[The journal appears to be missing a page. Bits of torn paper are still sticking out from the binding.]

The night wasn't as cold as she thought it'd be. Or maybe she just hadn't cooled down yet. Her breath was vapor in the air and she shivered in spite of three layers of clothing, but she didn't feel it. Not really. Her thoughts were somewhere else entirely at the moment.

Saya wasn't used to this feeling - or lack thereof. The images of the past hour were still fresh in her mind, but she didn't really… think anything of it. She only felt a vague hollowness, boredom even. It was like she had just finished eating a delicious meal and now she was staring at her own reflection in the empty dish. As though without the hunger keeping her going, her last motivation to do anything at all fizzled out. Saya looked wistfully at the sky. Part of her was still hoping a dragon might fly over and complete the shitshow that today has been.

Her ears twitched at the sound of a tiny sneeze coming from behind. She turned around and immediately smiled. It was almost reflexive, like a silent greeting done purely out of courtesy. Brelyna didn't return it, and Saya thought nothing of it. She wordlessly scooched over instead, making room for the Telvanni to sit down on the battlements with her. Saya didn't care much for heights, but Brelyna felt her knees wobble a little bit at the sight of the ground all the way down there, some kilometer or two away. With a tired sigh, she sat down.

"So… How are you feeling?" Saya asked, glancing over at her. Brelyna was wearing the same clothes she had been wearing in her room earlier, though with the notable addition of winter boots and a thick cloak to keep her warm. She never bothered to tie her hair again, though Saya thought she looked better with it down anyway.

Brelyna smiled wryly, glancing at the Dragonborn. "Like shit. You?"

"Same as," Saya chuckled. She was only kind of lying. Of course, she wouldn't say she was feeling stellar by any means - but she had a decent hunch that her reason for feeling like shit and Brelyna's were two different beasts. "I'd say I need a drink, but I don't really want one. Head's scrambled as it is." She scratched the side of her head for emphasis, but paused mid-motion. Huh. She hadn't realized her hair had grown back this much. Wait, don't get distracted now-

"Yeah…" Brelyna didn't know how to properly respond. She only felt half-there, logically sitting beside Saya here and now, staring off into the starry sky. But emotionally, she was still stuck back in that room, head splitting in two like a cracked mirror trying to show a reflection. Not a single thought she could come up with seemed coherent, so she whispered the first intelligible thing on her mind: "You're leaving soon, aren't you?"

Saya shrugged without looking. "Aren't you?"

Brelyna did not immediately respond, averting her eyes so Saya wouldn't see her face. She gave a mute shrug, unsure what else she could say. No matter what she told right now, it would've felt like a lie. "I… I don't know."

"You 'don't know'?" Saya raised a curious eyebrow. "What about your parents? Aren't they supposed to be waiting for you or something?"

At that, Brelyna lowered her head slightly. She clasped her hands together, staring at them but also sort of past them, like her mind and her eyes were focused on completely different things. "I…" She paused, drawing a sharp breath. "I lied. Sort of. I was going to go to my parents eventually, but… I was planning to go to my uncle first, stay there for a while until they had time to process everything. And then, maybe…"

Saya's expression softened somewhat. She already had a hunch that Brelyna's decision to leave wasn't made on a basis of forethought and rationality, but she didn't quite expect this. "Your uncle… the magister?" Brelyna nodded. "Are you two close?"

She chuckled. "No, not really. He was my teacher before I got sent to the College. My parents' initiative." Brelyna turned to Saya with a wry smile. The conversation was still fresh in her mind. "I wasn't given much say in the matter. Not that it would've changed much."

"What do you mean?" Saya cocked her head.

"Uncle Neloth is…" Brelyna trailed off, cringing as her memories returned to her one by one. "...he's a dick, alright? He's the most annoying, self-centered, obnoxious knobhead that you've ever seen. And what's worse, he's almost justified in it!... well, for the most part anyway." She sighed.

Saya couldn't help but giggle quietly. "What, that bad huh?"

"Worse!" Brelyna turned sharply. "Whatever you're imagining, he's six times worse! He's the best mage and the worst teacher I've ever bloody seen! I've probably learned more about brewing tea than about magic in all the time I've had to spend with him!" The girl shouted, throwing up her hands so hard she momentarily lost balance and almost fell back. Saya quickly leaned in, putting a hand on her back and catching her. "T-Thanks."

"Mhm." The Dragonborn nodded, smiling. "So, if your uncle is such a pain in the ass, why stay with him?"

Just as fast as it lit up when Saya caught her, Brelyna's face dropped upon hearing that question. Her lips pursed again, tensing her mouth into an uncomfortable thin line. "That's… because of my parents," she said quietly, lowering her eyes. "At first, I studied under them, but…"

"But?" Saya echoed.

Brelyna smiled slightly. Her shoulders were starting to shake, though neither she nor Saya could tell if it was from the cold. She made a noise that vaguely resembled a nervous laugh, or maybe a subdued sniffle. Either way, she reached up to rub her eyes preemptively. "I… I told you before about the Maryon family and how we've had a seat on the Telvanni council. And it's true, but…" She sighed, shaking her head. "It's all uncle Neloth, really. My father and mother aren't anyone special. She's an Oathman, and he's a Lawman. Their positions are higher than the average member's, but…" She looked downward. "They've always felt dissatisfied with that - especially my father. He thought of it as 'living in his brother's shadow'. Always hated it."

"And that's where you come in?"

"And that's where I come in." Brelyna nodded, smiling. Saya wanted nothing but to wipe that pitiful smile off her face so she wouldn't have to look at it. "Like all parents, they wanted me to be better than them. Have a great life, be a great person… So they trained me. Ever since I was little, I was told that I'm going to be the best mage there ever was. Someone who'd turn the whole world upside down and live forever on the pages of history books." She laughed softly, closing her eyes. "I knew it was a load of bullshit, but I did it anyway. Dad's eyes always lit up a little when I showed him a new spell I'd learned. Mom would go out and buy something nice for us to celebrate… It was good."

