A/N: Thanks for your feedback, guys! Hope you like this chapter, too, and a review on your way out would be really rad, too. :)

Chapter Three: Retrospection

The next morning, Tony woke up with a groan. His neck was killing him. As he slowly opened his eyes and took in his surroundings, he knew why. He had fallen asleep with his head on Jethro's mattress. Stretching himself and then leaning back in his chair, he realized that he was feeling oddly uplifted this morning. He turned ever so slightly to look at the still sleeping form that was his partner and then felt a large grin spread on his own face. The guy had smiled at him last night, had waved at him. And this was as good as it gets, Tony was sure about that. After a stressful week with work, the murderer and all the back and forth to the hospital and the Navy Yard, he had finally gotten some results. They had caught the killer, he had done something useful for once and to top that off, Jethro had made some real progress.

Tony felt his gut clench ever so slightly as he realized that he had had nothing to do with that. He hadn't been there. Suddenly he realized that it probably hadn't been the first time that Jethro had waved at somebody, hadn't been the first time that he had moved because he had wanted to. He had daily sessions with his physical therapist after all and chances were that he had been doing that for a few days already and Tony had missed all of that. Had missed it because he simply hadn't been there.

He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. It was no use beating himself up, he knew that. He had been through this before. He was going to work not because he wanted to get away from here, but because he needed to. He – they – needed that money, it was as simple as that. And it had done him good over the last couple of days, he couldn't lie about that. So, there was no reason to feel devastated now just because he had missed something, be it ever so monumental. The important thing was that Gibbs was moving on his own account, had maybe recognized Tony last night and everything else was a minor matter.

Feeling the slightly happy feeling sink back into him somewhat, Tony reached out his hand as if to touch Jethro, but refrained at the last moment. Even last night when he had been so happy about the older man's progress, he hadn't dared to touch him. He had been too afraid to chase away that moment by making Gibbs flinch away from him once again. He just hadn't wanted to risk it and he wouldn't do it now, either, even though he was still asleep. Nothing and no one would make his good mood go away today.

.

It had been time for him to go to work before Jethro had woken up, but little did it do to diminish Tony's good mood. By lunchtime, he had been doing more paperwork than he could remember doing all of the previous week. He decided that it was time for a break and after a quick phone call to the hospital, ensuring himself that everything was still alright with Jethro, he went down to the cafeteria, got a CafPow! for Abby and then all but waltzed into the scientist's lab, just short of humming.

"Hey, my princess of the darkness," he said as she turned around, a smile on her lips as she turned down the volume of what was oddly enough classical music.

"You're cheerful today," Abby observed before she took the beverage and sipped from the straw. "What brought this up?"

"Can't I just be happy?" Tony asked and sat down on one of the chairs in front of the computer.

"You can. Should even," Abby replied, giving him another smile. "But there is a reason, isn't there?"

"Yup. Gibbs is awake, Abs."

Abby looked at him for a moment, incomprehension settling in. She furrowed a brow and then tilted her head ever so slightly as if she wasn't all that sure that Tony was still sane.

"How is that news?" she finally asked, the look still on her face and Tony finally realized that he hadn't quite phrased it right.

"No, Abs," he started over, still grinning at her rather goofily. "He's awake awake. He smiled at me last night. Do you realize how big that is? And… he waved at me. He smiled and waved. I think… I mean, I don't know… but I think last night… he knew who I was, you know."

Abby stared at him for a moment, her eyes big as saucers before a broad smile appeared on her face.

"You mean that?" she then asked and before Tony could do as much as nod, she had her arms flung around him, hugging him tightly. "That is so awesome."

"Yeah, it is," Tony mumbled into her shoulder, secretly glad to be hugged because he really did miss any sort of physical contact these days.

"Strange how those things happen so suddenly, isn't it?" Abby continued after a little while, happily sucking on her CafPow!

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I've been at the hospital day before yesterday to visit him and he never even looked at me, even though, I'm sure he knew I was there, you know. He just kept on staring at the door all the time. It was as if he was waiting for something."

Tony stared at her for a moment or two, trying to understand what she had just been telling him but before he could form an opinion, Abby continued to babble, even more excited than before.

