A/N: firstly we would like to say (It's all Etta's fault!) that we are very very very very very very - can you see how sorry we are?- sorry that we have broken Lucius's heart… we do not own anyone, only Mrs Grawp, she just doesn't know it yet. A very big I LOVE YOU to the dear SWIFTY!!!! (Lillianna has her fingers crossed praying for a slow pain filled punishment from Swifty to Etta some time soon.) Big thankies to our poor insufferable (only joking) Beta Miss Amy, who is at the moment wondering what she has let herself in for when she said she would beta these fics… Poor soul, so far we have only made her life a misery (that's because she forgets my name! - That's because your always shooting off to London and never on the site and leave all the hard work to ME!) Oooops. Oh and we do not own Ned Flanders or his girly scream, they belong solely to The Simpson's (Homer has a sign on his wall in his bathroom which says so!)

Chapter Six
Mrs Grawp.

"La, la, la, lala, laaaaa," Voldielocks hummed to himself as he waltzed around the bedroom of his rundown headquarters. He was unaware of the sniggering coming from the other side of the door.

"Oh my god," Snapeypoo sniggered. "I wonder if he is waltzing with his imaginary friend."

"Ssshh," Lucius said, trying to control himself. "Right, that's enough, move."

Snapeypoo and Lucius ran from the door and downstairs to the kitchen where they burst out laughing like hyenas on laughing gas. The Death Nibblers which were present looked at the two men with curious expressions. Unable to talk, the men pointed up to the ceiling and the Death Nibblers burst from the kitchen only to return six minutes later, all holding in their laughter. The giggle fit started.

"Yoo-hoo Nibblerlys!!!" An old woman cried from the back door as she barged into the house. She stood looking at her new 'friends' and beamed a toothless grin. Some of the Death Nibblers who had somehow managed to control their giggles looked down at the batty old woman's legs and burst into fresh bouts out laughter.

She wore stockings which had fallen down to her ankles, an old bed coat over her 'we love the hippos' t-shirt, and a pair of 'Forever Kill The Muggles' shorts which she had bought off Voldielocks three days ago at the streets car boot sale. No one had yet informed her that the shorts were in fact boxer shorts.

"Miss Chan!" Lucius cried, covering his laugher. "Lovely to see you again, how are you?"

"MARRIED!" She squealed before suddenly hugging all of the choking Death Nibblers.

"Married?" Snapeypoo echoed. "But who would want to marry you? OUCH!"

"Ignore him, he's old," Lucius grinned, having just stamped on Snapeypoo's foot. "So who is the lucky, lucky, lucky man?"

"His name is Grawp Hagrid… I think…He's not from England… Can't speak a word of English and is always shouting Hermy… I think that's his pet name for me," The new Mrs Grawp replied, completely oblivious to the silent laughter passing between the Death Nibblers.

"Grawp… What a lovely name," Lucius said choking back his own laughter.

"So, is HE," She said loudly indicating to the ceiling. "In? I'd best break the news gently."

"I do believe he was about to take a bath, maybe it would be best for you to call back later…" Snapeypoo said.

"Nonsense! It's not like I haven't seen any of it before!" Mrs Grawp grinned and bounced out of the kitchen, making her way upstairs, sounding like a wounded elephant as she went.

"Do you think we should…?" Wormtail said but trailed off.

"Noooo," The Death Nibblers said bursting into newer fresh giggling fits.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Voldielocks was now singing and dancing in the bathroom as he prepared to climb into his hot bubble bath. Because he was listening to an ipod which he had stolen off a small child that same morning, he never heard Mrs Grawp stamping her way upstairs.

"I'm Beautiful…" Voldielocks sang. "He saw my smile…."

"YOO-HOO!" Mrs Grawp boomed as she smashed the bathroom off its hinges. Taken, completely by surprise, Voldielocks fell backwards into the bath, screaming like a girl.

"Miss Chan!" He spluttered having just swallowed a mouth full of bath water, his eyes wide with horror. "Get out!"

"It's Mrs Grawp now, Voldielocks, sorry but I couldn't hang around waiting for you forever," She beamed sympathetically. "I do hope you understand."

"Umm… Yes..." Voldie replied, slightly shocked that anyone would marry the batty old woman in front of him. "Could you please get out of my bathroom?"

"No."

"No?" Voldie repeated, the colour draining from his already pale face.

"That's right, no," Mrs Grawp smiled, reaching out a hand to touch his bare shoulder. "We must talk about this."

"About what?"

"This… My marrying another man," She said as she began to pace the bathroom floor. Reaching into the pocket of her bed coat she pulled out a pair of reading glasses and placed them on her face. "You, see, when a man loses the woman he loves to another man, by offering to marry her, protect her, yada, yada, yada…."

