Warnings: Unfunny jokes, innuendo. As the title implies, there is some alligator hunting violence.
Disclaimer: I don't own the first few jokes, or Kyo kara Maou.
Thanks to ShinyShimaron for beta-reading this chapter!
Chapter 2: Yozak Wrestles an Alligator
After leaving Blood Pledge Castle far behind, Conrad and Yozak headed towards Dai Shimaron. Since the border had been closed, they would have to take a lesser known path through a dense swamp. Conrad was still wearing his brown military uniform as he did not want to attract too much attention before leaving Shin Makoku.
As they rode their horses over rolling hills that gradually gave way to muddy streams and thick underbrush, Conrad passed the time by teaching Yozak how to be a superhero. Conrad decided that Yozak's first lesson in the way of the superhero would be the teaching of the awesome superhero joke. Puns were harder to master and would be saved for a later day. Conrad had read a joke book at José's once, and had found that Earth jokes were easy to learn.
"What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?" Conrad asked.
"I don't know, what time is it?" Yozak asked, not sounding very enthusiastic.
"Time to build a new fence!" Conrad answered.
"Well, that was pretty obvious, how could I ever have missed that one?" Yozak asked in a tone that sounded alarmingly close to sarcasm.
Conrad narrowed his eyes at Yozak. Such heresy would not be permitted. "What is yellow and goes 'click-click'?"
"A yellow elephant?" Yozak guessed.
"No," Conrad said with a slight frown. Couldn't Yozak tell he had finished with the elephant jokes and had moved on to banana jokes? "A ballpoint banana!"
"What's a ballpoint banana?"
"It's kind of hard to explain if you haven't been to Earth," Conrad said. "What is yellow and goes swoosh?"
Yozak didn't even bother trying to guess.
"A flying banana!" Conrad said with a laugh.
They continued on in silence as the ground started to become softer under their horses' hooves.
"What is blue and goes swoosh?" Conrad asked.
"The Blue Wind?" Yozak guessed.
"Right! I came up with that last one myself," Conrad said proudly. "But you only got one right so far. You need to work on your sense of humor, Yozak."
"I don't think I could ever tell jokes like you do, Captain." Yozak said.
"I guess it's an art," Conrad mused. They rode on in silence for a few moments. "Do you think Yuuri would like the Blue Wind joke?"
Yozak just laughed.
"Hey, I just thought of another one," Conrad said. "What's orange and goes swoosh?"
"What?" Yozak asked.
"The Blue Wind's sidekick when he gets thrown off a cliff!"
Yozak seemed to get kind of grumpy after that last joke. Conrad couldn't imagine why.
~o~
Herman III and Marie were good little children who lived in the vast swamp that spread between the borders of Shin Makoku, Sho Shimaron, and Dai Shimaron. Their father Herman II worked for a reforestation company in Sho Shimaron, which meant that he spent most of his time cutting down trees. Sometimes he planted trees too, so that his bosses could get something called a government subsidy that they used to buy elaborate clothing so they could suck up to King Saralegui, and get even more subsidies. Since Herman II did most of the actual work for the company, he was paid a salary with which he could barely afford to feed his family. Still, Herman II, his wife Dagna, their children Herman III and Marie, and the rest of their extended family were happy. And that's what really mattered.
Today Herman III and his sister Marie were out in a densely forested part of the swamp, catching some crawfish for their family like the good little children that they were.
They brought up their makeshift net with a swoosh of cloth and dripping water.
"Look Marie, we caught a big one this time!" Herman III exclaimed. Then he picked the crawfish up by its midsection, and gingerly avoided the flailing claws as he placed it in their sack.
Marie squealed in delight and picked up a few smaller crawfish that had been caught in their net.
As they prepared to pass their net through the murky waters once more, Marie paused. "Herman, I think I just saw something move over by that log," she said.
Herman III craned his neck to see what Marie was talking about. He saw some bubbles on the water surface, but they were much closer than the area that Marie had pointed out.
"I think it's just a snapping turtle, Marie," Herman III said.
But before Herman III and Marie could ready their net for another pass through the stagnant waters, an enormous mouth rose from the depths of the swamp. The beast opened its long jaws, and the children could see the jagged, glistening teeth belonging to the largest alligator they had ever seen in their entire life. The children turned with a scream and ran towards a patch of higher ground, even though they knew they would never be able to outrun the deceptively swift beast.
