Severus Snape and the Last Year
By Carla Lute
Notes: If you want to go with the zippered, semi-chronological reading of the Last Year levels, you would read Level 3.6 right after Level 2.11: The Choice (aka Chapter 18).
Special Thanks to Imbeni for beta testing.
Disclaimer: This story is based on the Harry Potter novels written by J.K. Rowling. All characters created by J.K. Rowling are owned by J.K. Rowling. The few characters created by me (i.e. Persephone, Hotchet, Kagome…) belong to me, but are available for use in other fics as long as I get credited as their creator. None of us are making any money off this and no infringement is intended.
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Level 3.9: Young Again
February melted into March which warmed into April. Persephone's eyes dried. Despite having both Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger as her dedicated tutors, she became lethargic with her class work, punishing him by doing a bare minimum. She seemed to be dedicating all her energy to her clubs. Due to his warning late last term, she had allowed her Forum to focus on topics less likely to spark Voldemort's ire, but it had lost its caution and gained fresh momentum. He was worried and impressed by how many children of Death Eaters she managed to keep involved. Sinistra and Vector had been so curious that they set up an eavesdropping spell, so that the Forum discussions could be heard in the staff room.
Several of the staff members lingered there to listen Thursday nights after dinner. Severus brought a book to read but curiosity and a desire to hear her voice drew him as well. He had always thought her clever in her own way, but the way she handled her Forum impressed him. Sometimes she was very direct with her topics like "How Can We Be Prepared to Defend Ourselves in the Case of a Death Eater Attack?". But even when she set topics like "The State of the Wizarding Economy" and "Advances in Healing", somehow she was able to guide the other students to make their own parallels between peace and prosperity.
She let other students do most of the talking (it was nice to know Mr. Nott and Ms. Hedgebottom had more in common than the desire to undress each other), but clearly did enough research to make insightful comments and provide a bit of background. Listening to her skillfully defuse shouting matches and just as skillfully encourage heated debates, made Severus think she might manage to make her career out of talking after all.
She was blooming. Without him around to weigh her down, she was coming into her own.
Her nephew had undoubtedly brought her into his little resistance group. They called it Dumbledore's Army, but it was Potter's Army. Privately Severus thought it was the most intelligent thing Harry Potter had ever done. He did not like the idea of students fighting, but he wanted them prepared to fight. Voldemort had demonstrated many times that he had no compunctions about targeting children.
Potter and Patil used their head boy and girl status to introduce "emergency plans" in case the school was attacked. They were simple but showed awareness and forethought. If Potter could also learn caution and patience, he might stand a chance after all.
Draco on the other hand distracted the school gossips by making a fool of himself over Hermione Granger. Initially, Severus dismissed the rumors he overheard as speculative and exaggerated, but Draco showed up for Potions class early in April with an additional badge fixed to his robes directly under the prefect one. "What does S.E.E. stand for?" Severus asked him.
Draco went pink but spoke clearly. "The Society for Elvin Empowerment." A few students close enough to hear stifled snickers. Ms. Parkinson made an unflattering sound.
"Do Crabbe and Goyle know that?" he asked, doubting their fathers would approve of the badges they had been sporting at lunch.
"Of course they do," Draco said with feigned brightness. "Would you like a badge, sir?"
"No thank you." Professor Snape brought his questions back to the progress of Draco's experiment but saw him shoot an approvement seeking glance at Ms. Granger, who smiled and shook her head.
He worried about Draco making even more a target of himself but figured Ms. Granger had a better chance of getting Draco to join the Order than he did. As long as they were not pawing each other, Severus stayed out of his student's romantic affairs. As Mr. Nott had suggested, he was not "one to talk" in this area.
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Severus finally broke down and asked Pomfrey for a sleeping Potion. After the incident with the boggart, he had developed the habit of making a thorough search of his quarters before bed. The creature did not bother him again, perhaps Persephone did have some sway with it, but the increased paranoia had made sleep nearly impossible. He gave in when the words of the third years' essays he was supposed to be grading blurred into an unreadable mass of squiggly lines.
He wished Pomfrey would give him a sleeping draught that allowed him to avoid dreams, but she insisted dreaming was an important part of the natural cycle.
His dreams were strange, oddly lengthened and clarified by the draught. Some of them presented him with a world so perfect that waking was painfully disappointing. Others mocked him with bizarre mixtures of exaggerated anxieties. In one, he and Persephone were raising an eight year old Harry who kept calling him Uncle Snape and yelling "You're not my father!" whenever something upset him, until Severus locked him in a cupboard with insides that resembled his own childhood bedroom. In another, he found himself going to great lengths to help Persephone conceal a growing belly under her school robes, then wondering if he was actually the father since he had no memory of intimacy with her. He had dreams that crossed into nightmare territory, like Lucius wrangling an invitation to his son's wedding, but only so he could kill the bride. Severus puzzled out the plot but found himself trapped searching an endless maze of halls, unable to find the intended victim to deliver a warning.
He lost count of how many times Lord Voldemort killed him or someone he liked inside his head. But the dream that made his skin crawl the most, involved Persephone returning during his Death Eaters days and marrying Lupin, because in a lapse of judgment he had already married Bellatrix Lestrange.
Some dreams were more like memories.
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Demetria Potter's strong words, combined with a concerned comment from Lucius that he might be over doing it, had been enough to turn him off trying anymore dark magic. His experiments had left his nerves frayed, but he had learned to mask his weakness. It was a matter of survival.
Early in career as a Death Eater, the Dark Lord decided that he wanted a man at Hogwarts, and Dumbledore was reportedly hiring for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. Lucius nominated him, citing his perfect N.E.W.T. scores and extensive theoretical knowledge of the Dark Arts. While Hogwarts was one of the last places on earth he wanted to be, Severus pretended to be honored by the choice. Refusing the Dark Lord was unhealthy.
Severus had attempted to eavesdrop on Sybill Trelawney's interview for the extremely unglamorous reason that, at nineteen, he had never had an interview before and wanted to know what to expect. He had been surprised as anyone to hear her voice change and start a melodramatic prediction about the Dark Lord's demise at the hands of some newborn savior. It was a good performance, and he had been so rapt that he had not heard the tavern owner approach to drag him away from the door.
A few minutes later, he found himself spluttering out an embarrassed, though thoroughly honest explanation for his eavesdropping to a very skeptical Dumbledore. The headmaster had told him rather coldly that his services would not be needed at Hogwarts.
Afraid to return empty handed, Severus reported what he had overheard to the Dark Lord. Having heard so many real predictions that sounded nothing like the strange deep voiced rasping from Trelawney, he had not put much stock in it. Unfortunately Lord Voldemort took the matter more seriously. He was not foolish or paranoid enough to start hunting pregnant women. At first the Dark Lord asked only for Severus's silence on the matter, which he was quick to promise; though when Narcissa's pregnancy was announced, he did give Lucius a warning.
