The car ride home was silent. I wouldn't talk and thankfully Bullfrog didn't attempt any small talk with me. When we arrived home, I limped into my room and closed the door. I threw my cane across the room and fell to the floor. It knocked something over, but I didn't care. Tears fell from my face freely. I didn't stop them. I sat on the floor for countless minutes.
I replayed my entire relationship with Clare in my head. I know I have baggage, but when Clare was with me, it felt like that baggage didn't matter anymore. The only thing that mattered was us together. I looked across the room and saw my cane on the floor. Next to it was an old photo album. I scooted towards it until I could pick it up in my hands. I opened it. Pictures of myself and Julia filled the pages. This was a birthday gift from her. I got to the last page and noticed a note. I opened it up. It was a letter from me to Julia. It read:
You're asleep on my pillow right now, and I can't help but watch you. You knocked on my door in the middle of the night, crying. I let you in. You hugged me and told me you hated it there. I hugged you back and kissed your shoulder. I told you I'd never hurt you. Tonight, I let you in my world. I never knew how being so close to someone could make another person my world, but Julia you are my world now.
When I got to the end of the page, I realized that Julia never got to see this letter that I wrote her. The night I found out she died, I put the note at the end of the photo album. I can't believe I forgot. I held the piece of paper tightly in my hands and closed my eyes. I don't deserve anyone.
A voice beside me came out of nowhere. "Of course you do, Eli." I opened my eyes quickly.
"Julia? I thought you could only visit me when I write you." I looked at her puzzled.
She smiled slightly. "I guess reading old letters to me works just the same. I'm glad I finally got to see the letter for myself."
I stared at her. "Julia. I didn't deserve you, and I don't deserve Clare. All I ever do is hurt the people I love." I opened the note in my hands again. "See? Look!" I pointed to the line that says: I told you I'd never hurt you.
"I'm such a liar."
She stared back at me. "Eli, you never hurt me. You saved me."
"Saved you?" I repeated. "I'm the reason you died! If it wasn't for me and our stupid argument, you wouldn't have rode your bike home in the dark and got hit." I looked in her eyes fiercely. "I killed you."
Julia looked back into my eyes with the same intensity. "No. You didn't. If it wasn't for you, I would have been dead a lot sooner. You were the only person in the world that cared about me. Don't you ever think that you killed me. You saved me. You kept me alive." Tears welded up in her eyes, but they didn't spill over. Could the dead even cry?
I stared at the creased piece of paper. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for letting Julia go, but maybe it's time to forget. Forget the negative and focus on the happy memories I had with her. Julia was the first person I was ever close to. She was the first person I fell in love with. I will never forget that.
She smiled at my thoughts. "I won't either, Eli. Never."
As I stared in her eyes, I shook my head and repeated. "Never."
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