"Oh! Do you think he was waiting for you? I mean, if you say that he knew who you were last night, maybe he has known all along? And he missed you and was just waiting for you to come back from work?"

"Abby, stop," Tony all but bellowed, hoping to put an end to her madness and yet, he couldn't help the smile that spread on his lips. "We don't know that."

"I'm sure he was, though, Tony."

"I don't know. And you know what, it hardly matters. All I care about is that he moved and that he gave me a goddamn smile. You know how long it has been since he smiled? Even before that guy hit him, he has been really grumpy because of the case. I couldn't even remember the last time, you know. But now I can, Abby. I can remember. And that's all I care right now."

.

Tony's mood continued to get better with every day that followed. He was still mad at himself for having gone back to work and missing everything, but he knew it was necessary and just because he was missing stuff, it didn't meant that he was missing out. Every night when he would walk into Jethro's room, the other guy was up and looking at him, most of the time even with a smile on his lips. What made Tony even happier than that was the fact that the smile that had been broad the first time he had seen it on the other man's face had changed ever so slightly. Now, Jethro was sporting a half-smile for the most part and it made Tony giddy knowing that this was his – was Gibbs' – famous smile, that smile that he loved so much.

As slow as the progress had been over the last couple of weeks and even months, everything now seemed to change from one day to the next. It was like every night when Tony would return to Jethro after work there was something new. It had started with Gibbs moving around his hands on purpose three days after the initial smile. But it hadn't stopped there. One night when Tony was late getting there because one of their cold cases had once again turned hot and expecting the other guy to be asleep already, Jethro was sitting upright, grinning ever so slightly at him. Tony had stopped dead in his tracks and had stared at him for at least a minute before Gibbs had started to fidget, waking him from his moment of momentary surprise.

.

It all was perfect all of a sudden and yet, Tony sometimes couldn't help but feel emptier inside with every day that passed by. It wasn't the fact that Jethro still couldn't talk, which, according to the doctors wasn't unusual and would happen gradually, and it wasn't the fact that he was missing so much, either. Tony was even sure that Gibbs was perfectly sure who Tony was, too, at least to some degree. And yet, he still wouldn't let Tony touch him. Tony had tried it once again, had only lifted his hand to put it on the other man's forearm, but he had seen the sudden trepidation in those blue eyes and had immediately given up on it again. But that didn't mean that Tony understood. What was so wrong that he wasn't allowed to touch him? Once again, Jethro never flinched when Ducky patted his hand on one of his frequent visits and had even pulled a rather shaky arm around Abby when she had carefully given him a hug. So what was it that made it alright for Abby and Ducky to touch him, but not for Tony? There were so many mixed messages that Gibbs unconsciously sent Tony on a daily basis and the younger man just couldn't see the reason for it. Sometimes he just wished that Gibbs would reach out his arm and place a slap on the back of his head. It would have been enough. Just that one touch, painful as it was, would be enough. Would be all Tony needed to be truly happy.

But it never came.

.

At the suggestion of the doctors and because Gibbs was doing pretty well physically speaking, Tony had started to tell him random stories of their past. He had told him about the time in desert of Arizona where Tony had all but fallen off the horse for at least five times, had told him about the time they had given the fence around their house a new coat of paint and managed to have much more paint on their clothes than on the picket itself.

He told him about anything he could think of - anything happy that was. He didn't have the heart to tell him about Shannon and Kelly, didn't have the heart to tell him about Mike or Kate's death. Tony just couldn't do it. He wanted to keep Jethro in positive spirits these days, so he wasn't exactly keen on spoiling it. He knew that it might even help the older man to hear about those things, but Tony couldn't bring himself to do it. Not when he, himself, was barely holding on to these happy memories to keep himself sane. He couldn't dwell on the negative thoughts for too long. They just wouldn't help and so he let them slide for the moment. Gibbs would know soon enough.

