Brooke woke up the next morning with a stiff neck. It was a small price she paid for falling asleep on the couch. And now she knew exactly why she didn't make a habit of sleeping there, she woke up in pain. But nothing could ever match the pain she felt after losing Lucas. That was the worst pain she had ever known in all her life. There was nothing anyone could say or do to make her pain go away. Unless they found a way to bring Lucas back to her and Brooke knew that was impossible.
"I don't wanna live like this. I can't do this. Not without my rock and Lucas you are my rock. Without you here I don't know, I don't think I can go on anymore. I'll be with you again someday. It's too much being here without you," Brooke cried.
She slowly rose to her feet and walked down the hall into the bathroom. It was already 11:15 so Brooke wasn't gonna bother trying to make it to school for the afternoon classes. Honestly, she didn't feel like seeing anyone and if she went to school, everyone would be all over her. They'd all want to know why she was late and then they'd ask what she thought about Lucas' number being retired last night. No, Brooke didn't want to deal with that today. In fact, she didn't want to deal with anything today and she wasn't going to.
Brooke walked out of the bathroom and headed straight for the liquor cabinet. There had to be something in there to numb the pain. At least for a little while. She was desperate not to feel anything and alcohol seemed like a good way out of feeling. Frantically, Brooke tore through the countless bottles of wine and gin until she came across what she had been looking for, vodka. Smiling contentedly Brooke twisted the cap off the bottle and placed it against her lips. Tilting her head back Brooke felt the alcohol touch her throat and then she felt the burn as it traveled through her system. Half an hour later, Brooke was opening a second bottle of vodka. She wasn't worrying about how much she was drinking. All she wanted was to forget about the pain she was in and right now she felt like she was on top of the world.
While Brooke was drinking away her pain at home, the rest of the gang sat around the courtyard wondering where she was. Peyton and Haley told Nathan, Rachel and Mouth what had happened the night before and they were all stunned into silence. Nathan had also told the group about his visit and the fight he had gotten into with Brooke.
"I can't believe I screamed at her like that. Like she was wrong to be upset about what I did. Even more than that, I freaked out at her because she misses Luke. I was such an asshole. I'll never forgive myself if she does anything to hurt herself," Nathan said somberly.
"Nathan, you can't blame yourself. If Brooke hurts herself it's not your fault. You made a mistake but you owned up to it. You apologized. So what you screamed at her too, but she screamed back. Don't beat yourself up over this. She probably won't even remember that she fought with you anyway," Rachel said.
"She's right Nate, you can't beat yourself up. You only did what you thought was best for Brooke last night. It's not your fault you didn't look at it from her point of view. Nobody else could possibly know what Brooke would have felt and you just wanted to make sure she was there because it would have broken her heart to miss it. It's ok, it's over. She was there and that's all that matters in the end," Peyton said.
"I know but you didn't see the look on her face when she yelled at me. It was like looking at a shattered mirror. If I hadn't been such an ass I would have seen what my being there was doing to her. I don't think I can be around her right now. It's making her hurt more. The more she sees me, the more she's gonna think that Luke's gone and I don't wanna make her hurt anymore than she already is. I want to help her, I really do. But I don't know how to help her without upsetting her," Nathan spoke up again.
"Nathan, if you stay away from Brooke, that will hurt her too. Avoiding her isn't gonna make her miss Lucas any less or take away any of the pain. We all need to stand by her and help her through this. If we can show her that she can go on without Lucas, then that's what we have to focus on," Mouth said.
"What if she doesn't understand?" Peyton asked.
"Then we'll have to figure something else out. Brooke needs to know that we're here for her no matter what. If we give up on her now, she really will find a way out. We have to make her believe that it's gonna be ok and that missing Lucas isn't a bad thing but there's more to life then that."
"How are we supposed to do all that?" Haley asked.
"I'm not sure. But to start with, we've gotta be patient with her Hales. If Brooke sees that we're being patient maybe she'll come around."
"What if she doesn't come around? What then?"
