EPOV
The first hour I was at the party was spent talking to all my friends and colleagues who approached to congratulate me. I saw Bella come in while I was
talking to one of the senior partners. I was itching to cut the conversation short and go greet Bella so that I could tell her how beautiful she looked in her
dress. Just when I thought I'd be able to make my escape, someone else came up to me. I lost sight of Bella for a while. I thought I'd seen her go into the
bathroom a while ago, but I didn't see her come out. Finally, I was able to break away from the conversation and was just about to go find Bella when I
ran into Alice and Rosalie. They both narrowed their eyes when they saw me approach.
"Have you seen Bella?" I asked.
"She's left," Rosalie told me icily. I looked at her and Alice, trying to decipher why they were looking at me like they wanted to rip my head off.
"What do you mean, she's left? Where did she go?" I was starting to get pissed.
"Home," answered Alice. I sighed, frustrated.
"Okay, this conversation is like pulling teeth. Could one of you please tell me what the fuck is going on?"
"Bella left because you're a goddamn asshole who doesn't care about anyone except himself," Rosalie hissed before marching off.
"Alice, what is going on?" I pleaded. She looked at me with tears in her eyes.
"Why didn't you tell anyone about the baby?" she whispered. I was momentarily speechless.
"Is that why Bella left?"
"I can't help you, Edward. I'm sorry." she said before she turned to leave. Before she could get away I grabbed her arm.
"Alice," I whispered. I didn't really know what to say.
"You need to make a decision. You can't have it both ways. If you don't love this baby, then you have to let Bella go." A tear slipped down her cheek
before she left.
I was pretty much speechless. I wanted to run out of the room as fast as I could and go find Bella, to beg her to stay with me, to plead her not to leave
me, to tell her that things would be different. But I couldn't, because I knew things wouldn't change.
I left the party as soon as I was able to without pissing off my bosses. I got in my car and drove towards our apartment, hoping that I would find Bella
there. I knew it was hopeless, because she wouldn't be there. My Bella was a smart woman; she would get away from me as soon as she could. I finally
arrived and parked the car in front of our home. I looked up and noticed all the lights were off; just as I'd thought, she wasn't there.
Numb. That's how I felt. Despite the fact that I'd been expecting this, it was still a gut-wrenching feeling. I felt like all the breath had been knocked out of
me. I'd been without her for a few hours, and I already felt like I was drowning. Like my heart had been ripped out of me. I was dreading going inside,
because I already knew what I would find inside: her absence. I also knew that going inside and seeing for myself, confirming what my mind already knew
would break me. There was no way I could ever stay at that apartment. Before I could talk myself out of it, I started my car and headed towards the place
I was sure I'd find her.
I knocked on the door, and a few seconds later I was greeted by Alice.
"Edward," she sighed.
"Just let me talk to her, Alice," I pleaded.
"You can't just…" she began before I interrupted her.
"I know. I just need to say something to her. Please," my voiced cracked. She must have sensed my desperation, because she moved aside to let me in. I
headed towards the guest bedroom. I knocked on the door, and a few seconds later I was greeted by Bella's tear-streaked face, her eyes widening once
she realized it was me.
"Get out," she said once the shock wore off.
"Please, I just need to talk to you."
"Are you going to try and make excuses about tonight?" she spat.
"No, nothing like that. I want to apologize."
"For what? For having humiliated me or for the way you've been treating me all this time?" I was rendered speechless. I knew nothing I could say would
make up for my behavior, but I had to try nonetheless.
"What are you sorry for, Edward?" she continued. "Are you sorry that I finally realized how little this baby means to you? How little I mean to you? Are you
sorry that I got pregnant? Or are you sorry you even met me at all?" I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.
"Don't you dare say that," I snapped at her. "You are the best thing that ever happened to me."
"You sure have a funny way of showing that," she whispered, tears falling down her face. I felt my own tears slipping down.
"I just have one question," she whispered after a few seconds of silence. "Why?"
"I tried, Bella. I really tried. You have no idea how much I wanted to want this baby, to love it, to feel anything towards it. But I can't. I can't," I sobbed.
"All I feel is fear and anxiety and the overwhelming feeling I'm going to screw up; that I'm going to screw him up."
"So, that's it? You're just going to walk away from us?" She cried.
"I have to do what's best for you. Even if that means giving you up." I felt my throat constrict painfully.
"I'll stop by the apartment in a few days to get my stuff," she whispered, breaking our stare.