Later he sometimes wondered if her difficult birth and subsequent miscarriages had been due to magical means used to delay labor. He had never been tactless enough to ask.
After July however, almost a year after Severus had overheard half a Prophecy, the Dark Lord had asked Lucius for a report on recent births. Severus had been present. The Dark Lord had been keeping him close at that time; Severus liked to think for intelligent conversation but suspected he did not want news of the Prophecy spreading too far. It had not been an entirely miserable time. Lord Voldemort was a fount of obscure magical subjects. He had spent several years traveling the world and returned with many intriguing stories. He had no trouble understanding Severus's intellectual vocabulary and spoke of power and loyalty without the burden and complication of repressive ethics. Consequently he was also a dealer in dark magic and had encouraged the experiments that had come to worry the Potters. Even so, Severus had almost come to like him and certainly learned to respect him.
Lucius's short report had brought this to an abrupt end. There were only a handful of magical births around that time period, and the two at the very tail end of July belonged to known Order members. "July 30th Neville Longbottom, born to Frank and Alice Longbottom. July 31st Harry Potter, born to James and Lily Potter."
The Dark Lord's ears had perked up at the last. "Demetria Potter's grandchild?"
"Yes, my Lord," Lucius answered with a perfect mask of calm.
Severus was struggling with his. Half a memory crept over him like a lethifold. "You're certain they named him Harry, not Henry after the grandfather?" he asked, trying to sound casual, but he saw the Dark Lord's lip curl in disgust.
"Yes, they named him Harry. My source at St. Mungo's brought me copies of the birth certificates." There was a note of irritation in Lucius's voice. He did not like having the accuracy of his reports questioned.
Severus tried to look apologetic and unconcerned as though this had been a matter of mild curiosity, but his insides felt like ice. You have to protect Harry. Promise me you'll protect Harry. He remembered making the promise while gazing into a pair of silver eyes late one night in the Slytherin common room, but he could not remember the rest of Persephone's dream. There had been something about it that he had dismissed as impossible. But Harry? How had she come up with the name Harry? James could have told her he liked it, that was possible. But still he had promised. He had promised her he would protect her nephew, protect Harry, and instead he had signed his death warrant.
"My Lord," Lucius said. "I do think we should consider the possibility that Trelawney was merely putting on a performance for a potential employer. There are rumors that Dumbledore was planning to do away with the subject of Divination entirely." Severus nodded. He had already expressed similar thoughts.
"Even so," said Lord Voldemort in a reasonable tone. "Dumbledore will try to use this against me to bolster support for his Order of the Phoenix. We can use the Department of Mysteries to determine if this is valid Prophecy. I want you to get a man down there. Meanwhile, we will keep close watch on the Potters and the Longbottoms. Between the two, Lily and James have only directly defied me twice. I may give James one more chance before I lower myself to killing infants."
"I volunteer to track them, my Lord," Severus said quickly, and Lord Voldemort smiled.
"I admire your enthusiasm, Severus, but I haven't forgotten why you came to me in the first place." He tapped a long pale finger. Lord Voldemort had not been as snake like at that time as he would be when he later emerged from the cauldron at Riddle Manor. But his eyes were red, and his hair prematurely white. "You will tail Neville Longbottom. Don't let them know what you're doing, but I want to know where he is at all times."
Severus was sent out before he could learn who else had been given similar missions. He had a talent for being invisible, but dodging two Aurors on their guard and Neville's endless parade of extended family was not easy work. He kept crossing paths with Sirius Black and Barty Crouch Jr. both of whom seemed to have their own talent for spotting him. Alastor Moody still had two legs, both eyes, and his whole nose at the time and seemed to be everywhere. He had already killed two Death Eaters and hauled three more off to Azkaban. Two of them had been released on technicalities, but Moody was one of the few Aurors that made those who bore the Dark Mark truly nervous.
He had cornered Severus twice, roughly barking questions at him, and making it clear he was a suspect. He seemed to lack enough hard evidence, or perhaps anything beyond vague suspicions, but Severus still felt a shudder run down his spine every time Moody growled, "I've got my eye on you," before storming off. Severus suspected Moody had made some of his captures simply by goading wizards into attacking him.
Following baby Neville was a miserable time. It was easy enough to blend in on Diagon Alley. But staking out the remote Lancashire farm where the family resided meant long insomnia filled nights under concealment spells and an open air tent that allowed him a clear view through Omnioculars. It was tedious work since the new parents were reluctant to travel much with the infant. When they did leave, they generally left Neville in his grandparent's care. He made notes of visitors and nearly every sign of movement, more to give himself something to do than because he thought it useful.
He spent most of his time trying to figure out how to warn them without betraying himself to the Dark Lord's other spies or being hauled straight to Azkaban. However grateful the Longbottoms might be for the warning, it seemed unlikely that two Aurors would be willing to just let a confessed Death Eater go.
Two weeks in the Potters arrived for a visit, and Severus decided this was his best chance. They came by floo. Baby Harry was heavily swaddled so he would not breath in any soot. The Death Eaters had someone in the floo network office who might be able to track their travel and report back to whoever was supposed to be watching the Potters, but it would take time.
Severus slunk down as close to the Longbottoms' garden as he dare go. Neville's grandmother seemed quite insistent on giving all her visitors a tour. Lily and James did come out with both babies, both Aurors, and both grandparents. Severus hung back, weighing self-preservation against keeping his promise. It annoyed him to see James look so happy, like he had forgotten his sister. Then again with a wife like Lily and a healthy new baby it was probably hard not to smile.
Lily, being the polite and helpful guest that she was, came out after dinner to empty a bucket of table scraps into the compost pile.
"Evans," he hissed quietly from his hiding place in the bush. "Evans...Lily!" She twitched at the sound of her name and pulled out her wand.
He took a small step out of his concealment. "It's Potter now," she said softly as she pointed her wand in his direction.
"Sorry," he said irritably.
"What do you want, Snape? Come to kill me again?"
He froze.
"I recognized your voice," Lily said coolly. He swallowed. "I also saw you hesitate."
"I wasn't going to kill you," he whispered quickly. "I just needed to make it look...look, I came to warn you."
Lily narrowed her eyes suspiciously. Severus knew she was considering whether she should call out to the others, which would be sensible, but they both knew James was unlikely to want to hear him out and the Longbottoms would be obligated to make an arrest.
Severus raised his hands slowly to show he was not holding a wand and spoke quickly. "Dumbledore knows why. There was a prophecy. The Dark Lord thinks it could mean Harry or Neville."
