Chapter 5: Abandonment Issues
The next three weeks were horrible. Besides the fact that I had to start my summer break with a huge cast on my leg and the inability to inhale too deep without feeling like the rest of my ribs would break, I barely got to see Dean at all. All I basically did was sit at home the whole day listening to my father shout for Bobby when he was conscious enough to knock back enough beers.
On the few days that my father was sober enough he'd go into town and check up on the Roadhouse or get groceries seeing as I couldn't and my mother was too busy at work or crying in her room to do anything productive. It was nice when he wasn't at home because then Dean would come over and lie in bed with me and we'd do nothing in particular, and whenever we heard either of my parents' cars in the driveway he'd jump through my window and somehow disappear without them noticing.
The funny thing about our relationship was that we'd been together for weeks now and we still hadn't kissed once. It's not like we haven't gotten close, we have almost a million times, but every time we stop ourselves. I don't know what it is, but it just didn't feel right yet. Where we were now was just where we were supposed to be and it felt right in that exact place.
The night my cast finally came off was one of the best nights of my life. Finally being able to freaking scratch my leg without the use of a ruler was the best feeling I'd ever felt. The crappy thing was that now I had to start physical therapy because my leg was atrophied and stepping on it made it feel like Jelly, so now I had to walk with crutches until it got better.
Dean came with me to physical therapy, which made it worthwhile, though mostly he'd just stand there, not knowing what to do or say, so he'd cheer me on and I'd laugh and fall and people would look at me like I was demented.
It was about four weeks after my leg healed when Ellen finally let me start working again, incidentally on my birthday. I couldn't wait to get back to the Roadhouse again. I hadn't seen Gabe in weeks because he refused to come home to visit me, which I understood, he didn't want to see mom or dad. Jo and Ellen would visit every so often and bring me comfort food, but either way I missed the Roadhouse and Ellen and Jo and Gabe and just the whole dynamic of everything that was outside of my house.
I almost jumped out of my skin when I walked through the door of the Roadhouse and the lights suddenly turned and there stood Ellen and Jo and Gabe and Anna shouting "SURPRISE!"
The night was fun, Ellen had closed the bar for the night and had hung this huge banner and there was cake and champagne, the only thing that was missing was Dean, but he did text me and Gabe didn't know about him yet so I couldn't risk him being there.
After everyone sang Happy Birthday to me Jo ran into the kitchen and came back with a beer case that had a few packages in it. Presents. I blushed.
"C'mon guys, you know you didn't have to." I said nudging Gabe who was sitting next to me at the bar.
"Oh, and be a horrible brother? You'd never let me forget. Just take 'em kiddo." He smiled and nudged me back.
"Open mine first!" Anna said, clearly so proud of the journal that she got me.
"Thanks, Anna" I said, giving her a hug and setting the shiny silver paper and the journal aside.
"Mine's next! C'mon, Cas, open it!" Jo was so eager to have me open her present that she practically ripped it open for me. I gasped when I was the small box covered in velvet material. I opened it and almost wanted to kiss Jo. In the tiny box was a necklace with a pendant the size of a quarter on in, on the pendant was an intricate cross and on the back the words:
May your troubles be less,
Your blessings be more,
And nothing but happiness,
Come through your door.
"It's an Irish blessing. My daddy gave it to me when he died, but I think that you deserve it more." Jo said, almost screaming when I half tackle-hugged her.
"Thanks so much, Jo." I said, giving her a squeeze.
"Okay, okay, enough romance." Said Ellen smiling at me and handing me another small box that was wrapped in the same golden wrapping paper as the present Jo gave me. A small card stuck out from the ribbon tied around the box.
"Dear Cas, I hope you have an amazing birthday and that the years to come are going to be just as amazing, and if you ever get in trouble or need someone to kick someone's ass for you, don't hesitate. Love Ellen." I read out loud. We all laughed and I hugged Ellen.
