Disclaimer: I don't own Kyou kara Maou

Warnings: Mild violence, innuendo

Chapter 5: Yoanna the Fabulous

The first rays of the morning sunlight began to filter in to the small inn room. Yozak glanced over at the bed where Conrad was still snoring. It was probably a comfortable bed, not that he'd know since Conrad had unexpectedly decided it would be hilarious to play a game of Throw Yozak Out of the Bed last night. But that was one of the risks that came with miscalculating Conrad's mood.

Salsipuede didn't have very many stores. Yozak reflected that it was fortunate that he had packed three of his lucky dresses for this trip. And a lucky corset, lucky high heels, lucky false boobs that were a gift from Murata, a second set of fake boobs that Anissina had made, some lucky necklaces, a lucky push-up bra, a lucky garter, and lucky pantyhose.

Alkynes of Cleavage was a tavern built on the site of an old chemistry laboratory. Yozak had done some preliminary spy-work and found that Saralegui's men often made a point of stopping there for a few drinks when passing through town. The situation couldn't be better to get some information.

Yozak spread out and prepped his containers of make-up as he decided on an undercover story. Her name would be Yoanna, Yozak decided as he started applying the thick foundation. She would be a farm girl, which would make explaining the giant biceps easy. Yes, Yozak thought as he smoothed down and covered up his eyebrows, Yoanna was just a poor lonely farm girl who had always dreamed of moving to the big city and wearing fabulous sparkly dresses. Salsipuede might not be sparkly enough for Yoanna, but it was just a starting point, and she would be sure to bring some glittery disco-inspired fabulousness that no-one would ever forget! Yozak hummed a tune as he began to put on his green eye shadow.

"Yozak, what are you doing?" Conrad asked.

"Preparing to go undercover," Yozak said, indicating his dress, heels, white lacy undergarments, and half-done make-up, "You could too if you want." Yozak paused to size Conrad up. Conrad had worn a dress before, but it had been a disaster. There was more to gender illusion than just putting on some clothes.

Yozak continued to look at Conrad as he had an epiphany. Yoanna could have a friend! A next door neighbor girl friend who had no sense of fashion and a terrible sense of humor, but Yoanna loved her anyway since she was adorably cute and klutzy. And Yoanna would patiently teach her how to put on make-up and act like a lady. And how to do a few other things that weren't quite so lady-like. All the men would want them, but of course Yoanna would always have a special place in her heart for her childhood friend.

Yozak ran a manicured hand down Conrad's side. Ah yes, with a little padding, it would be easy to get the proportions right. "I'll show you how to do your make-up, stuff under your breasts, and tuck in your-"

"Yozak!" Conrad interrupted while stepping away.

"What?" Yozak asked with a bat of his long eyelashes.

Conrad didn't say anything, but communicated all that needed to be said with a glaring stare. A stare that said while he might often find Yozak's drag amusing and appealing, he wasn't often in the mood to do it himself, and now was definitely not one of those times. Not everyone liked to play dress-up as much as Yozak.

"Fine, be that way," Yozak said as he turned back to the dresser mirror. "Some other time, maybe?" he asked hopefully. Yozak still liked the idea of Yoanna's girl friend. Perhaps it would work when Conrad was in a better mood.

"Mph," said Conrad.

"You can be the look-out," Yozak said as he reconsidered the role Conrad could play. Her boyfriend? No, Yoanna didn't have a boyfriend. Conrad could be one of the many love-sick men who followed Yoanna around and carried her things for her. Or perhaps he could be a kindly bystander?

Conrad continued to stand there, filling the room with his uncooperative aura.

"Why don't you go get me some breakfast?" Yozak suggested. "Make yourself useful, while I finish up my girl stuff."

Conrad stomped out of the room and slammed the door.

Yozak pulled Yoanna's sparkly green dress up over his corseted waist and fake boobs. Yoanna liked green. And pink. Yozak tied an oversized pink bow around his waist. Then he put on a pair of high-heeled, boot-sandal shoes. They were shaped like boots, but had sandal straps with flower designs cut into them.

Yozak completed Yoanna's look by adding a pink-handled dagger that he strapped to his thigh. A girl had to be prepared for anything!

~o~

Conrad sat at a corner table in Alkynes of Cleavage and scanned the room. It was too early for the tavern to be completely filled. He didn't like spying and intelligence gathering as much as Yozak did. Conrad would rather confront evil directly with a raised sword. But sometimes you had to find out where the nefarious evil-doers were hiding. And that's where Yozak's spy games came in.

Conrad wondered what was taking Yozak so long. It had been over an hour since he had walked into the back kitchen, application in hand, and giggling like a schoolgirl.

