After shouting at the two men, I went back to my office where I found Hanssen and Johnny having a conversation about a procedure that they would be doing later in the week. As I entered, both heads swung around and I was greeted by Hanssen's usual. 'Ms Naylor, could we have a quick word?'

What he means by that is probably, can I talk at you whilst you just sit back and take my crap. I don't think so. 'Well, it depends what this little chat entails. I mean, if it's us discussing when the next people skills course is or when my contract is up, then you can jog on. I'm really not in the mood for the stress which your meetings give me. But if you want to tell me that you've sacked Dr Lo then feel free to carry on with this conversation.'

'Nurse Maconie, would you please leave us.' Said Hanssen pointing to the door. He seemed to have made himself comfortable at my desk. 'Now Ms Naylor, your attitude towards Dr Lo has not changed in the slightest and because of that you may indeed be sent on another course, I think nurse Maconie would also benefit from joining you. But then again, last time the two of you met on a course you found a great way of finishing the evening. Yes, it was the course manager who informed me of your drunken fumble. It appears that she watched you enter a hotel room together. I must say, I'm a little disappointed and surprised at you lack of self-respect, you of all people should know better than to be sleeping around.' Nosey bitch, why the hell does she think that it's her business telling Hanssen?

'What has that got to do with you?' I said rudely.

'It isn't at all professional to be having a relationship with one of your colleagues, especially seeing as the two of you work on the same ward. I think that instead of sleeping with your latest conquest, you should be focussing on your career. I am going to except that you two may be seeing each other as long as it doesn't interfere with your work. If it does, I will be forced to transfer one of you, and seeing as Nurse Maconie is vital to the transplant team, you will be the more likely person to go.'

'It won't and anyway, he's nothing more than a nurse with a little more responsibility, I think that being a consultant trumps being a lowly nurse.' I bit back.

'Miss Naylor, one more comment about my nursing staff and you will be working night shifts for the next five months, do I make myself clear? Anyway, that wasn't actually what I came to discuss with you.' What have I done now?

'Well…' I said, hoping that he'd get on with it.

'I'm not entirely sure that you deserve it, but you remember applying for funding for an overseas research trip.'

'To LMSF.' I said remembering my pointless application.

'Congenital Pectus anomalies.' He said.

'That was more than a year ago.' I said not quite understanding.

'Good things come to she who waits.' What is it with him and these stupid sayings?

'What?' Now I was really confused.

'The trust have agreed to fund a six week placement.' Well, I was not expecting that.

'In San Francisco?' I asked, a smile appearing on my face.

'Unless the collage has relocated to Zimbabwe!' He said, his usual randomness passing over me.

'When?' I asked, eager to go as soon as possible.

'They'd like you to fly out at the weekend.'

'You're joking.' Well, I wasn't expecting it to be that soon.

'The timings a matter of fiscal expediency.' Him and his large, complicated words.

'Ahh, I see, they've got a chunk of budget they need to through at someone.' Well, he could at least make it seem like I wasn't a last resort.

'Is that a no?'

What do you think? 'Ehh, it's just short notice, that's all.'

'For someone with no family, no commitments.' Tell it like is why don't you.

'Well, when you put it like that.'

'You'll be on paid leave as of tomorrow.' Things just get better and better.

'Right.'

'What do you say?'

'Thank you.' I said sarcastically.

'You're welcome.' He said, finally taking his head up from my desk.

I shut the door behind myself, a large smile forming on my face. On my way to find Johnny, Eddi stopped and watched me smile. It's not surprising when people are astonished and stop and stare when I smile but it feels a little odd. I suppose if I was nicer and cheerful more often, then people wouldn't be surprised when those rare occasions that I'm genuinely happy, do actually occur.

I found Johnny sat at the Nurse's station; he was on the phone talking to Nurse Marshall. 'Can I have some more nursing staff up here, we still have two nurses off and have had no cover, this is appalling.'