"Don't worry, Ellen, if ever I need to get rid of a lynch mob, your number is the first I'll call." I said, not being particularly gentle with the wrapping paper. Another velvet covered box. Inside was a small bracelet with a plate in the middle. On the back of the plate stood:
Perfect, just as you are.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I read the inscription a hundred times over. Ellen hugged me tight and whispered in my ear, "Don't change a thing, okay, Cas?" I nodded and sniffed back the tears.
"Okay, now for my sucky present, just to top them all." Gabe said, handing me a tiny square box.
"C'mon, Gabe, when I said you didn't have to, I was being sarcastic, you have to at least try." I said as sarcastically as I could.
"Just shut up and open the damn thing."
I laughed and peeled the red paper off the tiny box and opened it. At first I was confused, then I when I finally dug the small key out of the tissue paper that Gabe had very ungraciously jammed into the box, I finally understood. I smiled.
"Don't get excited, it's not a car. It's a key to my apartment. If you ever just need a place to hang out that isn't home or that ratty old tree house of ours, you're always welcome." Gabe gave half a smile, clearly embarrassed.
"Thanks, Gabe. Thanks so much." I hugged him and he didn't know what to do, too afraid to touch my back. "But watch out, I might eat all the food in your apartment. You have no idea what you just got yourself into."
That weekend I made some half-assed excuse to get out of the house and met Dean at the cliff near the outskirts of town. Dean gave me the tightest hug that he possibly could. We hadn't seen each other in two weeks and our meeting was long overdue.
"Happy birthday. I wish I could have spent it with you." Dean whispered in my ear, refusing to let go, and honestly, I didn't want him to.
"Don't worry about it. I understand that things don't always work how we want it to, but at least we have now, and no-one's even near." I said, felling Dean's chest heave under mine.
"Cas, I've wanted to say this for weeks, but right now seems like the perfect time." He said, still holding me in his tight embrace.
"What is it, Dean?" I asked.
"Cas, I love you." His chest heaved another time and for a few moments there was silence.
Tears filled my eyes and poured down my face.
"Dean, I love you too." I managed to whisper, and as the words escaped my mouth everything felt right in the world. This was the absolute raw truth, this was how I'd been feeling for weeks too, every time I saw Dean, every time I thought of him. Dean was the one who made me happy; Dean was the one who made me feel like I was a person.
Dean's arms loosened around me and fell to my waist. For a moment we just looked into each other's eyes. This felt right. It was time. The gap between us closed slowly, our lips inching closer together. The kiss wasn't like in the movies, some amazing fireworks moment where the violins play some exciting music and everyone watching just wants to go "Awwwww."
No, this kiss was very different, this kiss was right. This kiss made my chest heat up, a warmth spreading from my heart all the way to my fingers, this kiss made me lose track of time, like everything around us had stopped for a fraction of a second, and that we were stuck in that fraction of a second.
Dean pulled away and smiled at me.
"I got you a present. I know it's not extravagant or anything, but it's still something." Dean's right hand moved from my waist to his pocket, where he dug around for a few seconds and closed his fist around something.
Dean took my right hand with his left and held it forward, and from his closed hand he produced a golden ring, a plain golden ring. Dean slipped it over my index finger. I smiled.
"It's perfect, Dean." I said and kissed him again.
At this point I felt like I could do anything, even fly if I really wanted to. All the way home I couldn't stop smiling, but that quickly changed as I walked into the house and noticed no-one was home. It was 4:46. Dad was usually home by 4 and it was weekend, so my mother was supposed to be home anyway. I walked into the kitchen and swore. The floor was covered with pasta, a pan lying on its side near the stove. Pieces of broken plates littered the dining room floor. I ran to my parents' room. On my mother's pillow lay a small piece of paper folded in half.
Dear Castiel,
I am so sorry for everything, for never being the mother who you needed, for standing there and watching as your father abused you and your brother. I am so sorry for never protecting you like a mother should. I think it is better that I not be here anymore, but know that I truly do love you.
Goodbye.
My heart felt like it was about to cease existing. Anger welled up inside me as I Crumpled the paper and threw it with all my might at the wall.
"How could you just leave?" I shouted at the top of my lungs, and collapse on the ground, and cried for my mother, for my real mother, for Ellen.