A/N: Wow, just wow. I've never ever received so many reviews for one single chapter. I'm still looking at the number in disbelief. Seriously, you guys are so awesome.

Chapter Four: Dissolution

He let Ziva hold him for what seemed like a very long time. He hadn't realized before just how much he had missed touching someone and having someone close to him again. He had clung on to her for dear life and he knew that he would feel ashamed of it the next day, but it all didn't seem important. He just wanted someone to hold him and he wanted to cry and never stop. He had given Gibbs his everything and had gotten nothing in return for it. He knew that it wasn't the older man's fault, but he couldn't help but feel reproachful. He hadn't dwelled on that part for too long, though, simply because he just couldn't do it. Not then, not there. He was so exhausted and so drained, physically as well as psychologically, that it almost hurt. He didn't want to do anything. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want to eat and he certainly didn't want to let go of Ziva. And she seemed to understand him, even without him actually having to say the words. She just kept on holding him even after the tears had finally stopped falling, even after his sobs had finally died down and some of the tension had finally left his body. She never asked what had happened, nor offered any sort of consolation and that was exactly what Tony needed. He didn't want to answer questions, he just wanted to sit there and think of nothing. He didn't know when he finally fell asleep that night or when Ziva had left him alone on the couch and it hardly even mattered.

As he slowly came to consciousness early the next morning, he just lay there for a few minutes, his eyes still closed, trying to figure out if it all hadn't been a dream after all. If he could just ignore the smell of the aromatic candles that were so typical of Ziva's apartment, he could have fooled himself for a minute or two, but in the end he had to realize that it hadn't been a dream and the he was indeed at Ziva's because the fight with Gibbs had actually happened.

It hadn't been a dream because he had woken up the nightmare that was his life.

He sat up now, running a hand over his face before he looked around for a moment and realized that it had to be pretty early as the sun wasn't even out yet. He knew that he should probably try to go back to sleep, but that would be fruitless as he was sure that he wouldn't be able to do that anyway.

He realized that he needed to talk about it, needed someone else's opinion on his situation. Whenever things had come to worse in the past, he wouldn't have thought twice about where to go for that. Gibbs had always been the solid rock in his life ever since he had picked him up from Baltimore all those years ago. The older man never said much, but when he did have something to say, he had made it count, making Tony instantly feel better every time.

He felt his heart sink as the realization dawned on him that the only person he actually wanted to talk to was indeed Gibbs and he just couldn't do that. They really had gotten to that point of which they had been afraid when they had first gotten together. They had destroyed everything they had, they were no partners anymore, they were not even friends anymore and it suddenly hit Tony that he couldn't talk to the other guy anymore because he had once again failed the most important person in his life. Why did he always do that? Why?

He hadn't noticed that he had started crying again until Ziva had entered the living room, still in her pajamas, and had sat down next to him again. She wasn't touching him this time, but it didn't matter much because Tony just really wanted somebody to be there and she just… was.

"What have I done, Ziva?" he finally whispered, wiping away the tears from his cheeks.

"You did not do anything wrong, Tony," she calmly answered, looking at him with a serious expression on her face. "I am sure you did everything you could have done."

"But it wasn't enough."

"Yes, but that is not your fault. Look, I do not know what has happened between the two of you, but I am sure that it is not you who is to blame."

"I could've done more, been there for him more often. Maybe he'd still love me, then."

Ziva stared at him for a long moment, her mouth hanging open ever so slightly as if he had just told her the most ridiculous thing ever. She then subtly shook her head and patted his thigh for a moment.

"Tony, you ran yourself ragged to be there for him as often as you could. I am sure that Gibbs knows that, too. And I am also sure that he does still care for you. Maybe he will come around, yes?"

"Don't think so," Tony mumbled, once again swallowing down the knot in his chest that seemed to choke him. "He told me he didn't love me anymore and that… that he…" he trailed off, fearing that his next words would be nothing more than pathetic sobs.

"Shh, it is okay," Ziva soothed him. "Maybe he just needs time. In the meantime, try not to think about it too much."

"No, Ziva," Tony answered, looking at her. "He doesn't need time. He told me that there was no chance anymore. He just… I just… don't know what to do now… What do I do, Ziva? What do I do?"

