WARNING: This chapter contains sex scenes and rememberance of rape.
Chapter III
Carol arrives home exhausted. It is already dark. Typical Yorkshire winter. She sees light in the kitchen and wonders if John came back. She parks in the barn and gets off the car. Suddenly, her foot knocks against something. She feels a lump in her throat when she realises it is the rifle with which she aimed at her husband. She opens the chamber and breathes a sigh of relief. It is not loaded. How could she be so foolish? How could she leave it scattered around with Lisa in the house? Although... her father never had such qualms. Many times he took to shooting at moles, whether he were drunk or not. As a child, Carol used to throw herself on the floor and cover her ears, while he laughed at her. She wonders why she kept the rifle, when they do not need it. None of them goes hunting and neither had his father. Maybe carrying it around made him feel like a man. Carol lowers her head. When she aimed at John, she proved she was truly her father's daughter. She feels furious. By no means does she want to resemble that beast. She holds the rifle with both hands and smashes it against the wall. She beats again and again until it falls from her hands, in pieces. She gives a deep breath and walks towards the house.
When she enters, Lisa is sitting in front of the TV, half asleep. Carol hangs her trench, kneels next to her and kisses he head.
"Did you have your tea?"
Lisa stretches and nods. She rubs her eyes and looks at Carol.
"John didn't want any tea. He says he spent the day at the casualty room."
"I know", Carol interrupts, "Where is he now? Did he go to bed?"
"I heard him getting in the bathtub. I think he's still there."
"Go to bed, Lisa. I'll clearthe kitchen."
Lisa stands up and points to the table.
"I wanted to make a wedding album, but I only had three pictures. I'd thought we could go to a nice park, after the ceremony, to take more, but then Andrew appeared." Lisa frowns. "He spoiled everything."
Carol picks the album and turns the pages.
"There will be other days, Lisa. We will take more pictures."
"Will we?" The child seems sceptical.
"We will. And now go to bed."
While Lisa goes up, Carol sits to see the album. Mmmm. Maybe her child has a future as a photographer. Pity that John and her looked so scared. There is one at the register office's entrance, another in the waiting room... It was the registry officer who took the last one, the three of them together. Neither John nor her look at the camera. They look into one another's eyes, both smiling broadly. Next to them Lisa, with a frown, pretends to be angry. Carol remembers then. It was when the child asked, as a joke, where would the reception take place and John had said:
"At the fish and chips down the corner. You're buying."
Carol and him had chortled. At that moment, without warning, the officer pressed click. How ironic. Anybody seeing the photo would think they were deeply in love.
Carol closes the album and holds her head between her hands. She thinks about John working from dawn to dusk, then sleeping in that uncomfortable couch. Anything to avoid her. She sighs. It was not fair to drag him into her mess. She stands up. There is still stew left in the pot, but she decides she is not hungry. She goes upstairs slowly. There is light in the bathroom. She does not care if John moans. Whatever he says, tonight he will sleep in the bed.
She opens the door and gets taken aback. She smiles coyly. John fell asleep in the bathtub. She looks at him without daring to make the slightest noise. He sleeps so soundly it would be a pity to wake him up. Drops of water slide down his cheek and neck. Carol's gaze glides down her husband's body. His pale chest seems chiselled in marble. Carol lowers her eyes towards his belly button, towards his thick pubic hair... She stops her gaze on his penis. She cannot say she enjoyed her wedding night, but she was surprised about how delicately he penetrated her, how silky his touch was. She remembers him hugging her, him looking into her eyes. The other times it had not been like that. Those times when her father had came into that very room, totally wasted. He never said anything; he did not even look at her. He just jumped on top of her and moved like a hammer nailing her to the bed. Carol was ten years old the first time he had done it. Suddenly, she shivers. She hugs her shoulders, on the verge of crying. John wakes up and stares at her, stunned.
"Carol?"
He attempts to stand, but she raises her palm, motioning him to stop. She grabs the sides of her pullover and starts taking it off. John barely dares to breathe while she gets naked. He is scared, because at that moment he wants her more than ever. Carol takes off her knickers and gets inside the bathtub. If there was almost no space for John's long legs, there is even less for both of them. The water starts to spill out, flooding the floor. Carol smiles, remembering that night on the back of her landrover. It seems they always meet in reduced spaces. She rests her head between John's neck and his left shoulder. Her husband's heart beats as if it were going to explode. Maybe instinctively, he surrounds her waist with his arms.
