CARTMAN'S LETTER

One month. One long stinking month had gone by and each day that had passed Cartman felt like he had gotten beaten by a hammer. Thirty days exactly since Stan had been buried yet the memories were as fresh as it could be for anyone. He tried so hard to deny he was saddened by the events. Tried so damn hard to forget it and shrug it off but for some reason memories of Stan both good and bad flooded his mind every hour of every day. It sickened him and he wanted it to stop. He never cared this much when Kenny had died, then again there was always that thought he would be coming back soon. Cartman never showed he cared about anyone but himself and on occasion his mother and Mr. Kitty. His friends were way out of the picture; he hardly considered them friends since he got on horribly with them.

Not Stan though. Ever since they were four he had treated him better than the rest. He considered Kenny his 'go-to friend' simply because Stan was already taken by Kyle. But Stan was always nicer to him than anyone, he liked to play with him and found a lot of his jokes funny. He would stick up for him once in a while when the Jew shot down something Cartman said. Stan was in ways more of a friend than Kenny and as each day went by the large boy was reminded of the relationship he had indeed lost.

Life had not gotten any easier for Cartman once Stan died in July. For a short while he had been feeling different than other boys in his class and to this day didn't really know what they meant. He was never the one who really paid much attention to the girls in class, they were all bitches anyway. He had his few crushes but those girls he did have his eyes on hated his guts. He had only tried talking to one girl in Jr. High during PE only to be shot down.

"What the fuck? You'd rather go with Mike Gordson? He's a fat piece of shit too!" he cried. Why did Kenny and so many other boys make dating look easy?

"At least he tries to lose the weight, and it shows. You do nothing but sit on your huge ass each day and do nothing," the girl crossed her arms.

"Hey bitch, I would lose the weight if I wanted to!"

"And he's not a raciest idiot. So stop talking to me you creep."

It made Cartman feel silly now; it was just another stupid bitch, why had he wasted his time? Girls sucked anyway, too high maintenance. But boys… this is what confused him. For some odd reason he had found himself checking out the occasional boy here and there for a few months now. He didn't even realize he was doing it! And he didn't feel anything for any of them, but he did wish he knew why he thought Jesse Craver had great hair. The homosexual thoughts did not let up and it was making him more angry and confused than ever before. And that's where it landed him that cold day, August 19th.

Cartman slowly opened the door to his house, wincing as he shut it behind him. Liane Cartman came down the stairs upon hearing her son's arrival; she gasped at what she saw.

"Eric! What happened?" she came running forward but he shook her off. He was covered in scrapes and bruises and his shirt was ripped. A trail of blood ran from his nose.

"Back off Mom, it's none of your business," he said roughly.

"But Eric, you're covered in bruises and are bleeding. Tell me what happened."

"Nothing okay? Just leave me the fuck alone woman!" he had been extremely short with everyone. He went up to his room and slammed his bedroom door. Those fucking idiots. All he wanted to do was eat his ice cream cone at the park and before he knew it a few of Craig Tucker's friends jumped him. He had met other assholes like him in Jr. High and they liked picking on the weird ones. Cartman had been sitting on one of the benches at the park and before he knew it, one of the boys, Chris Young, came charging his way.

"What the fuck is your problem tubbo?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Cartman glared.

"Why the fuck were you looking at me like that?"

"Like what? What the fuck are you talking about you piece of trash?"

The other boys had come over now.

"I saw it too Chris, I saw his eyes. He wants to fuck you in the asshole," smirked the other boy, Morton.

