They fly back to California and Dan holds Emily's hand the entire time, feeling how comfortably it rests in his. She smiles and tells him that she really enjoyed New York, and maybe they should consider moving there someday. Dan smiles back and tells her that he'll never go back. It's not the place for him. Emily gazes at him, searching his face, her hand coming up to smooth a curl off his brow.

"You're sad." she says, her face growing serious. She has these moments, when the sunshine fades and she's no longer his golden girl. Dan doesn't like them. He doesn't like that he makes her sad.

"It's just hard to be home." Dan answers. He can't tell her why, can't tell her that he's left his heart in New York, all to protect hers.

"I love you," Emily murmurs, her head on his shoulder. Dan puts his arm around her and pulls her closer.

"I love you too." he answers, the words sounding hollow.

He's not going back. That's what Dan tells himself, until a few months later the phone rings and it's Jenny on the other end of the line, and she's sobbing in between words. Dan only hears two things she says.

Dad. Accident.

Dan is on the next plane to New York and Emily kisses him goodbye in the airport, rubs his arm, tells him she wishes she could go with him. Dan kisses her back, tell her he'll miss her. Then he's on the plane, staring out the window into the darkness. His dad was biking when the car ran a red light and threw him twenty feet. He's in the ICU. They don't know if he's going to make it.

Nate is there when Dan lands, and it's been years since the two friends have seen each other. He pats Dan on the back and tells him he's sorry, and Dan barely hears him. They get into Nate's town car and speed towards the hospital. The lights of the city flash by but Dan doesn't see them. All he can do is stare blankly and wish he had once last chance to talk to his dad. He wants to tell him that he loves him.

The hospital is strangely quiet when they arrive, neon lights reflecting off polished tile floors. Nate's dress shoes click across the floor at they make their way from elevator to elevator, winding towards the ICU. Dan feels like he's in a dream, lights flickering, noises beeping, someone yelling down one hallway. He follows Nate, stumbling a little, trying not to run ahead.

Lily is outside the room. She looks thin and tired and when she sees Dan she runs up to him and wraps her arms around him.

"Daniel," she sighs. "oh, Daniel."

"How is he?" Dan asks, not really wanting to hear the details but not knowing what else to ask. Lily answers him like a pro, saying something about broken bones and blood loss, and he was wearing a helmet, but he's not breathing on his own and she ends by telling Dan that his dad is strong.

"He's one of the strongest men I know," Lily says, gripping Dan's hand in hers. "He's going to be okay."

Dan wishes saying things could make them true.

Dan stays the night. He curls up on the hard window seat in Rufus' room, listening to the steady hiss of the respirator, the occasional dings and beeps of the monitors. They create a macabre symphony that slowly lulls him into a restless sleep where he dreams of car crashes and monsters chasing him and his dad is dead...he's dead...he's dead.

"Dan?"

A soft touch on his shoulder wakes Dan and he opens his eyes to find a pair of brown eyes studying him.

Blair.

He doesn't even say her name, just takes her hand and pulls her towards him until she's in his arms, his face buried in her shoulder, and only then does he let himself cry, the tears roll down his face, his shoulders shake as he releases all of the worry and fear that has been pushed into the back of his mind ever since he answered the phone and Jenny told him that Rufus was hurt.

"Shhhhh..." Blair whispers, her hand rubbing his back, up and down, up and down, "Let it go, my love. Let it go."

"My dad," Dan manages to say. "I can't lose my dad."

"You need some rest."

He's barely slept in the last twenty four hours, he's been holding it all together, and now, as Blair holds him and rocks him, Dan can finally let go. Weariness courses through him and suddenly he feels like he can barely stand up.

"Let me take you home."

"Please," Dan says tiredly. He's not sure where home is but he'll go wherever she takes him. He doesn't care.

Blair helps Dan up from the window seat where he's been trying to sleep. He feels stiff and achy as he stands up, wobbles a little, and Blair steadies him with her hand. Her arm goes around his waist and he leans on her as they make their way out of the hospital to her waiting town car. She holds his hand the entire ride, glancing over at him now and then, squeezing his fingers so he knows she's still there. When they pull up to her penthouse, Dan looks over at Blair, surprised.

"What about Chuck?" he asks.

