Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
EPOV
The morning after Bella told me about the pregnancy, I woke up at six, long before the alarm went off. I'd tossed and turned the entire night, my mind too worked up to be able to sleep properly. I just didn't really know what to think or how to react to the news. I know that freaking out and doubting myself were normal reactions for any man that had just been told he would become a father in a matter of months, but I was afraid that I wouldn't ever stop freaking out. I just didn't feel ready for this; it was pretty much the last thing I'd been worried about, until Bella said she was pregnant, and then it became the first thing I worried about. The second thing was my ability to be a father.
I had many friends and co-workers who were fathers, and I'd heard them many times repeating the same thing. Women become mothers when they get pregnant, men become fathers when they see their baby. It certainly seemed to be the case for me, because I felt no attachment towards this baby. True, it had only been a couple of hours since I found out, but still, I was becoming worried that this lack of attachment would last.
What kind of a father would I be if I had no feelings for my child? What kind of a partner would I be to Bella if I had no feelings for her child? I could tell Bella was already attached to the idea of a baby, to the baby itself — I suppose that's to be expected seeing as the baby is in her — but I could already tell it wouldn't be that simple for me, and that worried me.
The rest of the day went by, and even though I'd had a jam packed day at the office, I couldn't remember anything about the day. It seemed as though I had sleep-walked through the entire day. I hadn't told anyone about the recent development in my life, though I'd have to eventually. It just seemed like saying it out loud would make it more real, and I wasn't really ready for that just yet.
Bella was hesitant with me. I could tell she realized I still hadn't come out of my shock, which prompted her to be very soft-spoken and gentle, more so than usual. I hated the fact that I was the reason she was acting that way. She should be celebrating, laughing, and sharing the news with everyone who cared about her. A child was a blessing. I just wasn't sure if it would be a blessing for me.
But Bella was born to be a mother. Even though we hadn't been around many children, I could tell she was a natural. Babies never fussed when they were in her arms; she was able to quiet down even the most rambunctious of kids just by rocking them lightly. Even I couldn't deny that Bella with a baby in her arms was a beautiful sight to behold. There was a certain rightness to the image. I wished with all of my heart that all these thoughts could overpower the growing anxiety I felt towards my impending fatherhood.
When I arrived home that day I found Bella working in her office. She seemed to be concentrating very hard in what she was doing, so I approached her and gave her a light kiss and went to change out of my work clothes. My cell phone rang, and I looked at the screen to see my brother Emmet's name blinking at me.
"Hey."
"Hey, are you busy?" Emmet asked.
"Not really, what's up?"
"Come out for a beer with Jasper and me. We're going to that Irish pub a few blocks from my house."
"I'm not really in the mood, Emmet."
"C'mon, we haven't seen each other in a while," Emmet insisted.
"Fine. I'll meet you there in half an hour."
"See ya," Emmet said before hanging up.
I sighed and closed my phone. I didn't really feel like going out on the one hand. On the other hand, some time away from the whole situation might do me some good. Besides, I really hadn't seen my brother and brother-in-law in quite a while.
After showering and changing, I went over to Bella to let her know I was going out. About fifteen minutes later, I pulled up in front of the pub.
"Hey! Look who's here!" Emmet shouted over the loud music, standing up to give me a hug.
"Long time no see," I hugged Emmet and then Jasper.
"Seems you've been keeping busy," Jasper said, taking a sip from his bottle.
"All I've been doing is working lately," I complained. I caught the waitress's eye and signaled for a beer.
"That sucks. At least tell me you'll make partner soon," Emmet said.
"I better. I'll go crazy if I don't. What have you two been up to?"
"Same old, same old. The gym's doing pretty well," Emmet said. He was the owner of a recently-opened, state-of-the-art gym.
"That's great," I said as the waitress brought me my beer. "How's Rose?"
"She's good. Actually, she just cut back her hours at the hospital."
"How come?" Jasper asked.
"Well, we've been married for a while, we both have stable jobs and things are really good between us, so we figured now would be a good time to start trying," Emmet smiled. I felt like bashing my head against the table repeatedly. Just what I needed, more baby talk.
"That's awesome. Congratulations," Jasper said, tipping his beer towards Emmet.
"Thanks. What's going on with you and my sister?"
"Guys, I love your sister, really I do. But she's driving me up the wall. There are pieces of fabric covering every inch of my house," Jasper complained.
"You knew what Alice was like before you married her," I reminded him, thankful to have left the baby talk behind.
"I know, but I swear she's gone mental. She said she was going to design a few pieces for the store, but the way she's been going on you'd think she was getting ready to go to fashion week."
