Talk Show with Bartimaeus
Chapter 8: Hyperactive Ninja Kender
Disclaimers: I do not own the Bartimaeus Trilogy or Dragonlance (who will make a short appearance in this chapter) or The Abhorsen Trilogy (who will also make a short appearance in this chapter) and am too lazy to do anything special with the disclaimer!!
"But I'm allergic to bad puns!" said Nathaniel.
"All puns are bad, idiot! That's the point of a pun; for it to be soooo stupid that it's funny!" retorted Bartimaeus as the talk show continued. (They ran out of commercials)
"Why are we talking about puns?" asked Kitty.
"'Cause the script ended!" answered the djinni pointing to a very long scroll-like piece of discarded paper.
"Oh..."
"..." went the sleeping other people.
"...OMG!" screamed Nathaniel suddenly.
"What?" asked Kitty.
"I don't think I want to know..." muttered the host from his place in the sound booth.
Devereaux miraculously awakes.
"Whaddidimiss?" he slurred groggily.
"I just remembered! This tribe of Hyperactive Ninja Kender are going on a journey through Darken Wood today!"
"...Um...No comment..." Barty said.
"Where the hell is Darken Wood?!" Devereaux screamed irritably.
"Who cares, it sounds kewl so it doesn't really matter!" Kitty cried dancing around in circles.
Bartimaeus just stared.
"I'll go get a TV! It's on the news!" Nat exclaimed.
He ran off stage.
1HOUR LATER...
Nathaniel runs back on stage pushing a TV on a platform.
"I FOUND ONE!!"
No one was there. All the audience had left along with the guests.
"Damn it! I'm too late." said Nathaniel crying.
ReWiNd! rEwInD!
"I'll go get a TV! It's on the news!" Nat exclaimed.
Just then the aforementioned authors stepped into the sound booth and whispered something in Bartimaeus's ear.
"Hmmm...I see...Yes that would help...," muttered the djinni as the authors whispered their genius plan. "WAIT!"
Nathaniel froze. The good part about that was that he froze right before he impaled his middle on a random light fixture. But the bad part was that he was in mid-air...And he immediately fell over. "Ow! I mean uh...why?"
Bartimaeus took a deep breath...And then forgot what he was going to say...Then he remembered! But...Then he forgot...And then he rememb-nope he forgot again!
"Why am I stopping him again?"
The authors gave a huge sigh(eth!) and repeated what they had just explained.
"Oooh! Yes! I'm stopping you because if we look an hour into the future, it shows you finally returning with the TV and everyone already being gone...So I'm stopping you to..." he paused and looked at the authors, "To help you get the TV so it goes a lot faster...'Cause we all know how slow Nat can be...I mean John!"
"How'd you look into the future?" asked Kitty.
One of the authors stepped forward. "Well, if you had even bothered to read Sabriel/Lirael (AN: which I don't own by the way) then you would know that the Clayr can See into the future!"
"And did you bring these 'Clayr' here?"
"Yes as a matter of fact we did! The two most powerful ones!"
Two identical Clayr stepped out and stood next to the author.
"Their names are Sanar and Ryelle. This one's Sanar," she pointed to the one on the left. "And this one's Ryelle," the one on the right. "Or maybe this one's Ryelle," the one on the left. "No wait...uh...nevermind! Those are their names so now ya know!"
"...Ok...well, what's your name?" Nat asked curiously.
"That's none of your business!" started the author.
"My name is Vicki and her name is Stephanie!" explained the other author who had come to stand by the others.
"Vicki!" exclaimed the author known as Stephanie. "Why'd you do that!? I wanted our names to be a mystery!" On the word "mystery" she wiggled her fingers in front of her.
"Can we just get on with this!" screamed Barty into the microphone.
"Yes, sir!" said Stephanie sarcastically.
"You see, as Ryelle and Sanar will demonstrate," explained Vicki. "They can see into the future. Blah, blah, blah...Just show them!"
The Clayr took out some random bottle and made a random thing that looked like a pane of glass. They did a weird magical spell thingy and a picture appeared on it.
It looked like this...
"I'll go get a TV! It's on the news!" Nat exclaimed.
He ran off stage.
1HOUR LATER...
Nathaniel runs back on stage pushing a TV on a platform.
"I FOUND ONE!!"
No one was there. All the audience had left along with the guests.
"Damn it! I'm too late." said Nathaniel crying.
End seeing into the future...
The picture disappeared along with Ryelle and Sanar.
Crickets: chirp.
"Well...That was...strange..." said Pinn stating the obvious.
"Well, bye! I'm going to get a TV!" Barty said.
"See ya!" said Stephanie.
"I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS!!" yelled Vicki. She started cracking up and fell over.
