Title: The (not so) secret diaries series
Author: moon-majik
Chapter: Much
Rating: K
Summary: The Character's keep diaries throughout the legend...which were kept deadly secret...until now. Based on BBC 2006 series.
Disclaimer: Robin Hood...not mine. You know the rest.
Much
1187
Day One:
Overheard Robin telling Marian he wants to go and join the crusade, Odd. He's not mentioned anything like that to me before.
Day Two:
Robin has gone to war. Without me. I am now going to buy Tesco's entire stock of 'Ben and Jerry's cookie dough' Ice cream and watch Chick Flicks and wallow in my sadness until he returns. Yes. All five years!
Day Four:
Robin returned. Good. I was getting fat. He said he hadn't forgotten me, he was just going ahead to make sure it was safe. He is so thoughtful!
Day Five:
We both set off for War. Long trip ahead. Good job I thought to bring my I-Pod.
Day twenty:
Still not there. Spent the last five days trudging through a bog with a boy and a dragon called Saphira. Apparently, they aren't going the same way as us, but they told very good stories. They told us to look out for an odd creature called Smeagol.
Day twenty-five:
Acquired a pet caterpillar. Didn't know what to call it. Made a list and asked rest of party. Robin said "Catty" so I crossed that off. King Richard suggested "Gee-Wizz." Didn't like that either.
Day twenty-six
Caterpillar called Robin. Now gets very confusing when King Richard calls for Robin, as Caterpillar goes instead.
Day twenty-seven
Found out that Robin (the man) is sending Robin (the Caterpillar) to the King instead of him on purpose. Attached lead to Robin (caterpillar) so he can't wander off.
Day Fifty
Finally made it to Holy Land. Doesn't look very Holy to me. Full of people exactly like us, doing exactly what we were, ie. Killing people we didn't know.
Day fifty-one
Have finished my stock of Ben and Jerry's. First Mission – find a tescos!
1191
Day One:
Lost Diary. Found it in Robin's underwear drawer. Didn't ask. Still no ice cream. Not even frozen Yoghurt.
Day Five:
Caterpillar count: 99. All of them called Robin. Nothing interesting is happening. Just people hitting each other with swords. Starting to crave a bath. Honestly, how am I supposed to be a manservant to Robin when he is never in one place long enough? Aside from stealing my diary, he has to be involved in everything. Yesterday, he went to help the Saracen slaves dig the latrine. Idiot.
Day nineteen
Robin Stabbed. No one knows whether or not he will survive. Very distressed. On a brighter note, he did save the King's life.
Day twenty
Two distraught to write.
Day twenty-two.
Robin awake. Party in the main tent!!! Party interrupted by surgeon, who informed us he had taken a fever. Robin expected to die.
Day twenty-four
Robin no better. But no worse. King anxious to move on. Have taken to sitting on him as I will not let him go until Robin is better. Still no Ice cream.
Day twenty-six
Spent yesterday in the stocks. Apparently King does not like being sat on. Robin no better.
Day twenty-seven
King left. Left me and Robin and Surgeon. Says if Robin recovers we can go home. Held on to Kings ankle and he dragged me half the way down the road. Didn't do any good.
Day Forty
Ran out of card games to play with Surgeon. Robin still no better. Decided to go and see if I could find a Sainsbury's, as apparently Tesco's are not aware of the Holy Land's exisitance. Mission failed again. Still no Ice cream.
Day fifty
Robin awake. No party as there is only three of us. Starting to get hungry. Robin had feverish dreams all night, so no sleep for me. Yelling Marian's name a lot. Wonder if there was something going on between them.
Day sixty
Had no sleep for ten days. Would stab Robin myself if I had half the chance. With my sleep deprived mind the way it is, I could claim insanity and get off easy.
Day seventy
Robin getting better. Slowly. Can walk around now. Got a nice scar on his side now. Shame its not on his forehead, we could pretend to be Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, and get discounts on things like Ice cream. And cheese.
Day 100
Finally! Surgeon declares Robin well enough to travel. We can leave the holy land.
Day 120
Got waylaid by strange man and woman with strange accents, looking for the Holy Grail. They seemed to be sure that it was in England. Convinced them otherwise, pointing them in the direction of Jerusalam. Realised after they had hurried off that that was where the fighting was. Hope they bought armour.
Day 125
Rain. Rain. Rain. And here I thought that the Holly Land was a desert. You know, desert equals no rain. But no. It does Rain. A lot.
Day 130
Need. Ice. Cream. Cheese would be nice. And Pork. And beef. Ooh, and those little potatoes… and chocolate éclairs. Profiteroles. Cream! And jelly…ice-cream and jelly! Peanut Butter. Any old butter. Bread.
Day 131
Robin duck taped my mouth shut.
Day 132
Duck tape beginning to hurt.
Day 140
Haven't spoken to Robin for 7 days. He pulled the Duck Tape of my mouth when I was asleep. It hurt! If I had wanted my moustache waxed, I would have gone to a salon.
Day 150
Spent last 10 days singing. At the top of my voice. Robin spent 9 and a half days with his fingers in his ears. Oh well.
Day 365 (1/4)
We are home! Finally! Robin cried. I was much more manly and hid behind the horse and cried. Finally! A country that has heard of Tesco's and Ben and Jerry's. Robin wanted to head straight for Loxley. So we did.
1192
Day One
Rescued a man who was poaching! Convinced a lot of guards that there was a lot of men. Then gave the game away. Meant we had to run. The Ben and Jerry's better be worth this! Robin wouldn't let me sing. He is just jealous.
Day Two
Very close to Loxley. Man offered to feed us if we dug his ditch. Still waiting on that food. Robin made out with mans daughter. Man not impressed. Robin showed off and threw himself backwards off the building. Involved more running. Ben and Jerry's better HAD be worth all this running. Oh well, at least the weight I put on before leaving for the Holy land has gone now.
Day Three
Arrived in Loxley. Distraught. New Sheriff has demolished Tesco's to make room for the extension to his Castle. Followed Robin all around the place, think we went to Marian's and she threatened us with a bow. Maybe there wasn't anything going on between Marian and Robin.
Day Five
Spent yesterday sulking. Still upset about Tesco's. Rescued some men who were going to be hanged. Seem to be rescuing men a lot. Hope we don't make a habit of it, as it's a bit hazardous to our health.
Day Six
Spent the morning arguing with a group of outlaws. Kept tying each other up. Entertaining to start with, but tedious when it continued after lunch. Robin gave himself up to the Sheriff. Told him not to, as don't see how it can get him to build a new Tesco's, but Robin obstinant. Think Little John killed his remaining brain cells when he knocked him out. I'm going to save him, even if obnoxious outlaws don't want to.
Day seven
Spent night on ladder as threatened by dog. Nasty creatures. Rescued in morning my same group of obnoxious outlaws. Apologised for calling them obnoxious. Rescued Robin. Now have to live in forest. Gutted.