Disclaimer: I own nothing but the words.
A/N: The song in this chapter is Gravity by Sara Bareilles. Also, I may allude to Puck's drunken party, but I have decided to deviate from the Glee storyline a bit and keep Quinn celebate. Enjoy and review!
Three weeks into the school year and a spot in the glee club later, Rachel and Quinn seemed to be running into each other much more often than they had for a long time. The brunette constantly spoke with Finn, Quinn's boyfriend, for he was the male lead in the glee club. The front was easy to maintain, but she only bothered him to get to Quinn. She tried to convince herself it was because she liked Finn, but the gut-wrenching feeling that came with Quinn's arrival always told her otherwise.
She was speaking to Finn in the hallway, and she just knew that Quinn was coming. It was a premonition that never failed her. It took some time to function while it was in effect; however, Rachel grew into seeing Quinn every day, thus making it much easier to control her odd feelings.
"Hi, Finn. RuPaul."
Rachel averted her eyes to let the two speak. She wasn't wanted, and Quinn made that painfully clear. Finn, meanwhile, gave her his goofy smile in greeting.
"What are you doing talking to her?" If looks could kill, Rachel was pretty sure Finn would be the late Finn Hudson at the mercy of Quinn's glares.
He froze, forcing Rachel to speak up. "Science project. We're partners."
For knowing Quinn for so long, Rachel found it odd that she couldn't tell whether Quinn bought it or not. She knew that their thin line of connection was becoming less and less as time wore on. She figured that the blonde ignored her to make sure that happened faster.
"Christ Crusaders tonight at five. My house." Quinn gave Rachel a gaze that wasn't nearly as harsh as the brunette expected and shot Finn a last look before taking off after his "Sounds great."
Rachel finished her conversation with Finn and then ventured after Quinn. It was no surprise to find her in the girls' bathroom. It was like Rachel possessed Quinn-dar.
"Quinn?"
"What?" Quinn shifted to face the small girl, slightly quirking an eyebrow.
"What's Christ Crusaders?"
"It's the name of the Celibacy Club here. I'm the president." Rachel couldn't decipher Quinn's accompanying expression.
Rachel placed her hands on the wall behind her, palms down, one on top of the other, and leaned back onto them. "Abstinence is good."
"Yeah."
"Can I—"
"No."
"You don't even know what I was going to ask!"
"You were going to ask if you could join. And the answer is no. I'm putting my foot down, Rachel."
"Why?"
"It's one thing to harass my boyfriend," Quinn stepped closer to Rachel, placing her hands on the brunette's shoulders, "it's another to join a stupid club. You're already in a stupid club. You don't need to join another."
Rachel wrapped her fingers around Quinn's wrists, looking up into her eyes. "Glee's not stupid, Quinn."
"Okay. It's not stupid. If I say Celibacy Club really is stupid will you please, please not join it?"
"I can't guarantee anything."
"Please."
"Why? I don't understand."
"Because I know what you're doing." Quinn hadn't actually the slightest clue as to the reason behind Rachel's need to be close to her, but she figured something was up, even if Rachel was only trying to regain her friendship, and Quinn felt a need to put a stop to it.
Rachel lowered her eyes to the tile floor below her.
"Hey," Quinn spoke softly. "Look at me."
Rachel lifted her head reluctantly.
"'Atta girl."
"You can't stop me from joining, you know."
"I know." Quinn's eyes lingered on Rachel's, a thoughtful smile gracing her features. "But I can try."
"I'm my own person. I don't need you."
"You're strong that way." Quinn lowered her hands to Rachel's waist, settling them there comfortably.
"I'm learning..."
"I remember when you used to need me." The blonde squeezed Rachel's hips gently, causing Rachel to frown. Quinn wished things could be normal again, at least as average as they used to be. She longed for the days when being Rachel's savior didn't come with ambiguous strings attached.
"Quinn," Rachel warned. She dreaded going back to those years so long ago.
"Sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up." Quinn tugged the petite brunette closer until they were pressed against each other.
"You're confusing," Rachel whispered against Quinn's chest. "You go around in circles and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How am I supposed to respond to this?"