"Miss Chan…I mean Mrs Grawp… Please don't psycho-analyze me," Voldielocks muttered, but she simply ignored him.

"It is not right Voldielocks to keep all this raw bitter heart breaking emotion locked up inside of you," She said, standing still in front of him, a sincere look on her face. "Please, tell me your feelings."

"I… Well … I am devastated," Voldielocks lied and Mrs Grawp appeared to be buying it. "I mean, of course I was terribly in love with you, but I guess in the end, the best man -"

"Giant," Mrs Grawp corrected him.

"Err, yes, giant, well the best giant won in the end, the very first battle I have lost…"

"No," She said suddenly, her gaze fixed on the pair of boxer shorts hanging from ceiling. "You have lost more then one battle, there was the time you couldn't kill Harry Potter, and oh lets not forget the fight with Dumbledore…."

"Yes, well, minor details," Voldielocks said annoyed. "As I was saying, the best giant won and I am now forced into being happy for you, after all, that is all I have ever wanted, was your happiness."

"Oh Voldielocks!" she cried before kissing him passionately, as soon as she turned away, he began spitting into the bath. "Please my darling love, do not tell my husband of this kiss, we must forget it ever happened… I shall leave now and never return."

"Yes, you do that," He said as she left. He sank down into his bath and sighed.

The following morning, Lord Voldielocks had an intense feeling of someone starring at him as he slept. He opened his eyes slowly and screamed a Ned Flanders worthy scream, jumped and pulled the bed clothes up to his chin and looked in horror as every inch of his body shook with fear.

"I have decided," Mrs Grawp informed him, wearing only her bloomers and bra. "It is you who my heart belongs to, so I have come to you, I have left my husband for you!"

"You shouldn't have," Voldielocks gasped as she began to climb up onto the bed, her eyes glinting mischievously. "Please, Mrs Grawp, return to your husband…"

"I'LL KILL HIM AND THEN HER AND THEN I'LL HIM AGAIN!" roared Lucius from the hallway, Voldielocks said a silent prayer of relief and flung himself out of bed, pulled on his pink Parisian silk dressing gown and flung open his bedroom door to find Lucius crying into the arms of Snapeypoo.

"What's happened?" Voldielocks asked as Mrs Grawp pressed herself up against his body, he shuddered and felt sick.

"Lucius caught his new wife in bed with a werewolf," Snapeypoo said with a shrug as he patted Lucius on the back.

"Greyback?" Voldielocks asked looking impressed.

"Lupin!" Lucius cried and Mrs Grawp pushed past Voldielocks, shoved Snapeypoo so hard that he rolled backwards and fell down the stairs and pulled Lucius into her chest.

"There, there dear," She soothed. "Marie was confuggled I am sure!"

"No she wasn't!" Lucius screamed hysterically. "She has always loved him, I know it now, and it makes sense! She would call out 'fluffy hunk' in her sleep and when I asked her about it she said she was dreaming of me, her fluffy hunk, but now I KNOW!"

"When ones heart belongs to another…" Mrs Grawp said but Lucius cried harder, she was now dripping in tears and snot.

"Promise me, Mrs Grawp, you will never leave your husband in this unbearable pain!" He begged his eyes red and puffy as they gazed up at her. "No man should suffer this pain, it will surely kill me!"

"Oh there, there my dear," She said softly. "Of course I won't leave my husband, but you must promise that you will not kill yourself! Poor Draco needs his handsome father to show him how to attract pretty girls."

"Okay," Lucius said. "If you mean it, then make the Unbreakable Vow."

"I'll be your binder!" Voldielocks said eagerly pulling out his wand. The Vow was made and with one last desperation filled look, Mrs Grawp fled the house.

"I think this means I am no longer on punishment," Lucius said standing up and pointing a wand at himself before turning to Snapeypoo who was lying spread eagled at the foot of the stairs. "In future Master, try to not attract the crazy women, it is hard enough keeping Bellatrix under control, let alone Mrs Grawp."

"You… Not true?" Voldielocks gasped.

"Of course its not!" Snapeypoo shouted from the floor where he was now sitting, with Draco pulling faces behind his back. "Marie has more sense then to sleep with Lupin."

"Yeah," Draco added. "For starters she hasn't been caught by father yet."

"WHAT?" Lucius roared and then vanished.

A/N: We regret to inform our faithful Death Nibblers that this Lord Voldielocks story is coming to an end because we argue too much and our men think we should be locked away for a bit, also, our Psychiatrist thinks it would be best if we did not share a little padded cell for a while, in case we try to strangle each other again with jelly babies. SO! If you want more random nonsense from us, please leave a review threatening a painful death upon Etta. Thank you, Lillianna.