"Just so you know, the fact that you even know what fashion week is is very disturbing," Emmet said seriously.
"Fine, mock me. I'll be sure to let Alice know where to look when she needs models."
"Alice knows better than that. Why would she call us when she has Bella and Rosie?" Emmet said, grinning.
"Speaking of, how is the lovely Miss Swan?" Jasper asked me.
"Are you planning on making an honest woman out of her anytime soon?" Emmet asked.
"Bella is…fine. She's fine," I stuttered, taking a sip from the bottle.
"Really, Edward, could you be more sterile while talking about the most important person in your life?" Jasper frowned at me. I studiously avoided both of their eyes.
"Are you two having problems?" Emmet asked.
"You're not breaking up, are you? Because if Alice gets wind of this she's going to flip out."
"We're not breaking up" I said in a curt tone.
"But there is a problem," Emmet prodded.
"There's no problem," I insisted.
"Then why are you being such an asshole?" Jasper asked.
"I'm not being an asshole, all I said was she is fine."
"If you're being an asshole to Bella, Alice will have your balls."
"I'm not being an asshole to Bella," I said, though it wasn't that far from the truth.
"Is she mad because you've been working too much?" Emmet asked.
"No, she's not mad. I said everything's fine. Can you drop it?" I snapped.
They stayed silent for about a minute, looking at me while I did everything I could to avoid looking at them.
"She's pregnant," I sighed. Another silent minute followed.
"You don't seem all that excited about it," Jasper said carefully.
"I'm just…I'm freaking out. I'm not ready to be a father; I don't know anything about babies."
"Nobody's ready to become a parent. You'll learn as you go, you'll make mistakes, but you and Bella will learn," Emmet tried to reassure me.
"It's perfectly normal for you to freak out, but it'll go away," Jasper added. I nodded and kept my mouth shut. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was much more than freaking out.
"C'mon, next round's on me. I want to celebrate the fact that I'm gonna be an uncle," Emmet said, standing up and heading to the bar.
I gave them a tight smile and tried to enjoy the "celebration".
It was past midnight when I got home. As much as I had enjoyed seeing Emmet and Jasper again, the evening had left me drained. All the lights were out in the apartment, except for a few lamps in the living room. I went over to turn them off and spotted Bella sleeping soundly on the couch. She looked beautiful. She always looked beautiful, but they way the light danced across her face made her glow. I sat on the edge of the couch and carefully brushed a strand of hair back from her face. I noticed she had a book lying on her chest, so I grabbed it and was just about to place on the table when I glanced at the title: What To Expect When You're Expecting. My heart constricted painfully when I realized the reason she had been reading the book was because I wasn't around.
I softly brushed her cheek with the back of my hand. The guilt was becoming more and more oppressive. I felt like I was keeping her from enjoying all of this. I felt like I was letting her down. I knew I was letting her down. I should have been there, reading that book with her. I should be asking questions, taking an interest in the baby. But I couldn't. The mere thought of the baby made my throat feel like it was closing up.
I gently picked her up from the couch, carrying her to our bedroom. After getting ready myself and making sure Bella was comfortable, I turned out the light and tried to get some sleep.
BPOV
I woke up the following morning feeling a bit confused. I couldn't remember climbing into bed, which meant Edward had probably carried me. I turned around and found Edward's spot empty. It wasn't even seven o'clock! I sighed. This had been going on since I'd told Edward about the baby. I knew he wasn't sleeping well, tossing and turning all night and getting up at the crack of dawn. As I was lying there thinking, I was hit by a bout of nausea. I barely made it to the bathroom before emptying my stomach. Once I was sure I was done, I brushed my teeth and washed my face.
I entered the kitchen to find Edward reading the newspaper and drinking coffee. I tried to steer clear of the coffee since the baby seemed not to like the smell and made myself some toast.
"Are you okay?" Edward asked, looking concerned.
"Yeah, just morning sickness," I mumbled.
Edward remained quiet after that. I realized any baby-related topic made him uncomfortable, so breakfast went by very quietly. After he left for work, I cleaned the dishes and was just about to get dressed when the phone rang.
"Oh my God!" an incredibly high-pitched scream was the first thing I heard.
I actually groaned once I recognized the high-pitched voice.
"Alice."
"Oh my God!" she repeated.
"Alice, you need to stop yelling."
"How could you not tell me, Bella?" Alice screamed, rather than asked.
"Tell you what?"
"You know what. Don't play dumb with me Isabella Marie." Her tone went from yelling to reproachful.
"How did you even know?"
"Jazz told me."
"Who told Jazz?" I asked, confused.
"Edward."