"Haley, we gotta stay positive. If we don't then Brooke will see right through us and we'll be back at square one. Losing her boyfriend is hard enough but she's also living with the fact that she watched him die and not only that, but he died in her arms. So it's only natural that her pain is as deep as it seems to be. She's gonna have her good days and bad days. All we can do is be here for when she hits a low point. We have to keep her in good spirits as best we can at all times," Rachel said.
"I know. I just can't help but think if we push too hard, she might snap and we'll lose her too. Just like we lost Lucas. And I don't want that to happen. We can't let that happen."
"It's not gonna happen Hales. We're not gonna lose Brooke. She's gonna be fine. We just have to be patient and hope that she'll see that she does have a life waiting ahead of her," Nathan said as he held onto his wife.
Haley pushed Nathan off of her and rose to her feet. She was walking away from the school. It was time to stop talking about helping Brooke and time to start putting those words into action. Haley wasn't waiting for the day to be over before getting started. As soon as she was in the parking lot, Haley sprinted over to her car and jumped in. Everyone else sat there and stared as they watched her speed down the road away from the school and in the direction of Brooke's house.
Ten minutes later, Haley was pulling into Brooke's driveway. She was relieved to see that Brooke's car was there so that meant she was home. She ran up to the door and knocked. There was no answer. Haley twisted the doorknob and was glad that it was open. She pushed the door open and walked into the house. It was silent with the exception of the tv Haley could hear going in the living room with the volume turned down low. Carefully Haley closed the door behind her and made her way into the living room. The site that fell before her eyes broke Haley's heart. Brooke was curled up in tiny ball, gripping a bottle of vodka tightly with two empty ones on the floor next to the couch along with a carton of ice cream that was tipped over. She rushed over to the couch and gently tried to take the vodka away from Brooke only to have her pull back.
" Brooke, please. Let go. This isn't good for you. Come on," Haley begged.
"No, can't go on. Must be with Luke now. Nothing left for me. He's all I need," Brooke cried brokenly between hiccups.
"Brooke, come on. Sit up. Let's talk."
"No. Don't wanna talk. Just want Luke."
Haley sat down on the couch next to Brooke. She leaned over and wrapped her arms around the broken girl's frame. Brooke tried to squirm out of Haley's embrace but it was no use, the more she tried to break free, the tighter Haley hugged her.
"I know you want Luke. But he's gone. You have to focus on what you do have. Please, Brooke. Don't do this to yourself," Haley whispered in her ear.
"What I have? I don't have anything. Lucas was my everything. Without him there's no reason for me to be here anymore. It's too hard. I can't look at anyone without seeing his face or hearing his laugh. I miss those things. I miss all of him. All I want is to see Lucas again. I don't want to live without him. I don't feel like I am living. I'm just going through the motions. That's not living. I stopped living the minute Lucas died. And I'll never start again because he's never coming back. All because of Jimmy. He had to kill Lucas. Why? That's not fair! It should have been me, I antagonized him. Oh god. It's my fault, this whole thing. I made him shoot Lucas. I did this. I killed him. Luke I'm so sorry baby! Please, forgive me. I didn't mean to upset Jimmy. I didn't mean for him to kill you. Oh god," Brooke sobbed.
"Brooke, no. None of this was your fault. Don't say that. You couldn't have known Jimmy was gonna show up to school with a gun that day. You didn't make him do anything. He made himself shoot Luke. You are not responsible for Lucas being dead."
"Then why do I feel like I am? Why does it feel like this whole damn thing was my fault? Why? Tell me Haley because I want to know!"
"I can't tell you. I don't know why you feel this way. If I did I would tell you but I can't. I'm sorry. Lucas doesn't blame you and neither does anyone else. The only person there is to blame is Jimmy and that's who everyone is blaming. Not one person blames you because you didn't do anything wrong. You only tried to save his life."
"But I failed. I failed him when he needed me the most. He needed me to save him and I couldn't do it. Why couldn't I save him? Why? I could have saved him and I let him down. Oh god, you must hate me. I let your best friend die. Haley, I'm so sorry."
"Brooke, stop it. You didn't fail. You tried your best to save him but it wasn't meant to happen. And don't for one second think that I hate you because Lucas is dead. I could never hate you for that. I already told you, you didn't kill him so why should I hate you? I have no reason to."
