A/N: Thank you so much for reading and your reviews! You guys made my day! Hope you like this one, too.

Chapter Four: Resignation

Sometimes when Tony found himself alone for a moment, in the elevator at work, in the car on his way to work or in the small hours of the morning when his back was once again killing him so that he wasn't able to sleep, he couldn't help but think about too many things that weren't all that good for his current frame of mind. While the first weeks of Gibbs' ordeal had been horrible with not knowing when and if he'd wake up and if his brain would fully function again, Tony still thought that the weeks that followed had been even worse, at least for himself. He was constantly on edge, his mind working overtime every minute of every day and every night in order to figure out how to get more level-headed about it all. He wanted to be as supportive of Jethro as he possible could be, but the more he tried, the more the older man seemed to slip like water right through his fingers. Tony knew that Gibbs was getting better with every day that passed and yet with every bit of independence that he was slowly gaining, the hole in Tony's heart grew bigger. It wasn't even the fact that Gibbs still wasn't able to remember him. It was more easily the way he behaved around him. Sure, he was still giving him smiles whenever he came back from work, he was still listening intently to any stories that Tony would tell him, but something still seemed to be off in some way and Tony couldn't even put a finger on what it was exactly. It was like Gibbs was holding something back on purpose and even though, the younger man knew it to be ridiculous, he couldn't help but feel that way.

.

"Tony?"

Abby stopped him on his way out of her lab early on Tuesday afternoon, two weeks after Gibbs had remembered Langer.

"Yeah?" he turned around to look at her.

"Would you mind if I stopped by at Gibbs' tonight? I thought maybe he'd like to learn more sign language… or you know, to see if he still remembers some of it."

Tony studied her for a moment, taking in her smiling face and her twinkling green eyes. He hadn't seen her that spirited in quite some while and it somehow eased a bit of the tension he had been feeling all day.

"Sure, why not," he finally answered. "Can't hurt in any case, can it?"

"Nope," Abby said. "Can I ride with you, then?"

"Uh," he hesitated for a moment, running a hand through his hair. "Do you have to? I mean… I'm just not too keen on leaving him alone for too long just to drive you back here and stuff."

Abby looked at him for a short moment, causing him to fidget ever so slightly but before he could ask her what was up all of a sudden, Abby had turned around already, typing away on her keyboard.

"Sure, no problem, Tony. Just let me know when you're done today."

"Sure thing, Abs."

.

Later that day, Abby and Tony entered Jethro's room to find him once again perusing one of Tony's photographic albums with a slightly disgruntled expression on his face. It lit up slightly, though, when he glanced up and saw Abby approaching him. She bent down ever so slightly to hug him lightly and Tony couldn't help but feel the slight ping of jealousy when Gibbs' arm came around her with ease and no sign of hesitation. He brushed it away, though, as he offered Abby his usual chair.

"Hey Jethro," he finally said, directing his words towards the older man whose smile had long vanished from his features again. "What are you looking at?"

Gibbs just shrugged and then handed him the album. With a sinking sensation in his stomach, Tony realized that he had once again been staring at the picture of the two of them on that baseball field but before he could dwell on the disappointment, that the guy had recognized Langer in this and not him, for too long, Abby had started to talk again.

"Oh, that's the pic you've been talking about?"

"Yeah."

"It was such a fun day, wasn't it?"

"You been there?" Tony asked, slightly surprised this time as he tried to recollect as much as possible from that day. Besides the small Langer anecdote, however, he came up empty.

"Yeah, duh. I was the one taking the photo, Tony. Don't you remember how much fun we had annoying the hell out of Gibbs, so that he would let us take the picture? To, you know, celebrate the new team member."

Tony stared at her for a moment before he realized that she was right. It had been his first outing since he had joined NCIS and he had been so glad that Abby had come along because he had feared that she hadn't liked him all that much back then. But that Sunday afternoon had been so much fun that his worries had soon disappeared. He looked at the photo again for a moment or two and then realized that he did seem really happy in there. His smile was broad and genuine and even though he wasn't looking directly at the camera, as his eyes had drifted towards Gibbs, he looked relaxed and grounded and nothing indicated to the fact that Wendy had left him only two weeks previously. He had never looked at it that way, but now he realized that the reason he had been happy, even back then, was Gibbs. He hadn't been in love with him back then, not by far, but he had always felt strangely secure with the other man around him, a fact that still hadn't changed, even though Gibbs wasn't exactly in any form of protecting him right now.

"Earth to Tony," Abby's loud voice once again interrupted his thoughts and he shook himself before he turned to look at her.

"Sorry. What did you say?"

"You okay, Tony?" Abby inquired now and Tony blinked before he realized that he had probably just spaced out a bit there.

"I'm fine," he finally said. "I'll just go get myself a cup of coffee. You want something, too?"

"They don't have CafPow!, do they?"