"I do not know that, either. I am sorry."

"Do I move out? Do I send someone to get my stuff? I just don't know what to do. I mean… I'm not even mad, you know. Should I be mad at him?"

"I would be."

"Yeah," Tony slowly answered, trying to grasp what was really going on within himself.

After a little while, he realized that he really wasn't mad. He was just disappointed. Just so damn disappointed.

"God, I'm so pathetic," he finally continued. "I can't even be mad at him. I mean… How can I be mad at him when it's not even his fault?"

"No, it is not," Ziva replied. "But you can still be mad. You have to do what is best for you and maybe being mad would help you. Just… do not think about him, just try to figure out what is best for you right now."

"I don't even know how to do that," Tony answered as he leaned back against the backrest of the couch, sighing loudly.

"See? That is what I mean, Tony. You have been so focused on helping Gibbs to get better these last couple of months that you did not look out for yourself. You need to find yourself again. Keep your distance from him, live your life for once, maybe go away and take a vacation."

"Can't, I've used up all my comp time this year to be able to stay at the hospital."

It was Ziva's turn to sigh this time as she followed his lead and leaned back, turning her head to look at him.

"I am really sorry," she finally said after a moment of prolonged silence. "I really am."

"Thanks," Tony mumbled, wishing that he would be anywhere but there.

"I know I am not the best advisor in times like these, but I am here for you, okay?" she said then, giving Tony's shoulder a nudge. "You will get through this and I am going to help. Whatever you need. And I do have a guest room."

Tony stared at her for a moment before he nodded once, blinking away his tears again. He didn't want to cry anymore. He had cried so many times over these last couple of months that he was just tired of it. He didn't want to feel that way anymore. So helpless and so hopeless and above all so goddamn lonely. He knew that Ziva couldn't help to overcome those feeling, but he also knew that she would be there for him not matter what and that somehow helped him after all.

"Thanks," he finally muttered. "Really, I mean it. Thanks."

"Anytime, Tony."

.

True to his words, Tony showed up at work on Monday, despite still feeling miserable. Ziva had apparently told the others about his situation as Abby had come up first thing in the morning, had given him a hug, but hadn't said anything and McGee had just nodded at him, asking him if he wanted to go grab a beer after work sometime. Tony was grateful for that, as he hadn't been sure how to handle it all. He didn't want to talk about it anymore, hell, he didn't even want to think about it anymore. He hoped that work would distract him and while at times it did indeed seem like it was doing the trick, there were also times that Tony felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. Just looking at Jethro's still empty desk made him feel sick to his stomach as well as Tim's slip of tongue as he had called him boss. He knew that it all shouldn't feel that bad because it wasn't like Gibbs had been there for the last half a year, but it somehow felt even worse than before.

As the days went by, with Tony still staying the nights over at Ziva's and a never ending string of distractions offered to him, he realized that it was all no use. Working didn't distract him, neither did bowling with Abby and the nuns, the beers with McGee, nor the dinner with Ziva and Lucas. It all simply felt so wrong and the hole in Tony's chest seemed to grow bigger with every day that went by. He felt like he was missing a limp and sometimes when he lay awake at night, he wondered if the silence that had ruled between him and Jethro these last few weeks before they had broken up hadn't been better than this. At least he had been able to look at him and had been able to talk to him from time to time. He couldn't do that anymore and he didn't know how to fill the gigantic void the other man had left him with.

.

Two weeks after he had last set a foot in Gibbs' house, Tony was sitting in his car in the driveway in front of his old home, pondering whether or not to go in there. He knew he needed to because he needed his clothes and probably some of his DVDs because Ziva owed like three movies and he felt sure that he wouldn't be able to stand another evening with the Sound of Music. He could have sent McGee or Ducky to pick up his stuff, but somehow he didn't want them to. He knew that Gibbs was doing alright, at least according to Ducky and Jackson who had kept on calling him to catch him up on the other man's condition whenever they had visited Jethro. So, Tony didn't need to worry about his health, but he couldn't help but feel the urge to see him, even if it would tear his heart apart once and for all. He simply wanted to look at him again, make sure that he was indeed alright for one last time. He didn't know whether it would be enough, but he would take his chances. He knew he had to in order to be maybe able to move on somewhat, even if he had no idea how to even start doing that.

