Chapter Five

She was able to spot him at a table in the corner right away, where he was leaning against the wall, emptying a glass of brown liquor that might have been tequila. He looked awful, as if he hadn't showered for a week, and it was easy to tell that this was not his first glass either without even talking to him. She approached his table and frowned down at him with a mixture of anger and sympathy.

"Stevie!" he shouted way too loud, grinning. "Join in! Hey, Mike, bring us ano- another two bottles of beer!"

"No, Mike, don't" she said sharply. "He's had enough I think."

"You've got no right to decide that! Mike, one beer for me!"

The bartender hesitated, continuing to dry glasses with a dishtowel. "Alex, I think she's right. Maybe you should just go home for tonight."

"Maybe you should have picked a different job."

Mike simply carried on with his work; he was used to people insulting him and not remembering the next day. It was useless and potentially harmful to his furniture to get into a fight with them. Instead, he turned to Stevie. "You've got five minutes, but get him outta here."

"Don't worry, I will" she replied irately.

"Thanks, mum" Alex muttered. Stevie was trying hard not to shake or slap him. He could be such an idiot, but what use would it be, arguing with someone who was drunk? At the moment, she just wanted to get him home safely.

"Alex, this", she held up the empty glass, "doesn't make things any better."

"Well, that's funny, cos I feel better. I'm great!"

"You're not, you're a mess and you're gonna feel even worse tomorrow morning. Let's go." He didn't move, but just kept turning the empty glass in his hand. She put her hands on her hips and sighed. "I'm not your babysitter, Alex Ryan, and you're a bit heavy for me to carry."

"Leave me alone."

"I might just do that after tonight!"

This finally caught his attention and he studied her expression with a tired look on his face. "Yeah. I know." The answer was surprisingly clear and final.

"Fine." Her voice sounded just a bit too high-pitched for her, although she was trying to conceal how much his reply hurt her, as her sense of pride commanded. She snatched his car keys from the table and turned around to leave. 'Go ahead and drown in your self-pity', she added mentally.

Finally, he seemed to awake from his trance. "No…wait, Stevie…don't go!"

"What!" She spun around. "You can pick up your keys tomorrow!

"No…I mean yes…but that's not what I mean. Stay…please?"

He was too good at this puppy face, she had to admit that. His pleading expression melted her tough façade a bit, as always. She grabbed a chair and sat down at the same side of the round table, facing him. "I'm not sure what you're expecting of me, to be honest."

"I'm sorry, so sorry."

"Never mind what you said, but I wanna know what's going on."

"You…you heard what happened, right?"

"It was kinda hard to miss Nick and Tess arguing about it, yes."

"Lemme guess", he muttered, "if Tess won, I won't set foot on Drover's for the next ten years."

"Something like that. But Alex, you knew that they'd hear the truth sometime, didn't you? You knew this was gonna happen sooner or later."

"Yeah, sure."

"And how is that Nick's fault?"

Alex paused, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Stevie…really, really sorry. God I hate this…why did things have to go this way? I mean I didn't…I wasn't…um…" He rested his head against the wall, unable to form a clear thought.

"It doesn't matter now." Stevie took his hand and squeezed it instinctively. "Let's talk about this tomorrow, all right? I'm exhausted, if you want a ride home, you should come with me now."

"Okay."

"Okay." He got up, swaying a bit, and touched his head, reassuring that his hat was still present. Stevie smiled in spite of the situation and put a hand on his back, leading him out of the pub. She was still angry, she wanted to be angry with him, reminded herself not to make it too easy on him. Alex stopped at the door. "Hey…you're amazing."

Stevie laughed dryly, with the hurt buried underneath the bizarre moment. "Yeah, that's something we should talk about tomorrow, too."

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"Shouldn't we dispose of the whole lot, just to be sure? What if the rest is contaminated, too?"

Stevie let out a moan while heaving the heavy sack onto the back of the ute. "Tess, I checked the other bags, there was nothing wrong with them. Throwing away all of this grain because of one dead mouse would lead us right down the path to bankruptcy, you know that!"

"I know, but we won't be any more efficient if our animals die. God, that smell is so disgusting!" Tess stopped sweeping the ground for a moment, supporting her weight with the broom.

"And I still bet you missed that, too, didn't ya?"