Chris had grabbed Cartman's shirt. "Is that true fatass? You wanna fuck me? We all know how you look at boys. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I wasn't doing anything you asses," Cartman smacked the hand away. Really, he couldn't remember staring at Chris. Was he? He did have a nice frame and nice eyes even if he treated others like shit. Before he knew it a fight had broken out; Craig, Chris, and Morton started throwing punches and calling him a sick fat homo. And he was left to walk home bruised and bloody. He hated it so much. He wasn't gay, he wasn't. He knew he liked girls too, he knew he was still attracted to plenty even if they would never go for him. Why was his brain doing this to him? He wasn't gay, why did it get him into trouble like this? It had been the first time he had been attacked by others about it. Since the stronger of the feelings occurred only a couple months ago, school had just ended so he didn't really see many boys. He hardly left his room. Now he didn't want to leave his house period, things like this were only bound to happen again.

Cartman sank on his bed, fingers itching to punch something. Maybe a punching bag would make for a good Christmas present that year. Suddenly a very soft 'mew' was heard and a furry head with pointed ears poked out from under his bed. The tabby hopped on his bed and rubbed against his hand once. Cartman sighed and regretfully stroked Chelsea the cat. His good friend Stan had given him her after he had died a month ago. Cartman still hated the fact he was now in charge of the animal; he had his own cat Mr. Kitty. Something like looking out for what his best friend said was 'the most important thing in my life' was a huge responsibility that he didn't want.

"What do you want?" the fat boy grumbled to the cat. She just rubbed against him again. It had been extremely difficult to keep this cat the past month. Every time Cartman looked into her blue eyes he saw Stan's. He almost felt like the boy was living through his cat but that was silly, she was her own separate thing and had her own soul, no way could Stan's live on inside her. But he always felt Stan was watching him whenever the cat was. Looking at him, judging him. Sleep on him during those nights when the pain and frustration were too much to handle. Chelsea was a constant reminder of what he had lost, the reason behind most of his pain.

He didn't want to pretend any longer, he missed Stan. He was a good person to have as a friend. Always listened to him even if what he was saying was ridiculous. So many times in the past Cartman would say something and Stan would believe. So many wonderful childhood memories of playing pirates, Space Rangers, Star Wars, wild animals, detectives, laundry mat owners, and anything else that came to mind. The pair of them had gotten a lot closer the past couple years though and Cartman assumed Stan's illness made him see just what a great kid he was. Just like Shelley, who started to become nicer to her brother, they never saw just how special Stan was until the end.

And this is where more anger surged. Cartman found he really enjoyed the times spent with Stan; he was his best friend the past two years. They did get along great. And as time went by Cartman couldn't help but record how Stan's eyes had changed. From deep blue full of mystery to being masked by glasses, to finally a dull blue-gray. He always had such nice eyes that held all his emotions. And as Cartman began questioning his sexuality, he began thinking of Stan in ways he hadn't before. From his beautiful eyes to his boyish grin. His trouble-making streak to his super-sweet side. His big heart and great sense of humor. Why didn't he notice these before? Each day since Stan's funeral Cartman had played the song 'Into the Ocean' by Blue October and couldn't help but grasp his chest for it reminded him of what he had lost. Stan. But he didn't like boys, Stan was such a great person his brain was trying to convince him he could have been a potential lover. It made no sense.

He was not gay, he was not. He was just at an age when kids began finding out about their sexual preferences, nothing else. He was sure other boys were just as confused as him. Going into those teenage years his brain was just learning all it could and prepping him for the real world, giving false thoughts so when the time came he really knew what he wanted. And it just so happened to be that Stan was the perfect vessel for those feelings. Like anything would ever happen between him and that hippie if he were still alive? It made him chuckle. He was just his cool friend Stan. Cartman then frowned when he saw Chelsea bolt from his bed and run to his desk. She did that usual cat-butt shake before leaping up on it. She began to meow.

"What do you want?" he grumbled, walking to her. She mewed again and pawed at the lower drawer. "What? There's nothing for you in there, stupid cat." Again she pawed before letting out another meow and finally sitting poised, staring at him. Cartman really wished cats didn't stare the way they did, it was kind of creepy. Knowing he didn't have anything better to do he went to open it like she seemed to want him to. A small pile of papers and whatnot sat inside. He set down the first few. "What?" he asked again. Chelsea blinked slowly before looking at the letters and looking back at him. Only then did Cartman seem to know what she wanted- the beige corner of an envelope sticking out.

