She awoke to a buzzing hum of noise. She heard the drone of the TV news, interspersed occasionally with another noise. Laughter.
"…Jack Ryder reporting live from Arkham Asylum, where during the night three master criminals escaped from this supposedly secure facility. Eye-witnesses claim that Pamela Isley, also known as Poison Ivy, was seen fleeing the scene around midnight with the homicidal maniac known only as the Joker. Guards were unable to detain them, and also failed to detain Dr. Harleen Quinzel, otherwise known as Harley Quinn, who made a successful escape attempt about half an hour later. Witnesses claim that Quinzel at least is armed and dangerous, apparently shouting threats of revenge and violence against Isley. No one is clear on the details of this sudden and brutal desire for vengeance – Isley and Quinzel have often worked together as criminal allies. We can only assume this aggression has something to do with the Joker, Quinzel's on-again, off-again lover, who was spotted with Isley. Their whereabouts still unknown, all of Gotham is advised to beware, and report any sightings or information immediately to the GCPD…"
Laughter again. Ivy tore her eyes away from the TV, which was flashing images of her across the screen, along with Joker and Harley. She found she was still tied up, and lying on a bed. Opposite her was the TV, and watching from the corner was the Joker, seated in a chair and cackling to himself.
"We made the morning headlines, Pammie!" he laughed. "Bet Batsy will love watching that over his breakfast! He'll be just as baffled as all the rest of them! Probably choke on his cornflakes!"
"Joker, you let me go now," growled Ivy. "I have to find Harley and explain all this."
"Don't really think she'll be in the mood to talk to you, Pammie," he replied, grinning. "Didn't you hear the man on the news? Armed and dangerous, and shouting threats of revenge and violence against you. There's no reasoning with Harley when she gets like that."
"This is all your doing, and you're going to explain it to her," said Ivy, firmly. "You're going to tell her why you broke her heart just to get back at me. And then I'm going to beat you into the ground."
"I admire your optimism, Pammie, I really do," he replied, smiling. "But the fact is you're tied up here, and you're not getting free. We're both just going to sit here and wait for Harley to find us. Which she will, soon. And then she's going to kill you. And it's going to be hilarious."
"This isn't funny, clown!" hissed Ivy. "Let me go now!"
He looked at her, then shook his head. "Nope, don't think you've learned your lesson yet. It's not nice to start rumors about people, is it, Pammie? Not nice to try to deceive people, to make things seem true when they're not, is it?"
"It was just a stupid joke!" she shouted. "It was payback for you killing my babies! Payback for something you started! But this isn't a joke, Joker! Harley is seriously in pain, and you don't even care!"
"Sure I care, Pammie," he replied. "I care enough to let her relieve that pain by killing you. Otherwise I'd just do it myself. It would be lots of fun. But I'm sacrificing my own pleasure for Harley's sake. That makes me a real catch of a boyfriend."
"You are complete and utter scum!" hissed Ivy. "And I realize I'm insulting scum when I say that! Harley has always deserved better than you! And if she really is coming to kill me, I'll make sure the last words I ever say to her are leave that creep! Maybe she'll remember them!"
"Breaking news, reports are flooding in that Miss Selina Kyle has been attacked in her West Gotham penthouse," came the voice of Jack Ryder from the TV screen. "The assailant seen fleeing the scene appears to be none other than Dr. Harleen Quinzel, otherwise known as Harley Quinn, who escaped from Arkham Asylum earlier this morning. Miss Kyle is being rushed to Gotham Hospital. The motivation for the attack is still unknown, updates as we receive them…"
"Aw, looks like Kitty didn't land on her feet!" chuckled Joker. "Way to go, Harley baby! Didn't even know she had a grudge against the Kitty cat. But maybe she's just in a violent mood – God, I love it when she gets like that! She's completely insaitiable!"
He giggled, rubbing his hands together. Ivy stared at the screen. If Harley had been to see Selina, it could only mean that she had found out the truth about the rumor, and who had started it. Joker was right. Harley was going to kill her.
She shut her eyes, leaning back against the bed. How had things got so far out of control? She guessed she had herself to blame, to an extent. It would teach her to try to get revenge on the clown. That didn't mean she regretted anything, or would do anything different if she had the chance to do things over. She had brought the clown down for a little while, and that was an achievement. People would remember her for that, if nothing else. It wasn't a very comforting thought.
"Where's Clayface?" she asked.
"How should I know? I gave him his freedom after we busted out," he replied. "That was part of the deal, along with a couple grand. It was good of old Bas to help me out, though – he's a real sport. And really enjoyed playing you, as far as I can tell."
"I guess I'm a colorful character," agreed Ivy. Silence fell between the two of them again. "How long do you think it will take Harley to get here?" she asked.
"If she came straight from Kitty's penthouse, maybe about half an hour?" he replied. "Give or take. And assuming she doesn't run into any trouble on the way."
"Right. So I should be enjoying my last few minutes alive," sighed Ivy. "Can't really think of any regrets, which I guess is good. Wish I could have killed you somewhere along the line, for Harley's sake."
"The feeling's mutual, Pammie," he retorted. "Not for Harley's sake, although you should have poked your nose out of our business a long time ago. But mostly because I hate you."
