Chapter Six

He approached the paddock slowly and laid an arm onto the top bar. What he observed brought a smirk to his lips: Charlotte was sitting on horseback, riding Gadabout in a fast trot. The old gelding's ears kept turning in excitement and the little girl was clearly enjoying herself, too. For the first time, Alex saw a big smile on her face.

He waved over at Tess, who was standing at the centre of the paddock. "Hey!"

"Hey, Alex." She examined him with a short glance and turned back to her niece, beaming. "Good job, honey, but I think that's enough for now. Slow down to a walk."

"Already?" she asked with visible disappointment. "Can't we go on for a bit?" This was definitely Claire's daughter, Alex thought, a notion that filled his heart with joy.

Tess raised her eyebrows; a grin was tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Sure, but I'm convinced that you know how to ride now and I thought that we could start exploring Drover's later, like I promised-"

Charlotte's face lit up. "Really!"

"…unless you prefer riding in the paddock, of course."

"No, Aunty Tess, please, I wanna see everything!"

"All right. I have to get some more work done before that, though. And we need to cool Gadabout down; let him walk a few more rounds."

While Charlotte was concentrating on the horse, completely ignoring Alex's presence, Tess came over to him, climbing through the two top bars of the fence.

"I thought you and the others were busy drenching the sheep."

"The others are rounding them up right now, we'll start after that", she explained.

Alex nodded and turned back to Charlotte, who was petting the horse, cooing something. "She's a good rider", he remarked. It was true, although her footwork was far from perfect, her posture and interaction with Gadabout showed that she had a natural talent for handling horses.

"Yeah, she is." Tess smiled proudly. "Peter let her take lessons in Fisher. But she's a stubborn one, too, and she'd rather be galloping wildly across the pastures right now than walking in a paddock."

"What, stubbornness in a McLeod!" he remarked with mock surprise. "She must take after Peter's side of the family…" Tess gave him a gentle nudge for the bold comment, but remained silent otherwise. Her vigilant eyes never left her niece.

In spite of the jesting, a sharp pain cut through Alex's heart as he was watching the seven-year-old, round after round. Oh yes, it was wonderful to observe Charlotte riding a horse for the first time, a happy moment…but there was always that bit missing. That bit, which included Claire coming around the corner and waving at her little girl. But Claire would never get to see her daughter grow up. It wasn't fair. She would have been such a great mother, a loving mum who would have given her child a sense of security. Yet that would never be and this was a painful realization they had all come to terms with…more or less. But worst of all was the knowledge that Charlotte had no recollections of her mother, that she would never get to know her. It just wasn't fair.

"I wish Claire could see this" he whispered quietly.

Tess turned her head, locked eyes with Alex, and for a moment, there was a silent understanding between them that went beyond words. "I know. Me too."

There was a pause in which the two of them pursued their own thoughts. The clicking of hooves was the only audible sound. After a while, Alex remembered why he had come here initially. "Where's Nick?"

"In the city, visiting Harrison. He'll be late tonight; you can talk to him tomorrow."

"Yeah. Uh, Tess…" He cleared his throat, trying to gain time to find the right words. "…I guess he told you about…everything."

"Yes, he did", she replied coolly. He was still waiting for that long speech full of reproaches, which would have been appropriate, but to his surprise, it didn't come. Yet he wasn't certain if that was something to be thankful for, since this awkward, silent accusation caused him to feel guiltier than anything else could have. It appeared to demand a defence, a good reason for what he had done…but unfortunately, there wasn't one.

Still, he wanted to justify himself and took care to speak quietly enough so Charlotte couldn't hear them. "Listen, I know I made a big mistake back then –a huge, gigantic mistake-"

"Please, I don't want to hear that." Tess looked chagrined at his apologetic helplessness. Her forehead was full of wrinkles of sorrow, her lips pressed together tightly, and she evidently had to try hard to keep her voice down. "I don't understand how even you could do something that stupid, but that's not the point." She took a deep breath. "The point is that you should have told us years ago, but you didn't."

"I know, it just…whenever you came for a visit, you looked so happy, and I didn't want to ruin that."

"Oh, bullshit, Alex." This answer was so unlike Tess that he had to suppress a grin in spite of the serious situation. Tess merely shook her head faintly. "To tell the truth, I'm too exhausted to care right now. But you're not off the hook that easily! I want you to sort things out with Charlotte…and Peter."

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

"Explain yourself…you'll find a way."

"I somehow doubt that either of them would even talk to me."

Tess sighed. "You're making this too easy on yourself."

"No, I just don't know what to say to a seven-year-old kid who thinks I hate her", he replied bitterly.

"You're not even trying!" The response came out a bit too loud because Charlotte turned her head, looking at the two adults curiously. Tess forced a smile and lowered her voice. "But this is hardly the right time or place to talk about it."

"Right. And I should really get back to Killarney now, before Keith takes it over." He tapped his hat as a salutation and trudged away a few steps, before turning around again. "Oh, and…I said some things yesterday that I shouldn't have. I was acting like a jerk, to be exact. Did Nick…I mean-"

"You may be a jerk sometimes", Tess interrupted him, "but you're also his brother…and, unfortunately, my brother-in-law. Families tend to be forgiving. Talk to him, Alex."