"Don't," I pleaded. "I want you to keep the apartment. I'll go."
"Edward…" she began to protest before I cut her off.
"Bella, please," I begged. "Keep it." She nodded her head silently.
"I'm gonna get out of here, cause I just can't watch you leave," she whispered and the tone of her voice simply shattered my heart. Before she could
leave, though, I walked over to her and cradled her face between my hands. I placed a slow, firm kiss on her head and pressed my forehead against hers.
We were both sobbing at this point.
"I love you, Bella. I always will. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better man for you," I whispered. "For both of you," I said, lightly placing my hands on her small,
rounded belly.
A few minutes later I found myself briskly walking towards the front door, trying not to break down. I heard footsteps trailing behind me but paid no
attention. I was just about to open the door when I heard Alice call me.
"Edward," she said. I turned to look at her and saw she was crying as well. "What are you doing? You can't leave!" she exclaimed.
"I can't do this right now, Alice," I said, turning towards the door once more.
"You can't," she began to say before she was cut off.
"Alice, let him go," Jasper said softly, placing his hands on her shoulders to comfort her. I turned to look at him. He was watching me with a mixture of pain
and sadness. He nodded to me. I nodded back before I left.
I drove around for a while, not really knowing what to do or where to go. I needed something to distract me, to keep my mind off of things. I knew that as
soon as I sat still, I would be overcome by my feelings. Without realizing it, I ended up on Emmet's door. It was almost midnight by then.
"Hey," he greeted me softly, taking in my disheveled appearance. I must have looked a fright if Emmet bypassed his usual remarks about my appearance.
"I don't really know what I'm doing here," I murmured. Emmet nodded his head and move out of the way inviting me in. I walked in and came face to face
with Rosalie.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" she spat.
"Rose…" Emmet tried to placate her, to no avail.
"He's not staying here," she cut him off. I glowered at her.
"He's my brother," Emmet said. I raised my hand to stop him. The last thing I needed was to cause a fight between my brother and his wife.
"It's okay, Em, I'll just go."
"You're not in the right state of mind to be driving," he said.
"Maybe he'd be in a better state of mind if he wasn't a self-absorbed asshole," Rosalie barked.
"Maybe you should mind your own fucking business," I snapped. I turned to say goodbye to Emmet.
"I'll talk to you later," I mumbled.
"You don't have to go," insisted Emmet.
"Yes, he does," Rosalie growled.
"That's enough, Rosalie," Emmet snapped at her. I simply got back in my car and drove.
I arrived at my parents' house about ten minutes after leaving Emmet's place. I was feeling exhausted, emotionally and physically. I walked up to the door
and found my dad waiting for me. He clapped me on the back and led me inside the house silently. My mom was waiting for us in the kitchen.
"Sweetheart, what happened?" she asked as soon as I sat down.
"Bella and I broke up," I murmured. We spent the next hour talking about everything that had happened since Bella had found out she was pregnant. I
had to admit it felt really good to be able to get everything out.
"So, what do you plan to do now?" my dad asked me. I shrugged my shoulders.
"I need to find a place to live; I need to get my stuff out of the apartment."
"Well, you're always welcome to stay here," my dad said.
"Thanks," I said. My mom walked over to me and kissed me goodnight. Carlisle was just about to leave as well when I stopped him.
"Do you think I'm doing the right thing?" I asked him. He hesitated before answering.
"I think what you're feeling is completely normal. I think your fear of letting Bella down shows how much you love her," he said. We stared at each other
for a while before I broke the silence.
"You didn't really answer my question," I pointed out. He chuckled lightly.
"I think you'd make a wonderful father, and I think you'd see that if you'd just give yourself the chance to try."
"How can you be so calm about this?" I asked, perplexed. "You and mom. I just told you I've abandoned my girlfriend and child."
"You're my son, Edward. No matter what happens, we will always love and welcome you. It doesn't matter if we agree with what you're doing or not.
We'd never turn you away," he said. He must have sensed that his answer hadn't really done anything to calm my anxiety. He walked over to me and
placed his hand on my shoulder.
"You're a good man," he whispered. "I trust you'll make the right decision. Everything will work out in due time. You'll see."
That night, while I lay in my childhood bed staring up at the ceiling, I thought about my father's words. I could only hope and pray that he was right.