But just when Herman III thought that his young life was about to end, there was a flash of orange hair, and an enormous bicep curled around the alligator's neck. A beefy hand clamped the fearsome mouth shut, and muscular thighs and calves wrapped around the creature's belly.
The children stared in awe for a moment, as never before had they witnessed any person challenge such an oversized reptile. The beast moved its short powerful legs in an attempt to roll free or crush its captor, but was no match for the enormous muscles that held it in place.
Herman III and Marie started edging away to find an adult to help, as they were children and did not know what to do in this type of situation.
Yozak grunted with the strain of immobilizing the alligator. His hand nearly slipped, and he let go of the alligator's snout for a moment in order to reposition his hand.
"A little help here, captain?"
Conrad stepped forward and dramatically put one foot on the alligator's snout. He paused dramatically for a few seconds in this heroic pose as a slight breeze ruffled his hair. Then he reached for his sword.
And it was said, in the deep far reaches of the murkiest swamp, that the Blue Wind, under the guise of a traveling swordsman, did unsheathe his brilliant blade. The sun glinted off tempered steel as the heroic swordsman lifted up his sword. And with one blow, the Blue Wind did smite the ferocious beast single-handedly.
"Alligators have a weak spot right behind their head," Conrad explained as he withdrew his sword and carefully wiped off the alligator blood.
"That's nice to know," Yozak said as he untangled himself from the dead alligator, stood up and brushed some of the mud off of his tunic. "It would have been even nicer if you had been faster to help."
"I was letting you practice," Conrad explained. "Really Yozak, you might be losing your touch. That alligator almost slipped away."
Conrad could have sworn that he saw Yozak scowling at him out of the corner of his eye. He frowned. After all he had done to help his friend learn the way of the superhero, how could Yozak be so ungrateful?
~o~
Conrad turned to look where they had left the horses. Fortunately they were still there. "Yozak, I think-"
Suddenly, with an alligator-like swiftness, Yozak's giant biceps slipped under Conrad's arms, tilting him back against Yozak's bulging muscular chest. Before Conrad could react, Yozak quickly interlaced his hands behind Conrad's neck.
"Yozak, what are you doing?" Conrad demanded.
"You said I need more practice wrestling," Yozak said with a predatory laugh.
Conrad let his body go limp, so that the weight of his enormous shoulders rested on Yozak's biceps.
Yozak staggered under the weight, but adjusted his stance to compensate.
Conrad waited for Yozak to tire or make a mistake. In the meantime, he could try being distracting. "I just thought of another joke," Conrad said. "What's green and-"
Yozak allowed himself to tip forward and fall into the mud, with Conrad underneath.
SPLAT!
Yozak grunted as Conrad elbowed him in the ribs and kicked him in the shin simultaneously. Who would have guessed Conrad would be harder to wrestle than an alligator?
Conrad twisted his body sideways, rammed his shoulder into Yozak's and managed to slip out of the vise-like bicep hold. Then he turned around and kicked Yozak in the stomach.
Yozak grabbed Conrad's boot and pulled, throwing Conrad off balance, and then grabbed Conrad's torso in another bicep-vise hold.
"You can't win so easily without your sword, captain."
"That's because you fight dirty, Yozak," Conrad said while twisting around and flinging a clump of mud at Yozak's face.
Yozak gasped in indignation and wiped the mud off of his face.
Conrad moved a few feet away and started flicking gobs of mud at Yozak's hair. "Hey Yozak, what is orange and-" Conrad began.
Yozak tackled Conrad before he could finish his newest joke.
They wrestled for a few more minutes until they were both out of breath and completely covered in mud.
"You might be rubbing off on me," Yozak teased.
"Speak for yourself," Conrad said grumpily.
"I'm serious. I just thought of a joke. What's brown all over and covered in brown?"
Conrad shoved a chunk of mud into Yozak's mouth.
~o~
When Herman III, Marie, and their family members arrived at the scene, they found two mud-covered men sitting next to an enormous dead alligator. That gator must have put up quite a fight!
Then they all had a giant alligator meat barbeque, to thank the heroic men for saving Herman III and Marie.