"You scared me to death today", Carol starts talking.
"Bah, it was nothing! That lady from the bank, who insisted I went to hospital."
"Nelly doesn't think the same... Ralphie."
John groans, realising he has been caught. He turns his face to the other side, unable to face her. Carol caresses his scar with her fingertips.
"I met her today at hospital, when I went looking for you", she goes on. "She's lovely. She told me about your family... and the accident."
Sadness clouds John's eyes.
"Why did you never tell me?", Carol asks.
"I never had the chance, with everything that was going on."
Carol caresses his cheek with her thumb.
"You once told me never to think I couldn't tell you things. Never think you can't tell things to me."
She kisses his chest gently, to encourage him to speak. John gives a deep breath and holds her tighter.
"Do you remember that ruined farmhouse, in the moor? The one where you and...", it costs him to say the name, "Andrew met?"
Carol nods her head.
"It belonged to my mum's uncle. He had a stroke and spent the last years of his life in a home. My parents visited him often. When he died, we found out he had left us the property and the little money he had. My parents had always wanted their own farm, like me. They knew that the place needed a lot of repairs, that it would take them a long time, but they didn't care. At that time, my dad worked as a brickie. We went there on weekends, with his workmates, to build our house. I was just a kid, but helped them to carry bricks. The day of the accident was a Sunday. We were returning home. It had been a cloudy day, but the rain started all of a sudden. I remember nothing. I fell asleep as soon as I sat on the car. When I woke up, I was in hospital. They told me I had slept for a whole week, and my little sister and my parents...", he bits his lower lip, trying not to cry. "They had asked for a loan, so the bank took the property. My granddad brought me up."
Carol sits up a little, searching for his gaze, but he refuses to look at her. Suddenly, the pendant she is wearing brushes his chest. John realises it is his mother's, the same one he had wanted to give her that Christmas. He holds it between his fingers and smiles at Carol for the first time.
"I've worn it since the wedding", she confesses, "Didn't you notice?"
"It's not very valuable, but that Christmas I had no money to buy you anything."
Carol holds the pendant.
"It's priceless to me. I adored it from the moment I saw it, but I felt so bad... You were giving me your heart, without realising I had treated you infernally."
"I don't care."
"I do care. I care about you."
John looks at her in disbelief.
"How was the funeral?"
Carol realises then.
"I didn't go."
"What?"
"I was about to leave when the bank phoned. I went to look for you atthe hospitals. I totally forgot."
"I'm sorry, Carol. Well, I suppose you can take him flowers any time."
"I don't want to."
"It's OK. I won't feel bad if you do."
"It's not because of you. I simply don't want to."
John raises an eyebrow. Carol goes on, feeling a great weight lifting from her shoulders.
"On our wedding day, Andrew lied."
"What do you mean? Is Lisa not your daughter?"
"Yes, she is. But not his."
"I don't understand. Then?"
"I never made love with Andrew. Not with anybody before you. Lisa...Promise me you won't tell her."
John nods, more and more intrigued.
"Since I was a child, my parents spent the nights drinking and quarrelling. I used to put a pillow on top of my head, so I wouldn't hear them. I prayed for my mother not to pass out on the couch, because when she did, my father came to my room."
John looks at her horrified.
"My mother never knew the truth, not even when I fell pregnant. Or maybe she chose not to know. Andrew didn't know either till many years later. We had decided to get married, and he found out the night before the wedding. He never turned up at the register."
John tries not to show, but it is obvious he is boiling with rage. He holds Carol tighter and tighter.
"When Andrew said Lisa was his daughter, at first I thought he did it for her, to save her the trauma. I later realised he only did it to upset you. To leave clear he had me first. As if I were his property."
Tears are running down Carol's cheeks, getting John's chest wet. His mouth makes a perfect straight line. His eyes are full of hate. Carol has never seen him so angry.
"All those times I had your father within my reach... That stinky beast! If I had known, I would have slit his throat, like a lamb. Or maybe it would be better to smash his brains with a stone. He was always drunk. It would be easy to make it look like an accident."
