Nathan stepped into the apartment building and ran up to the apartment that he shared with Haley. It didn't surprise him that Haley wasn't home, after all cheerleading practice was still going on and if he remembered right she was also tutoring someone this afternoon. He would have gone back to the school for practice but knew Whitey wouldn't let him in since he was already late. Sighing Nathan grabbed the remote and turned on the tv. If Nathan was gonna be alone he was gonna kick back and watch something on the tv. It was the only thing that stood a chance at keeping his mind off Lucas and Brooke. This was getting a little out of hand, there had to be something he could do for Brooke. All Nathan knew was that he wanted to help but he really didn't have a clue how. It was tough for him too. Lucas was his brother.
"Forget it. The tv is useless too," Nathan stated to no one in particular. He clicked the remote off and tossed it on the couch.
Nathan looked around the apartment and decided he needed to get out. He grabbed his I-Pod and sweatshirt and decided to go for a run. It was something that he had normally done with Lucas. As thoughts of Lucas clouded his memory Nathan ran harder and faster. Everything passed by in a blur as tears fell from his eyes.
He was so focused on running that he hadn't even noticed where he was running to until he stopped in front of the café. Nathan hadn't gone in there much for the past two weeks. It was too hard, he still felt like he should walk in and see his wife and brother goofing around or actually working. He stood at the door unsure if he should go in or keep running. Just as he was about to keep running something changed his mind. Nathan walked closer to the door and pushed it open. The bell jingled above the door and made him jump. Karen was behind the counter and the place was packed. Nathan found an empty stool at the counter and sat down.
"Nathan, how are you?" Karen said cheerfully.
"Not so good Karen," Nathan replied.
"Would you like something to eat?"
"I'm not hungry. I really just wanted to come see you. I feel like I haven't been in here forever. And now I think I know why. It's still too hard. I'm sorry I have to go."
Nathan stood up and ran out of the café and kept going until he reached the River Court. Yet another place made him think of Lucas. He sat on a bench and stared at the basketball. Maybe if stared hard enough he could forget about the fact that his brother was gone. Nathan was still sitting there when he felt the weight shift. He looked up and found himself staring face to face with his uncle.
"Nate shouldn't you be at practice?" Keith asked.
"Whitey let me off today," Nathan replied.
"What for?"
"So I could check on Brooke."
"I don't see Brooke here. Are you sure that's why you got out of practice?"
"Yes. I went over there but she wouldn't let me in. So I went home but decided to go for a run. I went to the café and saw Karen but that was too hard so I ran here. Keith everything is so screwed up. It's like everywhere I go, everyone I look at makes me think of Luke. I shouldn't look at a little girl holding a jump rope and think about my dead brother but I do. It's too hard. I really miss him."
Nathan got choked up and broke down. Keith reached over and pulled his younger nephew into a hug.
"I know you miss him but it will get easier. I promise."
"How does it get easier? He's never coming back. My kids will never know their uncle. I hate this. I hate Jimmy. I'm glad he's dead. Bastard. He took my brother and my best friend."
Nathan sobbed into Keith's shoulder. Keith sat silently as Nathan continued to cry. He was at a complete loss of words. The more he listened to his nephew fall apart the more he wanted to bring Jimmy back to beat the shit out of him.
"What about Brooke? How's she holding up?" Keith asked after Nathan had calmed down.
"I don't know. She won't talk to anyone. She didn't even stay at school all day today. It was the first time she's been back and it was too much for her. I don't think she's gonna be there tomorrow. I can't say I blame her but I couldn't sit at home anymore. It was actually harder than getting up and living in my normal routine," Nathan replied as he wiped his eyes.
"Do I even wanna ask about Hales?"
"She's better now. It's still hard on her but she's controlling it a little more now. I think she's tired of crying everyday. Actually I think she's tired of crying in front of me everyday. Something about not wanting to make it harder on me."
Keith had no idea what to say. Instead the two Scott men sat at the table silently lost in their own thoughts.
"Well I just wanted to check on you. I gotta go back to the shop. Don't forget you can always came talk to me Nate," Keith said as he stood up to leave.
