**A/N: Bit of a longer chapter this one. Hope you enjoy it :) Reviews and comments always appreciated.**

Chapter Twenty Two

'When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed.

But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.' - Audre Lorde

"Spence?" JJ, usually a welcome person in Spencer's life, was not who Spencer wanted to see right now. In fact, he didn't want to see anyone. In an attempt to cover the whirlwind of emotion and destructive thoughts he took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes clear.

"Yeah?" He asked as he turned to look at JJ. She examined him for a moment before stepping closer to him.

"Are you ok?" She asked. "You left suddenly."

"I'm fine." He snapped though he hadn't meant to.

"...Ok." JJ replied with raised eyebrows, apparently confused by his sharp tone. "Are you coming back up?"

"In a minute." He did his best to end his words with a smile, but realised how pained it must have looked as JJ's sudden frown deepened. She stood for a moment and Spencer could see she was unsure whether to press further or just leave. He was thankful when she turned and left.

It wasn't the prettiest scenery outside the FBI building but it was quiet. And Spencer didn't want to hear anything. His ears still stung from the words he'd just heard. How could he have been so stupid? He wanted to laugh at himself to actually think that she would feel anything for him. But then why did she almost kiss him? He frowned. It was probably pity. She most likely didn't want him to feel embarrassed so just went along with it.

Spencer shoved his hands in his pockets and closed his eyes. He wanted to cry. He wasn't so sure that he would be able to stop if he started. So instead he took deep breaths and concentrated on anything other than what had just happened. But the mind can be cruel, Spencer knew this. And instead of focusing on the choir of bird song or the drone of traffic his head replayed the words over and over.

"The simple fact of the matter is that I love you."

It was so unfair. This wasn't supposed to be how it went! His eyes snapped open and he clenched his fists to stop the tears. He'd been so set after seeing her this morning. He hadn't cared what others thought or what the FBI would do. He just wanted to be with her, no matter the consequences. He needed it.

But now what? He was left with nothing but a horrible empty feeling and a deep ache in his stomach he thought would never end.

And what did Dan have that he didn't? Spencer almost laughed at the thought. Dan was everything Spencer wasn't. Lauren deserved someone like him. He sighed heavily as he realised he couldn't put it off any longer. He'd have to go back upstairs. Work was once again going to have to be his only solace and he would use every ounce of his being to be as happy for Lauren as he should be.

Lauren and Dan had spent so much time talking that they'd only had a chance to fill out two forms before it was time for him to go.

"Don't worry." He said as he picked up his briefcase. "I'll be back. We didn't even get to the evaluation part." Lauren smiled as he laughed. She hugged him for the third time that day and had a hard time letting go. She didn't want him to leave again, it was nice to have someone to finally talk to.

"See you around." She said as he left.

"Wow." Emily said as she walked up beside Lauren, her eyes following Dan.

"I second that." Penelope added as she came up the other side of Lauren. All three women watched Dan get into the elevator. "He's just…yum."

"Yeah, his boyfriend thinks so too." Lauren said which caused a regretful sigh from both women.

"That's a shame." Emily commented as she sat at her desk. Lauren sat at her own unsure of what to do next.

"Did you figure much out today?" Lauren asked, keen to get back into the case.

"We finished the profile. JJ sent it to the local police this morning." Derek said overhearing their conversation. "And we interviewed Lucas Sharpe."

"Get anything interesting out of him?"

"He only finalised the paperwork and got half the commission if he left the original employee's name out of it. Someone called…" Emily looked down at her notepad. "Greg Forsyte."

"Why was he splitting the commission?" Lauren asked.

"Apparently Greg was only supposed to be working gyms, not signing people up." Derek said leaning back in his chair.

"That seems…rather odd." Lauren couldn't imagine doing something that out of her job description. Not that she actually had a job description yet.

"Exactly." Derek said. "That's why I'm going to see Greg. Nobody's that keen to get ahead that they'd take on that much extra work."

