Frasier Returns: The Boss and Her Friend
Summary:
A dejected Frasier Crane returns to Seattle five years after the episode "Goodnight, Seattle" and reunites with his best friend, Roz Doyle. His return stirs both familiar and new feelings in both of them.
Author's notes:
I do not own the TV show Frasier. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes only. I get no compensation from it. Reviews are welcome.
I've been a fan of Frasier for many years, and I enjoyed the episode "Goodnight, Seattle." The ending was great, but it didn't tie up all the loose ends. This story is a "what-if" that takes a different direction from what the last few episodes of the series implied. The setting is five years after the end of the series. Roz Doyle tell us the story.
*****Deja vu *****
I kept my promise to Frasier and met him at Nervosa at noon. Almost noon. Really it was 12:15 when I got there. Before leaving KACL I had to settle a three-way argument between Bulldog, Gil, and me about which one of those two babies was gonna be on-air that afternoon. As I entered Nervosa I heard the honks and squeaks of the Gonzo Sports Show wafting through the air from the speakers mounted in the ceiling. Bulldog couldn't refuse an order from the woman who gave him his career back, could he? He was now pulling a double shift, and Noel was his producer.
Frasier sat at the table by the window with his head cocked to the side. You could tell he was listening to Bulldog intently. The barest hint of a grin appeared across his face.
"Sound familiar?" I asked as I sat down.
"If you'd told me ten years ago that Bulldog's voice would be music to my ears I'd have told you to change whatever medication you were on."
"I don't care if he sounds like a cross between Richard Nixon and Donald Duck as long as he pulls in the ratings points he does."
"I seem to note a greater maturity in him. It was almost a full 20 seconds before he hung up on that last caller."
"Yeah, he's mellowed with age all right. Did you know he won a Seebee last year?"
"Really?"
"So did Gil."
"But that's not the biggest prize, is it? Niles told me, Roz."
I tried but my false modesty let me down.
"Oh, that. That's nothing. What really matters are the on-air talent and the producers."
He was staring at me with that big smile. He saw right through me.
"Cut that out, Roz. 'Station of the Year' two years running is quite an achievement."
"OK, Frasier, it meant a lot to me."
"As well it should."
"Enough about my work. Daphne told me you were going to hang out at Niles' office for awhile."
"For as short a time as possible. I don't want people to think we're in practice together. You know how miserably things ended up when we tried to do that once."
"And writing books together, and especially opening restaurants together."
My remark was meant to be funny but instead it made my friend gloomy. Instantly I could tell he was thinking back to that night when he and Niles opened and closed their one venture into "food service" as he called it. He had me light a cherries jubilee that was overloaded with liquor. The explosion started the sprinkler, ran my boyfriend off, and left me a smoldering, pulp-drenched wreck. I could look back and laugh, but Frasier couldn't.
"It seems like all my schemes ended up backfiring on me and everyone I cared about." He reached out his hand and put it on mine. My breath caught.
To take the edge off his melancholy, I laughed.
"Oh, Frasier, I look back on those times as the best in my life."
"I do too. To be young again..."
Wait a minute. Frasier might be an old fogee now but not me. That's what I kept telling myself anyway. At the station meeting. At the advertising meeting. At the PTA meeting. The more I thought about those things, the older I felt. To break the chain of thoughts, I slapped Frasier's arm.
"Speak for yourself."
Frasier took no offense, he just rubbed my hand.
"Roz, I am. I envy you. Here you are, you've got a booming career, and you haven't aged a day since I left Seattle."
"Oh, go on."
"All right. You're an assertive career woman, you've got a close relationship with your child, you've maintained that girlish beauty you've had ever since I met you..."
"No, I meant hush."
"But Roz, it's true."
"Thanks. You know, I don't have enough time in the day to even think back on those times. I was telling Daphne about how..."
"Hush."
Well, that was abrupt. Frasier could be rude, but in the past I'd had some warning.
"Frasier!"
"No, Roz, listen to the radio."
I focused my attention on the sound system. Bulldog had quit talking. Instead I heard some chocking sounds then a crashing noise. Next it sounded like every one of Bulldogs sound effects devices had hit the floor at once.
"Something's wrong! I've got to get back there."
I rose up from my chair and Frasier the courteous gentleman did as well. On impulse I grabbed his arm.
"Come with me, Frasier."
We spilled out in the street and sprinted toward KACL. For two old fogees we could still make good time when we set our minds to it.
*****My shining hour *****
When Frasier and I got to KACL, the place was in chaos. Several people were milling around in the studio. Bulldog was laying on the floor with Noel kneeling over him. Noel seemed to be applying the Heimlich maneuver on Bulldog but it looked more like the Vulcan death grip to me.
"Noel, will you stop that! The chicken bone is out of my throat." Bulldog said as he tried without success to push Noel off him.
Noel stopped and turned in our direction.
"Oh, hi, Dr. Crane. It's a pleasant surprise to see you here."
"It's good to see you too, Noel. What's happened to Bulldog?"
"He was chocking on a piece of fried chicken. I just save his life."
"Yeah, you saved my life...and you broke my leg you ignoramus. This is just total..."
"You broke your leg when you fell against your noise makers. Looks like they cut you up pretty bad too."
"Has someone called an ambulance?" I asked. The boss had to take charge of the situation. Just as I finished, the crowd in the room parted and two paramedics came through. The old Roz would have been angling for the phone number of the cute younger paramedic. Today's Roz just wanted to get everything under control again.
The paramedics loaded Bulldog on the stretcher and started to move out. As he went by Frasier, Bulldog looked up at him.
"Hey, Doc. Nice to see ya."
"Good to see you and see you in such good spirits after your accident."
