Episode B: Alluring Kaleidoscope (Part Two)
"And that's the story of how I created a brand new winged unicorn from scratch." Abra exclaimed proudly.
"Uh-huh." Starla said.
The whole situation was less exciting than she could have imagined, which was interesting, in that it was a dream, so by all logic, she was imagining it. Abra Kadabra was a man of many stories, all of them she had heard before. It would help if he told a story she wasn't already there for. Or if he told those stories she was there for in a way at all like she remembered them.
"Am I boring you?" he asked.
"What if you are?" she murmured, half asleep. Technically, all asleep, but that's already been established.
"I just couldn't fathom such a thing, that's what. After all, I'm the greatest entertainer in all of United-Equestria. I said so myself as soon as we arrived."
"But, think about it. If you're so popular, why is it that no one is paying to see your show? she asked.
"Mmm, hmm, hmm...now I'm interested. I do so like it when you use that word." he said.
Starla wondered if Abra always talked this way, putting extra emphasis on all his first-person pronouns. Monotonous voice with weird emphasis on other things, sure, but this seemed a little out-of-character.
"Is this a dream?" Starla asked herself aloud.
"I'm a dream, am I?" Abra snickered. "I always knew I was, but it's great to hear it from someone else."
He made the last few bits of blackberry shortcake disappear, much as he had made everything else on the plate disappear. Such a model of chivalry, he was.
"No, I'm sure of it, it's a dream." she said. "None of this could be real. Look, we're not even in a restaurant."
The camera panned out behind her to prove that, while they sat at a purple table with purple chairs, covered in purple tableware that no longer held purple food, behind them was nothing but a purple curtain surrounding them on all sides.
"Silly girl." Abra Kadabra snickered. "I know when I have a dream, all I have to do is acknowledge it and it goes away."
"This feels more like a curse." she said.
"Don't worry, I have a magic word for situations like this.
"Then use it already!"
He reached into his cloak, and produced a black folded object, like a tiny ledger. She wondered what it could possibly have to do with her predicament, before realizing with a sigh.
"Please?" he pronounced ridiculously, before shoving the bill in her face.
"Were you even listening to my problem?" she asked.
"I heard you talking about how great I was. Other than that? I doubted it was important."
Rage built up within Starla's skull. The other three scenarios felt like dates, but this one was so sloppy, so weird. Either whatever architect was putting her up to this stopped trying, or, more disturbingly, she had simply run out of halfway decent stallions to be paired with earlier than expected.
"Kaleidoscope!" she shouted. "If you can here me, I'm done! Get out of my way, or at least move on to someone, anyone else!"
"I should warn you," Abra said. "I don't do crazy chicks. Or sloppy seconds, or virgins, or jailbait, or barkeeps, or dastardly duos, or bridesmaids..." His words faded into nonsense as the curtains spun around the two of them, revealing mirrors behind them, reflecting seas of violet in every direction. The violet quickly turned nonsensical, nothing more than the reflections seen in your garden variety kaleidoscope.
Starla awoke with a jolt, still as furious as she was when she was asleep. She sprung out of bed with a leap, exposing her blank flank for the world to see. It didn't matter to her; all she cared about was mindless destruction. Once she got her hooves on that condemnable kaleidoscope, it quickly became apparent how mixed her feelings were.
Buddy Rose. That was good. Cookie Dough was all right, too. She had fun with Artie, but wasn't really sure that was a romance. Is one bad apple enough to spoil the tree? It occurred to her may she was bucking this one a little sooner than necessary.
"Okay," she whispered, addressing the kaleidoscope as though it could listen. "One last chance. Don't screw it up this time, okay?"
She immediately regretted her decision upon finding the tube filled with a sunny yellow hue. Letters swirled around, as A, E, and I tried to make good on their arranged marriages to a C, then an L, and a wayward Zed. The whole thing was complete gibberish, and she was afraid she knew just who it made sense to.
"Your eyes so bright, your eyes so blue. They're quite a sight, and mine are too!" a voice happily exclaimed, marred by a signature otherworldly quaver.
Starla looked around to find out that, this time, the kaleidoscope put her on a golden carousel, sharing a glittering statue of Celestia that bobbed up and down with Rhymey. He was clearly taking unnatural delight in the childhood entertainment, obviously oblivious to the clue that the two of them were too large to properly fit on her backside.
"Why did you take me here, Rhymey?" she asked. "Isn't there some place a little more...substantial we could have gone?"
"You mean to go for a game of hopscotch? I hear adults dance hop, then scotch."
"No, Rhymey, I mean like going dancing, or to a play. No pony around here ever seems to go anywhere fancy."
Rhymey laughed at her concept, making sure to laugh only an even number of times to ensure his laughs made couplets. "I don't think I've ever seen a play. Why would I, when we see drama all day?"