"Nope, sorry to disappoint," Tony answered and then was just about to turn around as he, out of the corners of his eyes, caught Gibbs sit up a bit straighter, eyeing Abby curiously all of a sudden.

"Gibbs?" he asked then, feeling Abby's questioning gaze on him, but didn't care. "What is it?"

The older man had now averted his glance from the Goth and was looking at him instead, his brow furrowed as if he was thinking really hard about something. He made a gesture with his hands which Tony couldn't understand. Abby did, though.

"Repeat it?" she asked now and as Gibbs nodded, she continued. "I asked if Tony could bring me some CafPow! but they don't have it because, well, a hospital is not likely to have something with so much caffeine in it that it won't let normal people sleep for like three days."

Gibbs gave a weak smile at her little rant but was still looking at her in wonder and then gestured again, his eyes never leaving hers. His hands were still rather shaky and uncoordinated but over and over, he signed the same thing before Abby let out a loud squeal that caused Tony to actually jump despite the fact he had seen it coming.

"What did he say?" he finally asked almost desperately because Abby suddenly had a radiant smile on her lips and had still started to cry at the same time.

"I think," she answered slowly, still staring at Gibbs. "I mean… he just asked me if he used to bring me CafPow!, Tony!"

Feeling his heart pick up pace, Tony stared at her for a long time, trying to figure out the strange sensation in his stomach. One part of him wanted to celebrate the fact that Gibbs seemed to remember something once again, but it was only a very small part in him. The rest of him felt like his heart had been ripped from his body and shredded to pieces. It wasn't rational, he knew that, and yet he couldn't help it. He wanted to cry, wanted to shout and he was furious all of a sudden. He held himself back, though, as he forced his hands to relax und uncurl and then, after taking a deep breath, he just turned around and left the others behind. He didn't manage not to slam the door behind him, though, causing a startled old lady who had just happened to walk by Jethro's room to let out a surprised cry.

"Sorry," Tony just mumbled without stopping as he hurried to get out of the hospital as fast as possible.

He was being stupid and he knew he should be glad that Gibbs' memory seemed to be coming back bit by bit, but he just couldn't help himself.

He was devastated.

He loved the guy so much, he had been there for him ever since he had taken the beating and yet it was Langer he remembered and it was Abby he remembered and not him. Granted, Abby was a huge part of Gibbs' life but it somehow didn't seem fair to him. Hadn't he deserved to be remembered, too? He had been in a relationship with the guy for over three years, had worked side by side with him for over ten. Didn't that count for anything?

He felt tears streaming down his face as he sat down on the bench where he once had had the conversation about going back to work with Vance. He didn't care to wipe the treacherous tears away this time, he didn't care what people might think of him. He simply didn't care. He needed to get himself under control, he knew that, but it didn't stop the resentment from boiling up right underneath the surface. He didn't want to feel that way and yet he couldn't help it. So, he let the tears fall freely as he leaned back against the backrest of the bench, staring into the sky that was slowly but steadily turning to black.

He had no clue how long he had been sitting there, watching the sun disappear, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It couldn't have been too long, though, because if one thing was for certain it was the tears that were still running down his cheeks.

"Tony?" Abby whispered gently as she sat down next to him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Tony mumbled, wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

"Try that again?" the Goth prodded, her hand finding its way to his thigh where it came to rest. "What has you so upset?"

Tony remained silent, his gaze fixed on one of the trees directly in front of him. He didn't want to talk about it, knowing that Abby would be mad at him for thinking like that. He didn't want to talk, period. He was so tired of talking. He was tired of talking to Jethro because it was no use whatsoever. He was tired of talking to an endless string of people who inquired about Gibbs' health. He was just freaking tired about it all. He wanted it to stop. He simply wanted it to stop.

"Tony? Come on, talk to me," she was almost pleading now and Tony finally turned to look at her, only to see her staring back at him, her make-up running down her cheeks because she, too, was crying. "What's wrong?" she continued as she realized that Tony had still made no move to answer. "Isn't it great that he remembered something? I mean it's nothing big and all, but it means that it's slowly coming back, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it's great," Tony finally answered, his voice tripping with more sarcasm than he had intended.

"Tony?"

"No, it's great he remembers. Totally great. Really awesome that he remembers you. And Langer. And the fucking CafPow! That's really great, Abs."

"Tony?" Abby asked again, her hand searching for Tony's, but he pulled it away from her. "This doesn't mean anything."

"How can it not?" he asked bitterly, once again averting his eyes to stare at the trees instead. "What is it that makes him remember you or Langer but not me? What is that makes him let you touch him and not me? What in the world have I done wrong? Huh? Can you tell me that?"

"You've done nothing wrong, Tony. You just have to be patient."

"I'm sick of being patient," he cried out now, feeling the anger hit him at full speed. "I just want something. Some tiny little thing from him but there's just nothing."

"It's not his fault," Abby said so calmly that Tony sat back again and looked at her. "It's not his fault."