"No one will know." Quinn's voice softly faded, leaving the brunette confused as to what the tall girl meant.
Silence filled the bathroom, a hint of something mixing with it. Rachel felt what could only be described as a strange buzz circulating through the air. Quinn bit her lip and leaned a bit closer to Rachel's face, studying her intensely. Rachel closed the distance without hesitation, leaving only inches between their lips. Their breaths mingled, sending jolts down both girls' spines. Quinn paused in thought before she moved away momentarily, still not saying a word.
Rachel decided to try to shake off the odd butterflies inside and pick up where she had left off. "...And you switch your moods constantly. I never know what to expect. I can't do this all over again, Quinn!"
"What? Do what again, exactly?"
Rachel pursed her lips, squeezing her eyes shut momentarily. "Nothing. N-Nevermind."
"Now I don't understand."
"Forget it, okay?"
"Fine," Quinn snapped bitterly.
"You wouldn't like it."
The taller girl jerked Rachel tighter against her. "You don't know that," she practically growled.
"Yes, I do!" She pushed against Quinn's arms weakly, not willing to leave the embrace.
The blonde let go abruptly, the momentum from Rachel's rebuttal causing the brunette to hit the wall. There wasn't much space between her and the wall in the first place, but it hurt nonetheless. She covered her eyes as she felt the tears coming on, not wanting Quinn to see her in tears.
"Shit. Shit, shit, shit," Quinn cursed under her breath, physically debating comforting the girl. She didn't want to upset Rachel more.
"Quinn! Language."
Quinn furrowed her brow, mentally reprimanding herself for forgetting about Rachel's disdain for foul language. "I'm sorry, Rach... I—"
"Don't. Please, just, don't try to fix it."
"Can I hug or something?"
"No. Just go away Quinn."
Quinn obeyed.
Two days later, Quinn still couldn't get a hold of Rachel. They never exchanged phone numbers, so she had no way to speak to her outside of school. Rachel was gone one of the two days as well, making it even more difficult to have a conversation. She decided to stand outside Rachel's locker and simply wait. She would have to show up at some point.
It didn't take long until she did. Rachel saw Quinn from where she came from down the hallway and quickly looked for an escape. She eventually braced herself for what was to come, walking up to her locker hesitantly.
"Can we talk?"
"I have nothing to say to you." Rachel knew she was lying to herself. She had so much she wanted to say to Quinn, so much she wanted to express, but she couldn't do it if she was willing to salvage whatever was left of their friendship.
"Please."
Rachel grabbed her book and shut her locker. She stood still but shook her head.
"Come here." Quinn took Rachel's wrist in her hand and lea them into the first floor bathroom that no one ever used.
"What do you want, Quinn? Your reputation is dropping simply by standing here with me."
"What happened yesterday?" Quinn folded her arms as she took a powerful stance.
"I'm fairly positive you are aware of what happened."
"I mean when neither of us said anything and we just kind of... I-I don't know. We just looked at each other."
Rachel felt as if she was going to vomit she was so frazzled. "I don't know what you're talking about. Are we not even allowed to look at each other anymore?"
"What are you going on about? You didn't feel anything then? Nothing at all?"
"Why, did you?"
"No! I'm—"
"Then no. I didn't feel anything. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to be late for English. I suggest you move along sooner rather than later as well." Rachel offered the blonde a smile before exiting.
"Right." Quinn shifted her weight between her feet. What if she had said she did feel something? Would Rachel have said something different? She frowned at a nearby mirror, resisting the urge to make it feel all the emotions she was too cowardly to convey.
Rachel was conflicted and heartbroken, a horrible combination. As much as she tried to remind herself that Quinn shouldn't dominate her life or her thoughts, it still happened. Quinn was her world since the day she showed her kindness when no one else would. So Rachel took her free day from Glee and spent it in the auditorium. She was going to deal with this the way she knew how—through song. She hit the 'play' button her iPod, which was connected to her speakers.
The song began softly and Rachel did, too. "Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone."
The door to the auditorium opened silently as someone entered. They took a seat in the dark, back row. Rachel was oblivious.