Saya smiled, nodding. Her mind drifted back to her own childhood, to the way her mom would lightly scold her when she tried to do something dangerous on her own, or the way her dad would give her that tiny, proud smile of his every time he found her working on something deep into the night, stubbornly refusing to sleep until she had done the job perfectly. "What happened then?"

"The same thing that happens to every talented kid destined for greatness." Brelyna lifted her eyes finally, looking back at Saya. "I grew up. The world got big, and I wasn't all that special anymore. Everything got more difficult, and I started struggling to keep up. I…" She paused, drawing a shaky breath. "I don't remember the last time they praised me. It's a bit pathetic, isn't it?" She rubbed her eyes, laughing again. Saya didn't respond immediately, and Brelyna didn't wait. She didn't really want to hear what she already knew. Or what she thought she knew. "When it became clear to them that their guidance wasn't enough, my father gritted his teeth and asked uncle Neloth to teach me instead. I barely lasted a week before I ran away the first time. Even if I did come back eventually." Another laugh. Saya's ears twitched irritably. Keeping her expression neutral was becoming increasingly difficult. "He's unbearable, I tell you. There wasn't a day that I didn't write to my parents complaining about him. So a couple years later, they wrote back and said that I'd be going to the College of Winterhold. I'd finish my education here and… and then they'd figure out what to do with me."

Saya hummed thoughtfully, holding off her response until she was sure Brelyna was finished talking. She considered her words very, very carefully for a few seconds. Then, she drew a long breath and said: "You folks are pretty fucked in the head, huh."

Brelyna visibly recoiled. "H-Huh?"

"I mean, seriously. Your old man sounds like he's got some serious issues that he should sort out, your ma needs to seriously reconsider her choice of spouse, and your uncle… Well, I don't know enough about that one." She shrugged casually, as if she didn't insult the entire Maryon family just now. "And then there's you." She looked straight into Brelyna's eyes, as if locking onto the girl as her next target. Brelyna's breath quickened slightly.

"W-What about me?" Her expression was a mix of shock and indignation, as if she was unsure if she should be offended or not.

Saya smiled. Not wryly, but with a genuine, warm smile. "You need to figure yourself out, dummy," she said and lifted her hand, poking the Telvanni's forehead. Her face was all but burning compared to her cold hands. "Decide what you want to do with your life, and stop letting your parents ride your coattails already."

Brelyna blinked, dumbfounded. Did she hear that right just now? "Um- Isn't that…?"

"Backwards? If you say backwards, I'm pushing you off." Saya's eyes narrowed and the Telvanni felt a chill run down her back, both hands darting to the battlement she was sitting on for support. That intense look lingered on her for a few more seconds before she cracked up, laughing softly. "No, but really. The picture I'm getting here is that your parents are basically using you to up their station. That's not okay."

Brelyna opened her mouth to respond but no words came out. Is that really how it sounds? Her brows furrowed and her expression twisted into a frown. "That's… not how it is at all," she said quietly, as if she wasn't confident in her own words. "They're not making me help them. I really do want to make our lives better. I'm just… I don't know if I can." She turned to Saya again. "I know they just want me to succeed, and I want to make them happy. How is that a bad thing?"

Saya regarded her silently for a few moments before sighing. "I'm not saying that." She turned herself around, hopping off the battlement and standing on her own two feet again. "It's good that you love your family and that you're grateful to them, but… you've got to be a little more selfish, you know?" She said, almost a little bitter. Brelyna couldn't figure out what the look in her eyes meant. Saya wouldn't tell. "In the end it's still you who's putting in all this effort to make them happy. Don't you deserve some recognition for that?"

Brelyna watched her with wide eyes. The breath she held left her mouth as a forceful exhale, the next - a chuckle, and eventually a laugh. A quiet, voiceless laugh that she didn't want even herself to hear. "Effort," she said, rubbing her eyes. They were beginning to water. Must've been the cold. "And what's that effort worth if it amounts to nothing? The House only cares for results, not for the time you've spent or the troubles you've gone through to get them. Why would I want a pity prize for fumbling about and having nothing to show for it?"

"Because parental love isn't earned," Saya snapped, stepping towards the Telvanni and grabbing her by the wrist. Brelyna froze, her sour laugh becoming stuck in her throat. A tense silence came over the two of them as their eyes locked. Brelyna watched in confusion and fear as the Dragonborn's expression flashed between anger and… something else. Sympathy? Seeing her face, Saya let go of Brelyna's hand, shaking her head. "Sorry." She backed off, sighing and turning away.

Brelyna watched this outburst with a certain tension in her shoulders. She stood up from the battlements and quietly walked up behind Saya, reaching out towards her- wait. She stopped in place. Battlement. Roof. Right. We're not… She pulled the hand back, her cloak rustling quietly. Saya's ear twitched at the noise and she half-turned, putting on a calmer expression and looking at the Telvanni. Brelyna's lips tightened. "Don't… Don't say that about them," she muttered. Then, a little louder: "You don't know my parents like I do. They do love me."

"I know. But I think you deserve more reminders of that." The Dragonborn smiled slightly. She lifted her hand, placing it upon Brelyna's head and ruffling her hair. It was still a little damp, despite the Telvanni's best efforts to dry it.

Brelyna's first reflex was to move away, but all she managed was a weak flinch. All kinds of thoughts ran through her mind as she stood there, yet not one of them was a demand or even request for Saya to stop. She didn't know what to make of that information. Her face was beginning to feel hot and she didn't understand why - not until she felt Saya leave her hair alone and moved her hand down to her cheek, wiping away a stray tear rolling down her face. Brelyna lifted her head, staring at Saya with an indescribable expression.

