Hello again. Happy April. Thanks for everything.

It's Thursday and I skip school. It's not that I want to, but I wake up in the morning and my eyes burn and my head hurts and my chest aches and I can't make myself get up, so I go back to sleep. For the first time in a long time, I want to go to school – I don't want it to look like I skipped because of Beck, because I didn't, really, but I feel horrible, and I care more about myself than what other people think of me.

I wake up for the second time at noon and my mother is home for lunch. She's far from happy that I didn't go to school, but it's nothing compared to how she would react if she actually knew how messed up I've been lately. She yells at me a little, but she gets tired of me ignoring her and returns to the kitchen while I go back to sleep.

At 4:30, I wake up for the third time, and although my head is still throbbing, I get out of bed to take a shower. When I finally get dressed and go downstairs, it's just after 5 o'clock and my parents are both standing in the kitchen, in complete silence. I stand in the entryway, not sure what to say, and we all stare at each other for a moment, until my father finally speaks.

"Jade," he says, "your mother and I are worried about you."

My mother wants me to see a shrink. My father doesn't want to pay, but he's thinking if he sends me to another one, maybe this time he'll finally get a normal daughter back. A boring, acceptable one. I love to disappoint him, and I do it well.

I refuse, and mom looks like she's about to cry. Maybe she should see a psychiatrist.

"We understand that you're grieving, and that's okay." She says, resting her arm around my shoulders as she tries to comfort me. I push her off and back away, and she just stares at me. "But honey…" She begins again, "You're not grieving in a healthy way. We're concerned." I remind them both once again that 'professional help' is a joke but they don't falter.

"You don't have a choice, Jade." My father says with the same lack of emotion that I'm growing to expect from all men. Mom nods in agreement but gives me a weak little smile. "If you don't go your mother and I have decided that we will no longer pay for you to go to that school." That school. "It's a therapist or public school. Take your pick."

"Public school." I answer without hesitation, though I never really had a choice in the matter.

…

It was a Saturday when I brought it up for the first time.

"What do you think it feels like?" I asked Tori, as she laid beside me on top of the dark green covers of a bed display in the back of Bed, Bath, and Yonder.

"You mean…?" She didn't finish but she knew what I was talking about. I'm sure the thought of it probably scared her. It scared me, a little, not because of what I would need to go through, but because of what would happen afterward.

"Yeah." She played with the edge of the pillowcase below her head before she said a word.

"Well…it hurts… I mean, it always does on TV and in movies… But I'm sure they exaggerate it."

"Aww." I tried to sound disappointed but she could tell I was kidding. It's funny, how she thought I was serious for so long and now could tell so easily when I was joking. I almost miss the days when she truly believed I was as deranged as I tried to make her think I was.

"And then when it's over…you'll be all…gross…and sore…but then they'll bring you your baby and it will just be so…perfect…you know? And eventually you'll get to go home and screw up that baby as much as you want to, within reason." She laughed, but I didn't.

"I've been thinking…" I said to her, although the thought had only really just occurred to me. "Maybe I'm not…Beck and I aren't really…parent material…"

"You think so?" She asked, a strange tone in her voice that I couldn't quite identify. "I bet you'd be great parents. You two could be like…the perfect combination. Like those awesome parents you see on sitcoms all the time."

"I try to picture it…Beck playing catch with a little boy in the front yard, or putting up with a stupid tea party with a little girl…but I feel so…disconnected. I can't see myself in either situation at all…and deep down…I know Beck wouldn't be that kind of dad." Tori reached for my hand and took it in hers, but didn't say a thing. "I mean, they say that a woman becomes a mother at conception and a man becomes a father at birth, but I really…I don't feel that connection that I'm supposed to have, and I'm afraid that I'll never have that bond, and I'll only give my baby a childhood like what I had. Lonely and…empty."

"I think the fact that you're worrying about it," She finally spoke up, trying her best to sound comforting, "proves that you'll give your baby a better life than what you've had."

"I hope so." I finally pulled my eyes away from the ceiling, miles above me, and ran my hand over my stomach, realizing that I could no longer see my feet when I laid that way. My body had swollen up just enough to hide the tips of my toes from me.

