Chapter 6: One Woe Doth Tread
By the time my father found me lying on the floor of his bedroom I had already screamed so much that my throat felt like sandpaper. For once he wasn't drunk, he somehow managed to scoop me up in his arms and carry me to my bed. I looked into his eyes as he set me down on my bed; there was something there, some lingering regret.
"I'm so sorry, Cas." He managed to mumble before I closed my eyes and began to sob again.
I didn't sleep well at all, woken up every few minutes by the sound of absolutely nothing. When I was finally able to form coherent sentences on my phone through the tears, and I was sure my father was either asleep or out of earshot, I called Dean and told him what had happened. It wasn't five minutes before he was at my window, climbing in.
We didn't speak much. We just sat in my bed and waited for nothing in particular. I fell asleep in Dean's arms sometime between midnight and three, when Dean had to go home again. It didn't bother me that we didn't say anything, just the fact that Dean was there was enough to comfort me for a few hours.
I didn't sleep after Dean left; my mind was in too many places. Mostly asking myself what I should be feeling. I wasn't angry; I didn't feel any resentment towards my mother. Honestly, I understood why she had left. What I didn't understand was why the hell she left me here alone. How could she do this to us? My father needed her. I needed her.
It was around seven when I finally worked up the courage to get out of my bed and walk into the kitchen where the pasta and were still on the floor. I scooped the bulk of the pasta back into the pot, collecting the rest of the strands that seemed to have flown further than the others. I filled a bucket with warm water and mopped at the mess. My eyes fixed on the same spot that I had been mopping over and over for almost thirty minutes.
I felt a hand on my back and flinched.
"Cas, it's okay, it's just me." I turned and saw Gabe, he'd come through the back door. He gave me an apologetic smile.
"Gabe. She's gone, Gabe." was all I managed to say. Gabe pulled me into an embrace, his hands lightly resting on my back, trying not to hurt me.
"I know, kiddo, I know." Gabe gasped and I squeezed him as tight as I could. Tears ran down my face. I didn't want him to let go. I knew that it would never be okay, I knew that no one could ever fix this. But my brother was here, the only person in my family who didn't hurt me, the only person in my family who wouldn't leave me. He was here and he wouldn't leave me.
Gabe helped me clean the rest of the house, helped me pick up the broken plates. It was my father who had called him, but when my father entered the kitchen they didn't speak at all except when Gabe said he was taking me out for the day. My father didn't protest.
Gabe and I spent the day at his apartment, Gabe made breakfast and we watched movies the whole day. Every now and then Dean would text me, ask me how I was doing, and tell me he loved me in as many ways he could think of.
"So what's his name?" Gabe asked as I smiled at a text Dean sent me. Shit.
"What? What are you talking about, Gabe?" now was as good a time as any to test my acting skills.
"Do I look stupid to you, Cas?"
"You don't want me to answer that question." Sarcasm was probably the only way I was going to get Gabe to drop it. He couldn't know. I took a risk telling Ellen. I wasn't thinking straight when I shouted it at her. What if Gabe did what Alistair did? What if Gabe tells my father? What if Gabe finds Dean? No, Gabe couldn't know. No one could.
"Castiel, I know my little brother. I've known you were gay since you yourself knew it. We used to share a room, Cas, and you talk in your sleep sometimes." I couldn't move. My heart felt like it had stopped beating.
"Gabe, I-" Honestly, I didn't know what to say. Had he known all this time? Why didn't he say anything? What would he do to me if I admitted it out loud?
"Cas, you can unbunch your panties. I'm not gonna tell dad. Honestly, you could have some freaky animal fetish thing going on and I wouldn't care. You're my brother, Cas, you held ice to my bruises when we were kids, you helped me up when dad would knock me over. Cas, I could never hate you. You're my little bro and I love you for who you are, okay? Now suck it up and tell me what his name is."