"You're doing good, Brelyna. But you don't realize it yourself," she spoke softly, smiling as Brelyna's flushed cheeks burned her cold fingers. The girl leaned into her hand, and for a little while it almost seemed like she could fall asleep like this. "You always look for others to reassure you, to praise you, to tell you that you're doing a good job. And that's okay. But you shouldn't rely on them completely." Brelyna's eyes opened as Saya moved her hand down to her chest, poking her. "People need love to grow. From family, loved ones, friends…" Brelyna's expression soured at the word. "...and from yourself, too."

She didn't respond for some time. Ridiculous. She wondered if Saya even realized how stupid she sounded just now. Brelyna laughed weakly. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Without saying anything, she moved Saya's hand away and hugged her, hiding her face behind the Dragonborn's shoulder. After a second of hesitation, Saya returned the hug and promptly heard a quiet sniffle by her side. How can you do that to me and then say something like this? Brelyna chided her wordlessly, her arms tightening around the small frame.

"Why…" She whispered. "W-Why are you telling me this…?"

Saya thought for a moment before responding. "Because you already have everything you need. You're strong, you're smart, you're beautiful…" She closed her eyes, rubbing the girl's back in circles as she spoke. "And you already have friends who care about you. Even if you had a slight hiccup."

Brelyna bit her lip again, her nails digging into the cloth of Saya's outfit. "Hiccup?" She tried to laugh, but it sounded like a sob at best. "I almost got everyone killed. I- I called them all of those things, I…" She stumbled over her own words. Her thoughts felt erratic, messy, spinning like a kaleidoscope that burned the back of her eyes. "They hate me, they- they probably think I hate them too!" She cried, her voice cracking.

"Do you hate them?" Saya asked and Brelyna quieted down. She shook her head. "Then what's the problem?"

"...I've been horrible to them. I don't know if I can- if they would even want to talk to me again."

"They do." Saya smiled, loosening the hug just enough to look Brelyna in the eye. Though the wet streaks still remained, she didn't seem to be crying anymore. "No, really, they do. They even had an argument over who should go talk to you first and ask if you were okay... Would you prefer they hated you instead?"

"What? No, of course not!" She immediately shot back, looking at her with shock. Saya's smile grew a bit wider.

"Really?" She tilted her head. "Anger is a lot easier to deal with. It's simple, volatile. It hurts, of course, but you know where the hurt is coming from. You know what to hate back. Isn't that so much better?"

Brelyna blinked. The way she talked was almost like she wanted Brelyna to say yes. She didn't immediately understand why, searching for even the smallest clue in Saya's expression. The Dragonborn only gave her a small, enigmatic smile. And that's when it clicked. "...is that really how I looked to you?"

"You catch on quickly." Saya let go of Brelyna, backing out of the hug and putting both arms behind her back. It was a weirdly cheerful pose for her. Instead of giving her an air of authority, it only made her look even smaller than she already was. "That's what you were doing, isn't it? Telling yourself you hated everyone and nobody cared about you?" Brelyna averted her eyes as the Dragonborn gave her a knowing look. "Well let me tell you a little secret: no matter how hard you try, you don't get to decide how other people feel towards you. However!" She lifted one hand and pressed her index finger into Brelyna's forehead. "You can make things better or worse. Such as with a fight… or an apology."

Brelyna looked at her for a couple of long seconds. Saya was grinning wide, looking at her with warmth in her eyes. And yet there was a certain distance to them now, a shallowness that made her chest sting without her knowing why. "Saya?" She asked, her voice quiet and uncertain. The Dragonborn's smile shrank slightly as she looked at Brelyna with full attention. "Why did you come talk to me?"

This time, it was Saya's turn to go quiet. The smile fell from her face, and the warmth drained from her features as if it was never there. Her expression was indecipherable, and the eyes that seemed so deep and friendly to Brelyna just a moment ago suddenly felt blank and glassy. "Do you want the honest answer?"

Brelyna swallowed and nodded.

"It's because everyone else cared too much." Brelyna blinked in confusion. "I told you, didn't I? How everyone wanted to talk to you, and even had an argument over who should do it." Another smile tugged at the corner of Saya's mouth, but Brelyna didn't like it. It felt different, somehow. More cynical. "And in the end, they decided not to. They thought that talking to you would only make matters worse, that you'd only push them away more if they tried to reconnect. Do you get what I mean?" Saya stepped closer, looking Brelyna in the eye. "They were too scared of hurting you to do anything."

Brelyna's mouth tightened once more and without thinking, she lifted her hand to her chest, clutching the edge of her cloak. "...and what about you?"

"Me?" The Dragonborn pointed at herself. "Well… to be honest, I was annoyed at you lot, letting each other stew like this. So I decided if someone's gonna have to get a hold of you sooner or later, it might as well be me. And then we started talking and riling each other up and…" She scratched her cheek awkwardly. "Well, I'm not one to tell you. I think it worked out fine. Don't you?" Brelyna stared at her with an empty look. She nodded slowly, trying to ignore the ache she was feeling even as it stretched to her throat. "I mean, here we are. I'm a stranger to you, and I'm pretty sure you hate me, and yet here we are talking all-"

"I-" Brelyna cut in, but never finished the sentence. Saya stopped and glanced at her curiously, looking the girl up and down. They stared at each other silently for a little while before Brelyna looked away, wrapping her arms around herself. She was shaking. She wasn't cold. "...I don't hate you," she said, almost inaudible.

"...oh," Saya replied simply.