"My best? No, I don't think I tried my best. If I had, Luke wouldn't have even been shot. This whole mess is my fault. All of it. I don't deserve to go on."
"Damn it Brooke. That's not true. I don't know what else to say to make you believe that you're not to blame and you have so much to look forward to in life. Why can't you just believe that?"
Brooke didn't say anything. She couldn't. Sobs had taken over her again, making her entire body shake violently. Haley felt tears well up in her own eyes as she watched Brooke breakdown again. Maybe coming over to talk to Brooke hadn't been the smartest idea but Haley was glad she was here anyway. Ten minutes went by before Brooke's sobs had slowed down. Haley was grateful that she was calming down. Another five minutes past and Brooke was asleep on the couch. Haley threw a blanket over friend's sleeping form and then set out to clean up the mess in the living room. As soon as Haley was done cleaning the door opened and Peyton and Rachel walked in the house.
"Where is she?" Peyton asked.
"Sleeping, on the couch," Haley replied.
Peyton ran into the living room and sat on the couch next to Brooke. Rachel stayed back to talk to Haley. She could see something wasn't right just looking at her and Rachel wanted to know what it was.
"Haley, what's wrong?" she asked.
"I found her gripping a bottle of vodka when I came in with two empty ones on the floor. She thinks it's her fault Jimmy killed Lucas. I don't know what to do anymore Rachel. She really believes that she has no reason and no right to live anymore. We have to do something for her before she does something to herself. I'll never forgive myself if we can't reach her," Haley replied as tears fell from her eyes once again.
"We'll help her, Haley. Even if she doesn't want our help. Just being here, that's a help to Brooke whether she knows it or not. If no one cared about her then the three of us wouldn't be here with her right now. She knows we care and she knows we want to help her. But right now she doesn't feel like she's deserving of that help. We just have to stay strong and remember that we're all in this together. We all have to get through this, we all miss Luke. It's gonna be tough but we'll get through to her and she'll realize that she can do this without him."
Meanwhile in the living room, Peyton held Brooke as she cried the hardest she had in the past month. Peyton watched in gut wrenching silence, desperately wishing there was something she could do for Brooke but the reality of it all was that there wasn't anything Peyton could do except what she was already doing.
"Brooke, I wish I could take away your pain for you. I would give anything to see you happy again. If I could I switch places with you right now. Anything if it meant you weren't falling apart and slipping away. But I don't know how to fix this or what to say. Everything I think of sounds lame and stupid so I don't bother saying it out loud. Nothing would be as good to you as having Luke back, I know that but you have to know that it's not gonna happen. Although if he could, I'm sure Lucas would come back to make you stop hurting because even though he's gone, he's watching you and I know it's gotta be tearing him apart to see you this way. It's certainly tearing me apart and I want nothing more than to help you but I don't know how because I don't know how to give you want you need or how to say what needs to be said without making you cry or miss Luke more than you do, if that's even possible. I'm not even sure that what I'm saying now is gonna help you. But I have to try because if I don't try then you'll think I don't care about you and that's not true. Brooke, I love you. And I don't think I could love you more if we were sisters by blood. Maybe that's not what you need to hear right now but I need you to know that. I'm always gonna be here for you. No matter what's going on," Peyton said as she ran her hands through Brooke's hair which lay spread out in her lap.
It was breaking Peyton's heart to watch Brooke fall apart. The Brooke Davis she had grown up never would have fallen apart like this. Sure she would have cried and been upset but it would have never gotten this bad. The Brooke Davis that Peyton had grown up with didn't let the loss of a boyfriend destroy her but Lucas Scott wasn't the typical Brooke Davis guy. She had fallen head over heels butterflies in the stomach in love with him and now he was gone. He had changed her in so many ways but Peyton knew that Brooke was still the same girl she had grown up with and loved dearly. Nothing could take that away, not even Lucas' death. At least Peyton hoped that this wouldn't take away the Brooke Davis she loved. Because if it did, more than anything, that would shatter Peyton's heart to know she had truly lost her best friend. Maybe not in the same way Brooke lost Lucas or Haley lost Lucas but it would feel remarkably similar to Peyton because if Brooke became a different person then she wasn't sure how she would ever be able to handle that.