"I know it's not his fault, okay?" he mumbled, rubbing a hand over his face to remove the evidence that he had been crying. "I know it's not and yet I can't help it. I've been there for the guy as much as I could. I've been working with him for most of the last twelve years and been living with him for the last two. How can he not remember me? Just how? Don't I deserve something? One tiny little thing? A goddamn touch? Don't I? How can all of that, all what we had just have vanished? I love him, Abby, and he doesn't remember any of it."

"Tony," Abby started but then trailed off and just took a good look at him before she almost forcefully wrapped her arms around him and this time he let her, not knowing what else to do anyway.

"How can he not remember?" he whispered again.

"He will," Abby answered just as quietly. "You'll see, he will remember. Don't be mad at him and don't blame yourself. You've been incredible these last couple of weeks, you hear me? And we all know that you're tearing yourself apart over this. I've been talking to McGee the other day and he's really worried, too. You don't eat enough and you don't take care of yourself anymore. You need to relax, need to go home once in a while to get away from all of this."

"I can't go home. He needs me here."

"Yeah, he does, Tony, but listen to me. You're getting more frustrated every day. You're not smiling and joking anymore. Remember how happy you were when you told me he smiled at you a couple of weeks ago? Remember how you felt that day? I want that Tony back. I want that Tony back who actually was glad that there was any progress. And you might not see it right now, but he has remembered another thing tonight and that is a huge progress. And still here you are, resenting me because it was my favorite drink he remembered. But it doesn't matter, Tony. The important thing is that he does remember stuff and the rest will come back eventually. So, don't be mad at him and go home. If not tonight, then tomorrow or the day after that. You need to relax because you're making Gibbs in there uncomfortable, too. He may not remember you right now but he does feel your frustration and your desperation and he's absorbing it. You know how upset he just was as you left like that? One moment you're like Mr. Sunshine and the next you're storming out the room and he has no idea why. You have to explain stuff like that to him. I'm sure he's just as frustrated as you are, if not more, that he can't remember anything about your relationship. And that's why you have to stay positive because you have to remember for both of you. You have to tell him about it, tell him about your first kiss or the day you wheedled him into moving in with him… all that stuff. I know you probably have told him about it already a hundred of times, but do it over and over again."

"I didn't," Tony admitted quietly, fixing his glance on his shoes and trying to wrap his head around what Abby had just told him.

"What?" Abby asked now, equally quiet and maybe even a bit shocked. "Why haven't you told him?"

"I just couldn't."

"He has no clue that you're a couple? He doesn't know you love him?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't know, Abs. Every time I tried in the beginning, it hurt too much thinking about it and that I might never get it back. It was easier when he still wasn't really conscious, but now it's… It's just too much."

"You have to tell him, Tony."

"Why? Why do I have to tell him? What difference does it make?"

"It makes all the difference. What do you think will happen if he remembers something and you never told him? What do you think he's going to do then?"

"Head-slap me?"

"Ha-ha, very funny," Abby scolded. "Tell him… tell him that you love him. Tell him what it feels like when he kisses you or whatever. As much as you deserve to be remembered as much does he deserve to know about you. Maybe something you tell him will trigger some memory. I have no clue how that works," she gave him a small smile, "but it might help."

"I don't think I can."

"Oh, you damn well can," Abby said determinedly said now as she stood up. "I don't care if you don't want to. You go in there now, apologize for storming out the way you did and I'll go get my stuff and leave the two of you alone. And then you tell him everything. And don't you dare contradict me now, DiNozzo, because I'm not done yet. When you're done with work tomorrow, you will go home, take a good long shower and lie down on the couch and watch some 007. I'll make sure to stay here tomorrow night, maybe I'll take Ziva or Tim with me, I'm sure they'd want to. So, you don't have to worry about anything, okay?"

Tony stared at her with wide eyes, trying to object but somehow didn't find the words. So, he just sat there, looking into her determined face as she waited for him to say something.

"You got that, DiNozzo?" she then said in a horrible attempt to imitate Gibbs, causing Tony, despite himself, to let out a bark of a laugh.

"Okay," he finally answered, his shoulders slumping. "I'll try, okay? I can't promise anything, but I'll try."

"Okay," Abby just said before she reached for his hand and helped him up to engage him in a tight hug. "I'm really sorry he remembered me," she then whispered so softly that Tony wasn't even sure she had said something.

"Not your fault, Abs."

"I'm still sorry."

Tony mutely nodded and then let go of her, steeling himself before he slowly walked back towards the dreaded hospital.

"Hey Tony," Abby spoke up just in front of Jethro's room. "I really am proud of you. You know that, right? I'm just really worried about you, that's all."

"I know," Tony nodded again and felt a small smile appear on his lips. "I know."

"Just wanted to make sure. Oh, and… while you're officially off Gibbs-duty tomorrow, go get yourself a haircut, will you?"

Tony let out a laugh again, suddenly not feeling so broken anymore. At least, he knew now that Abby would be there – no matter what.