I just watched him have a go at Simon, he was so much like me, and I like that about him. It means that it's easy for him to understand things from my perspective and it makes it easier for us to work together as our minds are so much alike. Great minds think alike. But it's not always a good thing, we both know how to get into each other's heads and because we're so similar, we often clash. Neither of us is ever going to admit that we have each other, but as long as we both know, everything's good. We know that there aren't any words needed just passion and understanding. A lot of understanding. Understanding of each other's past, know large amounts of knowledge is needed, just the knowing that it was hard and not to go there. I know nothing of his past, but by the way he acts and his issues with being truthful show that there are problems there, he just won't admit them.

My problems in the past are hidden to most apart from Michael and Sacha, but I know that Jos… god Joseph. For the last few weeks, I haven't thought about Joseph once, that must be a god thing right. Johnny is nothing like Joseph, for starters, Johnny's accent is the most amazing thing I've ever heard and he's quite cocky, not in a bad way though. Johnny has the confidence and balls that Joseph never had, he knows how to be a real man, but doesn't shove it in your face. Joseph had a family which he always put first, Johnny has nothing like that. Like me, he has no family, no commitments.

But we both have our close friend who are both surprisingly of the opposite sex, I have Sacha and he has Mo. I guess that without Mo, Johnny wouldn't be here and without Sacha I would completely repel him. Up until now, I never really realised how much everyone needs someone, but we have our friends. I've got Elliott, Sacha and even though I don't like to say it, I guess I've got Michael and Oliver too. As you can tell, I have male friends; I never get on with women as I'm likely to get into a bitch fight with them. Since I've been at Holby, the only women I've actually liked or got on with have been Connie and occasionally Dianne and Sahira. Dianne and Sahira were so similar. They both wanted the same job I wanted and the boss at the time of the consultancy preferred one of them to me. It's a shame that Dianne died; they would have made great friends.

'Enjoy your little meeting with Hanssen?' Asked Johnny, his usual grin on his face.

'Yes actually, I'm going to California!' I stated.

'Finally making that trip to Disney.' He replied sarcastically.

'Yeah, I'm getting the plane with Mickie Mouse. Didn't you get the memo, we're best mates.'

'I'm sure Minnie will be waiting for you to land.'

'Didn't you hear, Mickie and Minnie are having some issues. They're worse than Tara and Oliver, no idea that they having feelings for each other.' I said eying the pair.

'You think it too?' He said seriously.

'God yeah, although I can always tell when Oliver has the hots for someone.' I said watching them as they laughed together.

'I forgot that you could read minds, I mean, you're never wrong are you?'

'Well, I wasn't wrong when he had the hots for me.' I said, walking away.

What, you and Valentine?' He asked, following me.

'Yup, we were going out for years, we were engaged and everything. I got pregnant but then I cheated on him with Mickie Mouse.' I said sarcastically.

'I'm guessing that's why him and Minnie aren't getting on at the moment.' He said laughing.

'No, it was a one of with Oliver.'

'Anyway, what's the real reason for you going to California?' He asked, sitting back down.

'LMSF!' I announced.

'What, the Lakeside Medical College in San Francisco?' He asked, surprised.

'Exactly, I'm going there for six weeks. Sun, see and…'

'No sex!' He interrupted me.

'I was actually going to say studying, and anyway I'm sure there are a lot of other Neurosurgeons for me to sleep with.' I said, retaliating.

'Well. I'm sure you'll miss me. I mean, if you hadn't said that you would be happy sleeping with anyone other than me, I would have offered to come with you for a week, but seeing as you'd much rather be on your own, I'll stay put.'

'I need to go, I have packing to do.' I said leaving.

'Wait, when do you leave?' He asked hurriedly.

'This weekend.' I replied.

'I was thinking, if you finish your packing before tonight, I could come over and we could have a bite to eat.' He suggested.

'As you know, I'm very organised so I don't expect that to be a problem.' I replied.

'I'll bring a take away and a couple of bottles of wine.' He said.

'Alright then, bye. Wait you don't know my address.' I said.

'Patient records…' He replied.

'Illegal, no here you go.' I said writing down my address. 'I'll see you later, and no accessing my personal files.'

'Bye then.'

