Days after Hermione had sent out the letters to the Daily Non-Prophet, Ron couldn't resist reading the Ask Peeves questions he continued to receive, and thinking of possible responses. Although he knew it would be a while until he could send out one of his advice columns, it seemed so much more appealing than cracking open his Defense Against the Dark Arts book to do the humungous amount of homework Snape had given them. It kept occurring to him that the letter from the douche bag at the Daily Prophet didn't have any complaints about Ask Peeves, surprisingly. Ron thought about sending out an Ask Peeves column separate from the newspaper, but figured it would just make things with the Daily Prophet worse. But Ron really didn't want to start his homework, and after reading every letter dozens of times, was running out of ways to procrastinate. Finally Ron decided: There's nothing illegal about Ask Peeves, it's my only way to put off doing Snape's essay from hell, and I shouldn't give a rat's ass what that Asshole Bum—or whatever his name is—thinks. With that Ron started to write a new Ask Peeves column. He noticed how stupid people had been to write to Peeves about the problems with the Daily Prophet instead of him (under the name "Ron"), Hermione, and Harry; hence the title of the column.

Ask Peeves:

Dullard's Guide to Addressing Envelopes

I thought I'd have a nice little vacation with the Daily Non-Prophet getting shut down, but NO, I have to write my column separately while everyone else working here gets time off. If that weren't enough to bother me, when I started reading through many letters you losers sent me, I noticed that the majority of them were asking about the little issue with the asswipes over at the Daily Prophet. What the hell? Even if owners (Harry, Ron, and Hermione) hadn't specifically told you to send those letters to them, you should've known better than to send them to the advice columnist.

Dear Daily Non-Prophet,

I hate how your paper got suspended due to your competitors at the Daily Prophet. Do you know if/when you'll be back?

-Anna

Anna-

Look you retard, I am NOT the Daily Non-Prophet and shit like this should NOT be sent to me! I find it strange how this is addressed to me, but the letter is to the paper. Seeing how you can't figure it out yourself, I will now enlighten you on addressing your envelopes:

If your question isn't stupid and is actually asking for advice, you can write: "Peeves at the Daily Non-Prophet" on the envelope. If it is a question asking about the newspaper in general, such as this one, send it to the owners: Harry Potter at the Daily Non-Prophet, Ron Weasley at the Daily Non-Prophet, or Hermione Granger at the Daily Non-Prophet. If it's about a specific section, send it to whoever writes that section. Hope that wasn't too hard to follow, dumbass.

-Peeves

Dear Peeves,

It sucks how the bastards at the Daily Prophet are attempting to shut your paper down! Those bastards! Do you know where their headquarters is so I can kick the entire staff's asses?

-Luke

Luke-

At least you got the name right, but it's still not my paper. I don't own the Daily Non-Prophet, you damn dullard. I also wouldn't give you the location of the Daily Prophet even it I did have it, because I want to be the one kicking them with my steel-toed boots, not you. I doubt a wuss like you could even give Arschloch Bumser a scratch.

-Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Wut hapnd w/ da DP????? Wen wil u b bak?????????

-eric

Eric-

Since 90 percent of the letters I've read so far have been on the same topic, I won't bother getting a gibberish/English translator to tell me what this says. Get lost.

-Peeves

Ron made a good amount of copies of this and went up to the Owlry to send then.

The next morning Ron got twice as many letters about the return of the Daily Non-Prophet for Peeves than in the whole previous week. He knew it was just to piss him off, but he really didn't care because of all of the positive feedback he got:

DEAR PEEVIE,

I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY YOU UPDATED AND ANSWERED MY QUESTION!!!! I THOUGHT WITH THAT DUMB NEWSPAPER GONE, YOU WOULD BE TOO! YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON I SUBSCRIBED TO IT!

ABOUT MY LETTER: I MEANT TO SEND IT TO THE OWNERS, BUT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU SO MUCH I ACCIDENTELY ADDRESSED IT TO YOU! SORRY ABOUT THAT, SEXAAAAYYYYYY!

YOUR LOVER,

ANNA

Ron laughed and Hermione and Harry looked over to read his letter.

"What does she mean "I THOUGHT WITH THAT DUMB NEWSPAPERGONE, YOU WOULD BE TOO!"? inquired Harry.

"RON!" Exclaimed Hermione, "You haven't been mailing Ask Peeves articles, have you?"

"Heh heh, maybe," Ron said weakly.