Later that night seemed to move by too slowly. I was too anxious about the next day so I decided to write Julia again.
Hey Julia. Me and Fiona have a plan to spy on Clare and Jake tomorrow. I'm scared.
I stopped and reread what I wrote. It wasn't much, but there was a lot behind the words. I placed the pen down with a little too much force, closed my eyes, and waited for her.
I heard a small sigh. "Why are you scared, Eli?" Julia spoke softly behind me.
I kept my eyes shut and tried to explain the best I could. "What if what I see tomorrow makes me wish I never saw it? What if no matter what I do, she wont ever love me again? What if what I see... makes me crazy again?" My head felt as heavy as the problems that filled it. There was no use holding it up anymore. My head collapsed in my hands.
I felt her stare at me, but I didn't lift my head. I couldn't even if I tried right now. She spoke even softer than before. "Eli, you were the one that once told Clare to take risks. Why is it so hard for you to do the same now?"
I tilted my head enough so Julia could hear my voice. I knew she could hear my thoughts, but it just felt rude not to. "Because Julia, I am terrified. I'm terrified that Clare moved on for good. I don't know what I'll do...it might be bad."
She kneeled beside me and whispered. "You know you have to find out, Eli. Don't focus on the 'what ifs' just focus on what's happening right now, in the moment. If it's bad, fix it. If it's good, let it be."
I lifted my head up fast."Good for who? Jake? I don't care about him! I care about Clare."
Julia shook her head. "No, not what's good for Jake, and not even what's good for Clare." She paused a moment before speaking. "What's good for you, Eli."
Is spying on Clare good for me? I was too exhausted to respond to my thoughts, let alone Julia. I just nodded in her direction and placed my head on my pillow. She spoke quietly answering the question in my mind. "We'll find out tomorrow, wont we?" I suppose we will. I yawned and fell fast into a restless sleep.