Lily did not look as surprised as she might be. "Go on."
Severus made another check to see if there was sign of anyone else in the garden. "He's trying to verify it as real prophecy, but I'm not sure it matters. If he thinks Dumbledore can use them to give his enemies hope, he'll probably still come after them."
"Why are you warning me?" asked Lily.
"The Dark Lord said he was going to give James another chance, but I know James. He won't bow."
Lily smiled, and her face softened. "No, he won't, but that's not what I meant. You're a Death Eater, remember? I'm a Mudblood. Aren't you supposed to want me dead?"
"That's not why..." Severus glanced nervously at the window. The longer the spoke, the more likely he would get caught. "You're Persephone's family."
Lily winced sympathetically and glanced back quickly in James' direction. "Snape," she said quickly. "I never thought you were as bad as the others. If you're having a change of heart, you could really help us."
"I just came to warn you," he said. "Please let me go."
Lily grimaced with disappointment but nodded. "Get out of here," she said and began backing towards the house.
Severus did not need to be told twice and slipped away into the shadows.
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Dueling Club was about the only thing he looked forward to these days, but after the Hufflepuff boy lost his ears, Professor Flitwick became more actively involved. A first Severus did not mind. He liked Professor Flitwick, and the small man had many interesting and educational stories from his champion dueling days. He had thought, considering that the boy's ears had been restored and there were no further significant injuries, that this would be a temporary situation and Professor Flitwick would fade off after a few weeks as he had during the first term. But participating was far more entertaining for Flitwick than watching had been. Rather than fading off, he was gradually taking over. With another wizard Severus might have suspect this had been the plan all along, but Filius Flitwick, while quite sharp, was an uncomplicated person without an underhanded bone in his body. Since Flitwick was better and more experienced, Severus felt there was little he could do but step aside.
Best he could tell, none of the students minded, except perhaps Victoria who eyed Flitwick with increasing suspicion. Though this may have been because he was not as encouraging of her unusual tactics and spent more time on the faltering students than the ones leading the pack.
He spent his Easter holiday quietly making arrangements with Dumbledore and the Ministry to spirit Victoria and her brother off to a safer haven once the summer term had ended. The Ministry official insisted on an interview with Victoria and Thomas before she would sign off on the plan. Severus sat in and listened while Victoria detailed her father's behavior and Thomas nodded.
He wished he could offer to take the children in himself, but he had no place to take them. Even if he bought that cottage, he was far too much of a target. As they had decided it was best to find a place to hide them before Mudada Dey was made aware of the situation, the Ministry returned with the idea of trying to lose them in a crowd of children at a Muggle orphanage and using a Fidelius Charm as an extra level of protection.
The Ministry had enough of a case to arrest Mudada but finding him was proving difficult. His wife kept an address on the Wolds but like Narcissa insisted she had not seen her husband in several months.
Severus ran the orphanage idea past Victoria, unsure how she would react to living with Muggles, even if it was only for a couple months during the summer. "Thomas and I would be together?" she asked, her face trained to betray little. Severus nodded. "Then that is best," she agreed.
"If your father is captured by the Ministry and sent to Azkaban where he can't hurt you, would you want to return to your mother?" Severus asked.
A flicker of concern passed over Victoria's face, and she shook her head. "She does not protect us."
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"Severus, stay away from Diagon Alley tonight," Lucius had spoken in a very quiet, very serious voice.
Naturally curious, Severus asked, "Why?"
The Longbottoms had refused to go into hiding, though they kept a guard of family members around baby Neville at all times and never took him outside the farm house any further than the garden. After another week of tedious watching, the Dark Lord had allowed him to come back and continue his brewing. He was enjoying the novelty of sleeping indoors and having a chance to read.
Lucius flinched. "I overheard..." he made a furtive look around, no doubt checking if anyone else was close enough to overhear him. "The Dark Lord gave James Potter his last chance. There's nothing you can do, Severus. It's best if you're not seen in the area."
More than curious now, Severus put aside his book. "He's going after the baby?"
Lucius stiffened, clearly worried he may have said too much already. "I have to get back to Narcissa. Please, Severus, stay away." He left quickly. Severus had no chance to question him further.
There was a time when he might have heeded a warning from Lucius without question, but he had promised Persephone. If there was anything he could do to protect little Harry, he needed to do it. Having been forced to dedicate his time to the Longbottoms he had no idea where James and Lily had tried to hole up. Diagon Alley seemed like a foolish choice, but whatever was happening was happening there. He wrapped himself in a dark, hooded robe and went to hide in the shadows of wizarding London.
As dusk settled Diagon Alley was quiet, even the denizens of the night were skulking more quietly into the vampire pub. Several of the shops were deserted here and on Knockturn. Harfang had closed his shop in June and taken an extended business trip to consult with foreign publishers. It was a warm night at the end of August now.
Severus watched with morbid anticipation as the sky grew darker. Clouds were gathering, promising a storm. He looked up at the flash of what he first thought to be lightning but quickly realized was the Dark Mark. He was too late. It was hovering in the sky, green stars glittering against the clouds overhead. But it was too far away to be one of the shops on Diagon Alley. He ran. It would have been wiser to accept his failure and retreat, but he ran towards the mark. He had to cut through the Leaky Cauldron. Few patrons had lingered this late, but he paid little attention to the two remaining. His heart was threatening to seize up.
There was only one family he knew in the area where the mark was hovering. "No," he whispered as though in some vain hope that his protest might stop what had happened. He ran down the streets of Muggle London not worried about the looks he was drawing from the pedestrians. The door to the Potter's house was standing open. Severus ran inside, fear turning his veins to ice. He found Mr. and Mrs. Potter lying on the floor of the living room. At first, he thought they were both dead, but then he heard Demetria give a gasping sob.
Henry Potter made no move in response. Severus heard himself murmur 'no' over and over like a mantra, but he understood there was nothing more he could do for Henry Potter. He knelt down beside Persephone's mother and gently touched her shoulder. "Are you hurt?" he asked.
She let out a cry of anguish. At a loss for what to do, he began to withdraw his hand, but she called out, "Severus?"
"I'm here," he said, squeezing her shoulder. "Did they hurt you?"
"Henry," she moaned.
He had never been given a detailed explanation of her condition other than knowing it sometimes left her weak. He gingerly placed his second hand under her shoulder, debating whether it was wise to lift her. With a sudden jerk, she turned and clung to him. He wrapped his arms around her back to support her while she shuddered and sobbed.