This time I couldn't move because I seemed to have forgotten. That was until I practically tackled Gabe to the ground and an attempt to give him some sort of bear hug. I wasn't particularly good at the sharing-your-emotions thing.
"His name is Dean, Dean Winchester." I said after Gabe wrestled me off of him.
"Okay. Now if you wouldn't mind telling the whole story of how Harry met Sally."
I spent most of the rest of the morning telling Gabe about Dean. Gabe reacted with cheesy lines from romance movies and a whole bunch of sarcastic one-liners. If I hadn't grown up with Gabe I'd have thought he was trying to be funny. But I knew him better than that, the idea of having a gay brother made him feel slightly uncomfortable.
I kind of understood. He might have known for however long, but actually hearing it come from me was probably the cherry on top of the cake. But Gabe made every effort he could to seem comfortable, and that made it worthwhile, at least I knew Gabe was there for me. At least I had somewhere to go.
Gabe dropped me off at home at around eight that night after my father had called me and asked for us to come home, it sounded odd. When we walked into the dining room we saw the table had been set for three. Our father, who had somehow managed to stay sober for the entire day, had cooked.
"Gabe, Cas, please sit." Our father walked up to us from the kitchen. We sat at the table, sharing a concerned, yet confused look. What the hell was going on? Our father placed a plate full of steaming food in front of each of us and sat down at the head of the table. "Boys, I wanted to talk to you about something."
"What is it, dad?" I asked.
"Your mother made it very clear yesterday that she wasn't going to come back, and I know that no matter what I do, I can't fix what I've done, but I can try. I know your mother isn't coming back, and I'm sorry, so very sorry, but I want to try and fix what's left between the three of us. I want to have a relationship with my boys. I know that I was in the wrong."
"Oh yeah? And how do you plan on doing that?" Gabe spoke to our father for the first time in what must have been two years, and it was clear that he didn't like it. "You abuse us our whole lives, and now you just expect us to move on like absolutely nothing happened? Is this all some sick joke to you? You stopped being my father the day I walked out that door, what on Earth makes you think I want to fix anything that I have with you?"
Gabe had a point. Our father had no right to just expect that we'd forgive him. He'd beaten and broken us. But who were we to deny him forgiveness? I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know how I felt about anything.
"Gabe, I know that what I did to you boys was horrible, you didn't deserve any of it, but I want to fix that. I know that I don't deserve to be called a father, I know that you have every reason to hate me, but let me try to get better, I'll even go to rehab if I have to. Please boys, please give your old man a chance." Tears were beginning to well up in my father's eyes.
"I don't care what you do. You don't deserve my forgiveness. You don't deserve to be called a father. I'm taking Cas home with me tonight. You can't fix this. You never will" Gabe was standing by now, but his voice stayed calm and collected.
"Who gave you the right to say where Castiel lives? I'm trying to fix this. I'm trying to get back what I've lost with you two, why won't you let me?" My father turned to me, "Cas, you want to stay here, right? You want to fix this, don't you?"
Honestly, I didn't know, what was there to fix? The bruises? Those were easy enough to fix, but the trust my father had broke, the bon that a son is supposed to have with his father, those can't be fixed anymore.
"I want to go with Gabe." I mumbled. My heart hammered in my chest, but this was for the best. This time I could risk leaving. My mother wasn't here anymore, my brother was here, he was the only real family I had.
"My own boys don't even want their father anymore. I thought I raised you better than this." My father stood up and walk towards the door.
"You didn't raise us at all." Gabe said as our father walk out of the door, probably on his way to the liquor store.
It didn't take long to pack up the few of my things that were in my room, just a few clothes and books. On our way to my brother's car I stopped.
"Gabe, gimme a sec." I said as I turned and bolted for the tree house.
I climbed the ladder as fast as I could. Once I was at the top I yanked the nails out of our posters and grabbed the comic books that we had collected and stashed up there. These were our memories, these were what made Gabe and I brothers and they would make the perfect addition to his apartment, to my new home.