"I'll go with you-"

"No." Hotch interrupted Lauren. "You're not on any case until after the evaluation." Lauren raised her eyebrows at him but he gave her a stern 'no arguments' look. She decided after that morning's reprimand she could forgo having another telling off by Hotch.

"Take Rossi with you." Derek nodded at Hotch's instructions. Lauren watched them go. She secretly hoped they hadn't got very far on the case, she didn't like being left out.

"Lauren." Hotch gestured for her and she followed him to his office. "You have to go to the firing range and retake your test."

"What?" She blurted. "I only took it a few months ago."

"This new position means you will have to repeat a few tests." He shuffled through a pile of folders whilst talking to her. It irritated Lauren that he wouldn't focus on a conversation if he had something else to distract him. She gritted her teeth to avoid getting flustered.

"Alright." She said. "Where have I got to go?"

"Reid is waiting to take you." He said, his gaze now on the monitor of his computer.

"Ok." She said quickly hoping he wouldn't notice her sudden enthusiasm. She'd been excited to see Spencer since her conversation with Dan. Lauren turned to leave.

"Lauren." She stopped and looked over her shoulder to Hotch. "I'm glad you're feeling better." He was still looking at his screen but she could tell he wasn't focusing on it. She smiled, suddenly realising she shouldn't be annoyed that he had been upset with her coming home late. She should be grateful to have someone waiting for her.

In a few strides she was next to him, her arms around his neck.

"Thank you for worrying." She whispered. For a moment his fingers clasped her arms in what she guessed was his return of the embrace. She let go and left without looking back to him.

Spencer paced outside the door to the BAU office. He had his hands in his pockets, his eyes on the ground and his thoughts on anything but Lauren. Hotch had asked him to 'accompany' Lauren to the arms test. What he'd specified after this was to actually supervise but not to tell Lauren he'd said that.

How was he supposed to do this? He couldn't even think of Lauren without his chest tightening and the ache in the pit of his stomach flaring.

"Spencer." Lauren called as she walked through the glass doors. Her smile was bright and her eyes sparkled brighter. She was beautiful. Spencer had to catch his breath for a moment before the pain in his chest reminded him that she was now out of reach to him.

"Hi." He said simply not daring to say anymore in case he revealed what he was really feeling. He was determined to be happy for her, he wanted so desperately for her to be happy. Even if meant it wasn't with him.

"You ok?" She asked with the smile still curving her lips. "You're gonna wear a strip out of the carpet." She joked and Spencer stopped pacing.

"I'm fine." He lied for the second time that day. He was going to have to become convincing at saying it. "The test area is this way." He gestured down the hallway and began leading the way.

"Um, before we go, I want to talk to you about something." Lauren's hand clutched his arm and he stared at it for a long moment.

"Really?" He said in a higher pitch than he'd meant to. It caused her to laugh softly and it broke Spencer's heart all over again.

"There's something I need to tell you." She let her hand drop from his arm and Spencer really wished she hadn't. "But not here. Can we meet up later?"

"I, uh," Spencer stuttered. He could guess what she wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him about Dan and her feelings for him. Maybe let Spencer down gently. He wasn't sure he could bear it, to hear it all over again. "I can't." He spluttered finally.

"Oh." Lauren said, her bright expression fading. "Maybe tomorrow?" She ventured.

"I have a lot of paperwork backed up." He tried to smile. "I think I'm going to be busy for a while." Again he attempted a smile and hoped he pulled it off. Lauren looked unbelievably sad, almost heartbroken. It was a mirror image of Spencer's expression. "We should get going."

"Yeah." Lauren said quietly. She trailed behind him as they made their way to the firing range.

Lauren heard the muffled bang through her thick head phones as she let off a round from the gun. The recoil pushed into her hand but she was used to the feeling. She let off another one. And another. It didn't help to make her feel any better.

