"It's not a bad time. Come in." Shepard steeled herself, placing her palms on her desk and letting her head drop for a moment to stretch her aching muscles. She lifted her head again as the door hissed open and Tali entered. Ignoring the stab of jealous anger—she had no right to be jealous—she managed a semblance of a smile. "What can I do for you?"

Tali looked suddenly unsure, her shoulders sinking a little. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I shouldn't have bothered you." She paused, twisting her hands together. "This can wait. Really."

Shepard shrugged. "You're here now. You wanted to talk. Let's talk. Preferably sitting down, though." The first step made her wince, but she managed to make it down the stairs to the couch in the corner without too much pain. Hopefully, after a few hours of sleep, her cybernetics would have a chance to repair enough of the damage to allow her to move more comfortably.

Tali trailed after her, perching herself on the end of the couch furthest away from Shepard, as if she was about to bolt for the door. Leaning back, Shepard waited for her to speak. The crushing fatigue was making everything feel strangely surreal; blurred around the edges.

At last, Tali seemed to make up her mind about something; sitting up straighter and meeting Shepard's cool gaze. "We need to talk about what happened yesterday."

She couldn't help the involuntary twitch of her muscles as Tali's words pierced through the fog. She kept her reply safe. Neutral. Civil. "Anything specific?"

Tali huffed. "Keelah, Shepard, you know what I'm talking about."

Fighting back the tide of irrational anger that surged through her, she clenched her hands into tight fists and slowly released them. Her head swam with images: the embrace she'd walked in on, the two of them, laughing behind her back; wondering when she was going to catch on. Commander Shepard, completely oblivious…

"So, how long has it been going on?"

Tali looked down, rubbing her palms absently over her knees before looking up again. "Fairly recent. I realize that there are regulations against this sort of thing in the Alliance, and I wanted to reassure you that Garrus and I are prepared to abide by them. Even though we aren't Alliance ourselves, it's only fair to the rest of the crew if we follow the same rules."

She didn't know what to say. Did she really think this was all just about regs? Was Tali actually suggesting that she and Garrus were going to break things off? A guilty sort of relief slithered down her spine as Tali continued.

"I wanted to apologise, for earlier, and let you know that it won't happen again. We'll keep our private affairs off the ship. Like we should have done in the first place."

Oh.

Not breaking things off then.

Just doing it out of her sight.

She should be grateful that they were going to be so considerate, not so fucking angry that she was sure she could feel the color rushing to her face. Her hands were clutching the fabric of the couch so tightly that she thought it might rip.

Tali was clearly making an effort to keep her own hands still; her voice dejected and contrite. "I'm sorry. We both are."

Shepard couldn't help the harsh bark of laughter that escaped. She was sorry? Fuck, they weren't doing anything wrong. This was all her. Her fault. If she hadn't been so tired, so worn, so broken, she would have screamed. She held her head in her hands as she sucked in a few deep breaths, trying to maintain control. "You don't need to apologize."

She was the one who should be apologizing. To everybody.

"We're fighting a battle that's starting to look pretty fucking impossible to win from where I'm sitting. I don't think a little fraternization is going to make all that much difference right now." Shepard sat up wearily, letting her head loll back against the top of the couch.

Whatever.

It didn't matter.

She didn't matter.

She was Commander fucking Shepard: paragon; icon; mentor; the Alliance's scapegoat or poster child, depending on their whims.

That was what everyone needed right now and she would give it to them.

Burying her rage, her envy, her weakness, she crushed it down inside and struggled not to shudder; swallowing it all like a mouthful of shattered glass. "I want you and Garrus to find a little happiness in all of this. How could I not? The two of you are my best friends. It just took me by surprise. That's all."

Tali grew very still, studying her. "Do you have feelings for Garrus?"

Everything was threatening to erupt, leaking out through the cracks.

Fuck.

She was going to break.

It took everything she had to maintain her façade; the calm surface hiding the monster beneath. "No."

