The Whispers in his Ears is us!
Once again, we find ourselves following Lord Voldielocks and nimble Death Nibblers. We are pretty sure that it s late at night as we everywhere is dark and…oh.
A concert! YES! We get to see... Britney Spears? Oh god, our favourite OldEvilOne has no taste in music! And we cannot escape! WAIT! I have idea!
As the clouded hot foggy room begins to flash with bright lights from the stage, a tall blonde girl, AKA Britney, starts dancing on the stage whilst singing. We are standing beside Voldielocks who is singing a long, word for word and shaking his botty to the beat.
Whispering words of encouragement into the ear of our lord, we somehow persuade him to climb onto the edge of the stage. And there he stands, as we snicker at his tight leather pants and green boob tube, Voldielocks pats his blond wig and dives forward into the sea of screaming ten year olds, and we stare open mouthed as hands upon hands, carry him over their heads.
"At last, I rule!" We hear him shout as he disappears from view.
Before we can start causing more trouble, we notice that Wormtail, desperate to play follow the leader, has also climbed onto the stage, he dived like his master into the fans, except this time, much to our own amusement, he lands, squish squash bang onto the cold concrete that is the arena floor.
As we try to make our exit from this concert, with our eardrums still intact we spot Voldielocks and Lucius gyrating on the stage, following Britney's dance routine. Suddenly, we are pulled onto stage by the force which binds us to Voldielocks, thankfully though, we are not seen, nor can we be seen. As our Lord continues to dance, we take a walk around the stage and smile as we notice two back up singers, who are pilfering equipment whilst singing.
A small woman is glaring at them, trying to hold her anger in place. Suddenly as the song ends, and Britney takes a quick costume break, Voldielocks ad Lucius continue dancing to the 'she'll be three minutes as she changes into another skimpy outfit' music. The small woman marches onto the stage and clicks off the two microphones of the man and woman who are the pilfering back up singers.
"Roman! Lily! What on earth do you think you are doing!" She barked at them, thankful of the thirty screaming fans that cannot hear her. Lily, the female singer smiled innocently.
"Well, you see Marie, we are just borrowing these bits of equipment, you know, like you do," Lily smiled brightly.
"You're not borrowing anything! You are stealing!" Marie snapped as she tugged at Roman's pants which fell down to reveal hidden home made pockets all over his legs, each pocket was full. "I ought to fire you both right now!"
"But you wont," Roman said cockily.
"I will!"
"No, you won't, because you need us, I mean come on, Britney can't sing, we are the ones the fans are here to see."
Marie quickly looked at Lucius and Voldielocks before marching up to them and whispering in their ears, with gleeful smiles on their faces, they followed her back to Lily and Roman. Marie looked proud of herself as she screamed at the two backup singers.
"YOU'RE FIRED!"
"No we are not," Lily said happily, but her smile fell as Lucius and Voldielocks pushed her and Roman away from the microphones and began to warm up their own voices.
"You are, and meet your replacements, Lucius and Voldie," Marie smiled before summoning two burly looking bodyguards onto the stage who happily pulled a protesting Roman and Lily off the stage.
"Ooops I did it again..." Lucius sang and smiled at Marie. "Yes, I think we are ready for our debut!"
"Good, if you look down, you will see the song play list, so you will know what songs are to be sung and when, now, on with the show!" She declared and switched their mics on just as Britney made her entrance again.
"All right everyone!" Britney screeched into her headset. "You all know this song! Lets dance!"
"Oh baby, baby," She sang and Lucius and Voldie joined in as they took hold of their microphones and started to walk into centre stage, singing along. Britney was now on to the chorus, in her school uniform, dancing wildly.
"My loneliness is killing me I must confess, I still believe When I'm not with you I lose my mind Give me a sign Hit me baby one more time..." Lucius and Voldie sang along while dancing behind Britney. But before she knew what had hit her (Lucius's bum), Voldie and Lucius had walked to the edge of the stage and launched into verse two, singing badly and off key.
"Oh baby, baby The reason I breathe is you Boy you got me blinded Oh baby, baby There's nothing that I wouldn't do That's not the way I planned it Show me, how you want it to be Tell me baby 'Cause I need to know now what we've got," They squealed through their mics. Britney just stood still looking perplexed at the events that were unfolding before her.
Seven hours later, one jointly massive headache and crowd of new Death Nibblers, the concert was over. We followed Voldielocks and his band of merry idiots into the back stage area where Britney was stood crying because her show had been hijacked, but no one seemed to care. Marie rushed up to Voldie and Lucius.
"Oh my, how wonderfully brilliant!" She cooed. "Please, would you like to join us on the rest of the tour?"
"Umm, no," Voldielocks said as he looked down at her. "We have to take over the world my dear, but until next time!"
The following morning, Voldielocks was woken by hundreds of screams filtering through his cracked bedroom window. Pulling himself out of bed, he noticed that it was only six a.m. and swore loudly. He sleepily walked over to the window and looked out. Standing hunched together were hundreds of screaming little girls, all wanting their new idol and hero. Signs and banners waved madly above some of their heads and he squinted to see what the said.
'We Forever Love You!' 'You are my HERO!' 'MARRY ME!'
"WORMTAIL! He screamed and turned around just as the fat balding man crawled out from under the OldEvilOne's bed.
"Yes master?"
"Kill them all," He said lazily before walking downstairs to the kitchen, where he found Lucius signing a pile of photographs and Draco, who was holding a bunch of already signed pictures making his way to the back door. "What is going on?"
"Father is giving them all signed pictures of himself so that they will go away," Draco said as he flung open the backdoor and walked into the screaming girls, handing out pictures.
"Oh well," Voldie groaned and summoned a bunch of photographs of himself before summoning a quill and signing them all 'Love The Dark Lord.'
"Draco," Lucius shouted and Draco re-emerged into the kitchen. "Here you go, that's them all done and signed.
"Okay Father," Draco said and picked up the pile of photographs.
"Here," Voldie said and handed over his freshly signed photos. "Hand these out as well."
"Yes master," Draco said, and off he went.
Ten minutes later, Draco entered the kitchen once more, his clothes torn and his cheek bloody and scratched. Everyone looked at him.
"Did they do that to you?" Lucius asked as he realised all was quiet outside.
"Yes, right before someone began to kill them," Draco said and pointed to the door. "You have about seven hundred dead teenage girls outside my lord, I didn't see who killed them all though."
"WORMTAIL!" Voldie roared as his wig fell from his head and landed onto of the gas cooker, which was turned on. No one noticed the burning blond hair until it was too late, and Voldielocks was no more. His pride and joy was gone and as we leave him and his tears, Lucius can be seen quickly dialling the telephone number for the hairdressers.