Alex nodded and left, walking across the yard. Only then, it struck him that his car was still standing in front of the pub in Gungellan. He would either have to find a ride or borrow Nick's motorcycle, and neither alternative seemed appropriate right now. Who could he ask? Stevie? Hardly; he needed to talk to her, desperately, but asking her for a favour right now would give her the wrong impression. Tess? Nope. Jodi? He had no idea where she was and even if he found her, she would probably tell him to bugger off because she was busy. Meg? Probably not here and if she was, she would find out what was going on in five seconds. And the English girl? Well, she wouldn't complain or ask questions, exactly, but he felt bad using her like that. Besides, she'd probably get in trouble with Stevie, which would lead to the question why he hadn't asked her right away…women were complicated like that.

For a moment, Alex simply stood there in the yard, at a loss for the next step. These troubles were forgotten, however, when he saw Stevie coming out of the shed, carrying a few buckets. This was his chance. He needed to say it now, tell her what he felt. Life was too short for luxuries like delay, as he had come to realize. Once you had the opportunity, you needed to grab it. He still could have kicked himself for being so hesitant earlier.

Stevie only noticed him when he had started running towards her. She set down the buckets and sighed. "What?"

"I love you", he blurted out, more quickly than intended.

"I beg your pardon?" she asked with exaggerated courtesy.

"I love you, Stevie." It felt so good to have said it, so relieving…so very right. He quickly realized that it might have been a mistake, though, when he saw the dumbfounded expression on her face. She seemed to question his sanity.

"Um, just now because I look so breathtaking, or will it last till after lunch!"

Alex only perceived now that her face and clothing were smeared with dirt; even small chunks of dry earth were tangled in her hair. His enthusiastic smile fell and was replaced by a look more tender and affectionate. He drew nearer and carefully picked one of the clots out of her hair. "I'm dead serious. I love you."

Stevie's jaw dropped and a surprised "oh" escaped her lips. For the first time in a while, she was speechless.

"Oh? What do you mean?"

"Well, that caught me a bit off guard, I'd always pictured-"

"I say 'I love you' and you say 'oh'!" He felt hurt and, admittedly, somewhat insecure.

"Alex…"

"I wanted to tell you earlier, but-"

"Alex-"

"It took me way too long to realize, I know, but I've loved you for a long time and you-"

"Alex, shut up!" When he did, her baffled expression vanished and she smiled, although she seemed close to tears at the same time- and suddenly, Alex grasped that she was deeply moved. "I love you, too."

"Whoo-hoo!" They both jumped when Jodi started cheering, since they hadn't noticed her walking by with a few canisters of drenching appliance. "Finally! Took you long enough!"

Stevie rubbed her nose, slightly embarrassed, but still unable to suppress a smirk. "Yeah, well, that's no reason to interrupt your work, Jodi. We need to get started with the drenching."

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"Are there any wallabies in there, too?"

"Sometimes, but you hardly get to see them." Tess smiled at her niece's curiosity; it pleased her that the little girl showed such interest in animals and the farm in general. Ever since they had left the wildlife corridor, it was all Charlotte had been talking about.

"What about kangaroos?"

"I'm afraid there are no kangaroos around here."

"I saw some last summer, in Warwick", BOM explained cheerfully. It was amazing that this was supposed to be the same girl who had been so diffident two days ago. "But they weren't very big, and they didn't come close."

"They're shy animals" Tess explained.

As they reached the top of the hill, she stopped Oscar to be able to fully appreciate the landscape. A stunned "whoa" escaped Charlotte's lips, when she was suddenly able to look down at the homestead from a distance. Tess swallowed heavily; her niece was right- the view was overwhelming. Words were unnecessary, the picture spoke for itself; and she wondered if Charlotte, with her limited knowledge of Drover's Run, was already able to see the full beauty of it. She certainly wouldn't feel the same, fierce attachment that seemed to run through Tess's veins. The intensity of it even hurt sometimes.

They gazed down at the handsome old house, which seemed burdened by the afternoon heat, the scarce trees that grew beside it, and good old Roy dozing in the shadow. He hadn't been the leading sheepdog for a long time; these days, his frail bones didn't allow him to do much besides sleeping and barking at strangers in a half-hearted attempt to scare them off, but although he didn't "work" anymore, he seemed like a self-evident, essential part of Drover's.

Tess turned around in the saddle to memorize every detail of the environment she had missed so much. The sun painted shimmering, moving patterns on the yellow grass, which caused it to look like a cascade flowing downhill. Occasionally, a few purple flowers would peek through, although most of them had dried up with the lack of rain. The land appeared eternally wide; she was able to follow the deserted road with her eyes up to the horizon.

She glanced sideways at her niece and noticed her amazement. "Does all this belong to you, Aunt Tess?"

