Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing but the words.
A/N: It's been about a year since I updated this fic... Wow. I never meant to abandon it, but I just could NOT figure out where I wanted it to go. School sure doesn't help, either. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy. Reviews make me smile!
Quinn had been fighting everything she had been feeling with the utmost strength she could muster ever since they were kids. She worked diligently on making Rachel feel less than what she was. Because, if someone was below her, Quinn didn't feel quite so bad. However, too many tears had been spilled over watching the brunette move on without Quinn. Watching Rachel exist and smile at everyone like the blonde was never really important, no matter what she did to the diva, hurt Quinn. It ignited an unsettling wave of guilt and need to fix whatever she did wrong. She had an insatiable urge to regain Rachel's attention. She wanted to be the one the smaller girl came running to when she cried, just like when they were younger. Except now it was Quinn who was desperate for Rachel when the waterworks began. But as Quinn woke up to a faceful of soft, brown locks and Rachel Berry nestled in her arms, she couldn't bring herself to care.
Quinn lay there, soaking up the moment as she watched the gentle rise and fall of Rachel's chest. She sighed, knowing this peaceful moment would be shaken into reality soon enough.
Rachel shifted in Quinn's arms, turning to face the blonde. "Good morning," she murmured, pecking the other girl's lips. She bit her lip afterwards, and the tall girl could see her wondering if that was allowed, if that was okay to do.
"Morning," Quinn responded cheerily. She kissed the brunette to stop her worrying, holding it longer than the other girl had. "Sleep well?"
Rachel grinned and nodded. "Very."
"One word? I think that's a first for Rachel Berry," the blonde mused teasingly.
"Don't ruin the moment," she chided harmlessly.
"'Kay," Quinn agreed.
Rachel smiled and breathed out happily, wiggling closer and tucking her head under Quinn's chin. She inhaled the girl's intoxicating smell and reveled in the comfort offered from being in her arms. All of a sudden, an alarm rang out loudly, startling Rachel. Quinn chuckled, wrapping the diva tighter in her grip to calm her down.
"Just my alarm," she cooed before shutting it off.
"On that note, I suppose we should start getting ready for school, huh?"
"Probably."
Neither girl moved.
It was difficult convincing themselves that school was worth attending that morning, but Rachel insisted her perfect record couldn't be put in jeopardy. Quinn had only laughed and agreed to go to school, too. She was willing to suffer Sue Sylvester's wrath for being absent if that was what it cost to spend a carefree day with Rachel. But if the diva wanted to go to school, Quinn would go, too.
Quinn blinked blearily a few times to stay awake while her English teacher rambled on about... well, she'd forgotten what it was by this point. She was pretty sure she actually fell asleep somewhere in there. In front of her, Rachel was furiously scribbling notes, nodding and hanging on every word Ms. Smith said. How she could manage to find joy in the most boring of lectures, Quinn would never know.
The bell rang loudly and the room cleared out quickly. Rachel finished what she was writing before she shut her notebook, gathering her things up and leaving the classroom. She paused at the doorway and turned, leaning against the doorframe and watching Quinn slowly grab her stuff like it was such a pain.
"You're an odd one, Ms. Fabray," Rachel quipped from her spot.
Quinn rolled her eyes dramatically. She caught up to Rachel and they walked down the hall quietly.
"You weren't obliged to come to school today, Quinn. You could have easily stayed home and rested."
"I had no choice."
"Of course you did. You always have a choice."
"Mm, but what if I didn't come? Then how could I protect you from all those boys who want to steal you from me?" Quinn bumped her hip against Rachel's playfully.
Rachel slowed and then stopped. Quinn, a few paces ahead, turned around with a questioning look. "Does that mean I'm yours?"
Quinn's eyes widened and darted around nervously. "I—uhm.. I have to get to Chemistry." With that, Quinn took off for her next class.
Rachel's eyes welled up as she watched Quinn go. She was so close. That was such a typical Rachel Berry move, and the girl wouldn't stop beating herself up for it. As students started observing her, alone and crying, Rachel hurriedly left to find an escape. Just like when she was younger, the small brunette wept in the bathroom, wishing Quinn was there the way she used to be.
It was time for Glee, and Rachel was staring anxiously up at the clock. She was the first one in the room as per usual, but her stomach was churning. She couldn't quit worrying over how she and Quinn would act during Glee. She knew she wouldn't be able to act like the blonde didn't matter to her because after last night there was no hope for that anymore. She just desperately wanted to take back what she said, to say sorry, to kiss Quinn until she can't breathe, something. Not seeing the blonde girl was driving her crazy enough as it was.
Unbeknownst to Rachel, Quinn was ambling around outside of the choir room. She knew Rachel was the only one inside, but she was too scared to go in. How was it that the seemingly unshakable Head Cheerio was quivering because she was too much of a coward to enter a room? She groaned and bit her lip as she moved. She had a strong urge to go in there and if she—
Her thoughts stopped when she realized her hand had just yanked open the door. Oh. Well. No going back now. She adjusted her stature and stepped into the room, hoping her presence commanded it like she tried to get it to.
Rachel lifted her head to see who had come in. "Quinn," she breathed.