Blair smiles sadly. "I left him." she says quietly. Her words sink in slowly through the haze that has surrounded Dan since he found out about Rufus' accident.

...I left him...

"Why?" Dan asks, still trying to understand what she's just told him. Blair watches him, swallows, bites her lower lip.

"Because I love you."

...because I love you...

Dan looks at Blair. She looks afraid, but she refuses to look away, refuses to break his gaze. They are sitting in the town car, staring at each other, eyes locked. Blair reaches towards him, touching the back of his hand, and the moment her fingers make contact with his skin Dan feels hunger tear through him. He gasps her name out loud.

"Blair."

He wants her, wants her more than he ever has before, want to feel her skin against him, wants to feel something besides all of the pain and fear, wants to kiss her and make her moan, he wants her now. Right now. Right here.

"Upstairs." Blair says, her voice hoarse, and he can hear that she wants him too. Dan watches her through heavy-lidded eyes and barely manages to nod through the haze of lust. She is wanton, lips parted, staring at him.

Upstairs.

They stand on opposite ends of the elevator, both of them breathing hard and fast, not touching, teetering on the edge of control. They say nothing to each other, no pleasant chit chat, no words of thanks. There's nothing to say. Dan feels desire coiling in his stomach, tearing at his edges, and the moment they step into the familiar foyer he takes her into his arms and crushes his mouth to hers in a punishing kiss.

Blair moans as their lips meet, opening her mouth, tongues sliding against each other, and her hands pull at his shirt until it's untucked and her hands are sliding under the fabric, up his chest. She finds his nipples and grazes them with her fingers. Dan groans at her touch.

Everything is too slow. He wants her, wants her now, wants to be inside her, wants to come, wants that release. Fingers fumble with zippers and buttons, Blair pulls off her underwear as his fingers flick open the buttons of her dress, unclasp her bra, and then Dan is walking her backwards, kissing her, one hand on her breast, and she puts her arms around his neck and hoists herself up, Dan's hands barely grabbing her bare ass to steady her, liking the feel of her skin on his hands, her legs wrapping around his waist, her mouth never leaving his.

If he had half a mind he'd talk dirty and tell her he wants to fuck her. If he wasn't crazy with desire. If his dad wasn't in the hospital. If he wasn't a married man. But words will ruin the moment, so he just carries Blair over to the living room couch, lowers her down and spreads her legs with his hands. That's when Dan stops, hovering over her, Blair's dress pushed up around her waist, her top unbuttoned, her breasts exposed. She is breathing hard, wanton, her legs spread open, pushing her hips into the couch, grinding them, begging for release, her eyes never leaving his. She watches him with half-lidded eyes brown eyes dark with desire, watches him, never looking away. Dan feels like he might explode. He slides between her legs, pushes himself against her wetness, hears her moan, she lifts her hips and then he's inside her and Blair finally says something, his name. He loves how she says his name.

"Dan!"

Fucking Blair after all these years is catharsis. He moves his hips, sliding in and out of her vagina, feeling the friction, faster and faster, and it's so good, so good, their bodies sweating, slapping together, faster, faster, until she's gripping his back and calling his name again, and that's when Dan comes. He bucks against her, everything tightening up then releasing, and he calls out her name too.

They collapse against each other, sweat mingling with sweat, and Dan feels exhaustion take over and he's not sure if he can move.

"Let's get you to bed," Blair murmurs in his ear. "You've had a long day, my love."

Dan nods wearily. Somehow he manages to get off the couch and Blair leads him up the curved staircase, up to her room, where he crawls into bed, sinks into the soft mattress, lets her pull the covers up around him. She climbs in next to him, smooth his forehead with her hand, over and over until Dan falls asleep.

They never talk about what they're doing.

Jenny is there the next day. Dan and Blair are sitting in the window seat, Blair's head on Dan's shoulder when Jenny walks into the room. She is wearing leggings, a fashionable top, impossibly high heels and dragging a rolling suitcase behind her. It's been a long time since Dan saw his little sister, and he's amazed at how grown-up and sophisticated she looks. Blair jerks her head off Dan's shoulder when Jenny arrives and Dan gets up and gives his sister a big hug.

"How is he?" Jenny asks.

"He's not worse today," Dan answers. It's the best he has at the moment.