"Oh." I was quiet for moment. "I'm sorry, I just didn't know we were telling people."
"Regardless, I should have been the first to know." Now she sounded like a sullen child.
"I think Edward had to know before you, Ali."
"Never mind that now. We need to get together to start planning ASAP." I didn't like the sound of that at all.
"Planning for what?" I asked wearily.
"Your baby shower, dummy."
"Alice! I'm barely four weeks along. I think it's a bit early for a baby shower."
"Well, we're not having it right now. We'll need months of planning and arrangements."
"It's just a gathering. How much planning could it possibly take?"
"Do you even know me?" Alice asked indignantly. "This is not just a gathering. It's going to be the best baby shower ever, and if I'm going to pull this off I'll need all the time I can get."
"Alice, no planning. At least not right now."
"Fine. So, how are you?"
"Al, I'd really love to keep talking, but I need to be at the office soon. How about I call you later and we make plans for lunch or something?"
"Sure, sounds great. I'll talk to you later."
"Before you go, is there any chance you haven't told everyone about this?"
"Relax, your secret's safe with me."
"Really?"
"Oh, ye of little faith. I'll talk to you later."
"Okay, bye."
Thankfully, I didn't have a very busy day ahead of me, so I was able to make plans for lunch with Alice. We agreed to meet at a restaurant near my office. I'd been sitting at a table waiting for Alice for about ten minutes when I spotted her getting out of her car with Rosalie. I was surprised to see Rose had been able to join us seeing her schedule wasn't very flexible.
"Bella!" Alice exclaimed, quickly enveloping me in a hug.
"Hi, Al."
"You look great" Rose said as we hugged.
"Thanks, you do, too."
"How are you feeling?" Alice asked eagerly.
"I'm good. Morning sickness is a bitch, though."
"Morning sickness? You're pregnant?" Rose asked, surprised.
"You actually kept a secret?" I asked Alice in amazement.
"I told you I would," she huffed.
"Yeah, I'm about four weeks along," I said to Rose.
"That's so great! My baby's gonna have a little cousin to play with," Rose exclaimed.
"You're pregnant too?" Alice asked.
"Not yet. But Emmet and I will start trying soon." Rose smiled. I smiled back at her and placed my hand on top of hers.
"You're gonna be a great mom, Rose."
"Thanks. So will you"
"So, are you excited?" Alice asked.
"You know, I kind of am. I mean, I'm still terrified, but there's a part of me that's really looking forward to seeing her."
"Her?" Rose asked.
"I'm not sure, but I have a feeling it's gonna be a girl."
"Ohh, think of all the pretty dresses and outfits we can get her!" Alice clapped excitedly.
"Do not start shopping until we know for sure, Mary Alice," I admonished, grinning once I saw the sullen look on Alice's face.
"So, you're going to find out the sex?" Rose asked.
"We haven't decided yet," I said, avoiding their eyes.
"Is Edward freaking out? I bet he's totally freaking out." Alice laughed.
"He's freaking out alright."
"Uh oh, that doesn't sound good. Is everything okay?"
"It's nothing. He's just been really distant with me since I told him," I mumbled.
"He's probably scared. He'll come around. You'll see." Rose tried to comfort me.
"Yeah, I'm sure he will. Still, you guys can't say anything about this until we've told everyone."
They both agreed not to say anything. We placed our order and enjoyed our lunch, talking about everything and trying very hard to stay clear of the elephant in the room.
Time flew by and before I knew it, I had entered the ninth week in my pregnancy. Physically, not a lot had changed. I was a bit thicker in the waist and I had gone up a bra size, but other than that there was nothing that indicated I was pregnant.
However, morning sickness became all-day sickness, since I tended to get sick at different times during the day. Not having morning sickness during a specific part of the day complicated things, but I was hopeful I'd develop a routine soon, so to speak. Of course, morning sickness continued to freak Edward out. So tension was particularly high after my bouts of sickness.
The other new development I currently hated was my mood swings. It seemed pretty much anything could make me cry. Also, I could go from crying to laughing and back to crying in a matter of seconds, literally. This did absolutely nothing to help with the Edward situation. He continued to be withdrawn from me, burying himself in work and avoiding everything that had to do with the baby.
He had agreed to go with me to my OB/GYN appointment, so I felt hopeful that maybe things were starting to look up. We had agreed to wait until after this appointment to tell our families about the baby. It was one of the few discussions we'd had about the baby.
The morning of my appointment started out as usual. We got up, had breakfast, and then Edward left for the office, saying he had to go over some files and that he would meet me at the appointment. I decided to stop by my office as well to drop off some photo samples, and while I was there Edward called.
"Hey, are you on your way to the doctor's?" I asked.