A short time later, Yozak walked by with a tray of drinks.

"I take it you got the job?" Conrad asked.

"Obviously," Yozak said as he set a glass of wine on Conrad's table. He leaned down to whisper in Conrad's ear. "Those men over at the table closest to the bar are from Shou Shimaron." Yozak straightened up.

Conrad knew what to do. He would keep an eye on the exits and the situation in general. He frowned and wondered why Yozak always gave him the boring part.

As if sensing this Yozak leaned forward again, "You're the one who didn't want to wear a dress," he said, then stood up again.

Conrad didn't say anything. A boring job now wasn't too bad as long as if meant he could slice people up later. That was always fun.

"The special tonight is fried fish," Yozak said. "Why don't you try some?" he asked with a giggle and set down a plate.

Conrad looked at Yozak's giant boobs and expertly done make-up. Yozak was serving up fish, in more ways than one. He smiled and gave Yozak a tip.

"The men here are so generous," Yozak exclaimed loudly as he shoved the money into his bra. Then after a final wink at Conrad, Yoanna sashayed off to serve drinks to Saralegui's henchmen.

~o~

"Here's your food and drinks, boys," Yoanna said while swinging her tray over the table.

Friedrich looked up in shock. It was hard not to be impressed by the statuesque muscle bound woman who was serving their food.

"Let me know if you need anything else," Yoanna said with a wink.

"I like big women," Morgan mumbled into his drink.

Twenty minutes later, Yoanna was seated at Friedrich's table, listening wide-eyed to tales of the adventures of some of Saralegui's lowly henchmen.

"Ohh, I've never gotten to travel anywhere," Yoanna said with a hint of longing in her voice. "Except here. Your life must be so exciting," she said while batting her eyes.

Friedrich flushed and took another sip of his drink. "It's nothing special, really. Mostly traveling around and writing reports."

"And you're so modest, too," Yoanna cooed.

Morgan mumbled something that sounded like, "What a woman," into his drink while giving Yoanna the occasional lecherous side-glance. "Bigger is better," he continued.

Friedrich frowned as if noticing for the first time Yoanna's body-builder-esque muscles. "And what about you? You seem to have well developed…biceps for a girl your age."

Yoanna giggled and refilled Friedrich's drink. "Me? I'm just a farm girl. That's how I got so muscular. Plowing with the horses is a lot of work. I never had any brothers or sisters, so I had to do all the farm chores all by myself."

Friedrich nodded in sympathy.

"But they're very useful for waiting tables," Yoanna said with a flex of an impressive bicep. And now I'm ready to have exciting adventures," Yoanna said leaning in closer to Friedrich, "You wouldn't happen to know anywhere a girl could find some excitement around here, would you?"

"Well," Friedrich began

"I always like a lot of woman," Morgan said as he drunkenly dug his fingers into Yoanna's waist.

Yoanna grabbed the back of Morgan's hair and smashed his face into the edge of the table. Morgan groaned and slipped under the table to curl up into a ball of pain.

Yoanna giggled, "Oh, it looks like somebody had too much to drink."

Friedrich frowned. "I should probably take him home," he said.

"You're leaving already?" Yoanna asked with a pout. "Will I ever get to see you again?"

"I'll try to come back in a few weeks," Friedrich said as he dragged Morgan out from under the table. He frowned at the red crease that ran along Morgan's forehead.

"That's such a long time," Yoanna said with a sigh.

Friedrich chewed on his lip, hesitating for a moment, "Here, if you want some excitement, this is where I'll be tomorrow," he said while scribbling a location on a napkin. Then he shoved the napkin into Yoanna's hands and continued to drag his drunken companion out of the tavern

~o~

Conrad watched the exits and still saw nothing. He was getting bored. He wondered if Yozak would have to spend several days before finding the location of Saralegui's nefarious plans. He hoped not. After all, they needed to get everything done fast enough to return to blood pledge castle before Yuuri came back from earth.

One of Saralegui's henchmen stumbled drunkenly out the door as his companion tried to steady him. That probably meant everything had gone according to Yozak's plan.

Suddenly Conrad grunted in surprise as a whole lot of Yozak landed in his lap.

"I got the information, let's go," Yozak whispered into his ear. He wrapped his arms around Conrad's neck. "Carry me out?" he asked.

"No, that would attract too much attention," Conrad said as he stood up, dropping Yozak onto the floor with a thud.

Yozak stood up and brushed himself off, "You're no fun," he said as they left.

"That's because you don't have a very good sense of humor, Yozak," Conrad said with a smile.

A.N. - Thanks for reading! Next chapter Conrad will confront a Great Weevil.

I really appreciate any and all feedback on this story. :)