Arms tests took concentration but Lauren couldn't focus. Had Spencer been blowing her off? He seemed to make it pretty clear that he didn't want to spend anytime with her. Maybe he regretted the kiss? Had she imagined something between them that wasn't there? Lauren let off another round and it skimmed the edge of the paper target. She winced at the bad accuracy and settled down to focus properly.

"Five more shots only, Miss Lewis." The examiner warned. Lauren took a deep breath and let off three rounds in quick succession. Two hit near the bulls eye and the other just to the side. The examiner seemed happier with this attempt.

After the test Lauren had been informed that she'd passed. She was given back her gun and holster. She replaced them on her belt. It had felt unusual not to have them at her side. It was like some sort of comfort blanket to have them beside her.

Spencer and Lauren walked back down the hallway in silence. He had watched the test from the spectator area.

"That went well." Lauren said hoping to fill the strange silence that had settled over them.

"Yes." He replied without looking to her. "You did very well."

"Thanks." It had come out more sarcastic than she'd meant it to. But he didn't even flinch at her odd tone. Lauren sighed and kept pace with him until they reached the office. Lauren went through the doors first only to be greeted by Derek.

"How'd it go?" He asked.

Lauren smiled. "I passed." Derek grinned and put an arm around her shoulders. Spencer walked away with his head down, his hair flopping into his eyes.

"You know, I'd thought you'd be a little happier?"

"Oh." Lauren gave a short laugh. "Sorry. I am happy." Lauren gave an exaggerated smile. "See?" She said through clenched teeth. Derek laughed aloud again.

"You coming out tonight? We're heading down to the bar again" Emily asked as she began packing up her things.

"Um, no, I think I'm just gonna head back." Lauren pulled herself out from under Derek's arm. "Been a surprisingly exhausting day." The team seemed to believe this as they didn't push it any further.

Lauren had been one of the first to leave. Hotch had been tied up in a meeting so she knew she'd have to take the bus. It wasn't an exciting prospect but it was the only way she could get back.

The bus stop wasn't far from the building and Lauren perched on one the slanted seats. The weather had been undecided that day. It had been bright and crisp in the morning but now the wind had sprung up and there was a hint of moisture in the air. Lauren pulled her summer jacket round herself and shivered.

A few uneventful minutes passed when a blue, clunky old car pulled up at the bus stop. Lauren peered through the window only to find Spencer looking back at her.

"Spencer?" She asked, unsure for a moment if it really was him or if she was just that desperate.

"Why are you waiting here?" He asked loudly over the sound of the engine.

"Hotch is stuck in a meeting so I can't get a ride." She pulled her bag back over her shoulder as it slipped off her arm from leaning forward. She watched as Spencer seemed to think over something very difficult.

"I can give you a ride." He said though it sounded almost as if he regretted the words. It wasn't exactly the gesture she'd been hoping for. She sighed.

"It's ok, I don't want to take you out of your way."

"You wouldn't." He said. Lauren bit her lip and finally got up. It beat taking public transportation filled with strangers who nearly always smelled and wanted to talk about the most boring topics invented.

Lauren struggled to open the car door but finally managed it. She climbed inside and was surprised to find the seat was amazingly comfy. After shutting the door she turned to Spencer and smiled gratefully. The little car jerked forward and Lauren thought it would fall apart.

Spencer drove in silence. Lauren sat in the passenger seat in silence. It was awful, he just wanted to say everything he felt. How he wanted her to love him the way she loved Dan. How he thought that she had cared for him that way. How it broke his heart to know she loved someone else but he was going to be happy for her. How she deserved to be happy. But he kept it all inside, shifting in his seat as if the feelings would move further down his body.

The void of noise was becoming increasingly difficult to cope with. Spencer reached forward and clicked the dial on the radio. It sprung into life, voices blabbering loudly filling the silence. Lauren had rolled down the window and was letting it blow over her. Spencer glanced every few minutes over to her. She had her eyes closed, apparently enjoying the breeze.

