Barton's Flying Unicorn of Death
Summary: In which, Natasha unleashes a Canary Cry, Stark is ridden bareback, the Hulk is laid out, and Steve is clueless.
Disclaimer: I am not Marvel or Joss Whedon. If I was there would be a monthly Firefly comic.
This story was egged on by my semi-sane/semi-insane best friend. Enjoy!
Agent Hills always enjoyed reviewing mission recordings. But this latest one had to be the most
"Hey Pep. Did we have dinner plans that I might have forgotten about for tonight?" Tony said casually.
"Tony I'm in Chicago finalizing the new Stark Tower's building permits, and weren't you supposed to be Hong Kong for that shipping company takeover?"
"Oh. Yeah, I got that done early. Listen Pep, I got to go," Stark glared at the temperature warnings that were popping up for the left hand-laser. He cut off the laser and ejected the spent cartridge.
"Good news guys, looks like I'll be able play late," Tony said over the team comms.
"That's great news, Stark. Now stop playing, and bunker-bust that barn," Natasha's tone started out calm, if a little out of breathe, and ended in an irate screech that caused the suit's audio to shriek back.
"JARVIS see if you can mock up a Black Canary costume in Natasha's size."
The Cyber-English butler replied in typical fashion, "Very good, sir. I'm sure Mr. Barton would appreciate the gesture at the very least."
Stark cut his thrusters swung low over the battlefield. Some homegrown terrorist group had smuggled an arsenal of Chitauri weapons. Intel said that they had roughly three dozen Chitauri rifles and a dozen fighter crafts stored in an underground facility, in Ohio of all places.
"Oh! And JARVIS. I need an angry email to whoever wrote that report. Try and work in something about a dozen not being equal to fifty."
The facility was hidden under a corn farm. When they had approached the farm one of those flying sleds took out a wing.
I bet that's the last time Stark lets Barton fly him around. Agent Hills thought.
Luckily for Steve, Barton and Natasha, Banner didn't crush them when he man handled them out of the falling plane.
Which has led to now: the facility's personnel had stormed out of a nearby barn, Hulk had smashed his way straight through the ground into the subterranean base and by the sounds coming from his comm had proceeded to put the fear of the Jolly Green Giant (Trademark General Mills) into these faux farmers, Widow and Hawkeye had taken cover behind the wrecked jet, and Steve had flanked the personnel and pushed them straight into Hawkeye and Natasha's crossfire.
Stark launched the last of his expendable munitions into the barn. Stark could have sworn he heard an anguished moo as the barn broke apart revealing a slightly blackened metal inner-structure.
Steve intervened on Stark's reverie with his typical leader voice, "Top-side has been cleared. Stark will enter through Hulk's entrance. The rest of us will enter through the barn. We have to find those sleds."
"Umm. Steve I don't think that will be a problem."
"Why? Did you have JARVIS run some scans for some unique electrical signature that is unique to the sleds?"
"What? No! The cornfield is opening up."
The long rows of maze parted opening to a gapping hangar.
Where do they get this stuff?
The stolen sleds began fly out of the hangar. Or perhaps hover would be a better word. The once "agile" crafts were now outfitted with scraps of Chitauri armor, machine guns and grenade launchers. The heavily modified sleds hovered four stories above the ground and had the speed of an out of control golf-cart.
"Okay new plan. Barton, get to high ground. You and Stark knock them out of the sky. Me and Natasha will handle them once they're on the ground."
Clint turned to Captain, "Sure. No problem. I'll just pull out my portable five store hawk's nest."
Stark cut in on Clint's micro-rant, "And I only have my gauntlets. China doesn't like it when I fly in with too much ammo."
Steve's eyes glimmered in a way that made Clint very uncomfortable.
"Okay. New plan. Stark and Barton!"
"For the record Rogers, I hate this plan!" Stark yelled as he blasted a nearby flying armored golf-cart.
"It's no picnic for me either, Stark!" Clint said atop Iron Man's shoulders. "Your suit's shoulders are digging into my butt." Clint loosed another arrow at one of the sleds below.
Steve heard Natasha give a snort at the comment as she choked a man with her legs and tazered another.
"Stark will you stop shifting your helmet so much? It's chaffing my groin."
"I will if you stop humping the back of my head."
Steve turned for a moment and saw Natasha bent forward grasping her stomach. One of the goons must have gotten a lucky shot in. Steve moved to throw his shield at the three advancing men when a pair of large green hands rose out the ground ripped them down into the Earth. Hulk burst forth and smashed a passing sled splitting it in two.
"Stark go lower. Natasha looks like she's hurt," Clint yelled.
"Cap and Banner got her covered, just keep shooting."
"Noooo. Cap is covering her and Hulk is smashing everything in sight. Now go lower!"
"Hey! I'm not your Flying Unicorn of Death, Legolas."
"No. But I'm the one riding you bareback right now!"
Steve had official become worried. Natasha was now grasping her stomach, gasping for breath and pounding the ground from what Steve assumed was pain. What was worse, Hulk was doing the same thing. Steve winced as he watched a pair of terrorists were crushed under the palm of the smashing Hulk.
"Fine! If you want a Flying Unicorn of Death, have one!" Stark replied irately as he grasped Legol-Clint by the quiver and dropped down onto an undamaged sled. With a quick burst he dispatched the on-board crew.
With a pair of irritated teammates up-top, a mini-earthquake below and a very concerned Captain, the mission could not be finished quickly enough. And Agent Hills couldn't post it to the SHIELD message boards any faster.
Subject: Legolas Barebacks Unicorn of Death
CC: [All Contacts]
From: Agent_00Hills
AN: I hoped you enjoyed it. Sorry for grammar errors. I rushed it to market.