As he had finally plucked up his courage, had gotten out of his car and was just about to open the front door, he almost ran into Fornell who was just about to leave.

"DiNozzo," the FBI agent said quietly as he carefully closed the door behind him. "Can we talk for a second?"

"Uh, sure," Tony nodded as he followed Fornell a bit to the side. "What's up?"

Fornell snorted and then shook his head ever so slightly before he looked him into the eyes and Tony felt his heart miss a beat at the seriousness in the other man's expression.

"Listen, I don't know if you want to know, but the guy's miserable in there."

Tony cast down his eyes, fixing his glance on his shoes as he tried to figure out what the other man was aiming at.

"Yeah, well, so am I," he finally said as Fornell stayed quiet, figuring that it couldn't possibly hurt telling the guy that, it was probably plain to see anyway.

"Yeah," the older man replied thoughtfully. "Listen… I know it's really none of my business, but I do like the guy in there and hell, I might even like you."

Tony snorted, looking up for a moment, but couldn't dwell on that particular ridiculous thought for too long because Fornell quickly continued.

"I know none of this is your fault, but can't you two just be friends?"

"I don't think so," Tony mumbled, feeling more and more uncomfortable having that type of conversation with Fornell of all people.

"Not even for him?"

"Look, I know you probably mean well and all, but frankly I'm tired of it all. All I've done this past half a year was for him. I can't do that anymore, I'm exhausted."

"Fair enough," Fornell replied, subtly shaking his head again as he started to walk away from him, but Tony held him back.

"I don't expect you to understand. But I just can't do that right now."

"Thing is, Tony, I do understand… I've never been a big fan of yours…"

"No kidding," the younger man cut in but was only rewarded a slight scowl by the older guy, so he fell silent again.

"But you did make him happy," Fornell continued, casting a fugitive look into the general direction of the house as if he was afraid to be overheard. "Hell, he was smiling every time he just talked about you."

"Don't," Tony interrupted again, not willing to listen to him because it just hurt knowing that it would never be like that ever again.

"No, listen. Point is he misses you, even if he doesn't say it."

"Yeah, well, so do I. What does it matter? It doesn't change anything. He didn't even call."

"Of course, he doesn't call. He's a goddamn thickhead and stubborn beyond belief."

"That he is," Tony felt a small smile appear on his face, but fought hard to let it vanish as soon as he had noticed it. "But it doesn't matter. I just can't do this anymore."

"Fair enough, but keep the friendship thing in mind, will you? Just think about it."

With that and a curt nod, Fornell finally walked away from him, leaving Tony staring after him for a moment or two, suddenly feeling confused to no end. Fornell had never talked to him that much, let alone urged him to set things right with Gibbs. Tony knew that it wasn't any of the guy's business, but it also showed that he did actually care about Gibbs a lot and that he wanted him to be happy. But Tony couldn't possibly do that, could he? He simply couldn't be friends with the guy anymore, even if he desperately wanted to. It all just hurt too damn much.

Sighing and steeling himself, Tony finally walked up towards the front door and quietly opened it. He almost let out a cry of surprise when he saw Gibbs standing right in front of him, his left hand clutching the cane so tightly that his knuckles were already turning white and his eyes were piercing Tony's for a very long moment.

"How long have you been standing there?" Tony finally choked out as he had finally gotten his heartbeat under control.

He didn't even know whether it had sped up because of the surprise or because he was finally able to see him again and he didn't care to examine it too closely for the moment, afraid to miss anything that Gibbs might have to say to him. He would need to treasure the few moments he would have with the other man from now on because he knew that he wasn't likely to see him all that much anymore.

"A while," Gibbs finally answered, still standing there, breathing rather shallowly.

"You heard everything, didn't you?"

Gibbs just nodded, his eyes never leaving Tony's.

"Okay, then," Tony pressed out, not sure what to say.

"You… still staying with Ziva?" Gibbs unexpectedly asked now.

"Yeah."