He did not know why he had thought they would be safe. They were pureblood, but he should have known anyone who had Muggle in their job title, anyone who spoke against Lord Voldemort, anyone related to Harry Potter could be marked for death. Staring at the lifeless body of the kindest man he had ever known, at Persephone's father, he understood the weight of his failure. Persephone would have wanted him to protect her family, and he had failed her. He had taken the mark of a murderer, deluded himself with noble intentions, but failed to remember the most basic truth that only fools made deals with the devil. It was never worth the cost.
Demetria was still sobbing unintelligibly when the Aurors arrived a minute later. She gained enough control to confirm Severus has arrived after Lord Voldemort had left. The Aurors could not pry her off of him, so he volunteered to take her to St. Mungo's.
"Do you know why Vol—why You-Know-Who would have targeted your husband?" Frank Longbottom asked Demetria, while giving Severus a suspicious look.
"I—James—" Mrs. Potter choked out, before becoming lost in fresh sobs.
"Frank, it can wait," Alice Longbottom told her husband sternly. "She needs a Healer." Frank relented with a grimace at his own poor taste, and Alice escorted them to the floo.
At the hospital, Demetria Potter was taken to a room. Once she was given a bed and a calming draught, Severus was sent into the hall while Alice stayed at her side. He sat there for hours. Alice came out to thank him for his help and forbid him or anyone beside medical staff from entering the room. Severus lingered until early the next morning, when someone finally suggested strongly he go home.
He had run across Lucius in the lobby. His blonde friend looked like he had also had a sleepless night but broke into a smile. "Severus? I'm glad you're here." Before Severus realized what he was doing, Lucius had an arm around him and was leading him back down another hall way. "Narcissa had a rough night, but they're both okay now."
Severus blinked blearily at him, not comprehending until he saw the bundle wrapped in an exhausted Narcissa's arms. "May I?" Lucius reached out for his son, and Narcissa surrendered him reluctantly. He held the small thing up for Severus to see. The baby squinted at him. "Draco, my son." Lucius smirked, his voice full of pride, though it was also trembling with relief. Few things rattled Lucius, so Severus knew he had been in genuine fear of losing both of them.
"Would you like to—?" Lucius began, but Severus shook his head.
"I didn't get sleep. I don't want to drop him," Severus said in a brittle voice. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a very anxious Narcissa relax slightly. To appease Lucius, Severus offered the child his finger. The infant had worked a fist free from his blanket. It's tiny fingers opened at his touch and coiled around his. Draco's eyes were as pale as his father's and the tiny face squeezed into a curious expression as it contemplated him.
Severus had spent the last few hours wondering why Lucius had not done more to save Persephone's father, but he understood now. He had not had much experience with babies before, never had opportunity to touch one, but he knew he had never wanted to protect something so badly. A minute ago, he had been ready to turn Lucius and a few dozen other names straight over to the Ministry. Now he felt more cautious. Even with her father's death, he knew Persephone would have wanted him to protect Draco too. He wanted to give him a better world.
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Demetria Potter had lingered for almost another year, before some combination of grief and illness took her, but as far as Severus was concerned, Voldemort had killed her too. Severus had spared Persephone the details of her parents' death. He did not see how Persephone or Draco could benefit from the knowledge. Draco's birth had saved him too. He had spent a portion of that long night, trying to decide if it was better to turn himself over to the Ministry so his soul could be sucked out in Azkaban or take poison and save them the trouble.
Suicide was a cowardly act, but there was something appealing about not existing.
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After a few more sleepless nights involving long internal debates, Severus decided the most effective way to turn on Lord Voldemort was with the Dark Lord's permission.
"My lord, I had a thought," Severus, wearing the mask of a loyal Death Eater, had said almost casually even with the abject bow of his posture. "You still want a man at Hogwarts?"
Voldemort had nodded dismissively. "You'll have another chance. I've seen to that." The Dark Lord had no other Death Eaters to place in the role. He had plenty of followers, but most were married, too young, too stupid or already serving him by holding some key position in the Ministry.
Severus was curious to know what he had planned to give him another chance but decided not to press the issue. "Even so, Dumbledore does not trust me. Moody has made it clear he suspects my involvement with the Death Eaters and has no doubt relayed those suspicions. I thought it might expedite things if I gave Dumbledore a reason to trust me."
"Offer yourself as a double agent?" Voldemort's tone carried surprise, but his eyes were narrowed suspiciously. "And what will you tell Dumbledore has inspired this change of loyalties?"
"You killed Persephone's father," Severus said flatly.
Voldemort was no fool. "You want an explanation."
"Yes."
"I can not abide disloyalty," Lord Voldemort said contemptuously.
Severus frowned. "How—?"
"Henry Potter is nothing," Voldemort said with barely contained heat. "It is not your concern what she took from me." As quickly as the heat came, ice replaced it. "And no, Severus, this has nothing to do with your friend. When you find her, your loyalty will grant her my protection. Do you still want to tell me your plan?"
"Yes, my lord," Severus said, putting his emotions away in a little black box behind his walls of Occlumency. "I would pass Dumbledore information that will prove to be useful. Perhaps we can arrange a few attacks I can warn him of in advance. Hopefully it will be enough to convince him to chance me on staff."
"There's merit to the idea," Lord Voldemort admitted. "I'll consider it." After a few days contemplation, he encouraged Severus to make contact.
Severus sent the Hogwarts headmaster a second application and request for an interview and was promptly rejected. He did not dare approach Lily again. She and James were hiding somewhere, and if he could find her, he would risk revealing her location. The Order was a secretive group. They wore no marks. James and Sirius were outspoken about their intentions to resist Voldemort, but other members were more cautious. Still, if James and Sirius were involved in something, Severus suspected Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were as well.
Lupin was working as a shop assistant at Flourish & Blotts, and Severus was a regular customer. It was a natural opportunity to slip him a note asking him for a private meeting that evening. He was a little surprised when Lupin showed up at the Muggle bar he had suggested. Growing up on a predominately Muggle street, Severus knew how to dress, if not fashionably, well enough to blend in, and apparently so did Remus. Severus had traded his black robes for black trousers, a faded t-shirt, and black jacket. Remus looked like he had been born in blue jeans and a thin sweater.
"What do you want, Snape?" Remus asked as Severus joined him at the table. "I'm only here because Lily told me what you did for her."
Severus got straight to business. "I need an interview with Dumbledore."
"You'd make an awful teacher," Remus quipped. "Think of the children."
Severus scowled at him. "Not that kind of interview. Lily suggested something, and I want to explore it."
"I can't speak for Dumbledore, but I'll see what I can do," Remus said thoughtfully. He gave Severus one of his sickly smiles. "I'd offer to buy you a drink, but the boss told me I'm fired if I miss one more night of work."
"I don't want to stay that long," Severus said, standing back up. "I'll come by the shop before the full moon for your answer." Lupin's brow furrowed, but he nodded.