Once more, a heavy silence hung over them. Brelyna was really starting to feel the cold now, especially in her reddening ears. Saya shifted from foot to foot, not sure what to say or if she even should say anything. It has been… a while since she'd been in a situation even remotely similar to this. It was flattering, if uncomfortable. Part of her wanted to be blunt, but she also understood that doing that might risk undoing all the progress she had made up until now. She'd need to consider her next words very carefully to defuse the situation, and then maybe…

"You said that… People need love from others. To grow. Right?" Brelyna asked quietly, looking Saya in the eye. She was trembling slightly. Saya knew better by now than to assume it's the cold. "And that… I have people who care about me. People who worried if I was okay." Saya nodded hesitantly. Brelyna's lips tightened. "Does…" She swallowed, taking a shaky breath. "Does that… include you?"

Saya's expression remained as it was, that same blank mask of nothing that Brelyna couldn't figure out for the life of her. The longer she didn't respond, the faster she felt her heart begin to beat. Her hands curled into fists as Saya took a step towards her. Her shoulders tensed and she sank slightly in her boots the closer she approached, holding her breath without realizing it. By the time Saya was right in front of her, Brelyna had closed her eyes completely, as if bracing for something.

Then she heard a soft sigh and a pair of arms wrapped around her. Her eyes opened and she saw Saya, her face hidden in Brelyna's shoulder. "No," she said, slightly muffled. Brelyna choked up. Her voice felt more gravelly again, as if she was having trouble speaking. "You know as well as I do that this was just… an accident. I have to leave soon. You have your own troubles to go back to. And I, mine." She reached up, patting the girl on the back a couple of times before backing away. "No. I'm sorry, but I can't be that person for you."

Brelyna's arms fell limply by her sides without ever closing around Saya. Truth be told, she only half-heard what Saya was saying. However, her expression when she finally backed away said it all for her: the way her eyebrows were upturned just a little bit in silent apology; the way her mouth stretched into the faintest of smiles, almost laughable in how pitiful it was, yet still genuinely sympathetic; and the eyes, those stupid, beautiful eyes that she kept forgetting about only to get caught off-guard by them, time and time again. They said everything. They said more than what Saya could ever say.

"...I see. I'm sorry," Brelyna said.

Saya shook her head. "Don't be." She lifted her hand to gently cup the Telvanni's cheek. For a few seconds, she simply looked at her, still smiling ever so faintly as her eyes ran across every one of the girl's features. And then she leaned in, standing up on her tiptoes to give Brelyna a light peck on the cheek before stepping back with a wry smile. "I'm just not as kind of a person as you thought I was."

Brelyna's hand lifted to her face, touching the spot where the warmth still lingered. At first, she looked bewildered, and Saya couldn't help but let out a small giggle at her expression. She opened her mouth to say something, but… seeing her like that, she decided against it and simply smiled. Her eyes were watering again, but she couldn't be bothered to wipe them dry this time.

"Thank you," she whispered. Saya nodded in kind. And with those words, Brelyna left.

Saya watched her go with a silent, fragile smile that vanished the moment the Telvanni was out of sight. Her eyes lingered for a while on the empty staircase. The cold set in again - or maybe it had been there for a while now, and she just didn't notice. The wind was picking up, howling against the distant glaciers and echoing in her ears as a low hum. Saya's legs swung over the battlements and she sat down once more, staring off into the distance with a vacant look. Her eyes caught a glimpse of the twin moons, shining bright against the night sky.

She wondered why it didn't hurt as much as she expected. She wondered why she was hoping it'd hurt more.

Fredas, the 19th of Evening Star, 4E201

I woke up because of someone knocking on my door. Slept like shit, kept shaking myself awake. Hope it's not a cold. This is probably the worst time and place for me to get sick.

Brelyna made everyone breakfast. By herself. She looked like death - probably didn't get much sleep either - but very happy with herself. She made a point to apologize to everyone before we sat down to eat. It was awkward at first, but everyone got over it quickly enough. It was like everyone was waiting to forgive each other and go back to jokes and banter already. Dorks, the lot of them.

I tried not to butt in if I didn't need to. Brelyna didn't talk to me much, and I didn't initiate. Didn't want to ruin the moment, and I don't think anyone needed to hear the hows and whys anyway.

Everyone showed up to class, but Tolfdir took it easy on us. We were supposed to have a lecture, but we just ended up chatting about our projects with one another. I remembered to ask Elra what hers was: apparently, the spell she used back at Hanse's tomb was a transmutation that she's been working on recently. It allowed her to manipulate the stone around her and change its state as she needed, either making it soft and flexible like a very viscous liquid, or solidifying it and making it hard as… well, as hard as a rock. Of course, this ran the risk of completely encasing herself in stone and suffocating to death, but hey - what's practice for?

J'zargo also finally got his spell to work as intended. He tried mixing the anti-undead spells with pyromancy and created a fire cloak that would only burn undead - and do so much more effectively than either of the two on their own, leaving nothing to reanimate a second time.

Serana immediately came to mind, but she seemed to be doing her own thing off in the corner. Now that I think about it, she missed breakfast too, didn't she?

Oh right, Mirabelle also came by to tell Tolfdir of a new arrival. Judging by her tone of voice, she's less than thrilled. I guess not even master wizards are immune to the horrors of bureaucracy, the poor soul.

"Rough night?"

Onmund's innocuous question turned Brelyna's tired yawn into a cough. Her eyes darted over to the other couch in the lounge, where Saya tentatively lifted her gaze off the journal she had been scribbling in. Her shoulders moved in a light shrug and Brelyna turned to her right, laughing awkwardly: "Is it that obvious?"

"You have bags." Onmund lifted his hand and pointed at his own face. Then his eyes narrowed slightly and he tilted his head. "...is your hair different than usual? It looks more messy."