I got home and began to pack quickly. I needed time to clean the house and get ready. I climbed up to the loft and looked around for the suitcases. Most of the things up there were covered in dust and cobwebs. Last time I'd been up there, I had been putting away Joseph's stuff. I couldn't bear to throw it away so I kept it, out of sight out of mind. I found my suitcase almost straight away, it was broken. Perfect.

One more thing for me to do, well at least it meant I could go buy the things I needed. I had no bikinis, shorts, summer clothing, sandals, sunglasses, sun cream and nearly enough nice make up. The first thing would be to go shopping, but where, I don't shop at all. It might be a good idea to find a woman who enjoys shopping. The first name that popped into my head was Connie but he was completely out of the question, then I thought of Chrissie, but she still isn't talking to me since I said that she was close to having a mental breakdown.

The only person who would be suitable to go shopping with was Michael and we weren't exactly 'Best Buds' either. But I'd rather have his help than none at all. I pulled my phone from my pocket and called AAU.

'Hello, AAU.' Said a familiar female voice.

'Hi, Nurse Mckee this is Jac Naylor. Could you possibly put me through to Michael Spence.' I said professionally.

'Yes, I put you through.'

'Hello, Mr Spence.' Came his American accent.

'Hi, it's Jac. Listen, I could really do with a favour and it involves me buying you lunch to say thank you.' I said hoping that lunch would be enough to bribe him.

'Depends.'

'I'm going to the states and I need your help shopping, you know how much I value your opinion on clothing.' I lied.

'Sure, I finish work in about ten minutes so I'll come to yours as soon as I'm done.'

'Thank you, I'm so grateful.' I replied.

'No you're not.' He said hanging up.

We shopped together for over three hours and by the end of it our arms were falling off and my bank account was almost empty. Michael and I walked out of the shopping centre and to his expensive car; we placed the many bags in the boot and climbed in. On our shopping spree we had picked up many items of luxurious clothing; which was far from cheap I can tell you. We had gone into a bag shop which had a large range of suitcases, I picked out a set which was blue and flowery; not my kind of thing but at least it was eye catching.

We arrived at Marzoni's, as Michael knew it was my favourite restaurant. We left the car and headed inside to find the restaurant was almost empty. There were only two tables occupied one was an old couple and the other was a pregnant woman who's back was turned to us. Together we walked over to a waiter who was standing by a large plant, staring into space.

'Um, excuse me.' I said, making myself heard. 'Table for two please.'

'Of course.' He said, he was slightly annoyed at us for disturbing him. He sat us down at my usual table in the corner and handed us two menus although there wasn't any point in him doing so as the two of us been there so often that we knew the menu off by heart.

'I'll have a chicken ceaser salad and a glass off white, how about you Michael?' I asked.

'Same, but a glass off red.' He replied handing back the menu to the waiter. As soon as the waiter left, Michael began to speak again. 'On a diet?'

'What if I am?' I replied defensively.

'Well, if you carry on not eating, you'll waste away and we wouldn't want that would we.' He said sarcastically.

'Are you going to talk crap all night or are we going to have a civilised meal, I know we haven't always been the best of friends but today has been close to bearable.'

'Oh, stop it you're making me blush.' He said in his usual annoying accent. 'Anyway, do you want to know the main reason I agreed to this?' He asked. 'I wanted to know whether you're shagging Maconie or not.'

But before I could put him in his place, a man with his face covered ran in. He was holding a gun. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as he turned to face me. The man grabbed hold off me by my hair and dragged me from my seat. My heart thumped faster as he put the gun to my throat, I could feel the coldness of the metal as he began pushing it harder into my throat. He pulled me to the counter and shot a forceful look at the waiter.

'Get Vic now.' His emotionless voice spoke. I saw the waiter run off and return with a familiar face. Victoria towards us, fear in her tear filled eyes. 'Now Vic, I want my money and I want it now.' He shouted.

'I haven't got it, you know I haven't.' She said weakly. She realised who it was he was holding and gasped. 'Miss Naylor, is that you?'

'Well, it won't be for much longer unless you get my money. I want my ten thousand pound or she gets it.' His scream piercing threw me.

'Jac!' A woman's voice shouted behind me.

