I really appreciate the reviews and alerts! Keep 'em coming. :)
Just so you know, most of the story is already written. I'll try and post a new chapter every week.
Once again, thousands thanks to my beta, Mariah94. Don't hesitate to check out her fics!
PS: MoonlightGardenias, I haven't confused the names. Jenna is the girl Elliot shot in the S12 finale. ;)
Her late Saturday afternoon with Ella was interrupted by a knock on the door. She stood up from the living room floor and went to answer.
"Hi Olivia."
There was a long moment of silence, before Olivia found her voice.
"Kathleen. What… How…"
"Can I come in?"
Olivia shot a look outside, over Kathleen's shoulder.
"I came alone if that's what you're wondering" the young woman explained.
Olivia didn't add a word but stepped away to let Kathleen Stabler come in. The young woman looked around the hallway for a moment, before laying her eyes on Olivia again. By then, she had regained some of her composure.
"How are you doing?" Olivia asked.
"Pretty good. Still on the meds, so…" Kathleen quipped.
"That's good. It's nice to see you again. You look wonderful, sweetie."
"You too. But come on Olivia, don't pretend you didn't have a small heart attack when you saw me."
Before she could answer, she saw Kathleen's eyes shift focus. She turned, but she already knew what had caught the young woman's attention. She was staring at the dirty blond haired little girl, almond-shaped blue eyes sparkling with mischief. Ella was half hiding behind the living-room wall, one hand on the doorframe, the other hidden behind her back. Olivia narrowed her eyes at her, knowing that expression all too well.
"Mommy? Who is that?"
Ella walked up to them, a curious frown on her face. Olivia put her hands on the girl's shoulder placing her in front of her, facing Kathleen.
"Sweetie, that's Kathleen, she's… an old friend of mine. "
The blonde woman squatted down before her.
"And you must be Ella. It's nice to meet you."
Olivia's eyebrows shot up at the mention of her daughter's name. But she caught sight of something else.
"Ella Benson, is that a cookie in your hand?"
Her daughter turned swiftly towards her, her teeth biting on her lower lip.
"What did I say about cookies before dinner?"
"But I was hungry."
"We eat in less than an hour, baby."
"Kathleen too?"
Olivia glanced briefly at the young woman, before nodding.
"Kathleen is welcome to stay if she wants too."
Ella took Kathleen's hand and pulled her towards the living room.
"Come on. You'll meet Barney."
Olivia just stared after them. She wasn't that social, and her daughter had always been a bit weary towards strangers. Her taking such an instant shine to Kathleen had her wondering and maybe worrying a bit.
She took a moment to sort out her thoughts. But the mere idea of the conversation she would have to have with Kathleen had her gut twisting and her hands shaking. She had on occasions thought of the what ifs in the past years. But she had never gone so far in her wanderings as to imagine the conversation. The reality of actually having to confront her past with her present had caught her by surprise.
She felt lost, but she also felt certain of the one thing that mattered, the one thing she had to protect. No matter what happened, Ella was not going to get hurt. That was what she had to focus on.
She walked in the living room, where her daughter was trying to make her puppy dance. Kathleen was sitting cross-legged on the floor, looking quietly at Ella's game.
She left the girls alone, crossing the room towards the kitchen. She placed the chair her daughter had used to get to the cookies back in its place. She picked up the box of cookies from the table and looked at her daughter from across the kitchen counter.
"Ella?"
The little girl turned to her mother to see her holding up the incriminating box, her eyebrows raised up in question.
"Isn't there a rule about higher shelves?"
"I don't play climber by myself," she muttered, head down.
One foot came stomping on the floor in annoyance, bringing a small smile to Olivia's face. She glanced up when Kathleen breathed out a short laugh, before looking back at her daughter.
"You need either a partner or a harness to play climber, okay?"
"Yes."
Satisfied, Olivia turned away, but stopped what she was doing when she heard Kathleen spark up a conversation with Ella.
"Your mother has a lot of rules, kid?"
"I guess."
"She loves you very much, doesn't she?"
"Course she does, she's my mom. I love her very much too."
When Olivia turned back to them, Ella was kneeling on the couch, complimenting Kathleen on her hair. She couldn't get over the way the young Stabler was looking at her daughter. There was nothing close to resentment, contempt or dislike in her eyes. Instead she seemed to be looking at her as if she had just found the big, shiny present under the Christmas tree. She seemed definitely curious, maybe excited, a little amazed.