"Hey! First of all-"

"First of all, rude." Saya clasped the journal shut, turning all the heads towards her. "Haven't you ever talked to a girl in your life?" She raised a quizzical eyebrow, placing the book down in her lap and snickering. She couldn't tell which of the two of them was more flustered by her intervention.

J'zargo, who was sitting beside her, cracked a smile. "Asked the paragon of manners."

Saya turned sharply towards the Khajiit. "I will pull on your tail." She wouldn't really. "Don't tempt me."

His eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't dare." The two of them glared at each other with growing tension. Saya was the first to crack, a small smirk twisting the corner of her mouth, and both of them promptly burst into chuckles and giggles. Brelyna and Onmund joined them soon after. Elra only rolled her eyes. It was too early for this. Well past midday, but too early.

Eventually, Brelyna calmed down enough to respond. "I'm fine, don't worry," she said and yawned almost immediately after, increasing her credibility by zero. "I just… had a lot of stuff to think over and might've forgotten to sleep."

Onmund nodded along understandingly right up until the last words, upon hearing which he physically recoiled. "You what?" Brelyna winced at the volume of his voice. He looked positively horrified. "What could've been so important that you'd stay up all night?"

"Well…" Saya covertly looked away before Brelyna could meet her eye, leaving the girl to fend for herself. The Telvanni cursed internally. She thought for a moment, scratching her chin, and then said: "I decided I'll be staying for the holidays, for one. I was going to visit my parents, but… I changed my mind." She turned to him, giving him a slightly devious smile. "You people won't get rid of me that easily."

Saya and J'zargo chuckled, while Onmund swallowed nervously. "W-What's that supposed to mean? Did you do something- wait, did you put something in the food?"

The chatter was interrupted by the sound of the entrance door opening downstairs. Everyone did a mental headcount - Saya, Brelyna, Onmund, J'zargo, Elra… aha, and Serana was in her room. Had to be one of the teachers, then. Everyone subconsciously shifted in their seats at that thought. Well, everyone who wasn't Elra. That one remained sitting on the floor as she was.

Though the rooms themselves were relatively soundproof for the students' privacy, the rest of the building was quite the opposite: the hall's chambers were intentionally just spacious and barren enough that, if needed, a single shout could be heard across the entire dormitory. As such, when everyone had finally settled down, they could faintly hear Mirabella's voice echoing from downstairs, alongside an unfamiliar male one. Everyone's expression immediately soured. He didn't sound like the pleasant type.

After a few seconds of eavesdropping, it became obvious that Mirabelle was giving him the same tour that just about all of them had already heard before. Which meant that soon enough, they could already hear two pairs of footsteps going up to their floor, greeting everyone with the visage of an exasperated Mirabelle Ervine, followed by a tall newcomer - an Altmer wearing black robes with suspiciously familiar embroidery…

"Ah, and here are the rest of the students." Mirabelle's face lit up a little when she saw the group. She lifted her hand to gesture towards the Altmer beside her. "Everyone, this is Ancano, a Thalmor representative-"

"I can introduce myself just fine, thank you," he interjected almost immediately. "My name is Ancano. I am here on behalf of the Aldmeri Dominion to observe the College's research and advise the Arch-Mage on arcane matters. It's… a pleasure." His voice was practically exuding that venomous politeness that Saya recognized almost immediately. She opened the journal, lifted it closer to her face and pretended to read while watching him as his eyes scanned the room, as if evaluating everyone. He almost managed to hide his displeased expression. "And you are?"

At first, nobody responded, the tension in the room gradually thickening until the air itself felt unpleasant to breathe. "O-Onmund, sir. I'm looking forward to our time together." The Nord stood up a little too fast, giving away his anxiety. He offered him a handshake, but Ancano only stared at it with a vaguely offended look.

"Likewise," he said, not at all genuine. Onmund awkwardly retracted his hand, scratching the back of his head. Ancano's eyes drifted downwards, inspecting everyone more closely. His eyebrow twitched upon seeing J'zargo, though he made no comment. Everyone looked tense, though none were fighting to maintain their composure as hard as Saya. In her mind, she was already coming up with a plan… "Hm." He stepped closer to her, squinting. She could practically feel his gaze on her features. "Do I know you…?"

"Feim." With a single word, Saya's body became transparent and she caught just a momentary glimpse of Ancano's expression before falling through the floor. The landing was graceless, but she didn't have time to lament it as she quickly darted towards Serana's door and stepped through.

The terrified vampire dropped the book she was reading and nearly fell off the bed. "S-Saya? What in the world-"

"No time. We're in danger. Grab your stuff and let's go!" The Dragonborn said as quickly as she could, her throat still a bit sore from the Shout. Then, without waiting for her to respond, she turned around and phased through the door again. Back in her room, she immediately locked the door and tossed the journal in her hands onto the desk. She opened the closet and quickly fished out her sword and armor, latching the former onto her belt and tossing the latter into her backpack along with the journal. Mentally checking all of that off, she wondered what else she had forgotten, something important… Ah.

With a grunt, she pulled off all the sheets from her bed and lifted the mattress, revealing the wooden bedframe. There, under the head, rested a glowing cylinder - the Elder Scroll that Serana had stashed away on the very first day of their arrival. Finally, she slung the pack onto her shoulders and threw on her cloak, heading for the exit.

She opened the door just in time to see Serana standing right before her, fully dressed and with a small pack of things in her arms, panic written all over her face. Saya quickly grabbed her hand, all but dragging the girl behind herself. Then, just as they stepped into the courtyard, a number of figures in black coats entered Saya's peripheral - all of whom immediately looked at her and shouted something incoherent. With the gate cut off, the two instead ran for the main building, slamming the door shut just as an ice spike shattered against the enchanted wood.