"Thanks Keith. I should probably head back to the apartment. Haley's probably worried about me," Nathan replied. The two men embraced before walking in opposite directions.
Brooke was still sound asleep when the doorbell rang. She grumbled as she got off the couch to see who it was.
"What," she snapped as she swung the door open.
"Well hello to you too," Peyton laughed.
"Sorry I'm not in the mood for company."
Brooke tried to shut the door but Peyton stuck her foot out. There was no way she was leaving Brooke alone. Brooke scowled at Peyton when she saw her foot in the door.
"I'm not leaving. Brooke we haven't really talked in two weeks. I'm worried about you," Peyton said seriously.
"Stop worrying, I'm fine," Brooke lied.
"Are you really?"
Brooke tried to smile but it gave way to a frown and the tears started again.
"No, I can't do this anymore. I don't wanna live without him. I don't know how."
"Brooke, don't say stuff like that. I'll help you through this. I know you miss Lucas."
"I don't just miss him Peyton, I still love him. I don't think I'll ever stop."
"You probably won't. There's always gonna be a special place in your heart that belongs to Lucas and that's fine but you can't give up on the rest of your life in the mean time. Look at you, you're young, you're beautiful. You'll get through this."
"Being young and beautiful isn't gonna make me feel better. I don't care if I'm young I don't care if I'm beautiful. Nobody will ever make me feel as beautiful as Luke ever did. Please, just go. I need to be alone."
"No. I'm serious. You stood by me when my mom died and then again when Ellie died. Now it's my turn to stand by you. We don't have to talk about anything. I'd be happy to sit here with you and let you cry if that's what you need. Whatever you need, I'm here."
Brooke didn't say anything. She just threw her arms around Peyton and rested her head on her shoulder. Peyton leaned her head against Brooke and sighed.
"Thank you," Brooke whispered.
"For what?" Peyton asked.
"Being you. Being here."
"You don't have to thank me for that."
"Yes I do. I've been a jerk, avoiding you and everyone else. I'm not the only one who misses Lucas and I've been acting like everyone should feel bad for me and when you do I get mad. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. I understand and so does everyone else. Especially Nate and Hales. . They know you're upset and that you miss Lucas."
"But it's not fair. And hey what's with you getting all bitchy with Rachel this morning? And then again at lunch."
"It was nothing."
"Peyton."
"Ok, I don't like that she seems to be swooping in and trying to take everything from everyone. First she tried to take Luke from you and now it's like she's trying to take you from me."
"Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer that is not gonna happen. Rachel may not be miss sweetheart all the time but she is my friend. You however are my best friend. It was just a coincidence that Rachel walked into the bathroom while I was crying and she offered her shoulder. I was in no position to object. Nobody is taking your place."
"I know. I'm sorry."
Brooke didn't say anything. She didn't have to. Peyton knew she was forgiven, that's just the kind of friendship they had.
"He was gonna be the one. I just know it. We already had kids names picked and everything. Our entire future was decided all we needed was for time to go by so we could reach those things. Now it'll never happen. I'll never the family I dreamt of because I'll never see Luke again," Brooke cried.
"It's ok. You'll have your family. Any guy would be lucky to have you," Peyton said sympathetically.
"No Peyton. I don't want anyone else! Lucas was the only one for me and now I'll never get married because he's dead!"
Brooke ran up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door shaking every window and picture frame in the house. She collapsed on her bed and buried in her face in her pillow. Tears flooded her eyes and dripped into her mouth. Peyton followed her up the stairs and knocked on the door.
"Brooke, let me in. Please," Peyton pleaded.
"No," Brooke replied.
"Please. Remember, I'm here for you. We don't have to talk."
Brooke didn't say anything. She just rolled her eyes as she heard the door open and close again. The mattress shifted under her as Peyton lay next to her. She desperately wanted to shove Peyton off the bed but she didn't have the energy.
"I love you," Peyton said as she wrapped her arm around Brooke and let her cry.
Just hearing Peyton say that made Brooke's tears come faster. No one else would love her the way Lucas did. His love was the only true love Brooke had ever known, aside from Peyton but that was different. The two girls were lying on the bed ten minutes later, Brooke's head buried in her pillow with Peyton next to her wrapping her arms around Brooke's body, when the phone rang. Peyton jumped off the bed to answer it.