She wasn't sure exactly what Kathleen knew about her daughter. But still, it calmed Olivia down in a way. Maybe things would be okay.
But she also knew that she had more of a connection with Kathleen than with any of his kids. Eli was a different story. But Kathleen definitely was not the norm.
She was back to not knowing what to expect, and as usual, it made her uncomfortable.
oooooooooo
The dinner was more lively and less awkward than Olivia had expected. But an excited three year old will do that. Ella shared puppy stories, daycare stories, Olivia stories, Gavin stories. The latest made her a little uncomfortable towards Kathleen.
And then Ella focused her interest on Kathleen, bombarding her with questions. Olivia first tried to calm her down a bit. Yet she also enjoyed knowing more about Kathleen's current life. But when dessert came, Ella decided to get curious about the young woman's family. She decided to cut the conversation short.
"Come on, baby, it's almost bedtime already. How about you go watch some tv, then we'll get you into bed."
"No bath?"
"Tomorrow morning."
The little girl nodded, got down from her chair and started to leave. But she caught sight of Kathleen starting to clear out the table and suddenly decided to help out. Olivia smiled and kissed the top of her daughter's hair when she rose on the tip of her toes to put her plate in the sink.
She shared an amused look with Kathleen as the little girl ran and jumped on the couch, immediately followed by Barney.
"She's a good kid" Kathleen said softly.
"Yeah she is. Although it's not usually that easy to get her to help out."
"Sounds familiar…"
She glanced quickly at Kathleen unsure what the girl meant. But she was busy picking at a grape, her eyes down.
"Where are you staying at?" Olivia asked.
"I have a room booked at the airport hotel" was Kathleen's curt answer.
"You can spend the night here if you want. I'll take Ella with me, you can have her room."
"Aren't you eager to get rid of me?" Kathleen asked half serious, half joking.
"Somehow, I don't think that's going to happen."
Olivia gave Kathleen a tight, although sincere, smile.
"Really, you should stay here tonight, Kathleen."
The young woman accepted the invitation and went to get a small bag from her rental. Olivia explained the sleeping arrangements to a very excited little girl. The second Kathleen walked back into the house, Ella ran to her and led her up the stairs to her bedroom, Olivia following after them. She grabbed Ella's jammies and handed them to the girl, instructing her to go put them on and brush her teeth.
Ella put them under her arms and instead ran to Kathleen, who had just put her bag down on a chair. She pulled a big grey tee from it and showed it to Ella.
"How about we both put our pajamas on, kid?"
Ella slid a glance in Kathleen's bag, and immediately sighted the framed picture on top of it.
"That a picture of you?"
Olivia met Kathleen's eyes and immediately knew what the picture was. The young woman grabbed the picture and handed it to Ella. She glanced at Olivia again, her look almost daring her to say something.
"That's my family. My parents, and my sisters and brothers" Kathleen explained.
"Wow, you got a big family!"
Olivia walked up to them, took the picture from her daughter and put it back on Kathleen's bag.
"Alright, Miss Benson. I want you ready for bed in ten minutes. Shoo."
The little girl flashed a smile at Kathleen before running to the bathroom. Olivia turned her back on her to get clean sheets from the closet and started changing the bed. When she glanced back at Kathleen, the young woman was pulling off her jeans, having already changed into what turned out to be a NYPD tee-shirt.
Olivia had no doubt the choice had been a deliberate one. She didn't comment on it though.
Ella walked back into the room, busy trying to put her hair into low pigtails. She then faced her mother, her arms stretched out on either side of her.
"All done!" she proudly stated.
"Good girl," Olivia answered with a smile.
She handed the girl a Winnie the Pooh bear, watching Kathleen from the corner of her eyes. Olivia picked her daughter up, balancing her on her hips. The sleep heavy little head immediately found its way against her mother's neck.
Meanwhile, Kathleen was walking through the room, taking in the pictures, the drawings, the dolls, the football, the kiddie guitar Shannon had gotten her for her latest birthday and immediately started teaching her. She smiled at the corner of the room dedicated to Barney, the toys almost as numerous for the puppy as for the little girl.
Olivia waited for Kathleen to look back at her in silence.
"I'm going to put her to bed," she informed her when she finally crossed the young woman's eyes again.
Kathleen nodded and turned back away from her.
She put Ella down on her bed and the little girl immediately curled up under the covers, her bear lovingly secured in her arms.
"Kathleen 'nice" she slurred, her eyes already half closed.
