"RON!" I can't believe you would do that! Releasing one of the most offensive sections of the paper will only make things worse with the Daily Prophet!" yelled Hermione.

"It's not offensive to them, obviously, or they would've made up another fake law that it's breaking."

"No, Ron, it is extremely offensive, but still would be very hard to think of a law it violates."

"Yeah, Ron," said Harry, "you really should lay off on the Peeves before the rest of the paper's back. The Daily Prophet will think we're just trying to piss them off."

"Yeah, ok." muttered Ron. But he had no intention of stopping. The Daily Prophet really should've responded by then, and he was beginning to think that the whole letter had been fake. So during his first break of the day, Ron wrote Ask Peeves.

Ask Peeves:

Nobody hates suck ups as much as Peeves.

You fucking dumbasses. I get all these letters telling me how wonderful I am and shit, but the truth is: I ALREADY KNOW! I know how great I am and I don't need to be told 50 times a day! At least you accomplished one thing, though. The questions today are actually relating to me! You losers have proved you have just a little bit of competence!

DEAR PEEVIE,

I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY YOU UPDATED AND ANSWERED MY QUESTION!!!! I THOUGHT WITH THAT DUMB NEWSPAPER GONE, YOU WOULD BE TOO! YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON I SUBSCRIBED TO IT!

ABOUT MY LETTER: I MEANT TO SEND IT TO THE OWNERS, BUT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU SO MUCH I ACCIDENTELY ADDRESSED IT TO YOU! SORRY ABOUT THAT, SEXAAAAYYYYYY!

YOUR LOVER,

-ANNA

Anna-

I don't need to hear about your sexual fantasies, sicko. I don't really care if I'm in them, but I don't want to hear about it. Got that? And even though it is true, I don't know how you could conclude that I'm sexy. You don't even know what the hell I look like!

-Peeves

Dear Peeves,

I'm glad you at least came back. I don't really care about the rest of the paper, I

know the Daily Prophet Writers have got it all wrong, and to believe in whatever they

don't say. I enjoy your comments about other peoples fruity lives, and hope I receive

an equally sarcastic reply. Go beat the Daily Prophets asses, and continue the Ask

Peeves Column, because it's the best damn thing you could ever find.

Signed,

-Maniax

Maniax-

If there's one thing I can't stand more than questions that have nothing to do with me or my column, it's suck ups. What did you expect getting out of sucking up? Getting to clean my shoes? Nice try, dullard, but even you're under qualified for that job.

-Peeves

Unlike the people who submitted today's questions, I actually have a fucking life, so I'm only answering two questions today. Deal with it or have me punch you in the stomach with my elbow.

Ron had just realized that he had taken way too much time reading through all his mail, and therefore had a very miniscule amount of time to answer questions before Defense Against the Dark Arts. (He probably could've insulted someone quickly, but he didn't have any more letters that fit the suck up theme despite what he put in the introduction.) He also realized he hadn't done Snape's essay. Sticking the column in the pocket of his robes, he and Harry headed for Snape's classroom.

Once there they sat by Hermione who said, "I've been thinking about the whole thing with the Daily Prophet, and I really think they would've responded by now. Especially with the paper the day of the cease and desist demand and Ron writing Ask Peeves."

"I think we should resume writing it," said Harry. "If they really cared about us stopping, they would've written back."

Ron said how much he agreed and after they had all been given detentions from Snape for talking in class (two for Ron because he didn't do his essay), Hermione finally caved in and said, "Ok, at least my second detention EVER will have some meaning."

It wasn't very hard for Harry, Ron, and Hermione to get everyone working for them to know the Daily Non-Prophet was back the next day. Now all they had to do was write their sections and get them to the people who would put them with other peoples' articles and send them.

With all of Harry and Ron's breaks, they were able to write a lot for the next day's paper, but Hermione had classes all day and a detention after dinner, so she didn't do it until about 7 pm. And that was with skipping most of her homework. Hermione never skipped her homework! (She, Ron, and Harry had now made it a weekly newspaper so they'd have more time and the paper would be better, so this would be a one-time thing.) It was very clear that she wanted to get back at the Daily Prophet not only for forcing her newspaper to cease and desist (like Ron she was starting to think it could be someone playing a stupid joke on them), but also for the horrendous things they printed about Harry (and sometimes her). The first article Hermione was writing was welcoming back the readers, and would be the first one on the first page. It was worded so nicely (or at least nicer than Peeves) and yet still showed Hermione's anger, that it was almost humorous.

Welcome Back Readers!

By Hermione Granger

About two weeks ago you received your last issue of the Daily Non-Prophet. And unless you've been in a coma for those two weeks and your owl delivering the letter notifying you of our suspension was brutally murdered and the letter destroyed, you know of our little problem with the competing newspaper, the Daily Prophet. But just in case, I'll do a recap.

On the third of December, 1997, Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, and I all got a cease and desist demand from the Daily Prophet. They accused us of break laws such as the unfair competition law and copyright law. We, of coarse, didn't see anything wrong with our actions and I doubt you will either after reading their contemptible letter.

Cease and Desist Demand

As you are well aware, the Daily Prophet provides news for all of Wizarding England.
It has come to our attention that you are imitating our famous newspaper. We refer specifically to your use of the name the Daily Non-Prophet as well as satire articles that refer to some of our miniscule inaccuracies in the past year.

Your actions constitute violations of copyright law and unfair competition law. As such, the Daily Prophet is entitled to recover money damages as well as injunctive relief from you and your organization and anyone assisting you in your wrongful conduct.

Accordingly, we demand that you immediately cease and desist from all use of the Daily Non-Prophet name and any marks similar to the past or current content of the Daily Prophet. We further demand that you confirm in writing that you will not in the future print anything that could in any way decrease our business.

Very truly yours,

Arschloch Bumser

Owner

The Daily Prophet

I really don't know if Mr. Bumser was considering freedom of speech when he wrote this. There's nothing amoral with creating a humorous newspaper, and we certainly weren't attempting to cause the Daily Prophet to lose money. Although we were sure of our accuracy, we felt it necessary to seek the approval of the Daily Prophet even though we didn't exactly think of them as the world's best people. So we wrote a letter to them trying to make things OK with the newspaper we parody. Almost three weeks passed without a reply, and we think the Daily Prophet was intimidated by the little student-run newspaper. It could've not been them at all, and was some immature student at Hogwarts, but that's not a logical explanation for no reply, now is it? It's just rude. That is why, unless we get more letters from the Daily Prophet, the Daily Non-Prophet will return with a new issue every week (sorry, no time for daily anymore)!

-Hermione Granger

Weeks passed without another word from the Daily Prophet. Another week later, however, Harry, Ron, and Hermione discovered the cause that is what this entire fic is based off of.