"Hey," the blonde whispered, her mind and body going numb.
Rachel focused on steadying her breathing for a moment until she could will herself to move towards Quinn. "What are you doing here?"
"Glee." Quinn carefully eyed every step forward Rachel took, fearing the inevitable closeness.
"Oh. I just... You don't usually.. so I thought—" Suddenly Quinn's instincts had kicked in and taken over, cutting off Rachel with a searing kiss.
Simultaneously the girls closed the gap between them, Quinn's hand finding the back of Rachel's neck while Rachel's grasped the blonde's shirt tightly. The girls panted into each other's mouths as they lost their breath, trying to hold on to this moment and not let go. Quinn moaned as the brunette bit her bottom lip. At the same time, she snapped back into reality, hesitantly breaking the kiss.
"I'm so sorry, Rachel."
Rachel shook her head. "It's okay. You're here now." Quinn nodded at that.
Quinn looped her arms around Rachel's neck; the small girl wrapped her own arms around the blonde's midsection. Smiles crossed their features and Quinn leaned down to steal one more kiss.
Rachel smiled bashfully, biting her lip with a noticeable tint to her cheeks. The door to the choir room clicked shut behind them, causing Rachel to look away from Quinn and towards the door. Quinn turned, too, and they both gasped at the boy standing in the doorway.
Finn stared wide-eyed at the pair, tightening his grip on his backpack strap. He glanced around and then his eyes slid back to the girls as if not believing what he had witnessed.
Silence fell over the room. Quinn returned her attention to Rachel for a moment before bolting out the door with what seemed to be an apologetic look. Finn opened his mouth to speak, but he wisely closed it when Quinn rushed past him.
"Rachel, what—"
"Nothing," she stated flatly. She suppressed a groan and focused instead on preparing for Glee club before it began.
Finn nodded awkwardly as the brunette flitted around, looking like she was ready to cry. He stood in the doorway, debating what to do, before he backed out of the doorway to go follow Quinn.
Rachel sat on the piano bench after Finn inevitably left. She wouldn't cry. She was not about to let Quinn have that power over her again. The diva was honestly lost. They would be doing so well, taking steps in the right direction, and then Quinn would bolt. She couldn't face it; she had to run. God forbid someone see her vulnerable. It was growing to be extremely frustrating. Rachel loved the blonde too much to give up, but it was exhausting to love her at this point. Something had to give.
Finn leaned against the wall by the girls' bathroom. He knew Quinn was in there, but just didn't know if it was okay to waltz in there, being a boy and all.
He took in the empty halls and decided he might as well. He didn't go after her for nothing. Finn reached out and opened the door, poking his head in hesitantly. He saw her reflection in the mirror before her body.
"Quinn?"
"What?" she barked.
"What's going on?" he asked hesitantly.
"I don't know what you're talking about, moron."
"Rachel, Quinn. What's... What is that?"
No response.
"Is that why you broke up with me?" Finn's voice did not convey betrayal, jealousy, or anger. He was simply curious. He still cared for her, after all.
Quinn dipped her head, suddenly finding the sink quite interesting. Finn had his answer.
"What are you doing? She looked like she was gonna cry."
"Well, what do you want me to do?" She practically screamed, glaring sharply at him.
"Make her happy. That's all she's ever wanted."
"I can't do that."
Finn shook his head. "Yeah you can. But you're so worried that you can't. You can't just leave her like that. You have to be there for her."
Quinn mulled over his words. Finn was right. He spoke simply and wasn't always super bright, but he understood people sometimes.
"You don't even know anything about us."
"Maybe. But I know you, and I know her. And if she makes you happy, and you make her happy, what's the problem?"
Quinn faltered, eyes glassing over. Finn was completely right.
"Does she make you happy, Quinn?"
The girl looked up into the mirror, meeting his eyes for the first time, and her tears began to drip down her cheeks. "Yes," she choked.
"Then do something about it. Rachel Berry can't wait forever."
Finn was right.
Quinn dragged herself into her house after Cheerios practice. It felt like any other day, down to her mom sitting on the couch, mouth slightly opened as if she wants to say something. It always snapped shut when Quinn just glared and left for her room.
But today the younger blonde simply stood in the doorway, one hand gripping the strap of her duffle bag. "Yes?"
"Sweetie, come sit."
Quinn pursed her lips but followed Judy's instructions. Once they were both seated, Judy moved a bit to face her daughter more fully.
"Quinnie... Are you alright?"
"Yeah, Mom. You know how practice is."
"I know, dear. I meant besides that. How are you faring lately?"
"Fine, I guess. Mom, I don't—"
"How's Finn?"
"What?"
"Finn, your boyfriend. How is he?"
"I.. I broke up with him, Mom." Quinn seemed to find her fingers in her lap really interesting, if the amount of staring at them she was doing was anything to go by.
"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I didn't—"
"You knew, Mom."
"Honey—"
"I didn't tell you, but I know you knew," Quinn snapped.
Reprimanded, Judy nodded slowly as she crafted her next words carefully. It was clear she was teetering on the edge of some kind of precipice, over something, but Judy didn't know what. "You two were so good together." Ignoring her daughter's steely gaze, she continued. "Why did you two break up?" Judy shifted her body towards Quinn and placed a comforting hand on her daughter's leg.