"I'm not giving up on you Brookie," Peyton whispered in Brooke's ear.
"Don't waste your time on me. I'm not gonna be around much longer anyway," Brooke muttered.
"Stop that. Please, don't talk like that. I can't listen to it. You don't know how much it hurts to hear you like this."
"You think I like this feeling? You think I like the fact that I have extreme highs and extreme lows every damn day? Do you have any clue what it feels like to be lost when you know there are at least five other people who care enough to help me? Do you Peyton? No, I don't think you do. You couldn't possibly. You have no idea what's it like to be so in love and then have it all ripped away by a single gun shot. No, you couldn't possibly understand the way I feel or how much it terrifies me that I feel the way I do. I don't even feel like a human being most of the time. At least not the kind of human being I used to be. Life doesn't hold the same appeal it once did for me and it never will again. That all went out the window when Lucas breathed his last breath. And I fall a little further from reality every time I think about the future we'll never have together but I can't help but think about it because it's my only link to Lucas outside of the past. Every day I cry, I beg Lucas to come back to me or take me away from this misery because I can't do this without him anymore. Everything makes me miss him. Everything makes me want to be in his arms again, back at the River Court watching him play ball or just sitting at the café talking. I want it all back but I can never have any of that again. And that hurts. More than I can describe to you, more than I can describe to myself. Maybe I just need to get away from Tree Hill. Away from everything that reminds me of Lucas but I'm afraid to leave because I'm afraid if I do, I'll forget about Lucas and I'll move on and it won't hurt to miss him anymore or breath without him."
"You have to let go of the pain some time."
"No. I don't want to let it go because I don't want to even be there but it is and I can't change that. I'm afraid to give my heart to someone else someday because if something like this happens again I won't live through it. I'm barely living through this now."
By now Haley and Rachel had joined them in the living room. They were sitting on the floor in front of the couch. Each one of them completely silent as Brooke kept going, both of them desperate to say something but not knowing what to say. Brooke had no surpassed any emotion Rachel ever remembered going through all the times she lost a boyfriend before coming to Tree Hill so even she was helpless now. And that didn't sit well with her, she wanted so much to help Brooke get through this but she knew that no amount of words would do anything.
"Brooke, running from Tree Hill won't fix anything," Rachel said cautiously.
"How do you know that?" Brooke asked defiantly.
"Because I've been in your shoes. I was madly in love with this guy when I lived in Raleigh, we were convinced that we were gonna be together forever but then during the summer before our junior year he was in a really bad car accident and the doctors did everything they could to try and save him. He ended up in a coma and about two weeks after the fact, his parents called to tell me that he was gone. I completely flipped out. I locked myself in my bedroom for weeks only leaving to pee and occasionally eat something. Then a week before school started I thought about running, anywhere, as long as I wasn't in Raleigh I didn't care where I ended up. I begged my parents to move but they wouldn't do it. I thought I would never love again but then I met this guy at school and we started dating, he was amazing but like every other boyfriend before him, as soon as I thought I was in love, tragedy struck. He died from a drug overdose and again I was a mess, I wanted to leave town. But my parents said no until finally they had no choice and we ended up here in Tree Hill."
"What's your point?"
"My point is, you can't be afraid to love again but running from your pain is the worst possible thing you do to yourself. If you leave you're not just leaving a town that holds painful memories but also some of the best times of your life along with a bunch of friends who love and care about you and who's hearts would break if you left."
"But I'm afraid if I love again I'll be betraying Lucas. I don't wanna do that. I could never do anything to betray him, I could never do anything to betray anyone. I'm not that kind of girl. I never have been and I don't ever wanna be."
"Brooke, you can't betray the dead," Haley said quietly.
"I know that but I'm still so in love with Lucas that even thinking about moving on feels like I'm betraying him. I could never do that. Please, can we not talk about this anymore? It's too much."
Peyton, Haley and Rachel nodded in agreement. They didn't want to do anything to make Brooke anymore upset then she already was. She was already in a rough place and if they kept going along the lines of conversation they were at currently in, they could only imagine it would get uglier by the second.
