Chapter 6: My Rock in a Terrible Storm.
It could have only been a few hours later, when I awoke with a start and I was alone. I threw the old, worn blanket off me in a hurry. Last night had to have been a dream, there was no way that had happened. I sprinted into the bed room and my stomach sank as I found Murph curled up next to Conner, and neither was awake. Murphy jumped up as I came in, his hand instinctively going for the gun that lay beside the tattered mattress on the floor.
"How's he doin?" I said softly as Murphy rose.
"A bit better, I suppose. His breathin's back ta normal almost." He said as I wrapped my arms around him. We stood there like that, just like statues for a while. Neither of us could really believe that this had happened and neither of us really knew what to do. We didn't need words to comfort each other, just being there was enough, it always had been.
This isn't real, I kept thinking to myself. I'm jus dreaming, why can't I wake up?
Murphy had probably felt the stifled sob that I'd tried to keep down. He rocked me gently in his arms and started humming so softly, I wasn't sure he was doing it at all. I closed my eyes and willed away the tears that I felt forming, half hoping to open them and have Connor leap out of bed like this was some kind of sick joke. But it wasn't and Connor didn't move.
This isn't a joke, Aid...ya've got t' accept that he might die.
I gritted my teeth at the thought and pushed it from my head.
NO. I can't think like tha. Connor'll pull through, 'e's gotta.
There's no way ya coulda known...
I shouldn'ta stayed behind...I coulda done something...anything...
In my self-consumed guilt I guess I'd started crying because Murphy's wiping away my tears brought me back to reality. His eyes screamed fear, panic, and guilt just as much as I'm sure mine did.
"Don't blame yerself Murph, ya couldn't have known. It's up ta him now." I whispered, almost as if I was scared to wake Connor. In all actuality, I'd give up just about anything to see those beautiful blue eyes of his.
"I just...dunno wha ta do. I couldn't imagine not havin him around..." He murmured. I knew he was losing a fight with himself and for once, I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't fight this one for either of them and I felt so helpless for the first time in my life. I'd always been there to bail the boys out when things got too rough for them, same as they'd done for me. That's just how it was and I was dying inside knowing that I couldn't save them. Anger rose in me and I started shaking.
"Fuck! Goddamnit! Why would he do this ta us?" I shouted, storming out, slamming the table. Murphy was on my heels like a lost puppy. I wasn't sure if I was yelling about Smecker, or about God...or both. I was sure Smecker hadn't known that it would have been an ambush, but I just needed to be angry at someone. Had God abandoned us? Was he punishing us for what we'd done? I was emotionally drained. I sank to my knees, bawling. Murphy was right there next to me; my silent rock in this terrible storm.
"It's alright, Aidey. T'll all be alright. I'm not goin anywhere." He pulled me onto the couch and I pressed my face against his chest, listening desperately to his heartbeat. I didn't bother to wipe the tears that were flooding down my face and I could feel Murphy softy crying as well. We stayed like that, frantically needing each other, both of us praying that this would all be okay in the end.