"Good spirits? You got that. Nursing chicks dig patients like me. I'm set. See ya later, Doc."
"Goodbye, Bulldog. I look forward to talking with you again soon."
The crowd left when Bulldog and the paramedics did, leaving only Frasier, Noel, and me in the studio.
Roz the boss kicked in again.
"Noel, what did you do about the broadcast?"
"Not to worry, Roz. I just put in an old tape."
"Of who?"
"'Of whom,' Roz. You meant to say 'whom' instead of 'who.'"
"Shut up, Frasier. Who's on the air?"
"I grabbed the first old show I could find. It's kind of ironic with Dr. Crane being here and all."
I hit a button on the studio console so we could hear what was going out across the airwaves. As soon as I heard the special voiceover and then in the regular show, I sat down involuntarily.
"You're listening to the Best of Crane on KACL. And we're back with the Dr. Frasier Crane show. Roz, who's our next caller? I'm listening..."
I looked over at Frasier. He was just as dumbstruck as me.
*****Anything you can do, I can do better*****
I had to think fast. That show was over 10 years old. Talking about that decade's fad phobia sounded like something from Victorian England. Frasier wasn't helping matters any. He was standing by Noel laughing, the first sustained laughter I'd heard from him since he'd returned to Seattle.
"Get in that chair."
"What?"
"Sit down in that chair, Frasier. I need my friend to help me out."
He quit laughing and sat down. I motioned for Noel to go to the control booth. Noel quickly flicked the switches then pointed to us.
"You're on."
Frasier sat in silence for a moment. Being the boss again, I grabbed the mike.
"Hey, Seattle. We're back live again. Our beloved Bulldog's gonna be all right, although it looks like he'll be out of action for awhile. To finish out his show, we don't have just a rerun of a Best of Crane show, we've got the real thing. Say hello again to our old friend, Dr. Frasier Crane."
I started to back away a little bit. I wasn't gonna leave the studio, but I figured he needed his space like in the old days. He surprised me though. Frasier motioned for me to sit down next to him. Immediately I did that while he leaned toward the microphone.
"Who are you calling old, Rozalinda Doyle?"
"That's not me, ya big doily."
"Folks, I'm happy to be sitting here helping out an old friend. An old, dear friend. One who has achieved success beyond the wildest dreams. I mean, who'd of thought that Bulldog would ever get his own show again?"
Frasier had me. I bent over laughing and couldn't stop. The microphone surely picked up the sound. I lifted myself back up to the microphone and looked at Frasier.
"What am I, chopped liver?"
"Why no, Roz, I think of you as a fine Bourdeaux, one that becomes more refined with age."
"Does that mean that I'm on my way to turning to vinegar?"
"I won't dignify that remark with an answer."
"What that means folks is that he's not quick enough to come up with a snappy retort."
"Give me a day or two, Roz."
"I'd like that a lot." Did that come out of my mouth?
Noel started waving his hands like a maniac. Well, more of a maniac than he normally was. Frasier saw him first and made a guess about what the signal meant.
"Noel over in the control room is making all sorts of hand gestures which I can only interpret as a sign that we must run some commercials or Roz's radio empire will go bankrupt. We'll return after these brief messages."
Like the old pro he was, Frasier hit the right button on the console and some soothing words about pork sausage came across the speakers. He leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head.
"Not bad, huh."
"Not bad for someone on the senior circuit." I replied.
"Save that for after the break."
He was right. We still had another 30 minutes to kill on air.
Noel jerked the door open and stared at us.
"What's up?"
"Dr. Crane, you didn't understand my hand signals."
"They appeared to be in Klingon."
"Yes. I'll go more slowly next time so you can understand them."
Enough of Noel's obsession.
"Noel, tell me in plain English. What were you trying to signal to Dr. Crane?"
"We've got ten calls waiting to talk to you two."
I looked at Frasier. Without saying anything, I knew he approved.
"OK, Noel, but none of those strange people from Spokane. Remember how much trouble Frasier used to have with them. Those crazy food phobias and what not."
"Yes, ma'am." With that, Noel scurried back to the control room.
"And we're back. Who's our first caller, Noel?"
"It's Sally."
"Go ahead, Sally. I'm listening."
"I haven't heard either of you guys in years. Where've you been?"
"Roz hasn't been anywhere Sally except the ivory tower here at KACL. For those of you who don't know, Roz is now the SeeBee award-winning station manager. She's the brains behind the operation that brings you Seattle's best talk radio."
"Hey, Noel, be sure to transcribe what Frasier just said so I can put it on the wall in my office."
"Now, where's my five dollars, Roz?"
Whap!
"Same old Frasier, folks."
We'd forgotten about Sally during the exchange.
"Dr. Crane, what about you? Where've you been?"
"Chicago, Sally. In private practice. I have a rewarding career there. As a matter of fact, I'm working on a manuscript about obsessive-compulsive disorder..."
"Hey, hey, hey, Frasier. The book review show doesn't come on until 9 PM tonight. Besides, they review books that already have been published, not just a few random words glowing on a screen."
"Ouch, Roz."
"The truth hurts, doesn't it?"
"I've missed you, Dr. Crane." Sally said.
"I've missed Seattle too. It's good to come back to your hometown for a visit and to spend time with people who are important to you."
He patted my hand.
We went on like that for a several minutes. Frasier was still a pro after all these years away from the mike.
"Noel, who's our next caller?"
Noel was making his weird gestures again.
"I think Noel was signalling me to take the call on line 4. Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, and I'm listening."
"My name's Jeff and I'm gonna kill myself."
Frasier's face got flushed. I reached over and clasped Frasier's hand.
"Let's talk, Jeff."