"You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're onto me and all over me." Rachel struggled to sing through her tears, taking a moment to suck them in and continue on. "You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone..."
Quinn, immersed in darkness in the auditorium, sniffled quietly as she bit her knuckle so that she wouldn't interrupt Rachel's song with her sobs.
"Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me. I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need, here on the ground. But you're neither friend," Rachel sniffled and wipe at her eyes, "nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go."
Quinn frowned more, feeling envy rise in her for whoever Rachel was intending that song to be for. Anger mixed in with the jealousy for the person who Rachel cared for so much that it made her cry that hard.
"The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down. You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're onto me, onto me and all over. Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long." Rachel finished the song and stood quietly on the stage, hitting pause on her iPod and then turning it off.
Quinn stood to leave when she tripped, making an obnoxious noise. She realized she had just given herself away. The blonde didn't even bother to stand; it wasn't like she was in the right mindset to be trusted anyway.
"W-Who's there?"
"Relax, Rachel."
"Quinn, what are you doing here? Or better yet, where are you?" She squinted and peered into the darkness in hopes of finding the girl.
Quinn sighed and pushed herself up off the ground, dragging her body down the steps to greet Rachel. "Right here," she muttered as she stepped onto the stage.
Rachel instinctively stepped backwards. "What are you doing here?"
"I came in here to... think. Kinda. But you came in and, well, the rest is h-history."
"I can't believe you invaded my privacy like that."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I was here first!"
"You could have left! I poured my heart and soul into that song!" Her eyes welled up with tears. "You don't understand, Quinn. You'll never understand."
"You know what? Maybe I won't. But it won't do me any good if you never even try to help me get it."
"I can't! I'm not going to do this, Quinn!"
She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "You know, I liked you a lot better when you didn't do so much useless talking." Quinn spun on her heel and stormed out of the auditorium, slamming the door shut behind her.
Rachel sat on the edge of the stage, sad and alone. She very nearly wished Quinn would come back, but her last comment had stung. The brunette only wanted to please Quinn. All she wanted was her love. And it seemed the blonde hadn't even known that the song was completely for her.
Later on that day, Quinn called Finn. She felt guilty about being so absorbed with Rachel that she hadn't talked to him for a while.
"Finn?"
"Quinn! Hey! What's up?"
"I'm sorry about kind of avoiding you."
"Oh, yeah. It's cool. It's nice you apologized and stuff."
"I was just taking some time away to think." Quinn lay back on her bed, recalling the good day or so she'd been thinking over things that were happening in her life.
Time had flown by recently, and she had nursed a hangover a week before from some crazy, drunken party at Puck's that she regretted. Rachel was the biggest subject on her mind however.
Rachel was sweet when she was being herself. The blonde reviewed the fact that whenever Rachel became hostile, it was usually Quinn's fault. She wasn't sure why she had such a major effect on Rachel, even given their history together.
"Quinn!"
"Y-Yeah?"
"You okay?"
"Yeah. I-I'm sorry, Finn, but I still need to think over a few things. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye."
"Bye." Quinn ended the call and tossed her cell phone aside carelessly.
Finn was genuinely kind, but she couldn't find it in her heart to love him. She thought she should be in love with the quarterback, but she wasn't. Rachel took over her thoughts more than Finn did, and that scared her. She wasn't supposed to do or even imagine doing half the things she pictured herself doing with or to Rachel. That may be what frightened her most. The thoughts she couldn't control were the most potent but also the more terrifying of them all. That's not to say she disliked what she thought about. She admittedly enjoyed it, but she knew it was wrong to think about. If you were a girl, you just weren't supposed to do those things with another girl. That was that.
And maybe that was the barrier Quinn had been hiding behind her whole life.
Rachel and Quinn weren't friends. The brunette was falling for the blonde hard and fast, if she hadn't hit rock bottom already. No one had the slightest idea. Quinn had some kind of unsorted feelings for Rachel, and she was starting to put her guard up constantly. Nobody knew of this, not even Quinn unless she was to sit and think about it long and hard. She knew her thoughts were inappropriate, but there are books that assure people that same-sex fantasies were nothing to worry about and were simply a phase. Quinn would let them go, and everything would go back to normal. That was her plan.