"Umm, no. Listen, something's come up here. An emergency hearing was called for one of the cases I've been overseeing, so I'll have to go to court"
"Oh. Will that take long? Maybe you can still make it in time. Doctor Bradley usually runs a little late," I said, hoping he would still go.
"I don't think so, Bella. I'm really sorry but I can't get out of this hearing."
My throat was starting to constrict painfully.
"Okay," I croaked out. "I guess I'll see you later." I hung up before he could say anything else. I took a few minutes to compose myself before saying goodbye to Sophie.
The prenatal appointment went by smoothly. Doctor Bradley asked me a series of questions about any pains I may have been experiencing, morning sickness, and any concerns I may have. Then she checked my weight, blood pressure and urine. She checked the baby's position and listened to the heartbeat before stating that everything was going according to plan. Feeling better, I went back to the office to try to get some work done.
However, I found it nearly impossible to work. I couldn't concentrate longer than ten seconds. My mind was overwhelmed and my already fragile emotions were going into overdrive. Edward not keeping his promise to go to the appointment with me had definitely struck a nerve. One I wasn't sure I wanted to delve into. Edward had been distant and cold, almost completely withdrawn from me. I'd never felt so lonely in my life. Despite what people said, I was terrified to explore the possibility that Edward's non-committal attitude towards the baby was due to something much more important than nerves or fear. I was afraid too, not only about becoming a mother, but also about the possibility that I would end up being a single mother. It wasn't like I was completely blind about Edward's actions and reactions. I was just terrified of confronting him about them. I was terrified of pushing him, only to have him confirm my biggest fears. He was already slipping away from me as it was. I was afraid even the slightest push would send him over the edge.
I was surprised to get a call from Esme, Edward's mother, telling me that she had planned a family dinner and hoped Edward and I could make it. Having agreed to go, I decided to call Alice and ask her to go shopping with me. Even though I wasn't showing yet, my clothes definitely fit more snugly and I was starting to get uncomfortable. I was also in desperate need of new bras, since I had grown out of my old ones. Naturally, she was ecstatic about the prospect of shopping.
After two painful hours of Alice dragging me from store to store, bickering about maternity clothes, which I insisted I didn't need yet, I was finally home. It was a little past seven, and we were supposed to be at the Cullens' at eight, so I had to hurry. After deciding on an outfit, I jumped in the shower. I heard Edward enter the apartment about ten minutes later. We didn't speak much as we both went about getting ready for dinner. He had apologized as soon as he saw me, to which I responded with a curt "okay". We arrived at Esme and Carlisle's at eight o'clock on the dot. Soon enough, we were sitting in the living room, drinks in our hands, making chit chat while we waited for everyone else to arrive. About five minutes later, Jasper and Alice arrived followed closely by Emmet and Rosalie. Conversation was flowing smoothly between everyone. Until the proverbial cat was out of the bag.
"So, Edward." Esme began in a soft voice. "When were you planning on telling us that you and Bella are having a baby?" Edward choked on the wine he had just sipped. I turned to look at Alice.
"You told them?" I asked Alice, outraged.
"You knew?" Carlisle asked her.
"I didn't say anything, I swear."
"Rose?" I turned to my other friend.
"Not me," Rose said, putting her hands up.
"So, the two of you knew?" Esme asked. Rose, Alice and I turned to look at Jasper.
"What are you looking at me for? I didn't spill the beans!" he exclaimed indignantly.
"You told Alice," I pointed out.
"She's my wife," he defended. Meanwhile, Edward remained quietly observing everyone while Emmet studiously avoided everyone's eyes.
"Emmet!" Rose yelled. "You are such a gossip."
"I thought they already knew," he said, pouting like a child.
"Well, they didn't," I pointed out. "The reason why we hadn't told you yet was because we were waiting until my checkup to make sure everything was good," I explained to Esme and Carlisle.
"When's your checkup?" Carlisle asked.
"Actually, it was today. Everything seems to be going well. I'm about nine weeks along."
"Oh, this is so great!" Esme squealed. "A grandchild! I'm so happy."
"I think this calls for a toast," Carlisle said. Everyone got up and we clinked glasses as Edward and I avoided looking at each other.
*AN: Hi! An update in a week, I'm very proud of myself! I hope everyone will enjoy this chapter and I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say about it, so don't be shy!
Once again, I'd like to thank my beta, miss tiffanyanne3, who did a wonderful job and made some very astute commnents about this chapter!
Hopefully, I'll be able to keep up this pace of updating once a week, but it might not be the case this week since I have to very importante exams coming up, but I promise to do my best.
Love, Rory.*