Eric C. was written on top. It was a letter from Stan, written to him before he had died. He had never been able to read it, it was simply asking too much. He was afraid of what it held. Words of why he was such an ass? Wouldn't surprise him but he wished it wasn't. Words of how cool he was? Well, as nice as that would be it would be really gay and Cartman did not want to feel any more of those confusing feelings. But Chelsea seemed to want to know what it was and perhaps now was the best time to read. Either way he wouldn't like how he'd feel after. Cartman took a seat on his bed and after a minute Chelsea followed.

"Let's see what- what your lame owner wrote hm?" he said softly. Chelsea just sat and stared.

Cartman-

Hey dude. I've decided to write everyone a letter, so laugh all you want.

Cartman didn't smile.

Anyway, if you are reading this that means I have died. Either that or you've gone rummaging through my stuff or something.

Cartman grinned at this.

Look, I was going to write you a letter even if we didn't bond the past few years. But since we did this letter will actually be quite positive.

That weird happy feeling crept up Cartman's throat.

I want to thank you for being my 'bro' all these years Cartman. But I want to get out the bad stuff before the good stuff so bear with me…

Look, you're a fat, racist, spoiled, evil, horrible person and you know it.

"Ay!" Cartman cried out. "That little prick! What the fuck is he thinking saying that? Fuck you Stan!"

I have no idea why you are the way you are. Maybe it is all because your mom refuses to discipline you and be a mother, rather than your best friend. But I feel you were doomed from birth.

This really wasn't a great start so far and Cartman debated if it were even worth it to continue. But those sharp eyes of Chelsea made him go on for again; it felt as if Stan were looking out through her.

Sure, you responded well for a short while when that Dog Whisperer guy showed up. But I had a feeling it wouldn't last. I wanted it to- I told Kyle I thought you changed for the good, but I had my misgivings. Look, this isn't about your behavior. Just you in general. It really pissed me off, seeing you degrade women the way you did. My dad already belittles my mom, and I know women are a lot smarter and stronger than ego-tastic men like to think they are.

Cartman frowned. It made sense in principal but it didn't change his thoughts at that moment. Men and women were stupid. He was just too used to women to bring them down. Nothing but slutty bitches.

You owe your mother a huge apology dude.

"What?" Cartman's mouth was open. What in the hell did he just say?

This woman gave birth to you. Fed (overfed) you, cleaned you, bathed you, took care of you when you were sick, got you out of trouble, bought you shit… I hope one day you give her the respect she deserves.

Cartman huffed and rolled his eyes; his mother didn't need him to say that stuff. He hated how Stan became more mature as time went on and he respected his own mother a lot more. Easy for him really, Mrs. Marsh wasn't some skank who had sex with anyone she could. Kids never gave a shit about their mothers, right?

Racist thing… well, everyone's a little racist somehow or another. But dude, you're just evil. The way you only think of yourself no matter what the situation…I still can't believe our first encounter with each other in preschool involved you taking Ruffy from me and taunting me with him till I cried. But you became cool during my 4th birthday.

Cartman smirked.

But I hate so much how you would rather sit on your ass eating chips instead of helping a person in need. Greed's gonna catch up to you one day dude if you don't stop it.

Cartman growled. The stupid hippie. Did he really have nothing better to do as he laid dying in the hospital than to write out all his flaws on paper to him? Did he do it to everyone else too? With each new thing he read he felt another poke of a pin inside him, as if his gut were a balloon. Maybe Stan wasn't a great as he thought. Maybe there would have been no potential lover inside him, would either of them reveal they were gay. All those feelings just an hour ago were dwindling fast.

You're fucking scary dude. You wanted to kill your own mother? ! WTF dude! ! Seriously? Shit like that makes me fear for your future. Something I can never forgive you about- not giving Kyle a kidney willingly.

