Dear Harry, Ron, and Hermione,

I think it can be arranged for us to put up an advertisement in our store for your newspaper. Normally, we would charge a huge sum of gold for our advertising, but since we wouldn't have a store to put up advertisements in if it wasn't for Harry, we'll do it for free. Your paper is also fucking hilarious. (It has to be if you once thought we were writing it.) We wouldn't advocate people buying a bad newspaper, no matter who was writing it.

Expect your subscription rates to increase by 500 percent!

Sincerely,

Fred and George

"They better not be exaggerating," said Hermione, "Because we won't make any money unless our subscription rate increases by at least that much. Right now, we're in debt because of all the materials needed to print papers no one buys."

"Then let's not print so goddamn many!" said Ron.

"You don't get it, Ron! We're expecting to get more readers, and we won't know when or how many people subscribe until the morning they're delivered. It's always better to have more papers needed than less."

Every morning, a list was delivered to the three owners of subscribers to The Daily Non-Prophet. Lists were also delivered to the first and second years (who thought doing minor jobs for a minor newspaper was so cool) working for them in the Owlry sending the newspapers out.

"I'm sorry I don't take Arithmancy like you." Ron then coughed a word that sounded a hell of a lot like "nerd."

"It's not knowing Arithmancy, it's having common sense. And I'd rather be a nerd than a dullard."

"Oo, Ron, Hermione's taking over your job as Peeves," said Harry.

"Like I would want to waste my time with that."

"What do you mean 'waste my time?'"

You know how the rest of the morning went between Hermione and Ron, so I won't bore you with details. Anyway, that day Fred and George put up advertisements for The Daily Non-Prophet, and subscriptions increased by not 500, but 800 percent in the following week! Harry, Ron, and Hermione were having to hire more and more people (not everyone willing to work for them were first and second years now that the paper was so popular) to get all the papers sent out. They also got more writers so they could include more in every paper. Printing more papers was no problem, though, because Hermione knew a spell that could copy the information on in one paper, and paste it to thousands. The Daily Non-Prophet soon became a huge profit thanks to Fred and George.

It seemed impossible that anything could come in the way of the success of The Daily Non-Prophet. It never occurred to anyone working on the paper that The Daily Prophet would make an attempt to resist their parody. So it was a huge shock when a letters from The Daily Prophet arrived one day for Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They read:

Cease and Desist Demand

As you are well aware, The Daily Prophet provides news for all of Wizarding England.
It has come to our attention that you are imitating our famous newspaper. We refer specifically to your use of the name The Daily Non-Prophet as well as satire articles that refer to some of our miniscule inaccuracies in the past year.

Your actions constitute violations of copyright law and unfair competition law. As such, The Daily Prophet is entitled to recover money damages as well as injunctive relief from you and your organization and anyone assisting you in your wrongful conduct.

Accordingly, we demand that you immediately cease and desist from all use of the Daily Non-Prophet name and any marks similar to the past or current content of The Daily Prophet. We further demand that you confirm in writing that you will not in the future print anything that could in any way decrease our business.

Very truly yours,

Arschloch Bumser

Owner

The Daily Prophet