So… I had kind of decided to leave this story be, since there was a strong inclination that no one was actually reading it… But then my friend Lindsey tweeted at me the other day, asking me if I was ever going to update this one so she could know what happened next. That was really encouraging to me, so I'm continuing this because of her (I mean, obviously, I've always wanted and planned to finish, but she gave me the motivation to do it now, rather than in a year when I have nothing going on). Thanks, Lizzie! :D
I also went back through and read what I have so far, and I'll admit that I'm not happy with the quality of this fic, but I am going to try to get some new stuff up and rewrite once the entire thing's up. Now, all that said, on with the chapter!
Sirius left the hospital wing two days later, still sore and hobbling and ridiculously dependent on pain potions, which didn't entirely matter; he spent his every free second alternating between his friends' bedsides, taking his potions as often as necessary. Everything was strained, broken. He joked with James; every muscle in James' face contorted, forcing a weak, emotionless smile. He tried to catch Remus up on homework; Remus' eyes stayed on the page, refusing Sirius even the briefest glance into his grey irises. Peter was still hiding somewhere, too ashamed at his cowardice to show his face. Nothing was normal, and Sirius hated it.
Finally, on Tuesday evening, the Matron blew her top. "You were excused from classes for the week to rest, to relax… NOT to stay under my feet, run around, and cause yourself extra worry. Get out, and come back in the morning for your next potion. You can visit them then. Until then, sleep in your own bed or talk to Peter or go out by the lake or… I don't care. Just do something."
So he was shooed out and found himself alone by the lake, his thoughts and the setting sun his only company. He missed them. A lot. Even Peter, with his stupid questions and annoying persistence, would have been a welcome distraction. Anyone he called a friend would have helped.
The Gryffindor had attempted to focus all of his energy on his friends' reactions, so much so that he hadn't quite allowed himself one yet. He wanted to keep that trend going as long as possible. So though her touch startled him, Lily Evans' hand on his shoulder was a very relieving sight. "Evans?"
"Is Remus okay?" She plopped down in the dust next to him, only mild regard for her robes. Her voice was perfectly business-like, very little emotion anywhere to be seen. Classic Evans. "Glad to see you too. I'm-"
"Sirius."
Sighing, Sirius mimicked his best friend; he ran his fingers through his hair. "He's okay."
"Did he-" She stuttered, and Sirius momentarily confused by her faltering confidence; that was entirely new to him. "Was his- um, transformation a hard one this month?"
Sirius froze, his jaw dropping almost to his chest. She knew. Lily Evans knew. "Oh, bloody hell. How long have you known?"
"The beginning of third year, when he missed Potter's first Quidditch match. I'd wondered why he disappeared every month before that, but when he missed his best mate's match… I put it together." She was almost apologetic in her explanation, and Sirius was torn between shouting and consoling her.
"You've kept the secret for three-and-a-half years… Almost as long as we have. Does he know you know?"
She nodded slightly, blushing. "I… Asked him last year, after he missed rounds. I'd never seen him so scared, like he was waiting on me to run away screaming or something. Once he found out how long I'd known, he loosened up a bit. I would never tell anyone. I swear. Just- Is he okay?"
He was torn; the longer he was away from his friends, the more he thought about what was happening and the more his brain felt ready to explode. He'd given facts and assessed his brothers' reactions, but he'd never discussed how he felt on anything so far. Some part of him, apparently one not as small as he'd imagined, needed to do so. Finally, he shook his head.
"What happened?" Lily asked, her voice small.
The knot in Sirius' throat made it extraordinarily hard to answer; he swallowed roughly, trying to shove it somewhere further down his esophagus, which lasted for only a few seconds. "How do I know I can trust you?"
"I've kept Remus' secret since I was thirteen. I would never let anyone hurt him. I told you that."
Sirius sighed. "But this isn't just Remus' secret; it's all of ours: mine, James', Peter's. I need to be able to trust you even when it means rules were broken. Dumbledore knows everything, but-"
"Sirius, I promise you… Anything you say here is completely private. If it's this big… You can trust me."
His breath quivered, his exhale coming out in little, wavering spurts. "I'm an animagus… A dog. James is a stag; Peter's a rat. We've always…. We go with Remus every month; he doesn't hurt himself as badly when he's not by himself. James didn't change fast enough this month, and I- I couldn't stop the Wolf in time. I screwed up."
Lily opened her mouth, but he shook his head slightly, not yet finished. "James can't smile; he won't talk about it. Remus barely says a word and won't look anyone in the eyes. They're both going through hell, and I could have stopped it, but I was too slow. Now nothing's going to be the same. Either they'll both bond and get closer than anything because of this, or their friendship will be ruined forever. Either way, I'm going to lose my best friends. I hate this."
They were silent for only a few second before he felt Lily's arm wrapped harshly around him; he groaned, stiffening, and she released immediately. "Sorry. I guess you're not one for hugs…"
He chuckled slightly, only to wince again. "Broken ribs. I had to get the Wolf off James; Pomfrey can't heal it because of the werewolf's fangs or whatever. Hugs are fine."
"I'm so, so sorry about everything Sirius. But no matter what happens, I don't think you'll lose them. They'll make up in time, but they'll always need you; you'll make them feel normal, you'll listen to them. You're they're best friend. And you saved James' life, even if you didn't save him from… You can't blame yourself for not knowing." Her arms wrapped around him, gently this time, and he leaned into the hug briefly. A tear slid down his face, instantly cooling in the winter air. He wiped it away as quickly as he could manage. She didn't mention it.
The pair sat for a few of the longest moments of his life, and Sirius wept for the first time, his ribs aching all the while. Only Lily's shivering next to him finally pulled him to his feet. As he offered her a hand, his eyes widened: She'd been crying too.
Together, the two new friends returned to the castle, only as they separated to their respective stairways. "Good night, Sirius."
"Good night… And thanks."