A/N: Thanks so much for your reviews! :)

Chapter Three: Recollection

A few weeks later Tony couldn't help but realize that he was doing better in comparison. He probably still had a long way ahead of him to be happy again, but it seemed to be almost enough for the moment. Gibbs and he had gone out to dates a couple of times, talked to each other over the phone almost daily and while Tony liked the fact that there were somewhat getting back on track, he wasn't quite sure what to do with this newly found friendship kind of thing. He hadn't wanted to be friends with the guy, but he had had to realize that they were heading dangerously towards the friend-zone these days. While Gibbs really seemed to put an effort into getting to know him again and getting closer to him, it somehow left Tony emptier with every date they went on. He wanted to talk to the guy again, wanted to spend time with him and still it all left him unsatisfied. But maybe it would have to be enough for now. He couldn't make Jethro love him, he couldn't force himself on him and maybe they weren't meant to be lovers again. Perhaps this was a possibility that he would have to accept in the end. But it didn't mean that he would give up that easily.

Despite the frustration of not really getting anywhere with Gibbs, Tony was doing a lot better. Even he, himself, noticed that he was much less moody, wasn't that tired anymore and actually enjoyed doing stuff again. He suddenly had fun in noisy clubs with Abby and laughed at her when the worst possible guy wanted to dance with her. He loved going to Ziva's again, playing board games and getting to know her boyfriend, who turned out to be a really great guy. Tony was happy for her because Ziva really deserved someone who she could trust and rely on after everything she had been through and Lucas seemed to be the right guy for that. The others seemed to have noticed the change in him, too, and weren't fixing him with concerned glances all the time, even Tim, who had never mentioned their talk on the night Gibbs had first asked him out again, seemed to have accepted that it had apparently been the right decision.

And indeed, it had been right giving Gibbs another chance. For Tony's sanity that was. For all the other stuff, he wasn't quite so sure about, but he would go along with it as long as Gibbs would want him to. It was as simple as that. Even if that meant going out on dates where the older man would have never gone before, like the cinema to watch a Marvel adaption or to a jazz club. Through them all, however, Gibbs seemed to be genuinely interested in the stuff they were doing, genuinely happy to be with Tony, but the younger man also knew that there was still some kind of invisible barrier between them. A wall that neither of them seemed to be able to climb over. Tony desperately wanted to, though, and he wouldn't stop trying until Jethro told him not to.

.

"Probie," Tony cried out one Friday afternoon and then started to smirk when both Dorneget and McGee turned to look at him. "Sorry, I meant the McProbie, Ultraprobie."

"You know, Boss," Ned spoke up, blushing slightly. "I'm not technically a probie, you know that, right?"

"Don't start," McGee answered before Tony could, smirking ever so slightly. "You'll be Ultraprobie till the day… I don't know, till the day you die, I guess. Complaining about it will only make it more frequently used, trust me."

"He's right," Tony grinned, ignoring Ziva's snort. "Anyway, Tim, are you up for a couple of beers tonight?"

"Actually," McGee answered, blushing now, too. "I wanted to ask you whether you could… uh, you know… stay the night someplace else? I know I can't just ask that, but I kind of, uh…"

"You want to get laid tonight!" Tony cried out and stood up, going over to Tim's desk before he continued more quietly. "Who is it? The cute girl you were talking about nonstop since that night at the bar with Abby?"

"Not that it's any of your business," McGee replied, grinning at him ever so slightly. "But yes. Lilly's really nice."

"That's great, Tim," Tony replied, the teasing tone from before replaced by genuine happiness for the other guy. "I'll find somewhere to crash the night, no worries. Have fun."

"Thanks."

.

Finding a place to sleep for the night turned out to be much more difficult than he had imagined. Ziva already had plans to have a night in with Luke and Abby was having her brother and his wife over. Just as he was about to call the nearest motel, his cell phone chirped to life and Tony couldn't help the smile on his lips when Gibbs' name showed up on the display.

"Hey Jethro," he greeted the older man, already googling the phone number of the motel.