Jenny's eyes go to Blair.

"Hi Blair."

Blair stays seated across the room. Not because of old feuds or bad blood. That's long-over. She looks out of place and uncomfortable, because she is, but Jenny says nothing about what she saw or what she might think. Not at that moment.

"Hi Jenny." Blair says politely. She stands up and walks over to Dan, touching him on the arm.

"I'm going to go get coffee."

Dan nods and Blair walks out of the room leaving Jenny and Dan alone.

"Why is she here?" Jenny asks, her tone biting, and Dan winces because he knows what's coming next.

"Jenny," he starts, not quite sure what to tell her, not quite sure himself why she's here or what's going on, "Blair..."

...is my friend, is my lover, is the love of my life...

He remembers the night before, fucking her on the couch, and Dan burns with lust and shame, heat climbing up his face as he stares at his sister, trying to find the words to explain something he doesn't quite understand himself.

"Blair what?" Jenny asks, her hands on her hips. "What about Emily? What about your wife?"

Dan feels his heart clench. Nothing, even the fact that he's always loved Blair, changes the fact that he's cheating on his wife.

"It's complicated," Dan ends lamely, not knowing what else to say. Not really knowing if there's anything he can say. The machines around them whir and beep as Jenny and Dan stand, looking at each other, at an impasse. "I just need dad to get better. Then I can figure things out."

It's not a lie. He's stuck in limbo, stuck between his life in California and the pull of New York. Stuck between two women, the one he has made a vow to and the one who has his heart. His dad is stuck between life and death, hovering in between, machines keeping him from one or the other. Dan can't do anything about Blair or Emily until he knows which way his dad will go.

Jenny nods at his words and she seems to understand. They are all stuck until Rufus gets better, or until he gets worse.

"I won't lie for your, brother." she finally says.

"I would never ask you to."

Dan has no idea what will happen next. The future has ceased to exist.

Dan spends his days at the hospital and his nights in Blair's arms. He talks to Emily on the phone, tells her not to come, that he'll be home soon. She says he sounds distant, tired. Dan tells her not to worry.

Jenny doesn't say anything about Blair after the day she arrives. They takes shifts, Lily, Jenny and Dan spending alternate nights. Blair is always there with Dan and no one questions why. All the rules have been set aside, the moral outrage that accompanies an affair, the guilt that should eat through Dan's consciousness. It's been decommissioned by trauma, and all Dan cares about is Blair is there with him. Every day. He needs her. He can't breathe without her.

Rufus gets better. He breathes on his own. He is weaned off the meds. Dan is there the day he wakes up, sitting next to the bed, and the first thing he tells his dad is that he loves him, grabbing his hand, eyes shining with tears, and Dan has never been happier to feel his father's hand in his. Rufus looks at Dan, then to Blair, who is standing next to Dan, her hand resting on Dan's shoulder, then back to Dan.

"Blair?" he asks, his voice hoarse and tired.

"It's complicated." Dan says. "I'll explain later. Just rest."

His dad's eyes flutter shut and he falls back asleep. Dan lays his father's hand on the bed then stands up and Blair wraps her arms around him and Dan cries. Blair shushes him, rubs her hand across his back, whispers in his ear that it's over.

Dan calls Lily right away, then Jenny. Blair's arms never leave him, stay around his waist, her head on his shoulder, and Dan knows why she's clinging to him.

This is over. They are over.

They spend one last night together, making love, and this time it's slow and sweet and Dan's heart is breaking in a million pieces as he covers Blair's naked body with kisses, finds all the ways to make her gasp, memorizes her. Finally he drifts off to sleep, his arms around her, pressed up against her back, legs curled around each other, his breathing slowing, becoming deep and even as his eyes close.

Blair is watching him when he wakes up.

"You have to go back." she says. It's a statement. Not a question, not a plea. It's fact. They both know it.

"I can't stay here."

"Will you stay there?" Blair asks.

"I don't know."

There are no lies between them. Dan really doesn't know what he'll do. He's crossed a line in New York, although he's not sure which is worse: betraying his wife physically or not loving her more enough in the first place.

"I love you," Blair whispers, leaning forward and kissing Dan. He closes his eyes,

"I love you too," Dan answers. He's not sure how much it matters.