"Thank you," Brooke said as she tried to stifle a yawn, "If you guys don't mind I think I'm gonna go upstairs and take a nap."
"Go for it. We'll be here when you wake up," Peyton said reassuringly.
"You don't have to stick around. I'll be okay."
"We're staying. Go upstairs."
Brooke rolled her eyes as she got off the couch and made her way up the stairs.
"You'd think she would be getting better as the days go by. But she's getting worse. Something's wrong, I can feel it," Peyton said as soon as she heard Brooke close her bedroom door.
"What do you mean something's wrong? No kidding something's wrong. Luke's dead," Rachel replied.
"I wasn't talking about that Rachel. I know that much. But something else is bothering her. There's something she's not telling anyone, why I'm not sure but I just have this gut feeling and when it comes to my gut feelings and Brooke, I'm hardly ever wrong."
"Well how are we gonna find out what's wrong? It's hard enough talking to her about every day subjects but if someone asks her if something else is wrong she's gonna go ape shit on them. I don't really wanna be the one to incur that wrath," Haley said.
"Nobody's asking Brooke anything. If there's something else going on, she'd let us know. The last thing we need to be doing is sniffing around in her personal life and accusing her of hiding something. What happens if there's nothing going on and she gets so fed up with the questions she holds true to her words and she does something to herself. We have to wait," Rachel said.
"How long?"
"Until we found out what's going on, if there's anything going on. I don't think there is. I think she's just still extremely upset about the shooting. I know I would be if it were me."
"No offense Rachel but when did you become an expert on the feelings and the heart that are Brooke Davis? I think I know her a little better than you do and I'm telling you, something isn't right. And I don't care if I have to do it alone but I'm gonna find out whatever it is," Peyton questioned.
"Peyton, no. What if Rachel's right? Do you really wanna take that chance with Brooke's life possibly hanging in the balance?" Haley objected.
"How could not wanna take that chance Haley? Don't you get it. If we don't do anything and there is something wrong, she could end up dead anyway."
"Then what's the use. We should just wait."
"Stop you two. Arguing about this won't do you a damn bit of good. We're supposed to be helping Brooke, not causing her more grief. Nobody is asking Brooke anything. If there is something wrong and she wants us to know, she can tell us when she's ready and not before that. If either of you has a problem with that, well that's just too bad because it's not up to you to make her talk," Rachel said agitated.
"Fine," Peyton and Haley sighed.
"Good, now let's see if we can't do something nice for Brooke. Like maybe clean up around here a little bit and then maybe order some food. I'm guessing she's gonna be hungry later."
"Ok, but I'm gonna go check on her first," Haley said as she ran up the stairs.
She knocked on the door softly but got no answer. Carefully, she pushed the door open and her eyes grew wide as she looked around at the mess. There were clothes everywhere and no Brooke in sight. Just as Haley was about to go back downstairs she heard a high pitch scream and then glass shattering in Brooke's bathroom. She ran to the door and turned the knob only to find that Brooke had locked it.
"Brooke, it's Haley. What's going on in there?" she called through the door.
"Nothing, go away. I don't want you to see me like this," Brooke replied.
"Like what? Please, open the door."
"No."
"Brooke."
"I'm not opening the door. I'm just gonna die in here."
Haley's eyes grew wider than saucers at Brooke's last words. Frantically she kicked at the door until it flew open. She looked up to see Brooke standing over the tub with a razor in her hand, pressed into the exposed flesh on her forearm.
"Brooke, stop!" Haley cried.
"I'm sorry," Brooke choked out as she pushed the razor deeper into her skin until a line of blood appeared on the surface. Startled by what she had just done, Brooke dropped the razor in the tub and collapsed onto the toilet seat behind her. Haley scampered quickly to be next to Brooke and she wrapped her into a hug while they both cried.
"Don't do this Brooke. Please, I know it's hard but you can live without Luke," Haley said softly.
"No, I don't want to," Brooke sobbed into Haley's shoulder.
"I know, baby, I know. It's okay. You'll be all right, we're not giving up on you."
Brooke continued to cry as Haley held onto her. She really wanted to believe that she was going to be okay and that she could do this without Lucas but the more she tried, the more it hurt. And she was tired of hurting.