"Oh come on now dude…" Cartman rolled his eyes.

Make fun of him for being a ginger Jew all you want but he could have fucking died if I hadn't stepped in! I had to do and sacrifice a lot to save him and all you could do was watch him wither away. FUCK YOU CARTMAN. He's alive because of ME, not you.

That stung deeply. Cartman had to take a breather now. He really wished he didn't care so much about what Stan was saying. It was stuff he already knew. Stuff he told him plenty of times in the past. Why should it matter now? Stan was just some emotional little douchebag; of course he'd get upset like this about stuff. Cartman didn't see anything wrong with letting Kyle die. If he didn't want to give him a kidney then he shouldn't have had to! It was his and not something anyone would just give out like candy. Especially to someone they already hated. Stan was an idiot to believe he would have gladly allow Kyle to get a kidney from him. So then why was he upset at Stan's response to it? Why was he realizing he didn't want to make the hippie angry with him?

Fuck you for telling me Sparky had died that one time too. Fuck you for throwing a rock at a bird! Fuck you for telling on me all those times. Fuck you for pushing me in that muddy puddle that one rainy day years ago. So many other F-you's but what's the point? Like I said, you're horrible and you know it. Maybe sincere words from me might clear up your act. I always did give you the benefit of a doubt. Go ahead, wow me. I guess I can get to the good stuff now…

Cartman was smiling. He always loved how Stan did believe him a lot of the time about something no matter how far-fetched it seemed to be. And here he was, now passed on, waiting to see if it would be worth it. The fat boy found himself whispering to himself 'it will be worth it dude. Trust me.'

It's not as if I was ever forced to root for you or take your side. Sometimes Kyle did fall short so I had to go with you. (He can be a bit of a wet blanket).

Cartman's beamed that Stan admitted what he thought all along.

Taking the fun out of that Sea People thing. You never know, it could have worked (and it kinda did). Accusing you of doing that J-Lo thing with your hand. HELLO. Weird things happen in South Park all the time Kyle!

"Duh! Stupid Jew."

When you told Mrs. Burnum you didn't force Jake to eat the paste. I knew you were telling the truth! There's a lot of moments like that. But in general, I try to see the good in people and see how things could be. The world isn't all black and white. Also, you can be funny dude. Again, I didn't give a fuck if it bothered Kyle, you made me laugh.

"You're welcome Marsh," Cartman grinned. Chelsea rubbed against his knuckles.

You always found fun and creative ways to make me laugh. You doing weird sounds or whatever during my fourth birthday party was what made us friends in the first place! So thanks for all the cool ways you got me to smile dude. We actually had some great times together Cartman. There were a few great playdates with just you and me. We played video games together a lot. We can't forget how cool it was playing on 'Roy's' boat before we crashed it and flooded Beaverton. Remember playing 'knights' on the playground? How about 'pirates'? All fun times with little to no fights.

Cartman sighed as those young childhood memories flooded his mind. They did have fun together…

Dude, we had the BEST time at your 11th birthday! Man, we must've road that one coaster 10 times! ! We laughed a lot. All the while, there was no Kyle.

Cartman frowned. "Go figure…" Again, as long as that Jew was out of the picture he had good times with Stan. The only friend who really was on equal sides with him. Not soft like Butters, Stan had a fun and dark side to him which made him a hell of a more fun person to be around. He missed it.

I kind of feel amused that without his presence, we got along fine. Guess we were always meant to be friends, just outside his viewpoint. That's fine. I love how we bonded over cats. (I know that sounds gay). But really, of all things, no one would have guessed! I'll miss playing with Mr. Kitty. And it was fun when we both played with Chelsea. Just promise me you'll treat them right when I'm gone.