"Yes, she is. Come on now, baby. Sleep tight."
"Story, mommy."
Olivia sighed but smiled at her daughter. It was never easy saying no to Ella. And the bedtime story really was at least as much for Olivia's pleasure, as for Ella's. So she picked up a Dr Seuss' book, sat down on the bed and started reading.
"Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky" she said softly.
The little girl was fast asleep five minutes into the story, but Olivia finished the book anyway, lowering her voice to better enjoy the sound of her daughter's soft breathing. After a moment of silence, she dropped a kiss to her daughter's temple and got up, turning off the light on her way out.
When she got back to Ella's room, she found Kathleen curled up on the bed, holding onto the family picture, looking much like the little girl she had just left. She wasn't sure whether Kathleen was asleep or not. But her eyes were closed, her breathing even. Olivia turned the light off and closed the door behind her.
oooooooooo
When she woke up the next morning, it took her a moment to realize the other side of the bed shouldn't be empty. She got up and went to Ella's empty room before checking downstairs. She panicked a second before realizing that Barney was missing too and that the girls had probably taken him for his morning stroll.
She started to get breakfast ready, including the traditional Sunday morning pancakes. It was past eight when the girls came back, both wearing jeans and sweatshirts. Ella ran and jumped in her mother's arms, leaving Kathleen to rid the dog of his leash. Ella gave her a kiss on the cheek and a loud good morning before sighting the pancakes. She wriggled out of her mother's grasp to go kneel on a chair at the breakfast table.
She shared a polite smile and a good morning with Kathleen.
Ella told her about their stroll with Barney, about the dreams she had had, about the latest song she wanted to learn on the guitar. Kathleen told her about how she was more of a cat person, about how Elizabeth sleepwalks and Eli sometimes sings in his sleep.
Olivia barely said a word.
When they were done with breakfast, Olivia excused herself to go wash Ella and herself up. Kathleen offered to clean up the kitchen. When they were all cleaned and dressed, Olivia suggested Ella did a little coloring. She agreed and dragged Kathleen along to show her some of the drawings she had made.
Kathleen quickly came back in the kitchen and leaned against the counter, shielding most of the room from Ella's view. Olivia finished filling up the pitcher of orange juice in silence, deliberately taking her time.
"So. How long are we going to keep ignoring the 3ft 2 elephant in the living room?" Kathleen finally asked in a voice low enough not to carry across the next room.
Olivia closed her eyes briefly, and turned back to Kathleen.
"I mean… Ella? That's really subtle" she had added, rolling her eyes.
In silence, Olivia moved in order to be able to see her daughter. She sighed.
"She has his eyes, doesn't she?" was Olivia's acknowledgment.
"So she is my sister, my half-sister."
Kathleen turned to look at Ella too. The little girl remained oblivious of the attention she was attracting.
"How did you learn about us?"
"It's sort of a long story."
"What time is your flight home?"
Kathleen let out a short, breathy laugh and shrugged.
"I work for a magazine now, about the theatre" she started to explain. "I mostly write about off-Broadway shows, underrated artists. I met a girl there, Dylan. She works on costumes. She's really good, but it's still sort of a night job for her. During the day she works at a law firm, as something like the assistant to the assistant of one Gavin Pfeiffer. He's really nice. Hot too. About three weeks ago, I came to pick her up for lunch and she introduced us. Imagine my surprise when I saw a picture of you with a little girl on his desk. He told me about these wonderful girls he had had to leave in San Francisco. Small world, huh?"
Olivia just nodded. The thought of Gavin made her smile, albeit a little nostalgic smile. She missed him, but not in the heart wrenching way she had missed Elliot.
"How is Gavin?" she eventually asked.
"Pretty good. I didn't tell him I knew you."
Kathleen let the silence reign for a minute, before finally asking for Olivia's story.
"I mean, mom and dad weren't yet divorced three years and nine months ago."
Olivia didn't need a mirror to guess she had suddenly paled.
"What do you mean yet?"
"Oh that's right, you don't know. They got divorced about six months after dad came back from his retreat. I can't say anyone was really sad about it, as horrible as it sounds."
She felt the young woman's eyes on her, but she kept her head down.
"Would it have changed anything if you had known about the divorce?" Kathleen asked quietly.
"I don't know Kathleen. I don't know."
"You know, despite what people may think, mom never thought you and dad were sleeping together. Guess she was wrong."
