ALICE'S LETTER

It was July 25th and Alice Freedman took her time getting out of bed. The sun was already beaming its way through her window. She sat up in bed for a moment, just thinking. Suddenly there was a knock on her door and her roommate Kimmy poked her head in.

"I'm getting breakfast started hon," she said carefully.

Alice looked up and gave a slight smile. "Thanks, I'll be right there." Kimmy nodded and stepped out.

Sighing, Alice got to her feet and put her yellow robe over her and walked out. She took up a seat on the barstool as Kimmy passed along a cup of coffee.

"Pancakes are almost done," She spoke.

Alice took a sip from her coffee. "Stan loved your pancakes. Remember when you made them that morning after we celebrated his birthday?"

Kimmy smiled. "Yeah, he did. Wow, that little party seems so long ago doesn't it?"

"It does but it also feels like it just happened. And it kind of did." Alice rubbed her eyes. "It was in October. Only nine months or so ago."

The two were quiet as they began their breakfast. Kimmy did not want to bring the name of the boy her friend used to tutor but she had just mentioned him minutes ago. It was a sad situation but Alice seemed to be doing better since he had died.

"Do you… think he's happy now? Wherever he is?" Kimmy asked softly.

"He was so smart and sweet and full of adventure. He's no doubt happy in Heaven," Alice looked confident. "But I can't help thinking how he was taken. Or why. I keep trying to see why he was but I can't." Her voice was rough now.

Kimmy was agnostic so she didn't live life trying to see reasons why the good or bad things happened. She didn't think it was a higher power's doing but Alice did so she had to be there for her at the difficult time and try to help her make some sense of it.

"It only happened a couple weeks ago. Don't stress yourself out trying to come up with a reason 'why' just yet. Maybe you find the 'why' months from now. No one said grieving is an easy thing."

Kimmy's words held a lot of truth in them and after she was finished with her meal, Alice went back to her room to reflect on them. Of course it would be painful to loose someone you were close to. She had always known this but she never really fully understood what that was like. She lived a typical happy family life and had no experienced any deaths of anyone she was close to her whole life. Now she had and the fact that her first real traumatic experience was the death of a child defiantly made it hard to move on from. She would constantly tell herself she shouldn't feel this upset, it's not as if Stan was her little brother or cousin or anything. He was just the boy she tutored. A smart one already and who loved learning from her. He would always tell her it was because of her he found an interest in writing. A talent he already had but was too embarrassed to show. That's what being a teacher was about, helping a child find enjoyment out of learning. He gave her that feeling each time she saw him.

Alice couldn't imagine what Stan's family must have been going through at the moment. She always loved children and she couldn't begin to guess the pain his parents were in. What could be worse than the death of your child? She wanted to visit the family to see how they were but they were back in South Park and she couldn't find time to travel that far right now. She didn't want to lose contact with them though so she hoped she'd find the strength in herself to see them soon.

The 25-year-old was able to get herself ready for the day but as soon as she was finished fixing her hair she retreated back to her bedroom again. She grit her teeth as her eyes began to sting with tears. She closed her eyes and let them fall and put her hands to her head.

"Lord, it's me. I hate to ask but I'm still trying to find reason for Stanley's death. Why did you take him? He was only twelve. He was such a sweet little boy and he had so much going for him. Now that he's gone I'm finding myself afraid of the future. Afraid of what I should do. I can't become a teacher now, what if one of my students falls ill like he did? I can't experience this again. Children… they should not have to live with such pain. And the pain his family is going through…" she sniffed and pushed back a strand of hair. "All I ask is for a sign, a reason to why this happened. I need strength to go on and put it behind me. I wish I wasn't so attached to children but each one is special. I just want something to show me things will be okay and that Stanley is happy and free. I know he didn't exactly believe in you but show me he's okay… please…"

The room was quiet except for the people on the floor below outside talking loudly. Alice sat on her bed for close to five minutes before she suddenly gasped. She felt the need to go to her bedside table where she dug through a small pile of papers and found it- an envelope addressed to her in Stan's writing. She received it in the mail with a post-it note on it that read: Our son wanted to give this to you during the reading of his will. Thank-you for everything you have done for our family. Randy Marsh.

Alice opened the envelope up and saw a letter written front-to-back from Stanley. She had yet to read it but perhaps now was better than letting it sit there any longer. She was certain reading it would only make her feel even more upset but she went on with it still.

Alice

Hey, it's Stan. I decided to write a letter to my favorite people in case I succumbed to the leukemia. So if you are reading this, that means it has happened. I want to say I am really happy I had gotten to know you Alice the past 3 years. Not only were you my tutor, you were also my friend.

This put a small smile on the young woman's face. Perhaps it was a good thing she decided to finally open the letter.

You have no idea how happy I was when I found out you were going to be my tutor. I knew you were the one from that one interview. At first I was a little skeptical about having a tutor but you quickly proved to me it was a good idea. You made me love to learn, something I never really felt before. You made lessons fun and really got to know me. Thanks for that. I loved our first picnic lunch and all our lessons at the park. I had no idea you could learn so much there and have a fun time at the same time!