As Severus left, he thought he felt the eyes of a helmeted biker on him but tried to shrug it off as paranoia. How many wizards drove around on Muggle motorcycles?
Lupin delivered. He passed a note back to Severus inside a book with a time and location. Severus was so relieved he almost ran head first into Sirius Black while leaving the shop. "What's your hurry, Snivellus?" Sirius bit at him.
"Get splinched, Black," Severus retorted and continued towards the door.
"Funny how quick you showed up at the Potters," Sirius said in a low voice.
Severus pretended he could not hear him and kept walking.
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Severus sat shivering on an ancient pile of stone in the remote ruins where Dumbledore had asked to meet him. He had a fair respect for learning history but did not understand the Muggles' fascination with preserving decrepit foundations that no longer resembled the useful buildings they had once supported. It was midnight, the moon not quite full. A mist hugged the ground, and the broken piles of stone were starting to take on metaphoric significance for his life.
He had come early, but the minutes were dragging by like hours. A voice floated out from the darkness. "Place your wand on the ground and step away from it holding your hands out."
Severus recognized the voice and did as instructed. Dumbledore melted out of the darkness as he dropped the Disillusionment that had been hiding him. Gone was the cheery, deceptively doddering man from his school days. The merry twinkle Severus remembered had been replaced by hard suspicion.
"So Lily convinced you to turn on your master did she?"
"Yes," Severus said, though he realized that was gross over simplification.
"Then why did you not come to me more openly?"
Severus refused to show fear, even though most wizards would have quavered under the unwavering stare and wand of Albus Dumbledore. "I did send you an application," he pointed out and plunged forward with his confession. He hoped to win Dumbledore over with pure honesty. "Lord Voldemort wanted me to take a teaching position at Hogwarts, so I could spy on you. I'm guessing you already suspected that, and I told him as much. I convinced him to let me approach you, to offer my services as a spy."
Dumbledore's expression grew more severe. "Severus, your either the sloppiest double agent in history or ridiculously clever. Lord Voldemort and I are both accomplished Legilimens. How do expect to get away with lying to either one of us?"
"I've been practicing Occlumency for years," Severus tried to make a logical argument for his ability. "I don't betray every emotion like some people. More importantly I know when to keep my mouth shut."
"That gives me very little grounds to trust you," Dumbledore said simply.
He felt a tremble of worry but clung to his reasoning tone of voice. "I've helped Lily. Twice now."
"Yes, and she's eager to give you a chance," Dumbledore said. He sounded tired. "But you've just told me that Lord Voldemort wants you to win me over, so it's hard to know that wasn't a deliberate tactic. And there's no one else he could have heard the prophecy from..."
"Don't tell me anything useful then!" Severus argued. "Give me a trial period, let me show you—"
But Dumbledore was already shaking his head. "The simple fact is, even if you're telling the truth, it's too dangerous. For me, for the Order, probably for you as well. I will never knowingly let a Death Eater into Hogwarts. Goodnight, Severus." Dumbledore flicked his wand, which sent Severus's sprawling several feet away, and turned as though he could no longer stand the sight of him.
Severus saw his last chance and carefully constructed plan crumbling. He had been trusting for Dumbledore to set things right. A flood gate had been open, releasing all the pain and despair that had been building inside his chest. "Listen to me!" he cried hoarsely as hot tears dropped down his cheeks. He tried to collect himself, to say something to make Dumbledore see he was telling the truth, but he could not. A wave of hopelessness knocked him to his knees as more tears fell on the dirt and rocks below. "I can't — I don't —" For every argument he could form, his brain just as quickly supplied the counter argument to it. "Please...help me...I didn't want — I couldn't — please..."
There was a heavy sigh and the rustle of fabric as Dumbledore settled his weight on a pile of stones. "All right, Severus, I'm listening."
Severus felt a shudder of relief run through him. Even though embarrassment was gradually replacing the despair, it took him another minute or two to breath normally and regain the power of speech. The water rebelliously leaked from his eyes for several more. His hands were dirty from holding himself off the ground, and he did his best to brush them off against each other. He did not try to stand until he finished telling his story, and Dumbledore listened. "...I thought...I thought he could help me find her, but it was all pointless. She'd hate me now. I hate me. I can't...I need to atone. I need to make my penance, and I don't know how else to do it."
Dumbledore crossed his arms on his knees and looked down his long crooked nose at him. "It is a clever plan, Severus, but I was not exaggerating when I said it was dangerous. You will probably die. You may die with no one knowing you were trying to make right. And you may need to do more undesirable things to maintain your cover without crossing certain lines. This is not an easy path."
"My life is meaningless now anyway," Severus said, his eyes finally drying. "But do you think it can make a difference...?"
Dumbledore allowed him a tight smile. "Time will tell."
oOo
oOo
The story time told however was convoluted and murky. James and Lily had still died, as had many others. Alice and Frank had lost their minds. Guilty men had walked free. Justice was a nice idea but a fragile reality. He had managed to keep Harry alive so far, but the boy had become a young man and was building himself an army. If he ever had been, he was no longer necessary. The one thing that had given him something unique to offer was gone. The best he could hope for was to march on like a good little foot soldier, but he was tired. He had some faith that good would win out in the end. Not due to some Prophecy, he doubted it then and doubted it now, but organization, determination, numbers, public support. Potter was doing everything right. It might take years, but he suspected Harry would win eventually through sheer stubbornness and a preponderance of friends.
The students were out today, enjoying their last Hogsmeade weekend before the exams started. He was sitting in his office staring at the stack of papers he had just finished grading. The clock on the mantle had gotten stuck at three, and he was debating whether it was worth the energy to cross the room and fix it, when the door to his office burst open.
Persephone stood panting in the middle of the room, her hair in greater disarray than usual, and clutching a vial of blue liquid in her hand. "Oh mon, Severus, I'm sorry! I messed it up! I mean I think we did the potion right, but it wasn't supposed to change until after term as over. We were supposed to have time to talk about it, but it changed already, and I—" She had been speaking very quickly and was now floundering for more words.
Severus stood and walked slowly around his desk. "Is that what I think it is?" he asked, reaching out to take the vial from her.
She surrendered it and twisted her hands together. "It's a Younging Potion. It can make you younger, but it changed too quick. It was supposed to sit for three months—"
"Three months is a maximum," Severus corrected her automatically. "But it takes at least that long to brew." He had read about it a long time ago. Mainly he remembered that it was devilishly tricky and had some strange side effect that had severely dampened its popularity. "You made this?"
"Draco and Hermione helped," she admitted looking guilty. "Severus, I don't care if you look older than I do. I really don't. I don't expect you to drink it. But I can't not be with you. I can't! I wanted you to know that. And I thought...I thought if you had options..."