"Would you tell me what is happening?!" Serana finally cried out when the door slammed shut. Saya's eyes were darting all over the place, considering her options before she snapped her fingers in a moment of remembrance. They did have one option.

"Thalmor. Fun bunch, went to their party once, burned down their embassy, now they want me dead." She opened the door to her left and beckoned Serana over. "I'll explain more on the way. For now, we need to get out. Quickly." Serana pursed her lips, not satisfied with the answer, but cooperated nonetheless.

Saya had been to the Midden twice, and only once with supervision. The upper levels were something of a basement area to the College, a place for conducting particularly dangerous experiments or for less urgently needed parts of the building, such as the bath. That said, the Midden itself continued much further down, and Tolfdir had repeatedly cautioned students not to wander too deep. Now, the two of them ran headfirst into the dark dungeons, dodging the icicles and the occasional skeleton lying on the floor. The winding tunnels continued down and down for what seemed like a small eternity, and Saya's magical light had gone out multiple times by the time she had found that single coveted trapdoor - and leapt straight in, Serana soon following.

The landing was less than graceful. It couldn't have been made more obvious that the exit was not used often, otherwise the floor would not have been frozen ten times over until all that remained was a rough patch of ice that Saya landed on with a thud and a pained groan - and just in case that wasn't enough, Serana landed right onto her just a couple seconds later. "Sorry!" The vampire sputtered, standing up quickly and offering the Dragonborn a hand.

Saya looked at the hand, then at Serana's face, and pulled herself up with a grunt. "T-Thanks…" A shiver ran through her body when she noticed just how cold the air was around her. The heartbeat was still fast and strong in her ears, and she gave herself a moment to calm down, scanning her surroundings.

The sky was a swiftly darkening shade of purple, with only the horizon turning a half-hearted pink as the winter sun was well on its way out. Everywhere she could immediately see was water, the two of them standing on what seemed like a small isle not really meant for humans. The nearest patch of mainland was some hundred meters to the south, and to the north - only ice, covering the water in a thick sheet that grew less and less fractured the farther off it went.

And finally, her eyes stopped on Serana again, who looked as lost as she could be. Worry dominated her features as always, but there was also uncertainty, confusion, frustration. Now that Saya thought about it, she hadn't said a word of protest this entire time, had she?

"Can… Can you explain what's going on now?" She asked, her voice shaking a bit.

Saya smiled slightly, nodding. "Alright. How much do you know about racial nationalism?"

Well… I guess the timeline has moved up a little. Off into the ice fields we go, to find a single person who may or may not be alive, stranded in the fuck-ass of nowhere. My one saving grace is Aura Whisper: with two words, I should be able to find out exactly what Septimus is. The problem is, though, I still need to be within a reasonable distance of him, and if I knew which direction that is then I probably wouldn't need the stupid Shout to begin with.

Jumping from ice sheet to ice sheet is about as fun as it sounds - which is not at all, after the first two minutes. I'm probably just one big bruise under my clothes. My head's starting to spin, too, which is never a good sign. I swear, if I've actually jinxed it and I'm sick… Well, then there's fuck all I can really do about it, is there? I'll have to ask Serana if she has anything in that bag of hers to ease my suffering. Preferably not poison.

Foul. No other word in any of the languages Saya knew could more aptly describe the taste of the mixture she just drank. Her throat constricted as if her own body rejected the concoction and she fought the urge to cough everything back up. It was truly a battle for the ages, won only through the power of sheer will and a barrage of unspoken curse words. The medicine burned her throat on the way down and an unpleasant tingling sensation ran up her nose immediately after. Saya fully expected it to be some monstrous personification of her illness, crawling out of her to flee the liquid terror she'd just swallowed but alas, it was only snot.

"H-Handkerchief, blease…" She put a hand to her face, stretching out the other arm in Serana's general direction. A few moments later, she felt a cold hand place a piece of soft cloth in her palm, and she wasted no time using it to blow her nose clean. Wretched Blights, did my brain come out or something? She wiped her face with whatever parts of the cloth remained clean before tossing it aside. "Thank you…" Saya groaned in a pitiful voice and promptly crawled back into her bedroll, sniffling.

Serana did not respond, regarding the Dragonborn with a blank gaze that she was probably lucky not to see. Saya's fever had gotten worse, peaking right around the time they managed to find shelter for the night. It was a cave - a small, cold, half-frozen little space inside a rocky isle, lost at sea where nothing but the icy waters accompanied it. They didn't even have anything to make a fire. It was all stone or ice, wherever they went. The only saving grace was the thought of their goal not being much farther.

Though, that thought wasn't as comforting now, when Saya was lying in a musty sleeping bag that had gone damp with sweat. Consciousness came to her with great difficulty, and each second of it she spent wondering why she bothered. Sleep is the best medicine right? Or so the proverb went. And yet, as alluring as Vaermina's embrace seemed, Saya couldn't shake off a sense of alarm that came with exhaustion, a sort of primal instinct to try and stay awake just a minute longer, to keep a strong grip on her mind and body while she still could.

That said, she wasn't really scared of dying in her sleep. She figured Serana would probably do something before it came to that. Though, she didn't really stop to wonder how Serana herself felt about this entire situation. She opened one eye, searching the chamber. The vampire wasn't too far away, though not so close that she was within arm's reach either. She was reading something - one of the books from the Arcaneum? They'd have to come by and return it later…

"How far along are you?" Serana's gaze stopped, but she didn't turn towards Saya. "With the book, I mean. Have you been reading it for long?"

Serana took her time thinking of a response. Somehow, the sound she made felt different than usual, less pleasant to the ear. "Two days. I am just past the halfway point," she said quickly, without taking her eyes off the text. Must be one interesting book.