"Oh no, not all of it" she laughed. "See the stone wall over there? And the huge tree way there in the back? That's where Drover's Run ends. And besides…it's not all my property. Jodi and Stevie own a part of the land, too, and someday, it will be divided between you, Emily, and their children."

Charlotte's eyes widened. "You mean…a part of this will be mine?"

"Of course!" Tess had always regarded that fact as a matter of course. "It used to be divided between your mum and me, and it belonged to your grandfather before that."

"Wow." Charlotte seemed quite overwhelmed by the information.

Her aunt smiled reassuringly. "But as long as you're under eighteen, which you're going to be for a while, I'm afraid you'll have to listen to what I say around here. Can you live with that?"

The little girl nodded absent-mindedly, playing with Gadabout's mane.

"What's the matter?"

Charlotte didn't look up. "You said this belonged to mum, too. D'you think she'd want me to be…like…a farmwoman-person?"

Tess smiled sadly. "I think she'd want you to be anything that makes you happy, no matter what that is. And I think it's time to move on now, there's something I wanna show you."

She abetted Oscar with her legs and Charlotte followed her. They rode on side by side, with Tess telling her niece stories about her former farm life. She wanted her sister's daughter to know everything about their brief life together on Drover's, about the years they had spent drenching sheep, droving cattle, defending the farm against storms, droughts, or gatecrashers who were out to make some money.

Charlotte seemed to devour her stories with great interest, clinging to every detail in a way that made Tess's heart cringe. She kept asking for more, looking so happy that it was impossible for her aunt to set an end to her own tirade. Moreover, she hadn't talked about those days for a long time, as she noticed with a certain degree of shock. It had hurt too much at the beginning, and then…then what? She had simply attempted to lock the memories away and only dug them out at night, when it appeared impossible not to think about them. Yet it felt good to verbalize her recollections…and to her own surprise, it didn't hurt anymore to relive them. There was a great deal of nostalgia involved, but for the first time in years, Tess felt at ease with the past. What remained was not endless pain, guilt and despair, but happy memories.

When Tess had finished telling Charlotte all about Madonna, the cow, the little girl brought forward what she had been brooding about. "Um, Aunty Tess…you know, school doesn't start till February."

"Yeah." She had a suspicion what her niece was hinting at, but didn't want to believe it until she heard it from her lips.

"I know I'm supposed to leave tomorrow, but can't I stay for a little longer?" Charlotte looked over at her aunt with a pleading expression on her face. "Please…"

Tess was overjoyed and unable to suppress showing it. "Oh, sweetheart, I want you to know that you're always welcome to stay here for as long as you want to! But you need to ask your dad first. If he agrees, it's fine with me. Call him when we get back!"

"I will." Charlotte was getting excited and hurried Gadabout a little more. Tess didn't want to raise false hopes in her niece, but she was too happy about the request itself to hide her joy.

Finally, they arrived at the location they had been heading for. "Here we are", she proclaimed festively.

Charlotte looked around aimlessly, trying to find out what was so special about the place. "What's that?"

"This", Tess gestured at one of the old huts, "is where you were born."

Her niece frowned. "Aren't babies born in hospitals?"

"Normally, they are, but you wouldn't make it that easy on your mum. When a baby wants to come out, it just comes out."

Charlotte gaped at the cabin, then back at her aunt. "I was born in a rattly shack!"

"Yes."

"Cool!"

Tess grinned. "It wasn't as 'cool' for us, we were scared to death…wanna go inside?"

"Sure!"

They got off their horses, throwing the reins over a branch, and stepped into the hut. The interior was only dimly lit, and it smelled like shrivelled moss and mould. A few rays of sun cut through the boards, illuminating the dust in the air, which came from a few hay bales lying on the ground.

Tess pointed at a corner. "Right there, that's where Claire…where your mum was kneeling. I tried to assist as much as I could, but to be honest with you…I was so afraid to do something wrong. Ah, and that's where Alex was-"

"Alex was there at my birth?" Her smile faded when his name was being mentioned in that context.

Tess sighed. "Yes, it was a coincidence- long story. He did his best, too, but he was so nervous that he wasn't that much of a help. Still, I think Claire was glad he was there." She had spoken the last part to herself rather than to her niece.

The little girl shook her head angrily. "Nuh-uh, he didn't care anyways."

"No, Charlotte, that's not true." Tess approached her and seized her shoulders gently. She hadn't intended to defend Alex, after what he had done, but it seemed unjust that Charlotte should suppose something that was as wrong as this. "He cares about you very much, he always did. I know you don't remember, but he used to baby-sit you a lot when you were little."

"Why didn't he come back, then?"

"I…" Tess wasn't sure how to answer that question. Charlotte was too young to understand the truth, but she didn't want to lie to her, either- and there was no good lie she could think of, anyway. She hesitated for a moment, annoyed that she had to be the one to explain things to her niece, not Alex, whose fault it all was. "I'll explain that when you're older."

"So there's no reason!"

"Oh yes, there is, but it's a bit…complicated, you see."

Charlotte tramped outside, visibly disappointed. "I don't care, anyway."

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