"Hey Hales. Yeah, I'm over here with her. Did you think I was gonna take no for an answer? I'm a bit more stubborn then your hubby," Peyton laughed.
"How is she?" Haley asked nervously.
"It's horrible. She's laying face down with her face buried in the pillows. I don't think we've said anything to each other for at least a half an hour."
"Do you want me to come over? Maybe I could sit with her and you could take a break or something."
"I dunno Hales. It's worth a try."
"Good now get down here and let me in. The spare key isn't where it's supposed to be and the door's locked."
"No it's not. I unlocked it when I came over. And the key isn't where it's supposed to be cause I left it on the counter. I'm upstairs."
"Ok. See you in a second."
Peyton clicked the phone off and a second later she heard the front door close and then footsteps coming up the stairs. She met Haley at the top of the stairs and smiled when she saw the ice cream.
"I'm not an idiot. I know to come armed with ice cream when all is not right in the world of Brooke Davis," Haley said when she saw the look on Peyton's face.
The girls walked over to Brooke's bedroom door which Peyton had closed.
"Come on," Peyton said as she opened the door.
"Go away," Brooke muttered as she heard the door open.
"Nope. I have ice cream," Haley said trying to sound cheerful.
Brooke grabbed a pillow and chucked it. Haley and Peyton ducked as it came dangerously close to hitting both of them. They converged on the bed and laid next to Brooke and wrapped their arms around her. Maybe ice cream wasn't a good idea right now.
"It'll be okay," Haley said softly.
Brooke groaned. That was the last thing she wanted to hear right now. It was right up there with "I'm sorry" or "I know it's hard" or Brooke's personal favorite "I'm here if you need anything". She knew Haley meant well but that wasn't gonna make anything different.
"No it won't. It'll never be okay. You of all people should know that Haley," Brooke snapped into her pillows.
"Brooke please. Try to listen to me for a minute. I know you miss Luke. I do too but come on, you know as well as I do he wouldn't wanna see you like this."
"Hales, stop. Of course I miss Luke but I don't need to be reminded by other people. Being alive without him is becoming impossible. I really don't know if I can do it without him anymore."
Again tears were rolling down Brooke's cheeks. At least 7 times, that was the number Brooke had figured she'd cried today. A sob caught in her throat as she felt Haley and Peyton tighten their grip on her. Yes she had lost her boyfriend but she still had her best friends. She desperately wanted to thank them for being patient with her but the tears were coming harder and the sobs were more severe.
"Haley," Brooke choked out hesitantly.
"Ya Tigger?" Haley replied.
"Thank you. Really I know you mean well."
"You're welcome. Come here."
Peyton had fallen asleep so Brooke scooted a little closer to Haley. As soon as she moved over Haley tightened her grip on Brooke and they laid silently as tears fell from both their eyes.
"So I remember something about ice cream," Brooke said an hour later when the three girls woke up.
"Ya, it probably melted though," Haley laughed.
"I don't care. Let's go downstairs and get straws."
"Straws Brooke?" Peyton laughed.
"Why not?"
"Okay."
Haley grabbed the ice cream before the three girls left the room and went down to the kitchen.
"You know, maybe we should go to the cemetery," Peyton suggested cautiously.
"I dunno, do you think she's ready for that?" Haley asked as she put the ice cream in the freezer and wiped the counter off. Brooke was in the bathroom washing her face of the many tears she had shed so far in the day.
"You don't think who's ready for what?" Brooke asked as she walked back into the kitchen.
"Uh we were just talking about going for a walk," Haley stammered.
"Really? Where to or is that a secret?"
"Peyton suggested the cemetery. But we don't have to if you're not ready for that."
"You know what? I think I might be."
"Really?" Peyton asked.
"It's worth a try."
"Okay, come on. Let's go," Haley said.
The three girls stood up and left the house. Brooke was in the middle with Haley and Peyton on either side. They linked their arms as they walked toward the cemetery. Brooke was surprised to see that it was dark out. Lately time wasn't something she a concept of. Every second that passed was another second without Lucas and that was all she could tell anyone. They walked silently down the road each one thinking to themselves.