Tears formed around the corner of Cartman's eyes. He sniffed as he looked over to the tabby sitting across from him. It pained him so much to know the cat that Stan loved so much was now his. It still didn't feel right. He still wanted to drop her off back at the Marsh house. There was nothing worse than a living, breathing reminder of what he had lost. Something that was more important to him than anything he gave to anyone else in his will. It was a lot of pressure on him to make Stan proud.

I also want to thank-you for some stuff. Yes thank you. You have done some stuff I want to mention and recognize dude. Thanks for helping me when it came to saving all those baby veal calves, I couldn't have done any of it without you. You actually helped out more than anyone. You let us use your MI playset. You carried the calves. You stayed with us in my room the whole time. You negotiated like crazy. And lastly, you seemed to care that I would make it after being hospitalized and diagnosed as 'a pussy.' Must've made you laugh though.

Cartman smiled. "No- no problem man."

Thanks for writing that one Christmas story in 4th grade about me. I still don't know why you did it or why you gave me such a cool and crazy adventure with a happy ending. I guess I'll never know now.

Cartman sighed, sort of wishing he could tell all now.

Thanks for joining Whale Wars with me. With your help we were able to get the Japanese to stop killing dolphins and whales. Thanks for making me laugh and smile. Thanks for all the fun times we had. For not once ever forcing me out of the group. For always liking me and never singling me out. For making me your 'bro.' For playing catch with me. For taking me to the nurse's office that one time when I had an asthma attack at school. For respecting me and what I had to say. For calling me the 'cool one.' For all your help and ideas for Smiles for Stan. When I think of it, 300 other things. Crazy huh man?

Cartman grinned, surprised actually he had done all Stan had mentioned.

Okay, I want to talk about the past 3 years… thanks for never being an ass about it. You always seemed concerned for me from the start. You had my back if people treated me differently. You came to visit often, a few times on your own. Sure you asked stupid things that first month (did I lose any hair? Did the chemo hurt? REALLY Cartman?) But I've gotten a lot more comfortable around those q's the past couple years so I'm not that offended now. You just wanted to know. Dude, Cartman, I am so glad we were able to become real friends.

Cartman sniffed; he could feel the sincerity coming from Stan.

I'll never forget that warm Valentine's Day of when you came to visit me on your own and confessed your true feelings.

Cartman rubbed his neck. "C'mon dude, you- you're sounding kinda gay…"

It's one of my favorite memories I'll take with me when I die. We've had a good pile of memories lately. When I think of it, you really have changed my life for the better dude and you aren't as bad as Kyle says you are. You have an evil mind but you know how to get things done. Maybe if you stress that in real life you can really make something out of yourself. You could run your own business. Ha, you could even reach your ultimate dream of millions of dollars! :-) I believe it can happen man, you just gotta tone it down and not kill people along the way.

Tears spilled from Cartman's brown eyes. Someone actually believed in him? That was absurd…

Wow, this is longer than I would have thought for you. I hope you've read every word and not burn it or something. I should close now.

You really are a cool, funny, and crazy friend dude. You can really go places so just do it! (With as little bloodshed as possible, please). Look, I know you and Kyle are enemies so I'm not going to force you to become friends. But if you can try to keep the group together. You can make it work with one less member. (Sometimes two depending on Kenny). Don't forget to visit my parents too. (Where else are you going to get the best brownies and blueberry muffins in town? Ha!) Keep our kitties happy Eric! ! Thanks again for everything. You've been a true friend to me since we were four. I'm going to miss 'Fatass' haha. Okay, really now, bye! Don't forget about Captain Marsh!

Your bro,

Stan

PS: Think of me as the same pussy, hippie, over-sensitive animal lover you want, but you were my friend.

June 5&6, 2013

Cartman drew in a rattled breath like a wounded buffalo. He had no idea how this letter would pan out. Certainly not like this. Maybe this letter was meant for Kyle, he just missed up the names. Stan had called him his friend a dozen times and it felt weird. They hardly ever told it to each other. If Cartman wasn't already questioning his sexuality, this letter only made it more complicated. He and Stan had many bad memories growing up yet Stan seemed to have remembered quite a few good ones. They outweighed all the bad things he thought about him. Because that was who he was. Stan was so easy to forgive and forget, he always wanted to live a calm and happy life with those he knew and loved. And even though Cartman was horrible and dark to the core, he wanted the same for him. He actually liked him as a friend. Cartman couldn't help it, he began to cry.

