Chapter 4
Even his horse seemed to be dragging her feet with each step, though the old mare faithfully continued on even as her head drooped lower and lower to the ground. Very quickly into his journey home, Adam realized that if he got down off of that horse there would be little chance of getting back on. His legs quivered like jelly from effort, his eyes full of grit. But he plodded on, straight through that day and night into the next morning.
The more he thought about it, the more he was convinced that he had made the right decision to turn down Maggie's offer. While his body craved rest and stillness, his mind was churning with his gut. His father would never forgive him if he let something happen to Joe. Hoss too, really. Though in all honesty Adam knew he would never forgive himself the most. The title of 'Big Brother' was just too hard to let go of, even long after his charges had learned to look out for themselves.
A particularly hard step from the mare jarred Adam's teeth and threatened to bring up what little was left in his stomach. He closed his eyes, gripping the mare's reins and mane tighter. Water collected in his mouth, warning of imminent sickness.
'A man's responsible for what he does,' A Voice in his head scolded. 'If he loses control of himself…'
His words came back to sock him in the gut. He wasn't sure if the same man who left Eastgate all those weeks ago would return to the Ponderosa. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to be that same man anymore.
Adam replayed the last few minutes in Kane's camp over and over again in his mind. The haughty look of triumph as Kane revealed the provisions. The hanging challenge to take his best shot.
Kill or be killed.
Had he fought in survival mode, purely out of reflex? Did his animalistic need for self-preservation take over? Or did his mind turn on him, twisting his words in a sick game like Kane's. Adam of course had more than his fair share of fights. Most he had been goaded into though he was known to instigate from time to time. On the rare occasions when he took a life it was never without another option and most certainly with remorse. But never before had someone so carefully crept under his skin driving him to the very edge of his sanity making him question whether it was for self-preservation or revenge.
He wasn't sure his gut was churning solely from the physical ride.
His brothers flashed through his thoughts once more. How would he ever explain to them what had happened? Adam didn't think he would be able to look his family in the eye and confess that he had lost control. The thought of turning his poor, tired mount off toward the mountains tempted his hand for the briefest of moments.
He felt the weight of a strong hand on his shoulder. 'Just keep-a comin', Older Brother.' Hoss's voice drifted into his ear.
'I bet I'm home before you are!' He could see the dust from Cochise's trail as Joe flew off in a not-so-subtle attempt to get ahead.
The faintest hint of Bay Rum and horses drifted under his nose. 'We're waiting for you, Son.'
Adam sucked in a deep breath. He at least owed his family an explanation. And if he knew the Cartwright stubbornness as well as he thought, there was no way they would let him run until he worked out where his line in the sand stood again.
He shifted his weight to sit up taller in the worn out saddle. The landscape was beginning to look familiar again. With any luck if he continued at this pace, he'd be home late that evening.
He couldn't help but ask the poor mare to quicken her gait, just a hair.