Alice smiled sadly as she remembered; there was a nice park ten minutes from the apartment the Marsh family rented in Denver. There were many trees and flowers and shrubs and grassy areas. Many science lessons took place there and Stan always enjoyed them. There were also birds to document and dogs to observe. Activities of all kinds took place at the park so it provided many teaching opportunities and defiantly held some of her best moments with the boy too.

It was actually cool learning about trees and plants and bugs and people in general, all at the park. You even made some math lessons fun and we all knew how much I hated math. But most importantly, you gave me a love and understanding for language. Reading and spelling were always my favorite lessons but you made me see why. You made me see I was good at it and it didn't have to just be reading books I hated or looking at a list of words to enjoy the subject. You made it into a game- my favorites were Pirate's Cove and Create-a-Story. Loved those.

Alice chuckled. When she first met Stan he told her how he liked writing and reading but never did much with it but what was required in school. But since Alice wanted to teach children of a younger age she couldn't help but make games out of his lessons. And her mother was a fifth grade teacher so she always had tips and inspiration from her. And they worked. Stan was a kid who loved games and changing things up a bit and benefited from their unique assignments. He became a top writer by the time he reached sixth grade and Alice herself couldn't help but feel proud.

You also made me like to write. I told you already I wrote journal entries nearly every week but only because I felt obligated. I began writing more entries after you began tutoring me. Not only that but I began writing poems. POEMS of all things! How many boys really write poems? But you never criticized, only made me more confident. Thanks Alice. Thanks for being a great 5th, 6th, and 7th grade tutor. I learned a lot and had a good time doing it. Away from lessons…

I had a great time with just you. Like I mentioned earlier, I enjoyed our picnics. You never judged me when I told you I picked up knitting as a hobby. You encouraged me with stuff. I had fun at your apartment! Especially that 12th birthday sleepover party you held for me! That was such a fun night. I'm happy to've met your roommate Kimmy and friends Claire and Sarah. They were real crazy and fun. Most guys would be jealous that me, a 12-year-old, spent the night with three 25-year-olds! HA!

Alice laughed after reading this. She reminisced about the late birthday party earlier during breakfast. It really wasn't that long ago. She felt bad she couldn't make it to Stan's twelfth birthday that was being held back at his home in South Park. From what he told her it was going to be his biggest party yet. But since she had been helping him out with school since the fifth grade she wanted to hold her own little celebration for him. And since she spoke of him often to her friends, they wanted to join in as well. She was relieved Stan's mother allowed her to hold the little party since at this point in his leukemia; she was very protective of him. But it had been just what she wanted; fun and safe and enjoyable for everyone. Her friends even visited Stan in the hospital during treatments a couple times after. He was just a friendly boy to be around and was happy with the extra support.

The Sunday making. Watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Designing t-shirts. 'Teaching' you guys how to knit! Sarah couldn't even hold the knitting needles right! Then you getting one of my favorite ice cream flavors and making me a cake. I don't care of it was from a box, it still tasted good! Thanks for not allowing alcohol though, I was only twelve. That was such a fun night though, thanks. I'm happy I got to meet your mom and the rest of your family too for that BBQ. That was a nice evening. Your mom is real sweet, just like you.

Alice again couldn't help but smile at the kind comment.

Thanks for visiting me in the hospital all those times and treating me like a normal kid. You were great about my asthma too, always making sure I was feeling okay. I should wrap now. Thank-you for everything you've done. I hope you don't lose track of my family now that I'm gone. Also, I think you will make a GREAT first grade teacher. Hope East Hills Elementary needs a 1st Grade teacher soon! Thanks again.

Your friend,

Stan

Alice set the letter aside and looked out, not thinking of anything in particular. She felt odd. She was amazed that a letter from a child who had recently died could make her feel so warm inside. She expected tears to be rolling down her cheeks for it was such a sad situation. It was. But Stan made sure to not make it so. She knew he was depressed when he was first diagnosed but he was a happy and exciting kid when they met. Even when tough times hit his family he always kept a positive look on it. She couldn't believe anyone with such a terrible disease could enlighten others. Stan was a special case she supposed. Probably not someone she would run into or help anytime soon.

Alice still had her teaching career to start and funny enough; she didn't feel as afraid of it now. At least not now. There were going to be so many faces she would meet when it did start and soon more stories and families would touch her heart. But she would never forget the story of Stanley Marsh. She could see it now; pulling the letter out from her desk when those tough days hit. When future students wouldn't pay attention or listen. When there were fights to break out or there was a child being singled out for a number of reasons. Stanley would remind her there were many tough things in life. Even if she never experienced much growing up, his short life would be the thing telling her that through the dark, there was always the possibility of light. It was more than she could ever ask for. With that, she left her bedroom, ready to finally hit downtown for a bite to eat because life was only beginning for her.

I was finally able to get back to the letters. I decided to opt posting the letter for Stan's oncologist, Dr. Fohlkoly, since it consisted similarities to the one to Dr. Davies. There is only one letter left now, Sharon's. I still have no idea what I am going to do for that one but I hope I am able to plan and post it before the year ends. So check back when you can. Thank-you so much for reading.

Lots of love,

Rose, October 4, 2012