"Stupid hippie… don't- don't fucking get it. W-why you? Fucking piece of shit… it should have been anyone but you. Oh god…"

Too many contradicting feelings were taking hold; he never was one to show his true colors and defiantly wasn't one who gave a shit about others. Yet Stan was the person you couldn't help but care about because he cared about you in return. What was he supposed to do? He was the only kid he now knew really liked him as a friend and found him equal. Who didn't think he was all evil, who actually went along with a lot of his plans because he had such an upbeat outlook on things. It could work. And a lot of times it did. This one person he actually cared a tiny bit about…

Cartman spent the rest of the night held up in his room, only getting out to clean up his bloodied face. It wasn't fair. Stan had grown up a lot since he had been diagnosed and he was able to look back on his life and not feel too upset at the bad things. Cartman wished he could just accept it and move on but it bothered him so much. He couldn't commit to change that easily. He couldn't bring himself to say he truly missed Stan and was so happy about his letter. To do so it meant he would have those feelings again and he didn't need that. He wasn't gay, he wasn't bi! Why couldn't he just say Stan was a great guy to have as a friend without feeling weird by it?

Because he had lost everything in that friend. When Stan died so did all his great qualities. All the things he dared to find in another living being. A person who laughed at his jokes. Who saw his good side. Who liked cats. Who didn't put down his thoughts or beliefs. Someone who seemed to believe he wasn't doomed in life and didn't think being rich was an impossible dream. Someone he could trust to go to if things were bad enough to. Friend or lover, it would be impossible. He lost so much when Stan had died and that's what hurt the most. He was truly alone now.

Cartman lay in the dark, letter open on his bed as he laid on top his covers. Chelsea was sleeping next to Mr. Kitty on the bed as well. For what had to be the 110th time now, Into the Ocean by Blue October was playing. Cartman was singing under his breath.

"'Not knowing how to think I scream aloud, begin to sink

My legs and arms are broken down

With envy for the solid ground

I'm reaching for the life within me

How can one man stop his ending

I thought of just your face

Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down

Let the rain come down…'"

Who was he kidding? He missed Stan. A whole lot too. He couldn't believe he was gone and he wanted him back. That one person who wasn't an enemy, wasn't some pushover, wasn't some white trash, wasn't someone who would beat him up because he was different… he was a normal kid who liked people and believed even the worst could change. Shelley did. Maybe he could too. But it would take a very long time. He knew he was different and these gay thoughts for not only Stan but other boys too would probably not go away anytime soon. He would just have to find a way to deal with it until girls became attractive again.

Stan was just his good friend who was on his journey in the afterlife. And Cartman was the lone man sitting on the shore as the waves took a hold of him, looking out into the sky for answers to why he felt like he was drowning every single day. He was alone, and for once, he felt human. For once, he was a sad boy who was missing that one special person. He had no one now, no one but his mother, his own cat, and the one his best friend left for him to care for. It would be a very difficult transition into a teenager for Eric and for once, he was scared.

A/N: Probably not what everyone was thinking. We all wonder about Cartman's true sexual preferences. I decided to go with him having thoughts of both boys and girls. And the more he realized what he lost when Stan died, the more he realized he was more than just another 'friend.' But he is only 13 here, so it's your call if you think Eric ends up gay or bi or straight. I hope the letter wasn't too gay coming from Stan. He just matured quicker as he was dying and discovered what family and friends really mean at a young age. He had no choice. I see a lot of potential with Stan and Cartman as good friends when they get older no matter what happens.

Please leave reviews, thank-you!

Lots of love: Rose, February 28, 2012