Brooke slowed down and started pulling back as they got closer to the cemetery. Suddenly she didn't think she was ready. Maybe going to the cemetery was a mistake like going to school had been. Haley and Peyton felt her pull back and gently pushed her forward. They were glad to see that she didn't fight them but instead she kept going. When they reached the edge of the cemetery Brooke dropped her arms from Peyton and Haley's grasps and walked on alone.
"Do you want us to" Peyton and Haley asked together.
"No, I think I need to do this myself," Brooke insisted as she kept going. They nodded as they watched Brooke walk toward the grave.
Brooke scanned the names on the headstones as she passed each one. She looked around until her eyes fell on the one she was looking for but wished wasn't there. There in front of her was a slab of concrete announcing to the world that Lucas Eugene Scott was dead. Dead and never coming back. Brooke fell to her knees in front of his grave and sobbed.
"Lucas I need you so much. I can't do this without you. It's too hard. You are my life, you mean the world to me. Without you I feel like I have no reason to keep going. I love you. Do you hear me? I love you!" Brooke cried.
Haley and Peyton watched her fall apart from a distance. Their hearts broke for her as the sobs grew louder and she started pounding on the headstone.
"All my dreams of marrying you and being your wife and the mother to your children are gone. Why did you have to be taken from me? Lucas I can't do this. Please come back to me. I need you. I really can't do this without you. Nobody makes me feel the way you did. Nobody. Not Peyton or Haley or Nathan or Mouth. Please, don't make me go on without you. I can't do it. Damn it!" Brooke screamed as she continued to pound the stone.
"Ok, come on. We have to go over there and stop her before she hurts herself," Haley said as she moved to step toward Brooke.
"No, Hales. I know this is hard to watch but it's good that she's getting her emotions out. Let her go. I don't even know if she remembers we came down here with her," Peyton said as she grabbed Haley and pulled her back.
"How can you stand here and watch this without wanting to cry? I don't care if you stand here but I'm going over there."
"Haley don't. It's ok. She needs to do this."
Haley ignored Peyton as she walked toward Brooke who was still sobbing as she sat on the ground. Carefully Haley sat next to Brooke and pulled her into a hug. Brooke felt Haley wrap her arms around her and let her head fall on her shoulder as she continued to sob.
"I'm sorry we suggested this," Haley whispered.
"No it's ok. I'm glad you did," Brooke managed to reply.
"You are? Brooke I've never seen anyone beat the crap out of an inanimate object the way you just did to this gravestone."
"I did go kinda crazy huh?"
"Oh ya. But if it made you feel better then I'm glad."
"It didn't. I just had so much frustration built up inside that I don't know what came over me."
"Let me tell you then. You're in love with Lucas and you're mad at Jimmy for what he did."
Brooke thought about yelling at Haley to let her know she didn't want someone else to tell her how she felt or what had come over her. That wasn't gonna make things any better.
"Oh gosh, Brooke, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound like I know what you're feeling and why you did that. Please, don't be mad at me," Haley apologized.
"I'm not mad," Brooke said.
Haley breathed a sigh of relief as they sat there. Peyton looked on from the edge of the cemetery before she decided to join them. Things had seemed like they were calmer so maybe a third person would be a welcomed change for Brooke and Haley.
"Hey mind if I join you?" Peyton asked as she sat next to Brooke.
"Of course not. Come on over," Brooke answered.
Life without Lucas was tough but Brooke was beginning to wonder if maybe it was possible to get through it. He wouldn't want her to be miserable and if Brooke knew Lucas, which she did, having Peyton and Haley with her was his work too somehow. The three girls sat there and talked, as if they were talking to Lucas. They took turns telling him what had been happening at school; well Peyton and Haley did at least. Brooke told him that she thought maybe she'd try going back to school again the next day because she thought he would want that for her. Peyton and Haley looked at each other and smiled when Brooke said that.
"Come on, let's go. It's getting late," Peyton said.
"You guys go ahead. I'm gonna stick around here for a little while longer," Brooke insisted.
"Are you sure? Cause I can stay if you want me to," Haley said.