"Yeah, and I hate you," replied Ivy. "At least we can agree on something at the end."
The sound of scuffling came from outside. Joker chuckled. "That'll be my Harley girl! Places, Pammie!"
"And what exactly…" she began, but Joker had already seized her and kissed her again, slicing a knife down the ropes that held her. Finding herself free, Ivy ripped herself away from him and struck him violently across the face, knocking him to the ground.
"No!" shrieked Harley, who had burst into the room, eyes blazing. "Don't you dare hit him, Ivy! That's our thing, dammit! You won't steal our thing!"
"I don't want your thing, and I don't want him!" shouted Ivy, rounding on her. "You talked to Selina! You know now why he's set all this up! Yes, I lied about starting that rumor! It's the only time I've ever lied to you, and I promise you I'm not lying now when I tell you I don't want the disgusting creep, and neither should you!"
She raised a fist to hit him again, when Harley grabbed her hand and pulled her away from him. "I said don't!" she shrieked. "How can I trust a word you say, Ivy, when you lied to me about that rumor?!"
"He's lied to you countless times, and you trust him!" shouted Ivy, throwing a finger at the Joker. "You're not stupid, Harley, but you are being dumb if you can't see that he's set all of this up as payback!"
"I saw what I saw, Red!" she shrieked, holding up her gun. "And you're dead!"
"Harley, put the gun down and listen to me," said Ivy, holding up her hands. "It was Clayface! He was impersonating me, because Joker paid him to! You remember when they were chatting about business? That was what they were talking about! Can you honestly believe everything I ever told you was a lie?! That I used you just to get close to the clown?!"
"Yeah? Where's Karlo, then?" demanded Harley.
"I don't know…"
"Then it's not a very likely story, is it, Ivy?" she demanded.
"It's more likely than me being in love with Joker!" she shouted.
"You're going to leave Mr. J alone!" hissed Harley. "He doesn't want you, Ivy, you get that?! He wants me! He's always wanted me!"
"Harley, I don't want him…"
"I don't believe you!" she shrieked, tears in her eyes. "I want to, but I don't!"
"You should," said a voice from the shadows. They all three started to see Batman emerging from the darkness. "I've just apprehended Karlo. He's back in custody. He told me the truth. If you don't trust Ivy, Harley, trust him. And me."
"Oh, why do you always have to show up and spoil the fun!" shouted Joker, furiously. "It was just getting good, Bats! Harley was just going to blow Ivy's brains out!"
"I know. But Ivy's telling the truth, Harley," he said, approaching her. "Your boyfriend's the liar."
"Why should I trust you, Bats?" she snapped, pointing the gun at him. "Why should I trust anyone but Mr. J? Ivy lied to me about that rumor…"
"And Joker's lied to you now," interrupted Batman. "I'm not lying, Harley. I don't lie. That's why people trust me."
He held out his hand. "Give me the gun. You don't really want to shoot anyone here."
Harley looked at him, then Ivy, then Joker. "Is that true, puddin'?" she murmured. "You set this up just to hit back at Ivy for making up that rumor?"
He shrugged. "It was just a gag, baby. A joke."
"A joke," she repeated, staring at him. "It broke my heart, you selfish bastard!" she shrieked, rushing at him. Batman seized the gun from her as she passed, but she leapt on Joker and knocked him to the ground, choking him.
"Save some for me, Harley!" said Ivy, rushing over to pummel him.
"Little…help…Bats?" gasped Joker, trying to fend the women off.
Batman slowly went over to them and cuffed Harley and Ivy. "Let's go, ladies," he said.
"You lying, heartless, evil monster!" shrieked Harley as Batman dragged her away. "I'm not forgiving you for this, Mr. J! This is the last straw! You hear me?! We're through!"
"Atta girl, Harley!" exclaimed Ivy.
"You don't talk to me either, Red!" she snapped. "I ain't forgiven you for starting that rumor! You should both be ashamed of yourselves! You act like children and the only person who gets hurt is me! I don't believe either one of you cares about me! C'mon, Bats, let's go back to Arkham!" she said, taking his arm.
Batman cuffed Joker and Ivy at separate ends of the room and then left with Harley. "I'll be back for you both shortly," he muttered.
Both Ivy and Joker were in a huff. "Are you happy now?" snapped Joker.
"No," she retorted. "Are you?"
"Do I look happy?" he snapped. "None of this went according to plan! It never does, with Bat-boy around! He always has to show up and spoil my fun!"
"Is your fun all you ever think about?" demanded Ivy. "We've both really hurt Harley, J! Don't you care?! I do!"
"Aw, she'll come round. She always does," he muttered.
"That's not the point! You should feel guilty for hurting her! You remember what guilt feels like, J?!"
"Is it a pain in the ass?!" he shouted. "Because I'm certainly feeling that right now!"
"I will gag you two," snapped Batman, re-entering the room. "Although from what I hear, Joker, you might enjoy that."
Poison Ivy burst out laughing. "It's not funny, Bats," growled Joker.
"You're always saying I have no sense of humor," he retorted, grinning slightly. "But I laughed. Nice joke, Ivy."
"Thank you, Batman," she replied, smiling at him. "You may escort us back to Arkham, if you like. You're right, J, it is nice to have an appreciative audience."