Spencer forgot about how much he hurt then. His gaze glancing over her still figure. Small curls of hair had escaped from the tight knot she put it in and blew in the wind delicately. Her jacket was open showing more of her pale skin and her lips were curled into the faintest of smiles. Spencer swallowed down the emotions that threatened to push out of his body. His grip tightened on the steering wheel and he tried his best to look at the road only.

Eventually they made it to the apartment building. Spencer pulled up outside, his little car shuddering at the slowing motion.

"Thanks, Spencer." Lauren said and looked to him. He stared into her big brown eyes and thought he could stay there forever. But he ripped his gaze away and looked back to the road.

"You're welcome." He replied. Lauren got out and slammed the door harder than he thought was necessary. He watched her walk into the building. She glanced back only once and he thought she was crying. It must have been his imagination.

Lauren leant against the apartment building door as she got inside. Her heart was thumping heavily and she put a hand to her chest as she thought it might burst out. A few tears caught her off guard and slid down her cheek. But she wiped them away quickly.

The walk up the stairs helped to release some of the pent up energy she'd stored in the car. It had taken all her effort not to just burst out and yell at Spencer. She was confused and exhausted of guessing his feelings. Did he like her? Didn't he? She just wished she knew!

But she hadn't had the guts to ask him. She'd been too scared to really know. What if the answer had been that he didn't? The thought alone crushed her and she took a ragged breath. After fumbling to get the keys in the lock she finally managed to open the front door.

"Aunty Lauren!" Jack's warm greeting was just what she needed. He ran towards her and she bent down to catch him in a hug.

"Hey, Jack." She said, squeezing him hard.

"You must be Lauren." A woman said suddenly. "I'm Jessica, Jack's other Aunt" She gave a warm smile. "Aaron explained the situation to me." It was odd hearing Hotch calledby his first name.

"Oh, hi." Lauren said putting Jack down and shaking the woman's hand.

"Will you be ok with him?" She asked, picking up her keys and phone in preparation to leave.

"Yeah, I think we'll be ok. Don't you?" She asked Jack who beamed an innocent smile. Lauren wished she was a child again.

The evening had gone pretty smoothly. It was the first time Lauren had been left with a child. It felt like being a true grown up and Lauren quite liked it. They'd eaten macaroni cheese and had ice cream for dessert, which Lauren had informed Jack he was not to tell his daddy about. Then they'd settled down to watch tv. But it hadn't taken them both long to fall asleep in front of the lullaby children's programme.

Hotch enjoyed his job, it kept him steady. But he hated being so late as it meant he missed Jack. And now he missed Lauren. They'd only got to spend any real time together at work and Hotch wanted to catch up with her. Luckily at that time of night traffic was non-existent. He sailed through traffic lights and down empty roads until he pulled into his allocated parking space.

Realising the time Hotch opened the door as quietly as he could. It was dark inside except for the faint blue light from the tv and the chiming sound of nursery rhymes echoed around the apartment. He dropped his briefcase, keys and coat by the front door and headed into the living room. As he rounded the corner to the couch he couldn't help but smile. Jack had fallen asleep across Lauren's lap, curled into her chest.

After scooping Jack up, putting him in his own bed and tucking him in Hotch returned to Lauren. She was peacefully sleeping splayed on the couch, though with her head curled as it was she was bound to have a headache in the morning. Hotch bent down and slipped his arms under her gently pulling her into him. Her head flopped against his chest and she made a small moan. But she pressed her body against him and he walked down the short hallway, pushing her door open with his foot.

Hotch settled Lauren into bed and pulled the duvet over her. He sat on the edge of the bed and looked over her. She looked so much like her mother. He brushed a curl of hair out of her face. To him all he could see was the young girl with pig tails he used to tuck in at night. It was getting harder to realise that she was an adult now. He didn't want to let her go, she shouldn't have had to deal with everything she'd gone through. Hotch frowned at the thought of her life so far. Maybe now she was here he could offer her something better, offered her the life he should have years ago. He smiled at the thought and headed to his own room, exhausted from the day.