'Mo, run!' Shouted Michael. I heard her clambering from the table, she rushed towards the doors but before she could escape, our capture swung round and pulled the trigger.

'Mo! Mo, are you alright, speak to me Mo!' Shouted Michael, who had rushed to her aid.

'Michel the baby.' Screamed Mo.

'I suggest you start getting me the money or you will be sorry. Why don't you go into the kitchen and locate it before I lose my temper. Remember, no funny business.' He said cruelly.

Vic ran from where she'd come from and was followed by the waiter. Behind us the old couple had rushed out of the door without a sound. Minutes passed by before we heard anything, but it wasn't the sound we were longing for. It was the slamming of a door.

The man who's arm was wrapped across my neck rammed the gun into my stomach and pulled the trigger. The noise of the bang exploded my ear drums as the pain shot threw me. I fell to the ground, I could see the blood seeping through my white shirt. The man ran to where Vic had been and left me lying there.

I could hear Michael talking to me, he said something about Mo's baby but the rest just passed over me. My vision began to blur slightly and I watched as the dark figure rushed towards me. I watched as he ran around me and listened as I heard him look the door.

I pushed myself up and turned to face Michael who was applying pressure to Mo's arm which covered in blood. Mo suddenly grabbed her stomach and screamed. I could hear her waters break.

'Mo, you're going to have to start pushing for me. There's no way we can delay this!' Said Michael who was looking into her frightened eyes.

The man ran from the door and to the till. He threw the till to the ground and began to kick it. I could just make out the smile on his face as he grabbed the small amount of cash. He began rummaging around the bottles, hoping to find more money. The amount he's already found was obviously not enough.

Mo's screaming grew louder and louder as time passed. I heard Michael shout 'One more push!' before the sound of crying filled the room. Then I took one less breath and everything went black.

I opened my eyes to find myself in a strange place. It was Holby General, yet it was different. It was faint and white and empty. There was none of the usual noise and commotion in this strangely deserted place. I could see the rays of sun shining through the windows and onto the mist below. I saw a man in the distance, he looked familiar.

I could see a scar on his left cheek. The scar which I had caused. The scar which I had inflicted on him when I was merely old enough to understand. The scar which had been there since the day he died. The scar which I had traced my finger over as he lay still on the ground. I had done that. I had grabbed the knife. I had attacked him. I had helplessly watched him die at the age of three. Nobody ever understood why I had done it. Nobody could have saved him. Nobody could have saved me. Saved me from the pain. Saved me from a life alone. Saved me from this hell hole which I call my life. Saved me from myself.

'Dad!' I could hear myself screaming. 'Dad, come back.'

Hearing my voice he turned around. 'No Jackie, this isn't right.'

'Dad please, Dad just please. Please forgive me.' I cried out.

'But you can't be here.'

'I can because I'm dying, I know that but I need your help and I can't take that until you give me your forgiveness.'

'Jackie, you need to let go. You know you're not going to get through this, just let go.' He replied as he approached me.

'No!' I couldn't die.

'Just stop fighting it and let it take you away.' He replied as he came closer.

'But I can't, I can't give up.'

'You're nearly there my darling, just let go.' He cried.

'I can't.' I said helplessly.

'Don't you want to be with your family, the people who love you?' He asked.

'But there are people down there who love me.' I told him, trying to convince the both of us that it was true.

'No they don't nobody loves you, nobody cares for you anymore, can't you see, I'm the only one who cares.' He said placing his hand on my cheek and wiping away the tears which tumbled down it.

'Yes, they do!' I screamed angrily. 'I'm not ready to give up, they need me.'

'Fine, but you don't have much time. Just try to breath, it may not make sense now but it will.' He placed a tender kiss on the top of my head and stroked my glossy auburn hair.

'Please forgive me.' I said, the tears falling heavier than ever.

'If you love me enough, then you'll know that my love is returned and will understand that all I need is love to forgive and my darling, the amount I have for you is more than you'll ever know.' He said touchingly.

'I love you.' I whispered.

'I know.' He whispered in return. 'Because I love you twice as much.' He said turning his back on me before fading away.

I took one final look at this beautiful place before closing my eyes and breathing.