"We're fine. Finn's a good guy. A little dumb, sometimes, but he can surprise you."
"Then what happened?"
"There's someone else." Quinn just shrugged and stared blankly at the floor.
"Oh, honey, I'm sorry." Judy leaned in to hug Quinn, but the younger Fabray pushed her away.
"I'm not," she retorted, standing up from the couch. "Finn was nothing but faithful."
"Oh. You mean that you're the one who had a 'somebody else' involved."
Quinn shook her head at her mother's odd, beat-around-the-bush way of saying things. "Yes, Mom. I like someone else. A lot. Now. Can I go to my room?"
"Not until you tell me who this mystery man is," Judy teased. To Judy's surprise, Quinn groaned loudly, barely holding back a scream, and stormed up the stairs.
She'll never understand.
It wasn't until after Cheerios practice that Quinn saw Rachel again. She had passed their old elementary school on the way home when something caught her eye. Undoubtedly, Rachel was sitting cross-legged in the sand around the jungle gym. Upon hearing Quinn's footsteps, Rachel had looked up. The blankness in the girl's face was upsetting. She appeared so... lost.
Quinn set her bag down at the gates and silently walked the playground of their old school. She continued until she was sitting on a familiar ledge high up on the jungle gym, her legs dangling off the edge.
"Hey," Quinn spoke gently, eyes trained on Rachel.
"Hi." Rachel didn't take her eyes off the sand.
"Been a long time since I've sat up here..." she recalled. The bricks of the building stared at her and it left her feeling like someone had deconstructed the buildings and piled all of the bricks on top of her chest. Memories flooded back to her.
"You haven't been up there since 6th grade, actually." It almost frightened Quinn, how detached Rachel's voice sounded.
"Wow. It's been a long time since then, hasn't it?"
"That was the year I lost you." Rachel now turned to face Quinn, head tilted to see her properly.
"You still have me," she choked out.
"Do I really? You have me one hundred percent. You always have. I was never not yours, which is fairly sad when you think about it. But I'm not yours. Not fully. Not really."
"Rach—"
"Everything is wrong with that, Quinn."
Quinn clenched her jaw. "Come up here."
Rachel shook her head. She had never actually gone up to the high part of the jungle gym before. Not because it scared her but because that was Quinn's spot, and she used to worry that if she went up there then Quinn would stop appearing there.
Rachel laughed softly. "I used to think you were an angel. Sent to me from heaven. To protect me and love me."
"I—"
"Isn't it funny how much things can change? Sometimes I still can't honestly believe I ever felt that way about you."
"Don't spare my feelings or anything," Quinn mumbled.
"You never spared mine."
Quinn flinched. She actually flinched. Then she gaped. And soon she was standing and seething with rage. "Are you serious? Are you really serious right now?" Quinn let out a quick shout of frustration before continuing. "God, Rachel, what was all that stuff I did when we were kids then? Every time I kicked some kid's ass because he made you cry. Yeah, I clearly never cared about your feelings. I helped out and defended the girl half of our grade disliked. And for what? Nothing, apparently."
Rachel bit her lip and played with the sand in silence. Quinn was right. "You promised me."
"I know. And I'm so sorry. But stop treating me like we're still in 6th grade. I get that you're hurt, and I want to take that pain from you more than anything. But Rachel, look at me. Look at me!" When brown eyes bore into Quinn's at last, Quinn sighed in relief and pointed to where she stood. "I'm here. I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere."
Rachel nodded as they both let Quinn's words sink in. Rachel knew she was holding on to past anger and had started to revert back to that scared little girl she used to be, only now an entirely new dimension of feelings was involved.
Quinn patted the spot next to her hopefully, nonverbally asking Rachel to join her on top of the jungle gym. It was time for Quinn to be given a break from the burden of harboring feelings she did her utmost to suppress, and she couldn't do that without Rachel. She didn't know how to do it alone. Rachel's eyes bore into Quinn's for a long moment before the brunette finally stood, choosing to ascend the steps and meet Quinn on top. A breathy sigh of relief escaped from Quinn as she too stood up, waiting for Rachel.
"Hi," Quinn murmured, stepping towards Rachel.
Rachel smiled softly. "Hi yourself."
Quinn slid her arms around Rachel's waist and leaned her forehead against Rachel's. "I'm sorry. For… for so much. For hurting you. For reacting the way I did when Finn saw us. For always running away when things get hard. Sometimes.." Quinn sighed. "Sometimes I'm scared, and I don't know how to deal with that, and so I pretend things are different because maybe if I think enough they will come true. And it's not even that I want anything different, but that it's the easy way out. But I don't want to be a coward anymore. I'm not ready to march in the gay parade and paint rainbow flags everywhere I go, but I want to show you that I'm worth it. Because when it comes to you, god, I hope I am."
Rachel grinned from ear to ear. She placed a kiss on the tip of Quinn's nose while settling her arms around Quinn's neck. "You are definitely worth it, Quinn." She kissed Quinn softly. "You have always been worth it."