Speaking with him was suspiciously like conversing with yellow brick.
"Do you ever think about what you say?" she asked.
"Yes! Of course! Quite a lot!" he said "Less, on words. Tie a knot?"
He was even a little ashamed of that one. It was a good thing that she also blamed him, providing him a rhyming pair of emotions.
"I know a surprise, to make this a date." he said at last. "A pineapple surprise – pineapple shortcake!"
"Hold on – what are the odds of that?" Starla asked.
"The odds of what? Aren't you a shortcake nut?"
"That everypony would offer me the same dessert! There's a lot of desserts out there – cakes, pies, cremes – and you just happen to offer shortcake?"
Rhymey stifled a little chuckle. "Maybe it means...we were meant for each other, it seems?"
"Sorry, but there's no chance that's going to happen..." Starla tensed up. "I don't have time for this mockery of a date. I need answers."
Rhymey tried to protest, but his logic wasn't the best. The carousel turned into nothing more than a florid description of itself, before the golden letters faded from view, and the kaleidoscope was once again nothing more than a simple instrument.
Still in a groggy state, still waking up, and not yet reaccustomed to her true surroundings, Starla heard that Inquerius down below was already up and in-gear. A knock struck the building's oppressive wooden door.
"Yes? Who is it?" the greymare asked, opening the sizable door.
Starla could not well hear the answer that came from the other side.
"Oh? And who are you now?" she asked, to a second visitor.
"Another one?" she asked again. "Why are there so many of you?"
As fast as she could, Starla worked to make herself presentable, donning her armor and running a brush through her hair. Apparently, the library was opening early today.
"Are you sure it's safe to run up the stairs so quickly?" Inquerius asked. "And you, don't you think you'll get hurt like that?"
The pounding hooves got louder and louder. Starla was worried, and for good reason. It seemed she had an entire horde of visitors, who needed to let her know they were alive.
Buddy Rose was first, bursting through the door before she had finished brushing her hair. If he noticed the bushy mass that occupied the right side of her head, he certainly didn't care, as his main objective was to thrust a big bouquet of roses at her bosom.
"That was a wonderful day we had yesterday," he said, his voice a trace more effeminate than she remembered. "Please tell me you have time to spend together today?"
She was perplexed, and her face wrote a tell-all exposé on the matter. Not only was his clinginess very unbecoming, she also couldn't figure out why what she saw last night seemed to have actually happened.
Two more stallions rushed up her stair, proving themselves to be Artie and Rhymey. They had their own gifts, a convoluted love sonnet and a mural depicting her painted like one of those French girls, but she didn't have time to judge them for quality.
"Everybody out!" she screamed, brandishing her hairbrush. "I'll deal with all of you in a minute, but I can't if you're going to ambush me like this!"
The three of them did as she commanded. She feared that, had her command been more visceral in nature, they might have followed that, too.
"All right, you stupid toy. It's time I ended you."
She pulled her brush angrily through her hair, forcing it into a graceful wave and pulling out countless fragments of starlight. With her horn, she forged them all together into a single luminous shaft.
"Starlight...Arrow!" she called out, stabbing it into the glass tube.
The device shattered at once, plates and lenses in every colour of the rainbow shooting out from it across her room. There was no fixing it now, much to her delight. Satisfied that she had destroyed the curse, she cantered out with her mane held high.
It was short-lived happiness.
Seven ponies argued amongst themselves in the library's high-vaulted atrium, their squalls obscured by Starla's previous destructive bout. Inquerius hid herself under the reception desk, fearing the worst from them. Buddy Rose, Artie, and Rhymey she had dealt with already. Abra Kadabra and Cookie Dough came as no surprise. Lightning finally made his appearance, as had...Brain?
"Everypony knows that Starla is my girl!" Lightning roared. "End of discussion!"
"Not end of discussion, you tool." said Cookie Dough. "She was at my restaurant last night, and she seemed...more than available."
"But that can't be!" said Buddy Rose "What about my garden?"
"Her prior visit to my workshop was most satisfactory." Brain concurred.
Starla couldn't continue listening to it. "Brain, what are you talking about? I never saw you at all last night."
Lightning laughed in triumph. "Ah-ha! So, the hoofed whore admits it! You were cheating on me!" He stooped down to accommodate Brian's literal shortcoming. "Up top, accomplice!" The two bumped hooves.
"Yes, Lightning, I had dates with everypony here." Starla admitted. "But they weren't real! The situations, the emotions, it was all an ilusion!"
Lightning found this explanation less-than-credible. "Really. You had fake dates with the whole town, and somehow they remembered them all?"
Her case was admittedly unimpressive. "I have proof!" she said.
Until...she realized she didn't have proof. The proof was all over her room, in tiny inconclusive bits and pieces. But she did have Plan B.
"Well, all right, I don't have proof." she admitted. "But I know someone who will!"