Not that it mattered much anyway. While Jethro seemed like he did recognize Tony every time he came back from work, he didn't seem to remember anything from the time before his coma. The doctors had reassured that this, too, was only temporary and it was less than likely that he would forever stay like that but little did it help to stop Tony from getting more frustrated as the days went by. Yes, he was happy that Gibbs was doing so well, was moving, was even eating all on his own again. And yes, he knew that he would learn to talk again eventually and yet he couldn't help but feel lost about the fact that the older man had no recollection of him from before the coma, had no recollection of them being together, had no recollection of even working with him.

Tony couldn't even bring himself to tell him about the time they spent together, couldn't bring himself to tell him about the last three years. He had tried, but as soon as he had said as much as a word about it, he felt his insides clench uncomfortably. He couldn't tell him, couldn't tell him about the night they had shared their first kiss, couldn't tell him about how happy he had been because he simply couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand the thought of the other guy knowing nothing about it when it had been the happiest three years in Tony's life, when those three years had meant everything to him. But Jethro didn't remember, didn't know that and it only made it so much harder for Tony to accept that they might not have been that important to Jethro than they had been for him.

Abby had scolded him and then told him he was crazy for even thinking like that when he had finally told her his reasons for being so disappointed one day in her lab. She had told him that the older man would come around eventually and that he had been just as happy as Tony had been. And yet Tony couldn't help but feel more desperate with every day that went by with Gibbs giving no sign of remembering anything. It was silly, Tony knew that. And yet it didn't help. Didn't help at all.

.

Four weeks after that initial smile, Tony was still torn between being utterly happy about the fact that Jethro's condition was still improving by the day and being devastated whenever he let himself think about all the things the other man didn't remember. He had found his balance in the end, had managed to keep the gloomy thoughts out of his mind for the most part. He was still as positive around Jethro as possible, hoping that the good mood would somehow skip over to him. But the older guy must have been catching Tony's own mood swings nevertheless because he seemed to become more frustrated with himself with every new day that Tony and the others would tell him about stuff from his past and he was apparently still drawing a blank about it all.

So when Tony entered his room after a long and rather boring day of cold cases at the office, he wasn't all that surprised when he saw Jethro sitting on his bed, his back slumped rather heavily against the headrest of his bed. He was staring at picture from one of Tony's old photographic albums. He barely acknowledged him when Tony sat down on a chair next to his bed in order to see what exactly he was looking at. In the picture, Gibbs and Tony were standing side by side on the corner of a baseball field back in the days when they both still used to play with NCIS against other agencies just for the fun of it. There was nothing particularly special about that photo and yet Tony had always loved it. It was over ten years old already, but for once, Gibbs was actually laughing in this one. Tony couldn't remember what they had been talking about that day or who had even taken that photo and it didn't matter anyway. He just knew that he had been happy back then, happy just to be there for so many reasons.

Now, though, Jethro was staring at it with a furrowed brow, as if he was willing himself to remember about that day. He finally let out a breath and turned to look at Tony, the photograph still in his left hand. He reached out his other hand and for a moment Tony's heart stuttered at the thought of Jethro actually touching him, but the older man was simply pointing at him before he drew back his hand and patted his own chest for a moment.

"Yeah," Tony started, having caught up what Jethro was trying to tell him. "You and me."

Gibbs nodded and then stared at the picture again as if it held all the mysteries of the world. And maybe it did, Tony thought. His heart was still not back to beating regularly for some reason and he suddenly realized why that was. Jethro had never tried to communicate with him like that before. He had patiently listened to all of his story, had reacted when he had been asked if he was thirsty or comfortable, but he hadn't started any interaction between them until now.

"We used to play baseball, Jethro," Tony finally continued when the other guy made no move to avert his eyes from the picture. "In a team with other agents. You were pretty good back then. I was a better pitcher than you, though. But we really had fun every time. I think the first time I ever heard you laugh - you know, really laugh - was during one of those games because Langer of the FBI, I think, tripped over his own shoelaces and fell down headfirst directly in front of you. See, there in the background," Tony pointed at the picture. "You can see his ruined clothes. Anyway… Till then, I didn't even think that you were capable of laughing, you know. No offense and all, but you were pretty gloomy back then."

