All of the usual disclaimers apply.
Song inspiration for this chapter is Anymore, written by Travis Tritt and Jill Colucci, recorded by Travis Tritt. It appears on his album It's All About To Change in 1991.
We're nearing the end...someone needs to come up with a grand gesture and a sincere apology, ya think?
Chapter 14: Asking For Forgiveness
NEW YORK
Bella's first studio session time in several months was booked, and her management team had decided to record at The Record Plant in New York City instead of recording in Los Angeles. She had been busy learning her new songs and rehearsing for her sessions. Today was the first day of taping, and she arrived early, eager to get started on her newest recording.
She left the ladies room after freshening up and greeted familiar old friends who were always with her during recordings, her manager, producer, and sound technician. Edward was conspicuously absent. She wondered if his absence would affect the way she performed. He was her heart and soul, and she couldn't imagine that her feelings wouldn't be evident in her singing.
With her headphones on, Bella listened to the backing tracks before she stepped to the microphone for take one of her taped vocals. Her voice sounded shaky, even to her, which she put down to nerves. It had been a while since she'd been on the microphone, and her personal life was in a shambles. She knew she just needed to build up her confidence and her vocals would come.
She asked for a second and a third take, which the engineer gladly gave her. He loved working with Bella, loved the fact that she was the daughter of the late, great Charlie Swan. She knew her way around a recording studio and a soundboard, and could talk tech-speak with the best of them. She'd be fine, he knew it. She just needed a little time. All this business with Edward had gotten to her.
"Guys, can we take a break? I think I just need to stop for a little while, okay?' she asked them. She looked at them through the large plate glass window and they all nodded and gave her the thumbs up sign and headed out of the studio for a cigarette break and the bathroom.
She remained on her stool, headphones on, lost in thought. Why isn't this working? Daddy, please help me. I sound terrible and I can't concentrate. My life is falling apart, daddy. She rocked back and forth on the stool, willing herself to beat the demons threatening to overwhelm her. She had always been able to sing, had always felt at home on the stool with a microphone. Why was this recording session any different?
Because this time you are recording with a broken heart, girl. She heard her daddy's voice in her head. Use it. All artists use their grief.
A tear slipped down her cheek. She wiped it away. Daddy, you are here with me, aren't you?
She thought of Edward and how much she loved him and missed him. Daddy was right. She was broken-hearted and grieving. It was time to stop fighting it and let the emotions come out. By the time her team returned from break, she felt ready to sing again, and waited patiently to begin.
In the hallway outside the studio, a familiar face greeted her sound engineer. "Edward! What are you doing here, man?"
"Hey man, what's up? How's she doing in there?" Edward asked his own question in return, effectively dodging an answer as to why he was there. Technically, he had the right to be in the recording studio with Bella when she recorded, but given the circumstances of their relationship at this point in time, it was a little awkward. Still, he knew that nobody would stop him. This was his ticket in, and he needed the engineer's help anyway.
"She's having a rough time, Ed. Her voice sounds shaky and she isn't confident at all. We're taking a break right now to let her rest and get it together a little bit".
Edward nodded his head. He had been there, so he knew how his sweetheart was feeling right now. The pressure was enormous when you had a studio clock ticking and a crew getting paid and your vocals weren't tight. It was the loneliest feeling in the world. He'd give anything if he could just go in there and talk with her and hug her and encourage her. If everything worked out with his plan, maybe, just maybe he could.
He decided to ask the sound engineer for help. Nobody else had returned from break, so this was a perfect opportunity.
"I made a tape back in L.A. and I'd like to play it for Bella while she's in there alone. Will you roll it for me?"
The engineer looked at Edward and saw the desperation in his eyes.
Oh boy what am I getting into? "Okay, let's go...just stay in the background while I talk to her".
They entered the sound room together, with Edward careful to remain several steps behind him so as not to be seen. The engineer turned the lights in the control room down very low, and then nodded to Edward to come have a seat at the control panel. Bella still sat in the recording booth with the headphones on, unaware that the men were at the controls. The engineer spoke quietly to Bella on the intercom, announcing his presence. "Bella, I'm back. I'd like to play something for you".
She spun on her stool and looked through the plate glass window towards his voice. They saw her squint her eyes and lean forward towards them, trying to see into the darkness of the room. Edward's breath caught at the sight of her.
"Why is the room so dark?" she asked
"Just trying to relax you...listen to this".
Music started to play and the engineer looked at Edward and got up from his chair and left the room. This was a private moment between the two of them, whatever was on that tape.
From the first note of the first word sung, she recognized the voice as Edward's. Nobody in the world had a voice like his. She put her head down and held her hands over the headphones and listened to the song he was singing, obviously meant for her.