"Finn." Quinn strode up towards her abnormally tall boyfriend. "Why were you talking to Treasure Trail?"
"We're the leads in Glee, I can't just let us suck because you're getting all jealous over it."
"I am not jealous." Liar, Quinn thought angrily at herself, noting the defensive tone a bit too late.
"Well cool. 'Cause you shouldn't be."
"Good." Quinn bit her lip, mouth slightly open, as she reviewed what she was going to say. Thinking better of it, she withdrew into herself. With a brief nod, and a thoughtful look, Quinn left Finn alone.
In the midst of their time apart, Quinn had joined Glee club for Sue's own devious purposes, but the girls did not talk until a month after Quinn had seen Rachel in the auditorium.
Rachel was the first one in the room after school, of course. Quinn was the next to arrive, and Brittany and Santana followed moments after. Soon everyone was in their seats, and the club had not started. Mr. Schuester was predictably late.
Quinn hadn't noticed Rachel's attempts to reach a high shelf until the brunette made an audible squeak. The blonde looked up to find Finn handing the item she had wanted to her, sparking anger in the blonde. Her hand twitched with the urge to act out simply to spite Finn because that's why she was upset, wasn't it? It couldn't be because she had wanted to be the one who helped Rachel retrieve the lyric book. No. She'd spent her childhood helping the brunette; it wasn't an instinct anymore. But still, she couldn't shake the feeling of... envy, was it? It was not every day that Quinn Fabray had anything to be jealous of.
Rachel gave Finn a genuine smile for his help and returned to her seat next to him. Finn was uncomfortably sandwiched in between Quinn and Rachel. He found it odd that Quinn didn't want to touch him or talk to him or (so it seemed) even acknowledge his existence.
"Quinn, are you feeling okay?"
"God, Finn, just shut up!" She spit the words out in a whisper in order to avoid the attention of a public argument. "You're so stupid and inconsiderate sometimes!"
"What are you—"
"Don't think I didn't see the way you helped Rach—Man-hands! M-Man-hands."
"I didn't think it'd make you upset. She just couldn't reach it."
"Well it did."
"Sorry."
"Do me a favor and don't talk me right now."
As the following silence settled between them, Quinn felt bad about yelling at Finn. It wasn't his fault she was inexplicably jealous of him. Of him. The realization wasn't easy to come to terms with. So she had a little more than a simple fascination with Rachel. It wasn't that concerning; it happens to most everyone at least once in their life, after all. Quinn decided that was a reasonable explanation and let the train of thoughts go for the time being.
Glee club ended and Finn confronted Rachel afterward.
"Rachel!" Finn called out to the girl before she left the building.
She turned to face him with a pleasant smile. "Yes, Finn?" She walked closer, meeting him halfway.
"I think Quinn's jealous," he said softly.
She pursed her lips as she was further reminded of the fact that Quinn was straight and had a boyfriend. "Why is that? I don't see any reason for her to be. We haven't done anything wrong."
"I don't know. She got all mad at me for helping you get the sheet music down before Mr. Schue showed up."
"I'm sorry, Finn. You needn't help me anymore, if that's what it takes to save your relationship."
"I wanna be your friend, though, Rachel."
Rachel gave him a gentle smile and a nod. "I know. Quinn's just difficult sometimes."
"Yeah, but I mean, she's really good underneath all of that toughness, I think. Everyone gets jealous."
"Don't worry, I understand you one hundred percent. I know the endless bounds of jealousy, pain, and regret firsthand." Contradicting her dark words, Rachel gave him a bright smile to assure the boy that she was alright.
Finn believed she was sincere and smiled crookedly as he left the building for the day.
Rachel wandered aimlessly in the empty school hallways for a bit before deciding to freshen up in a bathroom. She planned to head home directly afterwards. As the brunette twisted the faucet handle to turn the water on, the flush of a toilet resounded in the small space. She thought it was peculiar that a Glee club member was still at school, but she continued washing her hands.
Quinn stepped out of the stall and rolled her eyes upon seeing Rachel. "Really?" She darted her eyes to the ceiling as she muttered, "God, do you hate me?"