Gibbs had turned towards him at his last words, a strange expression on his face all of a sudden. His brow was furrowed again and his eyes were watching him rather warily. Tony was just about to say something… anything really when Jethro's eyes left him and stared at the picture instead. Then he pointed at it, at the guy in the background to be more specific.

"Langer," Tony repeated. "Brent Langer. Worked for the FBI at that time, but he used to be on your team before that."

Again, Gibbs gave him a speculative look and Tony mutely debated telling him that Langer had returned to his team and had been killed by Lee in the end. But he couldn't possibly tell him that, could he now? Trying to brush away that particular chilling thought, Tony concentrated on Gibbs' face which was sporting a rather confused expression again.

"Do you remember Langer?" he asked then, feeling his heart pick up pace once again.

He didn't know whether he really wanted Gibbs to remember Langer of all people, but he knew that he couldn't afford being picky when it came to memories. Any memory at all was a great thing after all.

"Do you remember, Jethro?" he repeated as the slight confusion still hadn't vanished from Gibbs' features.

The older man looked at the picture for a few more moments and then back at him before he shrugged almost imperceptibly. Then he let the picture fall into his lap and reached out his left hand, so that it was parallel to the ground and then did the same thing with his right one, but palm up before he turned it over and let it fall onto his other. Tony stared at him as he repeated the motion again. He knew that Jethro was trying to tell him something, but he didn't know what exactly it was.

"I don't understand," he said helplessly.

Again, Gibbs intently stared at him and repeated his movement over and over. Tony was just about to tell him that it was no use and that it made no sense as he thought of something else and reached for his cell phone to call Abby. Maybe Gibbs' motions did make sense and Tony just didn't know it.

"Hey Abs," he said when the Goth had finally picked up her phone. "I have a question. Is there a sign in sign language where you reach out both of your hands and then impose one over the other?"

"Uh, I'm not sure. Does one hand turn from palm up to down when it touches the other?"

"Yeah, it does. What does it mean?"

"Could be death. Kind of hard to say when I can't actually see it. Why, who are you talking to?"

Tony stared at Gibbs for a moment, his pulse so loud in his ears that he was sure that the other guy and even Abby over the phone had to be hearing it, too. If Gibbs had actually just spelt out death to him, it meant that he knew that Langer was dead. Did he remember? Did he really remember Langer? And had he remembered how to sign, too? Tony blinked a couple of times as he felt the first tear run down his right cheek. He didn't care that Gibbs was eyeing him curiously now and he didn't care to keep up appearances anymore, either.

"Tony?" he heard Abby's rather loud voice over the phone, rousing him from his thoughts.

"Huh?"

"Who are you talking to, Tony?"

"Jethro," Tony answered barely above a whisper. "I was talking to Jethro."

"I don't understand," Abby replied.

"I was talking about Langer," Tony slowly answered, still, almost desperately looking into Gibbs' bright blue eyes. "About how we used to play baseball against him and stuff. Gibbs just kept on staring at him and then started to sign."

At that moment, Jethro repeated the movement of his hands and then picked up the picture again. Tony felt himself nod and heard Abby talk on the other end, but didn't understand what she was saying.

"Yeah, he's dead, Gibbs," he finally said, apparently confirming Jethro's suspicion because his face fell from one moment to the next. "I'm sorry."

The older man nodded and then went back to staring at the picture and Tony hurried to hang up on Abby, reassuring her that he would call early the next day to explain everything more closely. There were more important things right now than making Abby happy. So, he just sat there by Jethro's side, never uttering a single word because he simply didn't know what to say.

"Another agent shot him to cover up her tracks and make him the bad guy," he finally provided the necessary information about Langer's death. "But we managed to find out the truth eventually. He died protecting the agency."

Gibbs nodded again and the closed expression on his face eased up a bit. Then, out of nowhere, a small smile started to spread on his lips and Tony couldn't help but feel the sudden butterflies in his stomach as he returned the gesture.

"You remembered something, Jethro," he then said so quietly that he wasn't even sure the words had left his mouth, but the older guy nodded nonetheless.

"You remembered. You fucking remembered something," Tony repeated over and over, more tears starting to fall now. "You remember."