I can't hide the way I feel about you anymore
I can't hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore
My tears no longer waiting, my resistance ain't that strong
My mind keeps recreating a life with you alone
And I'm tired of pretending, I don't love you anymore.Let me make one last appeal to show you how I feel about you
Cause there's no-one else I swear holds a candle
Anywhere next to you
My heart can't take the beating, not having you to hold
A small voice keeps repeating deep inside my soul
It says I can't keep pretending I don't love you anymore.I've got to take the chance or let it pass by
If I expect to get on with my lifeMy tears no longer waiting
Oh my resistance ain't that strong
And my mind keeps recreating a life with you alone
And I'm tired of pretending I don't love you anymore
Anymore…..anymore…..anymore.
He wasn't an expert at a soundboard, but he knew how to switch the button to the off position. He looked at her, waiting for some kind of reaction to what she had just heard. When he had been back in California, after speaking with Jake, he knew that he needed to make amends with her and find a way to express his feelings for her. He did it in the only way he knew how, through his music. She was a country girl, born and bred, and she loved good old-fashioned country love songs. He had found this one, and the words and melody spoke to him and conveyed exactly what he wanted to say to Bella as a preliminary to the conversation he hoped to have with her. He held his breath and waited for her to do something.
Finally, she made a move on the stool. Her shoulders heave and Edward realized she was crying.
Oh God, baby no...don't cry, my love...it kills me to see you cry.
She removed the headphones and placed them on the floor beside her and placed her hands over her face and sobbed. She had no idea he was there, simply thought the engineer had played a tape for her.
He couldn't take it any longer. He left the engineering room and opened the door to the booth she was in. She remained on the stool, and didn't lift her head when she heard the door open, assuming her sound technician was coming inside to calm her down and comfort her.
Edward knelt before her and tried to whisper her name, but his throat constricted, and he needed to clear it and swallow the painful lump before he made another attempt.
"Bella?"
Her head lifted at the sound of his voice and she looked at him in shocked amazement.
He took her hands, wet from covering her face and drew them to his mouth. He placed gentle kisses on them and said her name again, a softer whisper, "Bella".
She watched him kissing her hands, crouched before her and her chest heaved again as she struggled to stop crying and catch her breath.
"I can't believe you're here, Edward".
"I can't believe you aren't having someone toss me out of here", he replied. "Sweetheart, I've been such a stubborn ass".
She withdrew her hands from his, using them to wipe her face as a fresh tears began to flow. She stood up and reached for his hands, urging him to stand. When he was upright, she put her arms around him and hugged him fiercely. "I'm so sorry for what I did to you, Edward".
He held her away from him slightly, a little confused, trying to understand what she meant. He had come here to apologize for his unforgivable behavior and ask for another chance, so what was she talking about?
"Sweetheart, what do you mean?
"Oh Edward, all this mess could have been avoided if I had only handled it better. First, I never should have taken off in the middle of the night when I left Los Angeles to begin with. That's not how adults work out their relationship problems".
He listened as she talked and got things off her chest that had obviously been bothering her.
"Then, when you asked me about Jake, it would have been so easy to tell you who he was and let it go, but I made a big mountain out of a molehill and look what has happened to us", she took a breath and sounded like she was gasping, as she was crying at the same time.
"He isn't anybody special, Edward. Well, he is, but he isn't. He's the oldest friend I have in the world but that's all he'll ever be to me. Nobody in the world could ever be what you are", she said. "All I had to do was answer your question in the condo, Edward, but I was the one who was the stubborn ass. I let my foolish pride get in the way. I'm such a bad girlfriend. Why would you even want someone like me to be your girlfriend?".
Her tears flowed and her breath came in ragged gasps.
He didn't know what to say. He looked at her in shock, watched her as she cried and gulped air and finally managed to gather his senses. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her as tightly as he could, shushing her and stroking her hair. "You don't owe me an apology or an explanation for anything, sweetheart. I should be on my knees right now begging you for forgiveness".
Her watery brown eyes looked up at him, wanting so badly to believe that he was telling her the truth, afraid to believe that she was getting her hopes up again for nothing. He wiped her tears with his hands and moved her hair away from her eyes.
"You're the most perfect woman in the world, and the best girlfriend any guy could ever hope to have. You haven't ever given me any reason to doubt you, or not trust you. Everything was entirely my fault, Bella, all of it. I have so much to talk to you about, but I don't want to do it here. I'm telling the guys you're done for today, okay? We're going to go someplace where we can talk".
She agreed, unconcerned for the time being about the recording sessions. There were times in life when things had to be prioritized, and her personal life came before her career any day.
Edward notified the sound engineer and Bella's management team that the session was over for the day. He instructed them to bill the rest of the day for her session on his own account. Now, nobody had to squawk over crew pay and all the unpleasant aspects of the recording business. His main concern was getting himself and his girl somewhere private where they could begin to put the pieces of their lives back together.
Authors Notes: Now we're getting somewhere. Enough sadness and angst! The next chapter is the last regular chapter...and is rated very M.