"Hi," Gibbs replied and Tony still couldn't suppress the tingly feeling in his stomach whenever Gibbs actually said hello, as he had gotten so used to his usual barks over the phone. "D-do you have any p-plans for t-tonight? I know it's short n-notice."

"Actually I haven't," Tony replied. "What do you want to do?"

"N-not sure," Gibbs replied hesitantly and Tony immediately knew that the older man was lying through his teeth because Tony knew that tone. It was the one he always used these days when he just wasn't sure how to tell him something. "W-Would you want t-to c-come over?"

Tony released a breath and ran a hand through his hair. He hadn't been in his old home ever since he had confronted Gibbs about retiring all these weeks previously. It wasn't like he didn't want to go there, but Jethro had never offered to stay in before, so Tony hadn't asked. He didn't know whether it was a step forwards, a step towards a closer relationship, but he was willing to find out.

"I'd love to," he finally replied. "Want to watch the Capitols game?"

"S-sounds good."

"Uh, Gibbs," Tony continued, anidea suddenly forming in his mind. "There's… uh… a problem. I'm kind of homeless tonight."

"How c-come?"

"McGee has this new girlfriend and he wants her to… well, you know, so he asked me if I could stay the night someplace else and I really wouldn't ask you, but Abby and Ziva are busy and…"

"It's okay," Jethro put an end to his rambling. "The c-couch's free."

"Thanks."

"Okay then, I'll be there at around seven? What do you want to eat? Chinese?"

"S-Sounds good," Jethro said again and when Tony was just about to hang up on him, he continued. "It's n-not some psycho stalker or k-killer girl this t-time, r-right?"

"No," Tony let out a laugh. "We've met her at a bar a couple of weeks ago. She seemed nice."

"S-seemed?" Gibbs replied and for a moment he sounded so alike the old impatient Gibbs that Tony's stomach made a back flip.

"Yeah," Tony slowly answered unable to hold back the grin on his lips. "And I kind of did a background check on her when Tim wasn't around."

Gibbs let out a laugh at that and then said goodbye, leaving Tony grinning at Ziva's empty desk like an idiot.

.

A couple of hours later Tony felt like he was in the Twilight Zone, so normal the evening had passed by so far. They were sitting on the couch next to each other, their shoulders touching ever so slightly, the empty cartons of Chinese discarded on the coffee table where both of their feet were now resting. It was like nothing had ever happened, as if the last year had not been existent. They had done stuff like that for what seemed like a thousands of times and Tony couldn't help but feel himself relax around the other man like he hadn't done in months. Of course, there was still the tiny little thing that Gibbs was sitting there rather stiffly and hadn't been all that talkative tonight, but Tony was used to that by now. He didn't question it anymore, knowing that Gibbs would talk about it once he was ready.

"Well, that was a waste of time," Tony said when the match finally ended with a devastating loss of the Capitols.

"S-Sure was," Jethro replied sourly before he yawned widely.

"You don't have to stay up for me, you know that, right?"

"Yeah," Gibbs said as he switched off the TV and turned to look at Tony instead. "There's something I wanted t-to t-talk to you about."

"Okay?" Tony just said, feeling his insides clench as he saw the serious expression on the other man's face. Fearing the worst, he asked, "What is it?"

"I," Jethro started, once again rather reluctantly. "D-don't t-take it the wrong way now, but why are you still d-doing this?"

"Doing what?" Tony replied confused, not knowing what the older man was zeroing in on.

"G-go out with m-me."

"Why would I stop doing that? Do you want me to stop?" Tony asked, feeling an iron fist suddenly clutching his insides.

Was Gibbs actually just breaking up with him again? After they had finally somewhat found themselves again?

"N-no," Gibbs replied so vehemently that Tony couldn't stop the small smile from forming on his lips. "I just m-meant… it must be weird for you t-to d-do it."

"It is a bit," Tony admitted. "But weird never stopped me from anything."

"B-but you d-don't have t-to," Gibbs replied and for a moment his eyes looked so haunted that Tony wanted to draw him into a tight embrace and never let go.