BPOV
I spent the following two days after our breakup in Alice's guest room. Even though Alice and Rosalie repeatedly came into my room to try and cheer me
up, nothing was working. All I wanted to do was to curl up into a little ball and sleep for days. However, I knew I'd have to get up eventually. I had to
keep going. After all, it wasn't just me anymore. I felt tears gather in my eyes at the thought of the baby. The fact that he or she might never know their
father broke my heart.
I decided to take a week off from work, seeing as I desperately need some rest. I was dreading going back to my apartment without Edward, but I was
beginning to feel slightly claustrophobic at Alice's. Even though I knew they were only doing it out of love and concern for me, Alice and Rosalie's constant
visits to my room were getting annoying. I didn't feel like talking, or even crying for that matter. I was pretty much numb. I didn't want to be pitied, I didn't
want sympathy. It's not like I was the first single mother ever, and I certainly wouldn't be the last. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. It was time to get
moving. I was now in the final week of my first trimester, and my doctor had told me the risk of miscarriage was now significantly lower. I decided it was
time to start enjoying my pregnancy and do all the things that I felt like I couldn't do when Edward was around. I needed to start a list of names, I
needed to start researching the best cribs, the most reliable car seats, what kind of clothes to buy, what kind of diapers I would need. I needed to start
thinking about the nursery. I felt some of my despair lift as I thought about the baby. I wondered if it would be a boy or a girl, and who he or she would
look like.
After showering and changing out of my pajamas for the first time in two days, I felt I was ready to head back home. Telling Alice that I was leaving would
surely be a difficult task. She had been extremely worried about me, and though I appreciated everything she and Jasper had done for me, it was time to
get back on my feet. After a tearful goodbye and promises to see each other soon, I got in my car and drove home. I slowly opened the door, unsure as to
what I would find there. At first glance everything seemed the same. However, I could feel as soon as I walked in that everything was different. It was
almost as if I could feel his absence in my bones, down to my very soul. I breathed in deeply, trying to rein my emotions in. I had to get busy. I had to do
something. Otherwise I'd break down, and I wasn't sure I'd be strong enough to get back up. I decided now was as good a time as any to start baby
shopping. Grabbing my credit card, I walked out the door and went to the nearest baby store I could find.
I started looking around, feeling excited for the first time in months, but also a little overwhelmed. There was so much stuff, so many decisions to make
and so many beautiful things to choose from. There were so many things that I instantly fell in love with, but I had to pace myself. I didn't know if the baby
was a boy or a girl, even though I already had a feeling, so I had to steer clear of blue and pink.
I ended up doing a bit of research, consulting with shop assistants about cribs, strollers, and car seats. I was feeling pretty proud of myself for having
found something to take my mind off of Edward that was also practical.
However, I couldn't put off the inevitable. At some point I had to go home. I was having a strong craving for ice-cream, so I stopped by the supermarket
and loaded up on it before going back to my place. I was clutching a pint of ice-cream when I dared to enter the bedroom. Again, not much seemed to
have changed, except for the fact that I knew if I opened a few drawers and Edward's side of the closet, I would find them empty. I tentatively lay on my
side of the bed, careful not to cross over to his side, and dug into my ice-cream. I was quite proud of myself for having made it so far without a nervous
breakdown. However, there was a very strong, deep ache in my chest. It felt like my heart was literally aching. After all the hype of window shopping and
researching baby stuff, I was left with a very disheartening notion. I would have to put a crib together by myself, choose a name by myself, and choose
the safest car seat and the most resilient stroller on my own. I would have to baby-proof the apartment alone. I would have to raise this baby on my own.
I would be responsible for all the decisions in his or her life. There were so many decisions to make, from choosing a color for the nursery to choosing a
name.
In that moment, I felt overwhelmingly alone. Every time I imagined holding my baby for the first time, it became a bittersweet moment, knowing that I
would have no one to share such a beautiful, powerful moment with. Knowing I would have no one to share my baby's milestones with me. No one would
be here to feel the baby's first kicks. No one would be here to see the baby take its first steps, to hear its first words. My baby would say "mommy" once
he or she learned to talk, but never daddy. I didn't even realize I had begun to cry until I felt the first few tears slipping down. Soon enough, the silent
tears gave way to the sobs. Soon enough, the loneliness and heartache gave way to the misery.
*AN.
I'm back! So sorry for the delay, won't make excuses. I'll just thank my beta, miss tiffanyanne3, for her ever-present patience on my misuse of commas and let you read. Let me know what you think! Loev, Rory*