"Okay," the older man replied and only now did Tony realize that he was shaking ever so slightly.

"I just came here to, uh, pick up some clothes. Didn't mean to bother you."

"You are no b-bother, T-Tony."

Tony stared at him Jethro for a moment, trying to fight down the sick feeling in his stomach at the broken sound of the older man's voice. He had apparently finally mastered to pronounce his name right and for a moment Tony couldn't help but feel the reproach well up inside of him. It was stupid and not Jethro's fault, he knew that, but he couldn't help it. Why had the guy finally managed to say his name when Tony hadn't been there? Why did all the important stuff always happen when he wasn't around?

"Hmm," he finally pressed out and was about to pass by the other guy in order to actually get his clothes as he felt a warm hand on his forearm, effectively holding him back.

His nerve endings suddenly seemed to be on fire as the sensation of being touched, actually being touched, by the other guy was suddenly whizzing through them. Almost involuntarily, he stopped and turned around, too aware of the sudden close proximity between them. Gulping audibly, he raised an eyebrow and avoided the eye contact as he fixed his glance at a point right above Jethro's head.

"Are you… al-alright?" Gibbs finally asked so quietly that Tony almost didn't catch it.

"No, I'm not," he answered truthfully, figuring that the older man would see through a lie anyway. "I've never been more not-alright if you really wanted to know."

"I am… 'm sorry."

"Don't be," Tony pressed out, stepping away from the other guy. "Just don't be. I don't need anyone's sympathy, especially not yours."

"But… I am and F-Fornell is right," Gibbs finally continued and Tony felt his eyes on him, but he still couldn't bring himself to look back at him. "I m-miss you."

"No, Gibbs," Tony blurted out, taking another step away from him. "Don't start. Don't do this to me."

He could feel the tears starting to well up again, but willed them down as he blinked rapidly a couple of times. This simply couldn't be happening right now. He couldn't do this, not when he was still so broken inside.

"But I d-do," Gibbs kept on pushing, apparently unaware of Tony's inner chaos. "M-miss having you a-around… m-miss your c-company."

"It's not enough, Jethro," Tony replied calmly, trying to keep holding on to the last piece of sanity. "It's not enough."

"Why not?" the older man asked and he did sound broken now, too, but Tony couldn't bring himself to care.

He needed to get out of there because this all couldn't be happening. Why was the other guy telling him that? Didn't he know how much he was hurting him with it? Didn't he know that it was exactly those words that would eventually kill him? He knew that Gibbs probably didn't understand why it was so bad that he missed him. But he was missing him for the wrong reasons. Tony wanted him to miss him because he wanted to hold him tight every night, wanted to kiss him until they didn't know where one of them ended and the other one started. But Gibbs didn't miss him for that. He might miss having him around the house and might miss their rare talks, but that's not what Tony wanted. He simply couldn't do that anymore and he suddenly felt stupid for having put up with all that crap for so long. Anger suddenly flared up inside of him, the anger he had waited for in vain two weeks previously.

"Well," he finally replied, his voice surprisingly steady for once. "I miss Magnum, P.I., too, but that doesn't mean they'll be bringing it back."

Gibbs stared at him with wide eyes, obviously taken aback by Tony's outburst.

"N-Not fair," he mumbled in response, actually taking a step back, too, now, as if he was afraid Tony would just lash out at him.

"Not fair?" Tony all but shouted, balling his hands into fists, desperately trying to hold back the anger and the disappointment. "Are you seriously telling me I'm not being fair?"

Gibbs shook his head and then, suddenly, something in his expression changed. It was a weird mix of determination and satisfaction and it caused Tony's gut to start churning.

"Just t-tell me," he finally answered, his voice imitating his look on his face. "What is n-not f-fair? I'm n-no invalid, so d-don't sugar…," he stopped for a moment and Tony realized that he was having trouble finding the word once again. "Sugar… top it?"

"Coat, Gibbs. Sugarcoat… and I shouldn't?"

Gibbs just shook his head again and Tony took a deep breath as he felt his anger finally bubbling over as if it had been waiting for that moment for a very long time.