"Huh. You're a quick reader," Saya mused, turning on her side in her sleeping roll. Her hair was sticking to her face a bit, but it wasn't difficult to brush away. "What's it about?" She asked. Serana didn't react in any visible manner. "Is it-"

"Shouldn't you be resting?" Serana finally lowered her book, looking Saya straight in the eye as she spoke. There was a cold finality to her question, one that didn't invite any kind of answer. Saya's smile gradually slipped off her face upon seeing the vampire's politely neutral expression. The kind that one would wear when greeting a stranger.

"...sorry," she mumbled awkwardly, lowering her eyes and pursing her lips. There it was again, that feeling. She couldn't get the images of today out of her head. Her locked door and terrified face when she dropped into her room. The lounge, so full there were barely enough seats for everyone yet so oddly empty because of just one missing person. After what must've been almost a full minute of silence, Saya spoke again: "It just looked like something was bothering you, so I… well, nevermind."

Serana threw another look in Saya's direction. This one lingered a little longer than the last. With a small sigh, she closed the book and placed it down in her lap, staring blankly at some cavern wall. It was quite dark without a fire, only little candlelights that shimmered against the ice providing any kind of comfort. She'd contemplated extinguishing them a couple of times, letting the chamber go black and simply waiting for the sun to rise, yet every time Saya tossed and turned in her sleeping bag she found herself reconsidering. She couldn't just leave her alone in her sorry state. She couldn't…

"I heard what happened between you and Brelyna."

The words sank into the silence like a rock dropped into a well. Saya opened her eyes fully, the tiredness vanishing from her features. So she knew. She wasn't sure what to do with that information. "Huh," she said, if only to break the silence. She turned over, trying to look at Serana's face. "Did Brelyna tell you?"

"No," the vampire replied immediately. Saya raised a confused brow. Serana sighed and tapped her ear. "I told you, did I not? I heard what happened."

"...ah. Right." Saya lowered her eyes. She had almost forgotten who - or maybe 'what' would be more appropriate - she had been traveling with. Her mind drifted back to the flask. Did Serana have enough for the time being? She was getting distracted. "And… what do you think?"

If looks could hurt, then the eyes with which Serana looked at her would be a stab in the gut. The way her nose wrinkled and her brows furrowed screamed with an emotion Saya couldn't figure out in her state. Then, the vampire turned away, drawing a deep, calming breath before saying: "...I thought you better than that."

I'm just not as kind of a person as you thought I was.

Saya's own words echoed in her mind. The image of Brelyna's eyes, still puffy from crying yet already watering once again. Maybe she was hoping that the darkness of night would hide it. "We… both knew it was a mistake the moment it was over. You don't need to tell me that." Serana exhaled sharply through her nose. Saya pursed her lips. "What do you want me to do, write a letter and apologize?"

"I am not the one you should be asking." Serana's voice was calm - impersonal, even. But there was a hint of venom under it all. Saya didn't think she even could speak like that. "I don't want you to do anything. You asked me a question and I answered, that is all."

"Okay, you need to stop with that." Saya crawled partway out of her sleeping bag, sitting up. Her body was immediately hit with a strong chill and she hissed, taking a few deep breaths to get used to the temperature before she looked at Serana with narrowed eyes. "Whatever happened between Brelyna and I is between the two of us. If something is bothering you then tell me what I can do to help, but if not-"

"Why doesn't it bother you?" Serana interrupted her, glaring at the Dragonborn. "Of course, I am bothered by it, and I would wager that Brelyna is as well. But you seem all too content with the results. Or do you simply feel like you've done nothing wrong in this situation?"

You know as well as I do that this was just… an accident.

Saya's fingers tightened around the fabric of her bedroll. She would be lying if she said she felt no guilt at all. But at the same time, Brelyna's feelings were her own to sort out. Saya's continued involvement would only make it more difficult for her. "It's not that simple," she eventually said. Saya's head was bowed down, her eyes closed in recollection. Her grip grew just a little tighter. "I didn't want to hurt her-"

"Hurt?" Serana echoed the word, her voice cracking. Saya's eyes opened in surprise and she turned to the vampire, whose expression was somewhere between baffled and repulsed. Something inside her broke when she realized those were the eyes she looked at her with. "Hurt is something you forget. It's something that disappears after a while, out of sight and out of mind. But you did so much more than just hurt."

Saya blinked. "What-"

"Yesterday, it was a bruise. Today, a wound. Tomorrow, a scar." Serana stood up while she talked, setting her book aside on the bedroll. "And even after a thousand tomorrows, it'll never, ever fully disappear. It might've been just a chance encounter to you, some 'mistake' that you'll regret for a few days and then forget like it was nothing. But she never will. Do you even know how that feels?"

…I see. I'm sorry. Thank you.

Saya's hands relaxed- no, went limp at the thought. She ran away right after, didn't she? She left her alone on that rooftop, not wanting the Dragonborn to see her face. What did she do that night after? She never went to sleep, she could tell. And yet her 'good morning' was still full of warmth, and she never said a word about the night they spent, or about anything else. Saya thought she was keeping quiet not to ruin the moment she had created, but… who was she to say Brelyna wasn't doing the same?

"I-"

"Disgusting," the word left Serana's mouth with such emotion that it stabbed Saya's ears. Disgust. That's the look that she had been giving her this whole time. "It feels abhorrent. It feels like something inside you was broken, and for the rest of your life you will be stuck picking up the pieces, watching them turn to dust one by one until you're left empty, alone, and numb. A stranger in your own body." Saya did not even notice her approach until Serana was already standing right in front of her, covering her own magical lights. Even in that shadow, she could see the vampire's face. She didn't want to remember it. "That is what you did. And now you have the gall to say you didn't want to hurt her?"