"I know that, Gibbs. But I want to try this because it has been so good before and maybe we'll actually get it back some time, you know."

"B-but it m-must be frustrating for you."

"It is," Tony slowly replied, looking the other man in the eyes, momentarily losing himself in the bright blue. "But I hope it will be worth it in the end. That is if you want it, too. Because, well, if you think it's weird or something, I'd understand."

"N-No, n-not weird," Gibbs replied, leaning a bit away from him now. "I just n-never understood why you would d-do it."

"Do what? Spend time with you? I love spending time with you, Jethro. I love talking to you and you want to know why? Because I love you, it's as simple as that. I know you don't love me, at least not like that, but I can see that you're trying here and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. When we… I mean when I told you I couldn't be friends with you, I really meant it. All the memories were eating me up alive and you not knowing about any of them just… I don't know, ripped my heart apart. It's not your fault and all, that's for sure, but back then I couldn't have done that whole friendship thing. I'm not sure whether I could do it now to be honest. But we're heading there right now, I'm not fooling myself that we aren't, and somehow it's easier now. Don't get me wrong, I don't just want to be friends with you and I really hope that you will start to see all the things that you've once seen in me, but I also know that it might not happen," Tony took a deep breath before he continued quickly, needing to get all of it off his chest. "It's just… now that I know you were willing to try… It means a lot to me, but I don't want you to keep on going just because you feel like you have to do it for me. I mean, I love you more than you probably can imagine, but I wouldn't be mad if you wanted to stop trying. I'd get it and maybe I'd even manage to stay friends with you because it feels pretty damn good to see you on a regular basis again. So damn good."

"Tony," Gibbs started, his voice shaky now as he looked away from him for a moment before his glance returned to Tony's eyes. "I d-don't want t-to stop t-trying. Sometimes I just think that I'm unfair. What if I c-can't return it and you… you know."

"You're just as bad at talking about that crap as you've always been," Tony grinned ever so slightly and noticed with some satisfaction that his attempt to lighten the mood somewhat had been successful as Gibbs visibly relaxed at his words.

"Listen," the younger man replied. "You won't hurt me just because you want to keep on trying, even if it won't work out. I promise."

"Thanks," Jethro just replied thoughtfully before they fell silent.

Tony knew that Gibbs wasn't done talking just yet, but he didn't want to pressure him. He knew how much he hated talking about his feelings, even more so after his coma. So, he just waited, looking at him intently and after what seemed like a very long time, Gibbs finally continued.

"Sometimes," he said, locking eyes with him again. "There just seems t-to b-be something in the back of m-my m-mind. I d-don't know what it is – I n-never d-do. You know, l-like a m-memory or something and I know it's there, but I just can't s-seem to reach it. I just can't grab it. It's so frustrating. I know that there is something there, but I c-can't d-do anything 'bout it. But I really w-want t-to."

Tony just nodded, not quite sure what exactly Gibbs wanted to tell him.

"I just really want t-to remember," the older man finally concluded, looking so broken that Tony, once again, just wanted to hug him.

"I know," he answered softly. "I know you do."

"I… know it's n-not enough," Gibbs said and then to Tony's utter surprise moved closer and laid his head on the younger man's shoulder.

Tony's arm came around the other guy almost automatically as he tried to keep his heartbeat in check. His heart was beating frantically at the unexpected touch. He rubbed Jethro's shoulder for a while, not knowing what to say or what to do. He knew he couldn't help him. He had done everything he could think of, had told him countless stories about their time together, showed him hundreds of pictures to trigger some sort of memory. Nothing had helped, so he just kept on sitting there now, holding the other man until his breathing slowed down and eventually evened out.

He didn't quite know how long he just sat there like that, savoring in the other man's body against his own, savoring in the contact that he had yearned for so long before Gibbs finally moved again and then sat up, sleepily rubbing his eyes.

"Come on," Tony softly coaxed, unwilling to let go of the moment just yet. "Let's get you to bed."

"Yeah," Gibbs just replied as he got up and then just stood there for a moment before he leaned closer to kiss Tony's cheek.

