Chapter 3: Something Like Hope
I don't know what it was, but for some insane reason, I couldn't help but think Is this guy for real? Within minutes of meeting him, within minutes of meeting Dean, I could have sworn I had known him my entire life.
"Dude, I'm so sorry I bumped into you. I wasn't looking where I was going; my mind was in a million places at a time." Dean's voice sounded like sand paper being dragged over satin sheets, kind of rough, but also like he just wanted every word he spoke to comfort me.
"No, no, really its okay, I was just as distracted. Hey, I haven't seen you around before, are you new around here?" This was odd, a newcomer to Blank, since when do we get visitors?
"Yeah, actually I am, I moved here like two days ago. Listen, I don't know left from right in this town, it'd mighty helpful if I had one of the natives as a guide, you know, to show me where and what everything is?" His eyes seemed hopeful, and for a second I could have sworn mine did too.
"Wha- Actually, I wasn't really busy anyway, sure I'll show you around town." I didn't know anything about this guy, he could be some freak who wants to murder me, he could kidnap me and rape me or something, but at the time I really couldn't give less of a damn.
"Great. Cas, was it? It's a pleasure to meet you, and it's great to know that there are such friendly people in this town." A smile played across Dean's face, and for some reason, one did across mine too.
The tour of Blank was simple really, there was Blank elementary, Blank middle school and Blank high (original, I know). There was the tiny hospital, the asylum, Ash's convenience store, the police station, Blank Community College, and of course the Roadhouse, which we opted to avoid, because I was too afraid Ellen was going to slap me so hard I'd probably forget whether I was a boy or a girl, and for some reason I had no trouble telling Dean exactly that.
Before long Dean and I had given full accounts of our lives as we walked down the only main street in Blank. Dean was twenty one, born in Lawrence, both his parents died in a car crash when he was fifteen, he came to Blank for, and I quote, "Something like hope". Currently he didn't have a job, and luckily for him, I was the first person he told he was gay. Had he told anyone else he would probably be cuffed and carted to the city limits before the week's end.
Now don't get me wrong, when the words "No I don't have a girlfriend, girls aren't my thing" came out of Dan's mouth, I wanted to jump on him right then and there, but I had to put it away. Mainly because I myself didn't want to be cuffed and carted off, but also because Dean's three years older than I am, I have no self esteem, and also he's way out of my league.
There wasn't much time to elaborate on the subject though, we were near my house and after a quick look over my shoulder and a hushed "Mine neither." I was leading him through the gate and very adamantly refusing to let him go inside the house, but rather, half-pushing, half-tackling him to the large tree in which my refuge and true home stood.
"It's cute." Dean said with a smile. I leaned against the wall furthest from the entrance.
"Yeah, my dad and brother built it when I was six." Dean's shoulder pushed against mine as he placed himself right next to me. I heard him chuckle and realized that the entire time I had been staring at his chest. Dammit.
"So tell me, Cas, what's it take for you to say yes to a date?" Dean's hand rested on mine, and I could feel every part of my everything go hot. Quite plainly I was shocked. This guy wanted to go on a date with me. This dude, who I had met about two hours ago, liked me. This whole concept was foreign to me. I had never had a boyfriend before, hell I had never been on a date before, not even with a girl. Now this incredibly hot guy was asking me what it'd take to get me on a date. In all honesty, I wanted to laugh at what he had said, then after a longer-than-it-should-be silence I realized he wasn't kidding.
"Well if you ask me, I considered you asking me to show you around as asking me out. You got into this long before you even realized it, buddy." Dean laughed, a genuine, wholehearted laugh that made even me want to laugh with him. His arm reached around me and out of habit I winced before he even touched me. He hesitated for a moment, I had mentioned what my dad does to me while we were telling our life stories, but before I could protest, his arm was around my shoulder.
Two days passed, both of which Dean would call me and we'd either walk around town, or sit in the tree house. It was nice when we were alone, when the root beer scented wood protected us from the world, from the people, and it's not like it had to protect us, we didn't do much when we were in the tree house, we would literally just sit there and talk all day.
The most surprising part of the whole thing wasn't that Dean wanted to go out with me, but rather the fact that whenever he touched me where my father had hurt me, it didn't hurt. Instead some cool sensation rushed through that part of my body. It was relieving, letting someone touch me without me having to hold in just how much it hurt.
It was the next Saturday, when Ava and her husband held a party at the Roadhouse, like they do once a month, that Ellen finally noticed something was different.
"Cas, are you humming?" She looked at me like some stranger had just walked into her bar and was singing at the top of his lungs.
"What? N- wait. Was I? I hadn't noticed." I smiled at her and continued wiping the dust off a bottle of vodka.
"You were. Cas, how have you been doing lately?" Ellen stepped closer to me, this was getting weird.
"Uh, I've been doing fine, I guess."
"Okay. Then what have you been doing lately?" I froze for half a second and tried to carry on like nothing had phased me, but of course Ellen noticed. "Castiel Novak, do you have a girlfriend?" Ellen sounded astounded. I almost laughed.
"You could say that there's someone, yes." I smiled, thinking of Dean.
"Child, you had better start talking right now or I swear to god I will make Gabe make you talk." My eyes widened.
"You wouldn't." Ellen laughed.
"C'mon, Cas, just tell old Aunt Ellen" Ellen held her arms open as if to hug me. It seemed inviting, I wanted to tell her, really I did, but I couldn't.
"Nah I'm good." Her smile ran away practically as fast as it came.
"Cas, you know you can talk to me about this stuff. I was only joking about Gabe."
"Ellen, I really don't want to talk about it." I placed a bottle on the counter and went into the kitchen to try and escape. She followed.
"Cas! Cas, look I know that you don't like talking about personal stuff, but you're like a son to me. I know we can't talk about your dad, and I know you can't talk to your mom about these things, so talk to me, I'll always listen." Ellen seemed to be pleading.
This kind of pissed me off. She says all of this now, but what'll happen when I tell her I'm in love with another guy? How fast will she kick me out and tell everyone what a freak I am? As much as I wanted Ellen to be my mother, as much as I wanted her to love me unconditionally like a mother should, I knew that she never could, and never would.
"Ellen, drop it."
"Cas, why won't you tell me? Why won't you trust me?" He eyes were looking for answered in mine, answers I so desperately wanted to give, but couldn't.
"Because! Because you're like all of these people! If I tell you you'll look at me like I'm some kind of monster!" I don't know what it was, but the monster was loose and there was nothing that I wanted to do to stop it.
"What are you talking about boy? What's going on?" Ellen stepped closer to me. Tears started running down my face for some reason I just couldn't think of. This was it, this was where I screw everything, but I couldn't keep it in anymore. I couldn't keep my secret anymore. I'd much rather be throw out that have to hide just exactly who I was anymore. It was about time I let go.
"I'm in love with another boy! I like guys, Ellen! I don't have a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend, and you know what? You can throw me out of this place. You can leave me to rot for all I give a damn, but that will never change who I am!" There it was. The raw truth, the words I had been keeping to myself for too long, and you know what? It felt good.
My vision was blurred from the tears, but that didn't stop me from seeing Ellen cross the gap between us with three strides, raise her hand, and bring it down across my face so hard that I could barely even think straight.