"We were wrong. Me and your dad. We were the ones wrong here."
"How long had it been going on?"
"I really don't want to be talking about that with you."
"You don't want? Seriously, Olivia?"
Kathleen's voice rose up in anger. Olivia shot a concerned look at her daughter, who was busy with trying to dress up her puppy with duct tape and colored paper. The view made her smile, despite it all.
"We just… slept together. A few times. It's not like your father was leading a double life."
"He's always been leading a double life: cop and family man."
"He's always done the best he could."
"You're still defending him?"
The ghost of a smile played at her lips. It was instinctive with her. Deep inside, she was still his partner. Even after all these years, she still had his back.
"I'm sorry, Kathleen. Me and your father did something terribly stupid and wrong. And I apologize for that. But that's not going to change what happened. And honestly, how can I really regret something that gave me a miracle."
"How about keeping dad from his daughter, keeping us from our sister? Aren't you going to apologize for that? Or do you have no regrets at all?"
"I was trying to protect her, and your family."
"That's bullshit."
"Don't you dare Kathleen. I may not have always made right choices, but my intentions here were good. I was trying to protect my daughter. And don't think I'm going to stop now."
"You had no right to run away with her like you did."
"Well it's not like your dad was around to talk about it. For over two months I tried. And then, yeah, I left. I left him to deal with himself and his family, while I dealt with mine."
"She's his family too... She's my family too, Olivia."
They both stopped to look at the little girl, happy and innocent. Ella finally saw them staring, smiled and got up.
"I know," Olivia whispered before Ella ran to them. "I know."
oooooooooo
Olivia and Ella took Kathleen along on their Sunday outing: a nice lunch at a small restaurant and a long walk on the beach. The little girl seemed to have picked up on the tense atmosphere between the two women. She was quieter than usual and mostly played with Barney.
"What are you going to do?" Kathleen asked her once Ella was playing far enough from them.
"Reunite Ella with her family" she answered after a while.
"I won't say anything to anyone in the meantime. But don't wait too long. That's not the kind of secret I enjoy carrying."
"I'll see when I can take some time off."
Kathleen stepped ahead of her and stopped right in front of her. Olivia kept her eyes behind her, on her daughter.
"You're afraid things are going to change for the worse. But I don't think they are. It will take everyone time to adjust, but better now than in ten years. Because you know this day would have come at some point anyway. If not from me, then from her."
"It's easier to protect her away from them. They'll hate me and I don't want Ella to suffer from that."
"We'll make sure she won't."
She stepped back at Olivia's side and started walking again. Olivia startled when Kathleen took her hand in hers. She didn't pull back though. She felt like she had an ally within. It was a nice thought.
"How is your dad doing?" she asked softly.
"Okay I guess. He went back to work about four, five months after he left. He spent all this time at Grandma B's beach house, getting his head together or something. He didn't go back to sex crimes though. He transferred to homicide."
"He stayed with your grandma?"
"Well, she died 'bout five years ago. He hadn't told you?"
"No. But I'm not sure he even ever found out I had gone to see her at one time."
"He's always been a little bit oblivious when it comes to you. Rumor has it he went ballistics on Detective Tutuola's ass when he finally heard you had left. That year, on Eli's birthday, Mom told the story of how Eli was born, again. Dick asked about you and Dad about punched a hole through the wall. We kind of stopped saying your name in front of him after that."
"Did he… did he ever try…"
"To find you? I'm not really sure… I don't think so. If he had known about Ella, you can be sure he would have found you anywhere you were hiding though."
"That's one of the reason I left. I didn't want him to come back just because of her."
"You think he loved Mom any less because of Maureen?"
"You're annoying you know that?" Olivia said with a smile.
"You're just not used to us Stablers anymore," was Kathleen's laughing answer.
They spotted Ella starting a sandcastle and walked over to her in silence. Before they got to her, Kathleen once again stopped her and looked at her dead in the eyes.
"I'm still mad, and hurt, that you and dad went behind Mom's back like that. And I still say you should have given us the chance to know Ella. But I guess I sort of get why you did what you did. And if anything could make me willing to forgive you and dad, it's that kid over there."
Kathleen went to help Ella with her construction. Olivia kept quiet. A part of it was how surprised and overwhelmed she was at Kathleen's acceptance of Ella. But there was also still a little bit of guilty annoyance gnawing at her, at the fact that she had to be forgiven. But that was okay. As long as Ella was okay, she could deal with anything.
oooooooooo