Lightning wasn't impressed by this, either. He was quickly overruled by the council, who seemed more than willing to grant Starla some benefit of the doubt. In exchange for hugs and kisses, a request which Lightning and Starla equally overruled.
The team stormed out of the library, through the technicolour avenues that formed Rainbow City. Taking flight with their near-vestigial wings, they eventually made their way to the offices of one Dr. Penny Sillion, after needing to make several stops to discuss whether that was someone who actually existed, or if Starla was just filibustering.
Starla knocked loudly on the door, almost breaking it down in the process. No response. She knocked more sanely, which the doctoress answered willingly.
"Here's your 'perspective' back." Starla said, throwing a handful of glass shards at the doctor. The doctor's face quickly resolved into a pout.
"Oh, you didn't like it?" she moaned. "That's unfortunate. It seems your new admirers enjoyed themselves, wouldn't you say?"
The suitors gave nods that looked unmistakeably rehearsed.
"What's your game, Penny?" Starla asked. "What do you get out of this? It's not like the boys of this town need any help to look like idiots."
Penny delivered an over-the-top high-pitched laugh. "Ha, ha, ha, ah, ah, ah!"
Starla realized there was a little more to this Penny than the cardboard one she knew and tolerated. "Hold on...your plan was to spread ill-thought out romances throughout United-Equestria? That sounds like-"
Penny spread her wings, and threw off her skirt and labcoat. "It does, doesn't it? That's because I am, you weak pony!" Her white skin cracked and turned greenish-black, revealing a large changeling with a broken horn and six pale wings. "I am your third-worst nightmare – Polyhymnia!"
"Oh, I was about to say it sounds like Chrysalis, but...that works too." Starla said.
Lightning immediately jumped into action, pushing Starla into the background. "So, that's your game, you monster! You mean to tempt everypony into the evils of polygamy, to gain dark energy for your mistress! In the name of Star Fleet..." He contorted himself into a dramatic, if feminine pose, "...I will punish you!"
Polyhymnia didn't really know what to make of this, but, Starla had a much more immediate reaction, tripping Lightning in the middle of his unsteady hero pose.
"Ow!" he complained. "What did you do that for? She's the enemy!"
"Lightning, you have the moral all wrong. She's not trying to teach us that 'polygamy is wrong' or some trash like that."
"But, Starla, her name!"
"Oh, and if the villain were named Serpentari, the takeaway would be 'snakes are bad'?"
"All right then, what is the lesson?" Lightning sneered. "What's so important that you'd undermine me just to make sure we're clear on it?"
Polyhymnia hovered in between the two of them. "It seems like you're forgetting about me already. Don't expect me to wait for the end of your argument to lay a hoof on you!"
She slapped Lightning across the face, knocking him back. The wound glittered a bright green as his lip rapidly swelled out of proportion.
"Don't worry, Polly, I haven't forgotten." Starla said. The changeling made her move on Buddy Rose, next, but Starla took the blow for him, and grasped his hoof, channeling an unknown red object.
She did the same for Rhymey, Brain, even Abra Kadabra. Her body stung from all the hits, her beauty was marred by infected cuts and bruises. But her allies were still safe, and that was enough.
"Quite the martyr you are, Starla. If you're expecting me to stop short of killing you, you must have forgotten who I am."
Starla made a quick connection with Cookie Dough, and Artie on the way up to face her attacker, adding a fifth and sixth coloured light to her collection.
"You want me to attack you?" she asked.
Polyhymnia laughed at the thought. "Oh yes, puny pony. Give me your...Starlight Arrow? Is that what you call it?"
"I would think out of anyone, your race wouldn't underestimate women."
She pulled out an indigo arrow, her standard Starlight Arrow. Her hoof glowed with red energy, and she drew another, calling on the power of Buddy Rose. Then an orange, then a yellow – until she had seven arrows nocked to fire, one of every colour of the rainbow.
"You see, Lightning?" Starla called out. "Your powers aren't unique! You just refuse to accept anyone else can do what you do!"
"Rainbow...Barrage!" she yelled, firing the arrows, which collided in the air to strike the many-winged changeling.
Polyhymnia's body began to dissolve, her aberrant wings melting until she was little more than a standard bug of a changeling, two-winged, with an unrecovered horn. But she only laughed at her loss.
"Don't you see, Starla? I'm not the one at fault here. All you have to do is flutter your eyes and any male in this world goes crazy for you. Do you sleep well at night by telling yourself that's not magic?"
"I tell myself it doesn't matter." Starla said. "Because I don't need him to save me."
Lightning drew his shrinking ray, and fired it at the fallen Polyhymnia, reducing her to a more manageable size. "All right!" he shouted. "That's one more for the collection!"
The others were already walking off.
"Guys?" Lighting asked. "Come on, aren't you all supposed to be proud of me?"