"W-what were you thinking?" Tori asked, rolling onto her side to face me. "If you don't think you can raise a baby, then…"

"Adoption, I guess. " I really hadn't thought about it much prior to that moment. I'd known I was absolutely terrified, but I hadn't really thought about a solution yet. "Abortions freak me out." I admitted. Tori looked at me, surprised. I'm sure she probably thought I was the type of person who could keep an aborted fetus in a jar in my bedroom. "But then again…I think we've got enough children growing up, wondering 'why didn't my mother love me?'"

"You've got months to think about it." Tori assured me. She obviously had no idea what else to say.

"I do." I agreed, mostly because I just didn't want to think about it any longer. "I shouldn't be freaking out yet. I've got six months to freak out. Right now, I need to relax." Sitting up, Tori looked at me with a smile.

"You do." I don't think she had any kind of idea what I was thinking when she encouraged me like that.

Two hours later, once the sun had officially set, we snuck into the back yard of the house two doors down from mine. At the time, it had been for sale, and the previous owners had just moved out, leaving their unguarded home open to people like myself and Tori. She didn't really have any idea what I was planning, but she went along with it. She liked to make people happy, and when it came to our weird little friendship, we were both happiest when she did what I wanted her to.

"Jade, what are we doing?" She whispered as I forced the pathetic little gate – which was obviously just for show, as the lock couldn't even keep animals out - open and pulled her into the back yard with me.

"You'll see." I smiled and she looked terrified, which was kind of exhilarating. "My horrible childhood is over now, but in a few months I'll be skipping over that whole reckless young adult phase and going straight to boring, responsible adult mode, so I'm going to enjoy the time I've got, before I turn into an elephant and become physically incapable of doing anything fun." I peeked into the window in the back of the house, into the kitchen, just to make sure the place was empty, and then returned to the gigantic swimming pool, still clean from the open house the previous weekend. Tori was still confused, and started to question me as I pulled my shirt over my head.

"Are we going to get caught? What are we even- WHOA." She suddenly turned away, her skin glowing bright red in the small amount of light from the streetlight in the front of the house. "What are you doing?"

"Skinny dipping." I answered, and she snuck a peek at me, which I pretended not to notice. Her face turned a deeper red anyway.

"Skinny dipping?" She questioned, like she thought I was joking. I dropped all my clothes in a pile on the concrete and slid into the pool, while she stood on the blue tiles lining the perimeter, not moving.

"Yes. Don't act like you've never wanted to try it." I clung to the edge of the pool and stared up at her, trying to convince her to join me without having to say it out loud. "Come on, Tori. It's dark, it's not like we can see anything. Just do something immature with me for once." I watched her roll her eyes at me, but she caved and started to pull her shirt over her head. She was wonderfully uncomfortable with the whole thing but she did it anyway. I vaguely remember how much darker her skin looked beneath her clothes, how she didn't have any tan lines, and how I felt self-conscious about my nearly transparent skin for about three seconds, until she leapt into the pool a couple of feet away from me.

When she surfaced, her face wasn't red anymore, and she was smiling. The pool lights were off and the combination of light from the nearest streetlight and the crescent moon weren't quite enough to light the water. She looked like a floating head.

"This is probably the most rebellious thing I've ever done." She admitted, slightly out of breath. I laughed as she swam closer, but I couldn't find the right words to make fun of her, so I passed on that opportunity.

"Have you ever had a real best friend before? A female one, I mean. Beck doesn't count." She dipped below the water for a moment, spitting some out when she popped back up, still expecting an answer from me.

"I had one really good friend in middle school…but I don't know if she was a best friend. Best friends stick around, don't they? Obviously she didn't." I swam backward across the pool, slowly gliding to the other side. "Have you?" She didn't say anything for a moment, and just kept treading water in the center of the pool.

"No." She slowly floated away from me, back to the other side, near the ladder. Her arms stretched out, grabbing a hold of the edge of the pool to keep her in place. I grinned in the darkness and whispered in response,

"Then I'm your first."

…

It's Friday and the clock says 2:43 AM but I am still awake. I should be sleeping. This is going to be a busy day for me. My fascist parents made me an appointment with their favorite therapist days ago, knowing they'd be able to force me to go. After another horrible day at school, I have no choice but to go across town and see this stupid shrink. Maybe if I fake an illness I can go to the hospital instead, and stay there for a while.