"Oh yeah, big time!" She wiped her forehead with the sleeve of her tee-shirt.

"I'm gonna start setting up the traps." Stevie removed the cellophane and crouched down to span the first. "I just hope those stupid dogs won't step into one again."

Tess had begun to sweep away the last few of the seeds, when she heard something crashing down behind her, a yelp and furious cursing. She turned around to see Stevie kneeled down on the ground next to a wooden board, clasping her hand, and knelt down beside her. "Let me see."

"No! It's nothing!"

Tess exposed the injured hand carefully, she was already able to make out a dark red mark on the top of her hand, a mark that would turn blue with time and a bleeding scratch where the sharp edge had cut through her skin. "Did it squeeze your hand to the ground?" Stevie merely nodded, biting her lip to prevent herself from crying out. "It might be broken."

"No, it's not. I can…move it…ouch!"

"I can give you a ride to the doctor."

Stevie uttered a forced laugh. "At the rodeo, they'd only say that if you were bleeding to death."

"You should have noticed by now that this is not a rodeo."

"Oh, really?"

"Stevie, an injured worker isn't much use. I want you to see a doctor, just to be sure."

"I'll go and cool it inside and if it doesn't improve till tomorrow, you can still drive me into town if you've got nothing better to do." She stood up and left with determination.

Tess went after her. "I'll bandage it!"

They entered the house through the back door and walked into the empty kitchen. The breakfast dishes were still lying in the sink, whose turn was it to take care of them today? Tess took the last three ice cubes out of the small icebox and wrapped them in a dishtowel. They sat down at the table and she laid the small packet onto Stevie's hand carefully, who flinched at the contact. "We should save water" she mumbled grimly.

Tess looked at her friend closely, studying her bitter facial expression. "What's wrong?"

"What do you mean? A board just hit my hand…"

"I don't mean that. You've been in a bad mood all morning."

"Can't I have a bad day?" Tess raised her eyebrows, she couldn't be fooled that easily.

"All right, it's Alex."

"Alex…" she sighed. Of course.

"I know what you're thinking, but it's not that. Of course you're mad at him."

"You're right, I am."

Stevie merely nodded. "Yeah." Something about the quiet reply that was so not like her caught Tess' attention. Whether it was the undertone or the way she had started playing with the dishtowel, she wasn't able to tell. It caused her to remember her initial concern.

"But that's unimportant now…what about Alex?"

"It's just…uh…with him, I feel like I'm always competing with the past, ya know? I know that if many things hadn't happened, he'd never have seen more in me than a friend."

"Oh Stevie, maybe you should better talk to Alex about this, but…these things did happen, you see? You both changed through those experiences and he-"

"No, don't. I was there when Fiona left, I saw how hurt he was. But I've never seen him as crushed as he was when Claire died…and I know when he thinks about those things, I see it. And I can't bar him from thinking about it, of course, cos that's a part of his life. I don't want him to forget it all, either, but…but I'm so jealous you see, and there's nothing I can do about it! Isn't that sick? I'm jealous of something tragic like that…" Her eyes had begun to water and she quickly turned her face away. Tess skidded closer with her chair and put an arm around her, comforting her friend without saying anything. She had listened silently, it seemed impossible to find the right words. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you that." She wiped away her tears with her uninjured hand. "I forgot for a moment-"

"No, don't be. It doesn't…hurt my feelings or anything." This wasn't the entire truth, but fairly accurate. "And don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anyone that Stevie Hall cried."

That comment brought a smile back to Stevie's lips. "Cried? I think you're the one who should see the doctor for a visual test…"

They were interrupted by talking voices, which could be heard from just outside the other entrance that lead into the kitchen directly. It was preceded by three figures entering the respective room. "Mummy!" The youngest ran towards her, holding up a feather.

"We helped feed the chickens, Aunty Tess!"

"Oh, did you?"

"…but one of 'em peed on the granos", Emily added, "and still ate them!"

"Ew, well, chickens to that sometimes."

"But it's icky!"

"I know, honey."

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The first thing that he felt was a stinging pain inside his head. The bright light cut through his brain like a sword and he closed his eyes again quickly. He wanted to go on sleeping, just resting in that comfortable position, but the sickness in his stomach wouldn't let him do so.