Stephanie sighed and they both disappeared along with Bartimaeus.
The guests looked around the studio aimlessly for a while until...
CRASH!!
A wall had randomly imploded sending a TV flying onto the stage.
Whitwell frowned. "Is this the fastest way you could find to get the TV here?"
Their infamous djinn-host walked through the rubble. "Well, no...I could have used Lizzie's teleportation device!"
"And where is that?" inquired Whitwell.
A girl the same age as the authors appeared in the middle of the stage. She was obviously Lizzie.
"It's under my basement! I'm gonna teleport myself to Connecticut! Oh! Oh oh! Buuuuuuurn!" She then spazzed violently and fell over.
Stephanie appeared next to her. "Oh my God, Lizzie! You're such a spaz!" She snapped her fingers and a cloud of smoke swallowed them.
Seconds later the mist dispelled showing a coughing Stephanie. "Damn it! Remind me to never use the smoke screen again!" With that, she walked off the stage and out the door preparing to use other means of transportation to get back home.
"Oooooooook...Well, now that we have the TV, I suppose we can watch the," queue air quotes here, "'Hyperactive Ninja Kender' thingy!" said Barty pushing the TV into a position that everyone could see whatever nonsense was about to appear on the screen. "And now I'm going back to the safety of the sound booth while I watch you doorknobs blow it up while trying to turn it on!" He walked back to the sound booth humming gleefully.
Kitty walked over to the television set and pressed some buttons, turning on the correct news channel.
"Today we will be witnessing the infamous tribe of kender known as the Hyperactive Ninja Kender on a journey through Darken Wood," reported the newscaster. "They will be attempting to defeat the dead...things within it. We will equip them with a camera to film this exciting event."
The few audience members who had read Dragonlance were perched on the edge of their chairs trying to see what would happen to this mysterious tribe of kender they had never heard of before.
"Let's tune in..."
Suddenly the TV seemed to go off.
"Um...You got a faulty TV or something, Nat! John!" accused Barty.
"No I didn't! I just-" Nathaniel's retort was interrupted by the TV getting all static-ish.
They all stared at the ants in a snow storm in confusion.
"You know what this reminds me of?" said Stephanie randomly appearing in front of the TV.
"Not you again!" replied all the guests together.
"Shut-up! It reminds my of a certain horror movie...called The Ring (which I don't own)."
Another girl materialized next to Stephanie.
"AAAAAAAHH! Not The Ring! Oh the horror!!"
She dematerialized.
"Um...Yeah...That was Erin...She gets freaked out whenever someone even mentions that movie."
"Why? How scary was it?" Pinn said.
A misty well suddenly appeared on the screen in black and white. A creepy looking girl climbed out of it and quickly moved farther away from it and towards the viewers. Right before she actually came OUT of the TV, Stephanie lunged at the it and pressed the OFF button.
"Phew! That was a close one!"
"What just happened?" asked Bartimaeus looking shocked.
"The weird dead girl from The Ring just attempted to kill us! And since you've seen the movie, you'll all get a strange phone call with a creepy voice saying 'Seven daaayssss' and you will all need to make a copy of the tape and then you won't be killed in a week!" Stephanie answered cheerily.
"What movie? We were watching the news," stated the djinni.
"Apparently, the tape was in the VCR and someone," she glared fixedly at Nathaniel, "Sat on the remote and pressed play!"
Nat shifted in his seat and pulled out the remote from under the cushion. He smiled innocently.
"Thanks, Mandrake! Now I'm gonna die in seven days!" said Jane sarcastically.
The magician this was directed to didn't seem to hear this comment for quite a while. But once he did...he was absolutely DEVISTATED. He screamed, "No! I didn't mean to! PLEASE DON'T HATE ME! I LOOOOVE YOU!"
Jane rolled her eyes.
"Ok...so I suggest you live every day to the fullest!" said Stephanie as she randomly pulled a blank tape out of no where.
"What are you gonna do with that?" asked Nat pausing in his begging of Jane's forgiveness.
"I'm gonna make a copy of the friggin' tape! Duh!" she replied emphasizing the "duh".
"So what about us? Are you going to give us (or at least me) blank tapes too?" inquired Bartimaeus making puppy dog eyes.
"Well...maybe...yeah! But just you since, ya know, you're my favorite character!"
"Hey! We're just as important!" cried the guests.
"Stephanie shrugged, "Most of you are going to die anyways...I mean...Look a monkey!" And disappeared.
The buzzer didn't sound...For the commercials are gone...But the chapter still ends here!
Thanks for reading!! I'm going to write a fanfic about the hyperactive ninja kender if you're interested! REVIEEEW!!