Three months. This explained all those furtive looks and study sessions. Persephone had not forgotten him at all but had talked Draco and Ms. Granger into helping her. The involvement of those two meant the potion was no doubt every bit as perfect as it looked.
"I'll drink it," he said abruptly.
"Severus, wait, please. Look at me."
He tore his eyes away from the vial and looked down at her face. It was a mix of hope and anxiety that told him despite everything she still loved him. She was so close, not quite pressing against him, but the space was minimal, her hand on his arm. "If you drink it, you can be any age again, but everything about you will go back to that age. You won't remember anything that happened after that point. I don't know that it's worth it. I can take an Aging Potion. I don't mind being my proper age. Or we can meet in the middle. But I think we should talk about it. Take time to think it over."
Curious side effect indeed. He remembered something else from his reading. "The potion is only usable for twenty-fours after it changes color."
"I only wanted to show you that we could do it, and if we did it once, we can do it again."
"That'll take another three months at least. I'm sure your friends have summer plans."
"If they can do it, you can too. I can wait."
"You don't think we've done enough waiting?"
She faltered for a moment, then grabbed his arm in alarm. He suspected she would grab the vial back if he let her, but he was much taller and held it out of reach. "Severus, give it back. I changed my mind. It's a terrible idea. I don't want you to change. I don't want you to forget anything. I like you exactly the way you are." She pulled vainly on his arm. He was stronger than her too and held it rigid. "Please, Severus, please don't. I love you. You don't have to change for me. That's not why I—I just want you to be happy." He could see her tears forming, feel her clasping at his arm. But she seemed very far away. She had resorted to jumping, but he merely the held the vial higher. His poor little darling was very short. "Give it back!" She whimpered with frustration. "We can be happy without it! Why can't you believe me? I like you the way you are!"
"But I don't," Severus said softly. She stopped jumping and gave him a sad look. "It's been a long time since I have."
"So be better," she reasoned softly. "I know it was hard for you. You've been alone a long time. But I'm here now. I'm not leaving again." She released his arm and pressed herself against his chest.
Severus stroked her hair with his free hand. "I know. But there's so much I want to forget." He pulled the cork out and put the vial to his lips. It tasted sweet and ran down his throat leaving a faint tingle behind. The tingle and coolness seemed to spread through him and everything seemed clearer. Persephone gave a broken gasp and released him.
"It-t's not too late if you just-just focus on now," she pleaded, but he thought he caught a tone of wonder and a hint of resignation.
Severus shook his head. "Remind me how it works?"
"You focus on the moment you want to return to and..." Her brow was creased with worry.
"There's a catalyst needed isn't there?" he said, more of his reading swimming up in his oddly clear mind. "Something physical to focus the body while you focus the mind."
"Yes," she admitted. "Like a slap or a pinch or something..."
He smirked. "Surely you can do better than that."
"Severus, are you sure this is what you want? Do you know when you want to go back to? If you're not focused..."
"I know the exact moment," he said. "The last time I was truly and completely happy."
Her brow still furrowed, she beckoned him closer. Maybe the word happy had convinced her, or perhaps, she just accepted that he was stubborn enough to finish this without her. "I love you," she said, and they kissed.
An outside observer would have seen a bright blue light and brief, smooth transformation as Professor Snape lost a few inches, a few pounds, and all his wrinkles, but this remarkable sight was lost upon the closed eyes of the only two people in the room.
oOo
oOo
Severus Snape was surprised to feel the lips pressed against his own, but it was a nice sort of surprise. He had no memory of closing his eyes but figured that must be a natural reaction brought on by the kissing and made no effort to fight it. He was also feeling an odd sense of vertigo as though the world had shifted, but also dismissed this as some natural reaction to being kissed like this. Lips parted, and he took a breath and blinked. "I guess you really wanted to go to the dance."
"What?" Persephone said. She moved her hands to cup his jaw with an incredulous look on her face. She seemed different than she was a few seconds ago, older, though that may have been the proximity and the increased blood flow.
"You just said you'd go to the dance with me," Severus said, trying to remember how she had closed the three or four feet between them so quickly. Maybe first kisses could result in partial memory loss.
Persephone stared at him with a shocked expression, which after a second broke into a broad smile, and then she was kissing him again. Severus continued to not be displeased by this and tried to participate. He was not sure where to put his hands and finally settled for her shoulders.
After what he believed to be a full minute, she stepped back and clasped her hands over her mouth. Severus smiled, almost as eager to talk about what happened as to repeat it. He had not expected...he blinked as his brain began to register his surroundings. This was most certainly not the Slytherin common room. "Persephone?" he asked slowly, still holding her shoulders. "Where are we?"
She squeaked under her hands in response. "We're in your office."
"My office?" Severus straightened, the novelty of the kiss began to wear off as the mysterious change of scenery began to dominate his mind. It reminded him of Slughorn's office, but the decor was all wrong. The clock on the mantle said three. Was that right? He frowned thoughtfully.
"You're a professor, now," she said, as his hands dropped off her shoulders. "I mean you were a few minutes ago. You...you drank a Younging Potion."
Severus frowned. "Why would I do an idiotic thing like that?"
Persephone started wringing her hands and shrugged. "So we could be together?"
Severus felt a growing sense of unease. "How old was I?"
"Thirty-eight," Persephone said, still giving him that worried look.
He looked at her again. She did look a little different, but no where near thirty-eight. "Did you take a Younging Potion too?"
"No," she said, looking curious, then seemed to understand the reason for his question. "Oh, I was trapped in a painting for twenty years, so I didn't age as much."
"Twenty years?"
"Yeah."
Right, figures...he was dreaming. The kiss should have given that much away.
"Why the hell would anyone want to be seventeen again? Why not twenty? Or at least eighteen, so I could have my N.E.W.T.s done..." A horrible thought occurred to him. "Did I fail my N.E.W.T.s?" He did not like failing any more in his dreams than he did in the real world.
"Oh, no, I think you got perfect marks." She reached up again and straightened his collar. He had had worse dreams. This one felt so real. "I was kidnapped later that same day, so I guess you didn't want to remember that. And the war...I'm sure that was unpleasant."
"What war?" There were hints of a nightmare in this dream. He hoped he was not going to have to live through that scenario. Persephone did have an annoying habit of predicting things.
"It's...that's a really long story," Persephone said, her brow knitted together. "I think we should save it for later."
Severus rubbed the back of his neck. If this was a dream, he might as well focus on the more immediate and less gloomy aspects of it. "What do I teach?"
"You're the Potions Masters."
"Potions?" Severus said, rolling the idea around in his head. He liked Potions. "I guess that means Slughorn's gone."