As he was lying on the sofa, reality began to trickle back into his mind in a matter of nanoseconds. He remembered the argument, the pub, Stevie…Stevie? Had she really been there? Yes, there were images of her in his memory, pictures of her talking, but what had she said? He was only able to recall bits of it. How had he reached Killarney, or…this didn't feel like his bed.

Alex opened his eyes again. They were still hurting from the light, but he risked another look around. The cottage. Drover's Run. Stevie. He pushed back the blanket slowly and sat up, rubbing his stiff neck. Another wave of nausea threatened to overwhelm him as he took a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts. His throat was dry; he stood up carefully and walked over to the sink, where he turned on the tap and splashed some water in his face. It felt nice, so cool. The clock on the wall showed that it was about 9.20 a.m..

Alex heard some voices outside. "You need to fix the turbine today or there won't be any water left."

"Can't Chloe do that? I just fixed the pipes."

"Chloe doesn't know how to do it."

"She's here to learn, Stevie."

"Yeah, and I'm here to make sure the cows don't die of thirst. You can do it later, but we've gotta do the drenching first, it's overdue. I'll meet you outside in ten minutes."

"Righto" Jodi groaned.

Stevie entered the room, tossing her hat onto the table before even closing the door. When she noticed Alex, she smiled, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Well, look who's awake. Took you a while."

"Good morning" he replied neutrally.

"Hangover?" she asked judiciously.

"I guess."

"There should be some aspirin in the top drawer over there." She approached the sofa and folded the blanket she had given him.

He walked over to the chest of drawers, opened the first one, grabbed the small box and took one of the pills. "Thanks."

"Listen-"

"You-" They laughed sheepishly.

"You first."

"I'm sorry, Stevie. I guess I was acting like a jerk last night."

"It was a tough day, a difficult situation, I understand that" she remarked conciliatorily.

"It had nothing to do with you."

"But that's exactly the point, Alex!" she exclaimed sulkily.

"What is?" He was confused, how could she be so understanding in one moment and snap at him in the next?

"Nothing." She looked frustrated when she sat down on the couch. "You should go and talk to Nick."

"No, I wanna know. What did I do now?"

"I told you, nothing."

Alex sat down next to her; his headache was tormenting him. "Then what's the problem?"

Stevie sighed and looked over at him. "I know this is not the perfect time to ask, but…who am I?"

"Uh…in what respect?" Somehow, he had the feeling that "you're Stevie Hall" wouldn't be a satisfactory answer.

"…to you? What are we?"

"Well, I'd say you're my girlfriend if that didn't sound so teenager-like."

She smiled wanly, pushing a few loose auburn curls behind her ear. A mixture of affection and pain was reflected in her eyes. "You see, I never meant to ask you this, but I need to know. Am I just…a fair replacement? Like a substitute affair because you couldn't fulfil your real dreams?"

"What!" This was one of the most stupid things he had ever heard her say. Why would he start a temporary love affair that was doomed to failure with his best mate? How did that make sense?

"I'm not asking you any what-if questions, cos I know…" She paused for a moment. "…cos that would be no use. I just want to know where we're going."

"Of course this isn't just an- an affair, I thought that much was clear!"

"We hardly talked about it."

"We've been together for almost a year now!"

"So?"

"So what?" This whole conversation was getting ridiculous. "Doesn't that mean anything?"

"That's what I'd like to know."

"Stevie" He rested his arm on the back of the couch carefully, testing if she would resent the motion. "I know things went wrong yesterday. It's just that everything- that it stirs up old things. I just have to…sort it out."

She nodded. "And while you do, maybe it's better to get some distance because I don't have a part in it."

"But you do! You're the one who's always straightforward, who tells me if I'm wrong and I need you because you…because I…" For a moment, she gazed at him expectantly. Why couldn't he say it? There seemed to be this lump in his throat, this voice inside his head which kept telling him that everything would be ruined if he did, as it always had been. What was he afraid of? He knew that he wanted to say it, needed to say it…but the words wouldn't leave his throat. The risk was too great. "…I…"

It was Stevie who broke the eye contact, visibly disappointed and angry. "I've got some drenching to do."

"No, wait." She got up quickly, grabbed her hat and left the cottage, slamming the door.

"I love you."