"You don't have to lie to me, Shepard." Tali's eyes cut deeply. "After everything we've been through together, I'd like to think that we can both be honest with each other."

The air between them was electric with tension; she was holding her breath, sure that Tali was doing the same. The chaotic tower of emotion that she'd been struggling to keep in check was about to come crashing down around her and she was too tired to stop it. She pulled her leg—the good one—up to her chest and wrapped her arms around it as she tried to hold herself together. Tali was watching her and it was too much; she had to close her eyes in a vain attempt to center herself.

Could she be completely honest?

No.

She wasn't going to add Tali and Garrus to the mass of corpses she already carried around on her back—Mindoir, Akuze, Virmire… The weight was already too much to bear.

The half-truth, she owed Tali that much, slipped out more easily than she would have imagined. "I thought I did, once, but I was wrong. I don't. Not anymore."

"Did you ever tell him?" Tali's feigned indifference was almost physically painful to endure.

"No. It would have never worked. For lots of reasons."

They were too different—levo and dextro…

A relationship, especially with a turian, would have damaged her credibility, made it even harder to get the Council to listen…

She was the Commander and he was effectively her subordinate. The fucking regs…

She'd run through them all in her mind, at one time or another, piling on reasons why she should just try and forget about it. The truth, if she could admit even the smallest kernel of it to herself, was that she'd been afraid. Afraid of losing what they had, afraid of losing her best friend, afraid of losing the one reason she had in the whole fucking universe to roll out of bed every morning.

She would save him and he would be happy. He and Tali would build that home on Rannoch and find some peace.

It was an effort to keep the tears away. She hadn't cried in years but, now that the precedent had been set, she couldn't seem to make herself stop. She was worn too thin. "You two are so well-suited for each other. I… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry." She tried to smile, but it just wouldn't come.

Couldn't they all see what she was trying to do for them? That she was giving herself—an offering on an altar to some long-forgotten god of war—so they didn't have to?

Tali's voice hummed with concern. "I don't want to hurt you, Shepard. You're my friend—remember? And, I am worried about you. You think we all can't see how exhausted you look?"

Her fury and frustration roared uncontrollably in her ears. "Yes, I'm tired. Of course I'm tired. But, it's not like I can just stop and take a break." She could feel her body tensing, wanting to snap, wanting to lash out. "I'm not sure what everyone is expecting—am I supposed to be prancing around all fresh and rested while the Reapers are annihilating us, planet by planet?" Her last words were a barely restrained yell. "Of course I'm fucking tired!"

Tali didn't look taken aback. Instead, she reached out to touch Shepard's arm. "Is there anything more I can do to help? Anything you need, just ask—"

Tali's kindness filled her with an almost revulsion, a need to get away, to escape.

"I appreciate it, Tali, but, right now, I just need to get some sleep." Shepard stood up abruptly to avoid the contact, fiercely wishing to be left alone. A white bolt of pain lanced through her leg—the analgesics were wearing off—but she held herself steady with just a slight waver.

Tali withdrew, her back perfectly straight. "I'm sorry for being so thoughtless. We can talk more tomorrow."

"Sure."

Anything.

She just wanted her to go.

Shepard crossed her arms over her chest, her body language reinforcing the internal barriers she was hastily re-erecting.

It had been a mistake, letting the two of them get too close; letting them see that there was a person, however broken, beneath the image she'd projected for so long.

It was better this way.

Tali turned back, just before the doors. "Keelah se'lai. Sleep well, Shepard."

"You, too."

Just get out.

I don't want to feel anymore.

A/N: My original intent had been to write this chapter from Tali's POV but, after I'd finished it, I realized that we really needed to see Shepard continuing to disintegrate at this point in the story. So, maybe we'll see into Tali's head later on... :)

Thank you to Josie Lange for her crazy-fast beta and her always helpful advice and suggestions.

Thank you, as well, to everyone who has taken the time to read, review, favorite, and/or alert. It means so much to me.