"No, no. Go. Both of you. I'm sure Nathan needs you and Peyton, you've been so good to me today but I really think I'm okay."
"All right. Don't forget, call if you need"
"Anything, I know. I got it. Thanks. Now if you don't mind. I'd like to be alone now," Brooke cut them off.
Haley and Peyton each hugged Brooke before getting up to leave her alone for a while. Brooke sat there and just stared at the grave. She was okay, wasn't she? Could she really handle being here, in front of Lucas' grave alone without Haley or Peyton a few feet away? Well it was too late for that now, she had told them to go.
"Lucas, there is so much I wanna tell you. Most of it you know because you know me so well. You will always have a special place in my heart, from now until my dying day. My heart belongs to you and you alone, Lucas Scott. I love you. I promise to come back more often. Good-bye, I miss you," Brooke said after she composed herself. She was just standing to leave when she heard a noise behind her. She turned around and saw Nathan standing there staring at her.
"Oh hi, Nate. What are you doing out here so late?" Brooke asked curiously.
"Came to talk to Luke. I didn't know anyone else was here. I'll come back," Nathan replied as he started walking away.
"No it's ok. I was just heading home anyway. You should have some time to talk to Luke. You deserve it."
"Thanks."
Brooke started to walk away but Nathan pulled her back and hugged her tightly.
"We'll get through this," Nathan whispered in her ear.
Brooke nodded as she released herself from Nathan's embrace and made her way home in the dark. Nathan sat down in front of the grave and watched Brooke walk away until he couldn't see her anymore.
"Hey Luke, it's Nate. I haven't been by since well you know, the other day. And I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I miss you. I saw your mom and Keith today. They're both still a wreck. We all are but you what? Keith's right, maybe this will get easier. If we just all remember to carry a piece of you in our hearts everywhere we go. Hales and I are thinking about colleges. She wants to go to Stanford still and you know I wanna go to Duke but I'm not so sure if I can leave Tree Hill right now. Maybe I'll go to UNC or NC State. I dunno though. It's all up in the air. I guess I should talk to Hales about this too because it will affect her too. Well I just wanted to catch you up on things. I'll be back. Love you bro," Nathan said as he kissed his hand and slapped the headstone.
Nathan stood up and brushed himself off before he jogged out of the cemetery toward his apartment. He ran right past the café and noticed it was still open. He was about to keep going when he thought he saw Brooke sitting on a stool at the counter. Maybe things were looking up, Brooke was starting to come around. He took a step toward the door but changed his mind. She needed to have some time to talk to Karen alone without him popping up everywhere she was. If the situation was reversed, Nathan would be annoyed if Brooke kept showing up in places he was at.
Meanwhile in the café Brooke was picking at a grilled cheese sandwich and only taking smalls sips from her hot chocolate. Karen watched her from the other side of the counter and her heart broke just looking at her.
"Karen, do you think it will ever not hurt to miss Luke?" Brooke asked.
"I really don't know. It'll probably always hurt but I think with time you'll be all right," Karen replied.
"What about you? Are you gonna be all right? I mean, yes I love your son but that's just it. Lucas is your son. You raised him and I just can't imagine what it must feel like for you knowing how I feel about it."
"I think I will. You know, Lucas was lucky to have you."
"No he wasn't. I was lucky to have him. He helped me see things from a whole different light. I don't think I would have this outlook if it weren't for Lucas' influence on me. He helped me realize I want to be more than just the drunken, slutty captain of the cheerleading squad."
"And he would still want you to be more than that now. You will be, I know it. There's no way you're gonna fall back into your old ways. As long as you keep Lucas in your heart he will be with you everywhere you go."
"Thanks Karen. It's nice to have a conversation with someone that doesn't include the words "I'm sorry" or "I'm here for you" or "it gets easier". I feel much better. Thanks for the food it was great, as always."
"You're welcome. Don't be a stranger. I'm still around."
"I won't."
Brooke dropped her money on the counter and then she turned to leave the café. She smiled to herself as she kept walking. For a day that had started out so rough Brooke thought it was ending pretty well. She unlocked the door and made her way up to her bedroom. She scanned the room for her journal and a pen. When she spotted them she sat on her bed and opened it to a clean page.