Tony felt his cheek burn up, still felt the lips that had barely touched his skin even after the door to Jethro's bedroom had already closed behind him. He didn't know what it meant, didn't know if it even meant anything, but maybe, maybe this was exactly what he had needed right there and right then - one tiny gesture to know that he had been right giving it all a chance.

When he finally laid down on the couch, draping the blanket over his body, he couldn't help but realize that this had been the best day since Gibbs had woken up because he, Tony, was the one who had finally woken up from the nightmare this time.

.

The weeks passed by quickly after that. Gibbs hadn't tried to touch him, let alone kiss him again, but it was okay with Tony. He knew that he needed to be patient and that Gibbs would tell him he was ready – for moving on or ending it. Tony wasn't quite sure where exactly they were standing, but he didn't let himself think too much about it. He was content for the time being with just spending time with the other man, even if that time was rather rare lately. Dead sailor after dead sailor had showed up, leaving him and his team barely with time to catch their breaths. He knew that McGee and especially Ziva really needed a break, but he couldn't help them, they'd need to get through it; it wasn't the first time they had done it after all. Dorneget, on the other hand, seemed to thrive under the intense case load and Tony realized that he had made the right decision in taking him under his wing. He liked the guy, he was loyal and hard-working and despite his awkward clumsiness and his ability to put his foot in his mouth at the most inappropriate moments, he was by now a valuable asset to their team. Tony had told Jethro about him, too, and while the older man had just nodded, never saying a word, it was all Tony needed to know that he agreed with his choice. He hardly remembered the guy, but as long as he had their sixes, Tony knew that Gibbs would like Ned, too.

With lots of cases and late nights, Tony didn't even have the chance to think about his relationship with Jethro too much. He still enjoyed seeing him from time to time, missed him like hell when he couldn't, but they had never continued their talk about stopping or keep on trying. In all honesty, Tony wasn't entirely sure he really wanted to. Thing were still a little weird, were still a bit awkward from time to time, but it had gotten better somewhat and Tony hoped that it would get good eventually, even if he could still feel Gibbs' tenseness sometimes and his odd urge to isolate himself whenever things were getting a little too intimate – even if that only meant that their shoulders had touched for a second or Tony's hand had shortly brushed his own.

It was still hurting Tony inside, but not as much as it had used to and he didn't even know whether it was a good or bad thing. Maybe it meant that he had learned to wait or maybe it meant that he didn't care as much anymore. He really didn't know and he tried, almost desperately, not to think too much about it.

.

"Can you believe we actually got a whole weekend to ourselves with no work?" Tony yawned widely as he flopped down on the couch next to McGee.

It was a little over nine o'clock at night and they had finally closed their most recent case a few hours previously before Tony had sent them and himself home. The reports could wait until Monday after all.

"I actually can't," Tim all but groaned as he switched on the television and flipped through a few channels before he settled on a documentary about the Spanish pond turtle.

Tony wanted to tell him that he couldn't think of anything more boring than turtles under water, but simply didn't have the energy to speak anymore. Instead, he just reached for a blanket and covered himself with it. It had been cold outside and raining for days now. He was just glad to stay in tonight and if that meant watching that documentary with Tim, he'd take it and gladly at that because he wasn't entirely sure whether or not he remembered how feeling bored felt like exactly.

His eyelids were already growing heavy half an hour later and he was just about to go to bed when a loud knock on the door disrupted the relative silence in the room. Next to him, McGee jerked awake almost violently and Tony chuckled ever so slightly as he got up.

"Relax. It's probably just your neighbor Mrs. Paddington who forgot to buy some milk for her cats or something," he said as he slowly made his way to the door.

The person on the other side of it was still knocking relentlessly and without pause and Tony grumbled as he sped up as much as his tired limbs would let him.

"Calm down," he finally said when he opened the door. "I'm not that fast."

He fell silent, though, as he saw Jethro standing there, soaking wet from the rain outside, but he didn't even seem to care or even notice as he just stood there staring right back at Tony with an expression on his face that he hadn't seen in a very, very long time.

"Jethro, what –" Tony started, but was cut off by the older man as he stepped into Tim's living room, his eyes never leaving his.