John's outburst amazes and pleases Carol. Her husband never looked more adorable to her than at that moment. She bursts out laughing. He looks at her puzzled.
"You think I wouldn't have the guts." John feels hurt.
"No, on the contrary. You would. But I know you well, John Standring", she holds his face in her hands, "You wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. Your next move would be going to the police station to give yourself up. And now you would be rotting in jail, instead of being here with me."
She leans to kiss his lips, but John grabs her by the shoulders.
"Did I hurt you?"
"What do you mean? When?"
"During our wedding night. Did I hurt you?"
Carol sighs and shakes her head.
"No. I was never afraid when I was with you."
She feels then that something changes forever inside her, although she cannot explain what it is. John says nothing. He caresses her cheek, all the sadness of the world in his eyes. Carol leans again. This time he does not try to stop her. Her half-open lips devour John's mouth. Her hair tickles his chest. John slides his hands down her back, while he gives back her kisses with a passion too long repressed. Suddenly, both slip and the water pours out of the bathtub, making a noisy splash. They laugh.
"Maybe we should go to a more comfortable place", she suggests.
"Maybe we should."
Carol gets out of the bathtub in a hurry. She stops by the door, on time to see John sliding down. The floor is so wet that he is forced to crawl in order not to fall flat on his nose. Carol bursts into laughter and runs away. John catches her halfway down the corridor. He holds her in his arms and rests her against the wall. Carol puts her legs around his hips. She bits her lower lip when she notices his growing erection. John kisses her breasts. Carol places her arms around his neck and whispers in his ear.
"We're going to wake up Lisa."
The thought of the little one finding them naked there makes John go red. He holds Carol tighter and walks with her in his arms towards the bedroom. He places her gently on top of the bed and turns to lock the door.
"Please, don't switch off the light", she asks.
"As you wish."
John smiles tenderly. He stands next to the door, suddenly shy. Carol opens the bedside table drawer and gets a condom. She opens the bag.
"Come here."
She slides the condom on his erect member and lies back on the bed. She feels comforted when John wraps her with his body. When she feels him inside her, Carol closes her eyes and abandons herself to him. She does not want to think about anything... while the night lasts.
xxxxxxxxxxx
Carol wakes up suddenly. The brightness makes her aware that the day has dawned. She stretches like a kitten, without any wish to get up. The sheets are still wet. She smiles ashamed and extends her left arm. The other side of the bed is empty. John, naughty boy, where did you go?, she thinks to herself. She then realises that Lisa is at the bedroom door, frowning and with her arms folded. Carol covers herself with the sheets.
"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty." The child's tone is ironic. "Are you planning to get up or is it still too early?"
Carol rubs her eyes.
"What time is it?"
"Nine."
"Nine?". Carol sits up and looks desperately for something to wear. She finally finds one of John's shirts on the floor.
"Why are you not in school?"
Lisa smiles mischievously.
"I don't know. Maybe because it's Saturday?"
Carol finishes buttoning the shirt.
"If I were you, I wouldn't go to the bathroom", Lisa goes on, "It's completely flooded."
"Yes, I know. A pipe burst. John and I were trying to mend it."
"Ah, that's what they call it these days!", Lisa laughs.
Carol gives her a murderous look.
"Where's John? In the kitchen?"
"John left", Lisa says.
"What?" Carol cannot believe it.
"A while ago. The noise woke me up. I looked through the window and I saw him getting into a cab." The child's face becomes frightened. "He's coming back, isn't he?"
Carol sits on the bed and takes a deep breath. She's wondering the same, but she does not want to scare Lisa. She pretends nothing happens.
"Of course he's coming back, you fool. He just went to pick his car."
Lisa breathes a sigh of relief. Carol pulls her hair back.
"Would you make me a tea, Lisa? I'll be down as soon as I get dressed."
The child nods and leaves the room. Carol places her hands on her temples, trying to think clearly. He just went to pick his car. That is the most logical explanation. She goes to the wardrobe and opens the door. She is sure John kept a rucksack there, but she cannot find it. Many of his clothes have also disappeared. Carol grabs the wardrobe door, feeling she is going to fall down. It happened. John abandoned her. And she is the only one to blame.
TO BE CONTINUED