Persephone nodded. Severus looked down and noticed that he was wearing different robes. Black and scholarly, if a bit baggy on him. "I love you, Severus," she said abruptly.
He felt his face redden. "Oh, um..." He tried to think of something appropriate to say, but everything was happening out of sequence. He had sort of been hoping to work up to that at the dance.
Her searching look quickly morphed into chagrin. "I'm sorry. This must be very confusing for you."
"Oh, no," he said quickly. "I mean, yes, but it's er—"
"I should probably get help," said Persephone. "You stay here, and I'll be right back. Just...stay here." She started to leave, ran back to hug him, then ran out again.
While she was gone, he walked around the room, wondering if this was some strange elaborate joke being played on him, but he could not imagine someone going through that much trouble to have a go at him. He examined the jars in the office, reading the neat little labels in what looked like his handwriting. There were no photographs. Slughorn had been fond of photographs. Very few travel trinkets, unless you counted the ingredient bottles, which seemed like a far more sensible thing to collect than decorative chachkas. Slughorn's office had been cluttered with colorful knickknacks, many with moving parts, and all with stories attached to them, so the room itself seemed alive. These shelves, on the other hand, were lined with books and dead things. It was neat, sparse, and organized.
Severus leaned over the desk to examine its tidy piles. A quill, an ink bottle, a lamp, and two piles of parchment. He was afraid to touch anything but bent close to read the top essay, The Components of an Enlarging Elixir. It was boring but readable. There were marks in red that were very similar to his handwriting. He heard the door open and looked up to see Persephone walk back in, closely followed by two taller students. The boy reminded him of Lucius, tall, pale, blonde with sharp features. The girl had long, bushy brown hair and dark eyes. They were both attractive, out of uniform, and wore expressions of shock and concern, but the boy's eyes were narrowed while the girl's were wide.
"Professor Snape?" the blonde said uncertainly.
"Who are they?" Severus asked Persephone. He had thought she would bring teachers.
Persephone gestured to the girl first. "Severus, this is Hermione Granger."
"Hello," the girl, Hermione, squeaked.
"And this is Draco." Persephone presented the boy with a significant pause. "He's Lucius's son. They're prefects."
"His son?" Severus repeated. The handsome boy nodded.
"Persephone, what have you done?" the other prefect, Hermione...unusual name, hissed.
"He took it out of my hand," Persephone whined. "I couldn't stop him."
Did I? wondered Severus, wishing he could remember.
"You must've brought it down here in the first place though," Draco pointed out.
"I told you. I panicked." Persephone wrung her hands again. "What are we going to do?"
"We should take him to Professor Dumbledore," said Hermione.
Draco gave her a startled look. "Dumbledore?" They were talking as though Severus was not in the room, and it was beginning to annoy him.
"We're not going to be able to hide this." The girl in the striped jumper waved her arm at him. She seemed to be working herself into a panic. "Everyone will notice that Professor Snape isn't quite right."
"Is it true then?" he asked to get their attention. "I'm really a Professor?"
"Well, you were-are," staggered Hermione. "I don't know if you will be anymore. I don't know what we're going to do about our review for the N.E.W.T.s."
"We'll never get him through the halls without drawing a crowd," said Draco. "Should we bring the Headmaster down here?"
"Here. Put this over him." The Hermione girl pulled an invisibility cloak out of her shoulder bag and looked at him awkwardly. In a gentler voice she added, "I mean, if you're ready."
"Yes," said Severus, stepping around the desk to accept the cloak. This was turning into a fun dream after all. "I want to see the Headmaster."
"That looks like James' cloak," Persephone interjected.
"It is," Hermione told her. "He left it to Harry."
Severus knew Harry was supposed to be James' son. Persephone had described some dream about him not long ago. But the other issue drew his attention more strongly. "James has an invisibility cloak?" It explained a lot and annoyed him to think Persephone would keep such a secret.
"Had," Persephone amended softly. "He's dead."
"Dead?" Severus repeated. This was a morbid fantasy. "How? Did he die in the war?"
"We'll give you the history lesson later," Draco said bruskly. "Let's go see Dumbledore now."
Severus started to wrap himself in the cloak but paused at the sight of their grim faces. They did not expect Dumbledore to be happy about this. "Am I in trouble?"
"No, I don't think so," Persephone assured him. "But I might be."
"Why?"
Lucius's son jerked the cloak to close around him and pulled him to the door. "Keep quiet and keep up." The two prefects lead them through a convoluted but less populated series of passage ways. Persephone kept her arm on his as they walked, which Severus thought might give them away, but none of the students they passed said anything. The bushy haired prefect gave the password when they arrived at the entrance to the headmaster's office.
Once they were safely out of the main corridor, Draco pulled the cloak off him just as roughly as he had put it on, and handed it back to the girl who quickly folded it back into her bag. She knocked on the door, and Dumbledore bade them to enter.
"What is it, Ms. Granger?"
"It's um-it's Professor Snape, sir."
"Severus!" Unlike Persephone, Dumbledore actually looked twenty years older. It was a little unsettling. The shock and concern warring on his face was even more intense than Persephone's had been. "What happened?"
"I don't know, Headmaster," said Severus. "One minute I was in the common room and next thing I know I'm in an office and…" He was not sure how to explain this next part. "Persephone told me twenty years had passed."
The lines on Dumbledore's face deepened as he turned to Persephone. "Can you tell me what happened?"
"I-I made a Younging Potion," she stuttered. "It wasn't supposed to mature until after term. I was going to talk to Severus about it and give him time to think it over. But it changed color early, and I panicked. I didn't mean for it. I was just going to talk to him about it, but he took it out of my hand and wouldn't give it back."
"And he took this potion with full knowledge of what he was doing?" Dumbledore's voice was a little too calm.
"He would have had to, sir," Hermione interjected. "The potion requires the drinker to focus on a particular point in time."
"Ms. Granger, this is a very serious matter. Were you in anyway involved in the brewing of this potion?"
"No, sir," Persephone said firmly. "It was just me."
"Are you sure about that, Ms. Potter?" Severus found his eyes wandering around the office while the others talked. It was familiar but different somehow, little details. "A Younging Potion is an extremely complicated bit of brewing if my memory serves."
"It is," Severus said. He had an almost compulsive need to answer academic questions. "Takes three months simply to brew it. But the three month wait for maturity is maximum, Persephone, not a fixed time period."
Dumbledore's lips twitched, and he smiled sadly. "Read Most Potente Potions cover to cover, I see."
"Yes, sir," said Severus, impressed and pleased the headmaster knew his reading habits.