Saya felt her shoulders sink a bit with every word, an ugly sort of guilt building up inside of her gut. At first, she almost wanted to apologize. Even her eyes were beginning to sting in that familiar way that foreshadows the coming tears. But then… Wait. Body? What does her body have to do with anything? She lifted her head and Serana almost recoiled at her dumbfounded look. "What- What are you on about?"

For an instant, Serana's grimace shifted into a look of confusion not unlike her own. Then immediately after, it turned to rage. "You…" She looked like she was at a loss of words, kneeling and grabbing Saya by the collar. Much to the Dragonborn's surprise, she actually managed to lift her up a bit in spite of her frail looks. "There's not a word for what you are. You're going to sit here and act like you've done nothing-"

"I said, what the hell are you on about?" Saya grabbed the vampire's hands, grunting. Her head was starting to throb like the Prince of Fools himself was tap-dancing in her skull, and her efforts to free herself did little more than agitate Serana further. "Yeah, I rejected her, is that what you want me to say?! Sure, I guess I could've done it more tactfully - but what's done is done, and it's not like I'm the scum of the earth for it!"

"...rejected?" Serana asked quietly. An awkward silence fell upon the two of them as the anger slowly vanished from her features and her brows furrowed again, now bewildered. "What do you mean 'rejected'?"

Saya blinked. "Uh… rejected. As in, told her I don't feel the same way about her. On the rooftop?" She asked, tilting her head slightly. Serana echoed the word 'rooftop' in a whisper, staring at the Dragonborn like she had just said something completely out of this world. The gears were starting to slowly turn in their heads, each one searching for a clue of what's going on in the other's expression. "Is… Isn't that what you were talking about?"

Serana shook her head unconfidently. "N-No, no I…" She trailed off, her grip on Saya's shirt loosening somewhat. She looked troubled, to say the least. "I thought…" She stood up, letting go of Saya completely, and backed away. Saya herself was not much better, struggling to piece together what this whole thing was about. She thought back to what Serana had said, and the more she thought the less sense it all seemed to make.

Until it all clicked.

But you did so much more than hurt.

Why doesn't it bother you?

There's not a word for what you are.

It feels like something inside you was broken.

A stranger in your own body.

I heard what happened between you and Brelyna.

"...Serana?" She called out, her voice shaking a little. She didn't want to hear the answer, she didn't want to know, she didn't- Serana turned around. Saya drew a shaky breath. "What did you think happened last night?"

The two stared at each other silently for what seemed like an eternity. The vampire was the first to turn away. Saya's knuckles turned white with exertion and her nails dug into the fabric.

"Serana," she said again, louder this time. The vampire turned to her slowly, her expression unreadable. Saya looked her straight in the eye with a grim sense of resolve. "Tell me exactly what you heard that night. All of it."

Once more, there was silence. Saya felt anger beginning to bubble at the back of her mind. She had a hunch. She didn't want to be right. But if she was, she wanted to hear it from her, in her own words. She wasn't about to start throwing around accusations, no matter how likely they seemed. That was not a luxury she could afford in her sorry state.

"...I came into my room after dinner. The one next to Brelyna's," Serana began. Her voice was small and quiet, without even a hint of that confrontational tone from before. She sounded almost like a child being scolded. In a way, she probably felt like one. "After a couple hours, I heard your voice from behind the door, telling her to open up, and she was shouting back profanities. You banged on the door and told her something, and…" She paused, pushing down the trembling in her voice. "...and then she let you in."

Saya nodded shakily. "Keep going."

Serana's mouth thinned into a line and she lowered her eyes. "I heard the two of you fighting. Sometimes, you would go quiet, other times I could hear almost every word…" Saya grimaced slightly, remembering some of the things they've said to each other. They really wanted it to hurt, both of them. She didn't even know why. "And then, I heard Brelyna trying to kick you out. You put your foot in the door when she tried to close it, came back in and locked the door, and…" Her expression grew darker and darker with each word she spoke. A vividly repugnant picture was being painted in Saya's head.

She swallowed hard. "A-And then?"

"I h-heard… noises. Someone hitting the door, the bed creaking… Brelyna cursing and shouting things at you." Serana's voice cracked and she looked like she had physically shrunk. She was barely audible by then, but the cave walls made sure she would hear her damn well, each word echoing in her mind like an alarm. "...and then you left, and she was crying. Alone. So…"

Serana lifted her eyes and almost immediately felt the urge to look away again. The feverish blush had disappeared from Saya's features - on the contrary, she looked pale, a sickly grey that just didn't look right on a living person. She was sitting motionlessly, not even looking at Serana but somewhere past her, her wide eyes completely devoid of focus or any kind of self-control. Her lips stretched as she opened her mouth, a disturbing smile devoid of glee or humor, serving only to accent the despair in her words as she said:

"You… really thought I would do something like that?"

Something inside Serana physically hurt upon hearing her voice. A choked exhale escaped Saya's throat and she hid her face in her hands. She sobbed and laughed in the same breath, nails digging into her scalp and fingers grasping at the damp hair. The vampire took a cautious step forward, reaching out towards her. "I…"

"Leave me alone." She flinched. Even looking at Saya directly, she wouldn't have thought it was her speaking with how hollow the voice sounded. "Please?"

Saya didn't get to see Serana's expression twist at hearing her request. Only the echoing sound of increasingly distant footsteps let her know that she was finally alone. And it was only then that Saya truly let her voice out, an ugly thing that bled with pain as tears rolled down her cheeks, burning the cold and filthy skin. It hurt. It hurt more than she thought, more than she could deal with, more than she could understand. The unreal images played through her head on repeat and she wanted to vomit, disgust twisting her stomach and squeezing her lungs. It took all her strength not to.

Only the faintest echoes of that struggle reached Serana outside, in the howling wind. She hadn't realized how cold the night really was, until then.