A thin black notebook lies on my stomach while I am stretched out flat on my back in bed, and my fingers play with the ragged edges while I avoid opening it up. I need to read it eventually, but I'm afraid to. With one deep breath, I flip it open as fast as I can, and tilt it up so I can see it. I turn a few pages, until I see my own face, put together with paper and graphite, staring back at me. It's smudged in several places. I'm sure there were probably several parts that she erased and redrew over time. My eyes move to my name and start to follow the words down the page.

- Jade West is the worst person I've ever had the misfortune to know. It's no coincidence that she shares her last name with the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz.

- The very first time I met her, I'd just spilled my drink on Beck and was trying to help him clean it up. I guess I didn't make a very good first impression, but now she honestly hates me, and she has no reason to. I can't help but wonder why she feels so threatened by me. I don't want her boyfriend, though she does have very good taste in boys.

- Jade is an evil, demented, psychologically screwed up person, but she's very unique. Never in my life have I met anyone like her. I think that's why I want her to like me so much. She's awful to me, and any normal person would just avoid anyone who treated them the way she's been treating me, but I can't help it. She's kind of fascinating, really. I wish I knew what went on in her head.

- She has to know by now that I'm not after Beck. I don't understand why she still hates me so much. Am I really that awful?

- Jade terrifies me. I feel like I suddenly have no idea who I am, and nobody has ever made me feel that way before. Why do I need her to like me? Why does she refuse to?

- I wondered for a long time what a guy like Beck was doing with Jade, but now I think I understand. Sometimes I feel like I might be attracted to her. I think everybody is, to some degree.

- Jade is so irritating. Just when I think we might possibly be friends, she does something that proves otherwise. The worse she treats me…the more I try to hate her, the more I want her to like me. I don't understand why she doesn't.

- I can't pretend that I hate her back any longer. I don't know how she does it. Maybe she really does still hate me. I don't know if I ever felt that way about her, even in the beginning. No matter how I felt then, I can't deny the way I feel now. I find myself staring a lot. Every time she touches me or even comes near me, I can feel my heart speed up. I often wonder what it would be like to be with her – REALLY be with her.

- I think I'm in love with Jade. I'm a better actress than I thought. Somehow she doesn't know it.

- Maybe Jade does know how I feel about her. I can't decide if all the looks she gives me, the things she says, the things she does… maybe that's just Jade being her usual, cruelly seductive self, or maybe she's doing it because she feels the same way…or maybe she's just doing it to torture me.

- She's pregnant and she thinks that I can help her. That I have any idea how to comfort her. I wish I could help. I don't know what to do but I want to do something.

- Jade has the ability to be a decent person. Maybe it's just the hormones, but she's finally stopped hating me. She depends on me, and I want to believe that she's doing it because she likes me – because I'm her friend.

- Jade is my best friend now. She's the first person who I truly feel like I can tell all my secrets to. Andre is a great friend too, but it's different with him. There are a few things I just can't talk to him about. I think Jade would understand more than he ever could.

- She's starting to show now and I can't keep pretending like she's nothing but my best friend. I know – I'm positive – that I'm in love with her, and I have been for a long time. It's not as easy to hide as it used to be. I can't lie next to her in her bed, watching movies or crime show reruns in the dark and pretend like I don't want to reach out and touch her. I CAN'T touch her though. It's like she's covered in poison now. On the rare occasion that she hugs me, I almost get sick. I can feel her swollen stomach against me and all I can think about is how there's a part of Beck in there. I like Beck. He's a good guy and a great friend, but I want what he has. I think I deserve it more than he does.

- I don't know how much longer I can stand to be her friend. I'm not sure how or when it happened, but I love her, and I want her to be with me, but she can't be. She's tied to Beck now, permanently, and I never really had a chance with her anyway. This weird friendship we've got is the best I'll ever get from her.

- Maybe my first impression of Jade was more accurate.

By the time I finish reading my section of the book, I feel sick. I want to throw up, or maybe just cry. I'm pretty sure I knew, deep down, how she truly felt about me. I think I subconsciously tortured her with that knowledge. I wasn't just toying with a little crush, and I knew that.