"I remember," said Dumbledore said. "I've learned to keep my eye on that particular book. Mr. Malfoy, I found it particularly curious when you checked it out with permission from our Astronomy Mistress back in January. I had words with her about it, I assure you. However as you had started keeping counsel with Ms. Granger, I thought it best to leave you to her better influences, perhaps that was unwise."
"I asked Draco and Hermione to help me, Headmaster!" Persephone interrupted. "He got the book for me, but when he saw the full affects of the Potion, he advised me against it."
"That's true, Headmaster," Hermione murmured.
"Is it true, Mr. Malfoy?" Dumbledore asked.
"It's true, sir." Unlike the girls, Lucius's son look unabashed. "I told her it was a bad idea. That it would be like killing him."
Severus sensed trouble. "I'm not dead. I feel fine. Just a little...out of place."
"Quiet, Severus," Dumbledore said sharply. "You have an extremely good memory, Ms. Potter, to have only seen the book once and remember all the steps for that Potion correctly."
"I borrowed the book from Draco's bag and copied everything down before he turned it back in," Persephone said quickly.
"Maybe I helped her, Headmaster," Severus suggested. "If I'm the Potions Master, I'd have access to all the ingredients. I mean I wouldn't remember."
"No," Persephone said gently, her eyes shining as she looked at the teenage Snape. She touched his shoulder gently. "You didn't do anything except drink it. I take all the blame, Headmaster."
The dream got weirder. Persephone was expelled but not until the end of term. It seemed the other two might share her fate, but they distracted the headmaster with a story about Draco being attacked by a Death Eater, followed by the story of the gory murder of Evra Tomes, and the news that a whole mass of Death Eaters was living in a series of secret underground caves under Malfoy Manor. Severus did not want to see Evra Tomes murdered, he was rather fond of her, but he was used to more visuals and less talking in his dreams. Persephone listened with a gape mouthed expression. Severus was filled with the odd desire to start kissing her again, but that seemed highly inappropriate.
"...he used that spell to cut his hand and left blood on the stone, then he healed his hand and exposed his Dark Mark. It turned red, and the blood soak into the stone. And then the wall opened. That's how we got in. We thought that maybe Snape…"
"I do believe Severus Snape no longer bears the Dark Mark," said Dumbledore. "Roll up your left sleeve, Severus."
He did as Dumbledore asked, relieved to find nothing there, but chilled by the implication. Dumbledore thought he had been a Death Eater, a dark magic user.
"It might have been convenient to have ready access to the Death Eater's lair, but walking into the vipers' pit is often not the wisest move."
"It's my home," Draco said weakly.
Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder. "Home is where you are loved, Mr. Malfoy."
He's obviously never been to my house, Severus thought bitterly. How on earth could Dumbledore ever think he would be a Death Eater? He had studied dark magic so he could fight it, not use it. Yeah, Lucius had...Regulus might...and Avery probably...but not him. Persephone would hate it, and his father would kill him, so clearly...
He realized he had gotten lost in his thoughts and missed part of the conversation.
"...as such, I think it's best you three go, so I can decide what to do about young Severus."
Persephone gave him a look that said she did not want to leave him, but Draco took her arm and lead her to the door. She stopped there and looked over her shoulder. "Professor Dumbledore. Take care, sir. You need to get some rest, or you'll be too tired when the time comes." Severus knew what that voice meant but doubted the other did. The two prefects darted out of the room, pulling her with them, and shutting the door after.
Severus could hear their faint voices fading down the stairs.
"Are you nuts?"
"Doesn't he look tired to you?"
"Well, he's getting on. But I don't think that was the right time to..."
Severus turned around to face a very grave, very troubled, very old looking Dumbledore. "Why, Severus? Why would you...?" the headmaster trailed off, and Severus realized he was not talking to him, but to someone who could not answer.
He felt a chill creep down his spine, and at the same time, a strange sense of elation. "I'm not dreaming, am I?"
Dumbledore looked at him properly and shook his head.
"I'm sorry, Headmaster," Severus said. "I didn't mean to cause you trouble. I mean I don't think I would have." He swallowed. Dumbledore was one of the few people whose respect he deeply craved. He did not like the idea of disappointing him.
Dumbledore walked to his desk and sunk down in the high-backed chair without a word. He dropped his face into his hands in such a weary posture, Severus was afraid to speak to him. Fawkes flapped off his perch and landed on the headmaster's shoulder. The bird began to sing softly, and Severus sunk down into one of the chairs facing the desk as he had many times before.
He tried to sort out the mess of information flung at him, but none of it made sense. Kidnapping and Death Eaters and war and...and Persephone. And James dead...that shouldn't make him feel so happy and relieved. Apparently he had lived long enough to have a son. Harry Potter, son of James...Persephone's strange dream. Had he dismissed it too quickly?
He had told her it was impossible, because Harry was a young man and he had looked the same...but now...thanks to the Younging Potion, he was the same. He ought to warn Harry about the snake-faced man. He had promised Persephone...Persephone had kissed him, and he had drunk twenty years of his life away for her. That was insane. It sounded like the plot to one of those ridiculous novels she and Narcissa liked to read. He made fun of those things, and now he seemed to be living in one.
He was annoyed with this older self he could not remember for making Dumbledore look so miserable. Obviously school was still in session. You would think he could at least wait for summer when classes were out. But then it seemed obvious to him that Persephone's friends had helped her make the potion. She had lied to cover for them. His decision had been hasty.
"What now, Professor?" he asked to break the silence.
Fawkes had stopped singing. "I don't know," Dumbledore said, looking up at him. There was a tear glistening on each cheek, and it made Severus very uncomfortable. "I suppose we ought to have Poppy look you over. Make sure there are no other side effects."
Severus nodded his assent, unsure who Poppy was, but not wanting to give Dumbledore anymore grief. He cast about for something to say. "I finally finished reading that book you lent me, Magica Amoris..." He remembered this might be twenty year old news. "Did I remember to give it back?"
Dumbledore nodded. "Unfortunately, you were in no mood to discuss it."
"Oh..." Severus said, wondering if that had something to do with Persephone's kidnapping. If she had kissed him like that and then gone missing... "Well, if you wanted to sometime..." he began awkwardly.
"Unfortunately, now I'm not in the mood," Dumbledore said grimly. There was a hint of restrained anger in his eyes and voice.
Severus swallowed.
"Is this my fault, Severus?" Dumbledore asked him.
Though again, Severus believed he was asking someone who was gone. He tried to answer. "It's obviously mine, sir," he said, slumping with guilt.
Dumbledore gave him a curious look and sighed. "No, boy, it isn't your fault. But it is your problem. And mine. Tell me. Do you love her?"
Severus did not need to ask who he meant. While he had spent the last few years thoroughly certain that he did, at the moment, he was not entirely sure.