"Shh," he finally spoke up, putting a rather shaky index finger against Tony's lips, who felt himself get all fuzzy inside at the touch.

Gibbs remained silent for a moment or two before a wide smile spread on his face and Tony couldn't help but return it, even though he had no clue what was going on. He just hadn't seen him smile like that in over a year – if ever – and it was kind of infectious. He didn't know what Jethro wanted or why he was there in the middle of the night, dripping wet. He remained silent, though, waiting for the older man to continue. After a little while, he finally did.

"Remember when I couldn't remember about the thing with Leon's wife?" he said, strangely enough without his usual stutter. At Tony's mute nod, he continued more quickly as if he couldn't get it out fast enough. "I r-remember now."

"Remember what?" Tony asked, the smile back on his face as he saw the sheer happiness in the other man's eyes.

"She asked m-me," Jethro continued hastily as if it talking more slowly would make him forget about it again. "Whether you and I w-wanted to have d-dinner at their house."

Tony blinked a couple of times, not quite sure why the other man was so excited about that little piece of memory. It wasn't like it was a gigantic revelation. But as he continued to look into those icy blue eyes, he suddenly realized another thing.

"You and me?" he finally asked and felt his heart speed up at Gibbs' nod.

"But that's n-not what I wanted to t-tell you," Gibbs finally continued, stepping impossibly closer to him. "The r-reason I'm here is… and why this is important… It… it was the morning before… before everything happened. Remember, I asked you if you wanted to g-go and you were g-grumbling because you don't like Leon. I think I said s-something about the k-kids liking you, J-Jared especially and you finally agreed t-to d-do it."

Tony stared at him, feeling the pulse rush loudly through his ears, feeling tears well up just beneath his eyelids as he tried to make sense of everything Gibbs was saying. Was he actually remembering this? Was he actually remembering something about the two of them again? Just as he wanted to reply something – anything… even if he had no clue what exactly he wanted to say because he wasn't entirely sure he could speak right now - Jethro beat him to talking.

"D-d you remember when you told me that you couldn't remember our last kiss?"

Tony nodded mutely, holding his breath as Jethro stepped even closer, so close in fact that he could see very single raindrop on the other man's hair.

"I c-can," he whispered. "You were still sulky, but before we went out of the house, you turned around and gave me a quick peck on the lips. It was the most normal thing on earth, like you've had all the time in the world to repeat it all over again at another time. You t-tasted of your hideous hazelnut creamer and c-coffee."

Tony could feel the first tear run down his cheeks now, could feel happiness suddenly bubble up inside of him, threatening to boil over, but none of that mattered. In fact, he knew that nothing mattered at all anymore. All what was important was standing right in front of him, still smiling at him, even though his eyes were shimmering with unshed tears now. So when Tony finally closed the still remaining distance between them, cupping Jethro's face with both of his hands, he didn't need to think twice about touching the guy, didn't need to think about that he maybe didn't want him to. He just knew that all that had happened this past year didn't matter – would not matter ever again. He took a deep look into the bright blue eyes for a moment longer before he finally leaned into the other man and was met halfway as their lips found each other.

His lips were still as soft as he remembered them, the pressure was still right and when he felt Jethro's tongue asking for entrance, he let his lips slide apart without hesitation. Gibbs still tasted like he always had and even though, it was rather salty-tasting this time, and Tony wasn't sure whether it were his tears or Jethro's, it was the most wonderful taste in the world. He had no clue how long they had already kissed each other when Gibbs' arms came around his waist, drawing him even closer or when he heard the front door close as McGee apparently left his own apartment.

It didn't matter. I simply didn't matter because Tony was finally whole again with the other man in his arms. He didn't know what else to do, so he just held the other man in his arms, kissing him until they both didn't know where one ended and the other one began. If Tony had his will, he would stay like that forever and even if they couldn't, he knew that somehow it would all be alright again.

A/N: So, this was the second to last chapter. Hope you liked it... Last chapter should probably be up on Thursday or Friday at the latest. Thanks for reading!