CHAPTER SEVEN

Title: "Salvation: Forever and Always: Elusive Dreams"

Author: Michelle Heath

Rating: MA for adult situations and language

Summary: Story #9 in the Salvation series. The bonds of family bring the Five-0 ohana even closer.

Disclaimer: I so do not own Hawaii Five-0; unfortunately! All original characters are the property of the author!

Date Written: July 8, 2012

(Sam is talking with the secretary she shares with Adm. Henderson at the older lady's desk when Caroline "sails" into the Flight Ops building at 0650 the following morning, and both women notice the beautiful smile on the Lieutenant's pretty face. Finishing her conversation, Sam casually strolls into her sister's office and leans against the corner of Caroline's desk.)

"You're certainly in a good mood this morning."

"Oh my God, Sam, you won't believe what Danny did last night!"

"I might. Try me."

(And Caroline proceeds to give Sam a detailed account of everything, well, almost everything that happened last night and does so in a gushing, love-struck manner that has her sister smiling thirty seconds into the recitation. By the time Caroline is through, Sam has absolutely no doubt that all is, once again, well with her sister and brother-in-law.)

"Who knew Danny Williams could be such a romantic?"

"I think he may have taken some lessons from Steve, Sam."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. Give the man some credit, Caroline."

"You know something."

"Actually, I don't know anything and neither does Steve."

"Really?"

"Really. Steve figured out that Danny was up to something yesterday and asked if he needed any help but Danny told him he was, and I quote, 'perfectly capable of planning and executing this op all by himself'. And it sounds like to me he did an outstanding job."

"God, Sam, I love that man so much! I can't believe he did all that for me after. . ."

"After what, Caroline?"

"After I treated him like my own, personal, on-call sperm donor. . . I'm so ashamed of myself."

"I think all is forgiven, Caroline. Wanna tell me what happened now; what the fight was really about?"

"Well, obviously it wasn't about, um, sex; Danny and I do not have a problem in that department."

"Caroline. . "

"Sorry. TMI. . . We were fighting because, as Danny put it, he wanted to make love and I just wanted to have sex because, according to the research I'd done, that night was the best night for me to conceive. Danny didn't like that. I think he felt like I was . . Using him."

"I can understand why he would. Whatever possessed you, Caroline?"

(And when Caroline looks up at her sister, her eyes are filled with unshed tears. Caroline has decided to "come clean" with Sam, but it's not going to be easy.)

"You know I love you, Sam, very much, right?"

"Yeah, Caroline, I know that. I love you, too."

"Oh, God, I can't believe I'm doing this."

"Doing what, Caroline? What's upsetting you so much you can't even talk to me?"

"I'm jealous, Sam; jealous of the fact that you have a daughter. Jealous of the fact that just a short time after you lost a baby, you got pregnant again. Jealous of the fact that you can go home to your baby every night! I'm a truly horrible sister!"

"Oh, Caroline, of course, you're not a horrible sister! Honey, listen to me, I understand how much you want to have a baby with Danny; truly, I do."

"How could you, Sam? You have a child!"

"But, as you just said, I lost a baby before I had Emily. I didn't even know I was pregnant and it was very early in the pregnancy, but, it hurt me deeply, Caroline; hurt Steve, too. I honestly to God do not know how Mom and Dad got through losing four babies without losing their minds. So, yeah, I understand how much you want a child. The thing you have to remember, Boo, is that there are no set guidelines or instructions to ensure you'll conceive when you want it to happen. The only thing you can do is follow your doctor's instructions and pray that the good Lord chooses to bless you with a baby."

"You haven't called me 'Boo' since we were little girls."

"Because you're no longer a child, Caroline, but you've surely been acting like one lately. You're a grown woman who is married to a wonderful man who worships the ground you walk on. Danny would die for you, Honey; you need to think about his feelings, what he wants before you throw another selfish tantrum."

"You think my wanting a baby is selfish?"

"That's not what I said, and there you go again! Any time anyone doesn't agree with you or see things the same way you do, you get all pissed off! You've got to stop doing that, Caroline; especially with Danny! If you don't, you're going to drive a wedge between the two of you that you might not ever be able to remove. Is that what you want?"

"How can you even ask me that, Sam? Of course, I don't want to drive Danny away. I couldn't live without him!"

"Then slow down and think about what you say and do before you open your mouth! Don't you think Danny's hurting because you haven't gotten pregnant yet?"

"Danny has Grace so he probably doesn't care one way or the other and doesn't care how I feel."

"Caroline Thrasher Williams, that is the singularly most selfish thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth!"

"It's true!"

"It's NOT true, and how dare you write Gracie off like that! She is a beautiful, sweet, intelligent little girl who loves you dearly!"

"Bur she's not really mine!"

"The Hell she isn't! Are you so oblivious that you think that you have to give birth to be a mother? Let me tell you something, Caroline, there are an awful lot of people out there in this world who have had absolutely no trouble whatsoever becoming biological parents but they don't know the first damned thing about being real parents. They neglect, abuse, and abandon their biological children on a daily basis and those sweet babies have no one. The only hope those children have is that people who truly want children and will love them unconditionally will come along and adopt them. You have no idea what being a mother encompasses!"

"Oh, and I suppose you have all the answers since you have Emily?"

"No, I don't, but I love Emily with all my heart and I'm damned well going to do everything in my power to protect her and . . . I pray a lot. I ask God to guide me in being the best mother to her that I can."

(That comment takes the wind out of Caroline's sails and the two sisters look at each other for a moment without speaking as Caroline absorbs everything Sam had to say.)

"I'm scared, Sam. Sometimes, I don't realize what I'm saying until I've blurted it out and hurt people."

"Sweetie, you've got to stop obsessing about having a baby. You're letting this get out of hand and it's starting to take complete and total control of your life. What's the rush, anyway? You and Danny are both young and you have your whole lives ahead of you. You have plenty of time to have a baby."

(Caroline raises her gaze to Sam's and there is pure misery in her tear-filled eyes; her voice a mere whisper when she speaks.)

"We've done nearly everything together since we were little, Sam. We've always been like, . . Like 'the dynamic duo'. Any time one of us was hurt or sad, the other one has been there. If one of us excelled at something, same thing. I feel like . . . I feel like you're leaving me behind."

"Oh, Caroline. . . You're my sister and I love you and I will never leave you behind. I will always be there for you, but you've got to understand something , . . When I married Steve and you married Danny, and, please, God, don't tell me the real reason you married Danny was because I married Steve, they became the most important people in our lives. That's the way it's supposed to be and you need to understand and accept that. I will always be here for you to talk to anytime you need me, always, but you need to go to your husband first."

"What if he's the reason I need someone to talk to?"

"All the more reason to talk to him. You and Danny are going to spend the rest of your lives together, Caroline. You need to be comfortable talking to him about anything and everything. If you don't feel that way, you need to get back on birth control and stop trying to conceive because the last thing you need to do is bring a child into the world to parents who aren't secure in their own relationship. You so do not want to put a child in the middle of an unhappy marriage."

"You think Danny and I aren't happy?"

"I think that's where you're headed if you don't get your head on straight."