"You want to know what's not fair? I've done nothing but be there for you and I've got nothing in return and now Fornell, of all people, tells me to be friends with you, just so you wouldn't miss me anymore? How is that fair, huh? Why don't I get anything in return for it? Do you even care how the hell I'm feeling about all of this? Do you? And if you missed me that much, why didn't you just call me? I told you could, but hey, you didn't. And you want to tell me I'm not being fair? Seriously?"

"D-didn't think you w-would want me t-to," Gibbs replied, his voice suddenly sounding frantic as if he hadn't expected that kind of reaction.

And he probably hadn't. Tony had never shouted at him ever since he had woken up from his coma, had never called him up on anything and only now did the younger man realize that he really should have done that. Gibbs was, after all, doing pretty well these days and there hadn't really been a reason anymore to handle him with kid gloves.

"I don't know if I would have wanted it? I don't know what I want, okay? I want to hate you for doing this to me and at the same time I miss you so much it hurts sometimes."

"'m sorry," Gibbs mumbled and stepped forwards again but as he saw Tony flinch away from him, he stopped dead in his tracks.

"Don't be sorry, Gibbs. Listen," he finally started over again as he saw the broken look on the other man's face and felt his own anger slowly fade away. "I didn't mean to shout at you. I know it's not your fault, but you can't just tell me that you miss me. Not like that. I can't do this, I just… I mean, was Fornell right? Do you really want to be friends?"

"T-Tony," Gibbs quietly answered, his voice suddenly so gentle that the younger man felt something in his stomach start to flutter. "I d-don't know, b-but I d-do miss you. I remember you as my agent and I remember you as my f-friend. I know what you d-did for me this year, I really d-do. No m-matter of c-course and I… thank you f-for that."

Tony stared at him wide-eyed, realizing that this was exactly what he had desperately wanted to hear all this time. That he hadn't done all of it for nothing, that Jethro actually did know who exactly he had let walk away from him. Something inside him dissolved itself and he was suddenly able to breathe more freely than he had in months. It didn't make it easier, though. Tony knew that Gibbs had told the truth, he was missing him and so did Tony, but it still wasn't enough.

"C-Can't we," Jethro spoke into the poignant silence when the younger man was still trying to organize his thoughts. "G-go back to that?"

"You really want to be friends with me?" Tony asked now, running a shaky hand through his hair.

Gibbs nodded curtly, his eyes never leaving Tony's and for a brief moment, Tony thought that it all really could be that easy. He could just say yes and he would be able to see the other man on a regular basis again, hang out with him again, maybe touch him again. But it wasn't what he wanted. He simply couldn't go back to that, not when he had experienced everything else, not when he loved the guy so much that he couldn't sleep at night because it hurt not to be able to be with him. He knew that it would be the best for Jethro to try to be friends with him, but it would tear Tony apart. He simply couldn't do it. He just couldn't.

"I can't, Gibbs," he finally forced himself to say, even though every part of his body screamed at him not to continue. "I wish I could, but it's not enough, I'm sorry."

He watched Gibbs stare right back at him for a very long time, never moving, never even blinking. It was only after the first tear trickled down onto the older man's cheek that Tony found himself able to move. He stepped towards the other man and then pulled his arms around him. Gibbs let him this time as he buried his face in Tony's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Tony mumbled. "I love you, but I can't do this. I'm so sorry."

"N-no," Gibbs replied equally quiet, his voice muffled by the fabric of Tony's shirt. "'m s-sorry. I wish I remembered."

They didn't speak afterwards. They just continued to stand there for a very long time, holding on to each other for dear life. In fact, Tony could still feel the other man's arm around him, could still smell the other guy when he was already lying in bed in Ziva's guest room hours later as he desperately tried to keep his tears from falling. He knew that he had made the right decision, had done the right thing for himself and maybe even for Jethro. What he didn't understand was why it had to hurt so damn much, why the other man's… everything still clung to him, seemingly not wanting to let go. He just wanted it to be gone, wanted to forget about it all and finally wanted to fall asleep without dreaming of the other man.

His subconscious mind, though, wouldn't do him that particular favor for another five weeks.

A/N: That's the last chapter of Part III... last part should be up pretty soon, too. Thanks for reading.