Chapter Eleven

"Charlotte!" Jodi looked around from the top of the hill, but there was no sign of a little girl. She pointed at the next, higher ridge she was unable to overview. "Let's look back there."

"Could she really be that far?"

"…on horseback? Yes!" She was annoyed by the young farmhand's questions, annoyed by their inability to find her niece, but, most of all, annoyed by her stupidity earlier. If only she had kept her mouth shut this one time…

"What if we won't find her?"

"We are going to find her! If not, the others will have found her."

"But, I mean, just in case…do you usually call the police?"

"This sort of thing doesn't happen every day, because usually, people don't leave their horses saddled and unattended!" she snapped, unnerved.

Chloe blushed and fell silent, looking the other direction. Jodi was relieved, at first, but soon felt bad for letting her anger out on the girl. This wasn't her fault, really. It wasn't she who had caused Charlotte to run away, and she hadn't been here yet when all of the stuff with Claire and Peter had happened. She didn't even know about it and yet had the decency not to ask. But something kept Jodi from muttering a real apology nonetheless.

"I mean, little children don't just take off on horses every day" she tried to tone down her remark. "Well, there haven't really been many children around in the past few years, but I guess it's unusual. And…you're not the reason she left, after all. Oh Chloe, I often left my horse out for a little while after riding when I was younger, it's no big deal. You're not supposed to, of course, but people do it. Nothing like this has ever happened to me."

She looked over at Chloe and took a deep breath. "What I mean is…it's not your fault."

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"Bloody hell…" he muttered. There she was, sitting under a tree with her knees drawn up to her chest, her head resting on her arms. "Charlotte!"

She raised her head all of a sudden and looked over at him. He got off his horse and started running towards her. "Are you hurt!" She was obviously crying, there were tears streaming down her face.

"No…go away!" A heavy weight was lifted off of Alex's mind at her harsh response, she couldn't be injured too badly. His intention of scolding Charlotte was forgotten, he was too relieved to see that she was all right, physically speaking.

He crouched down next to her and handed her a bottle of water. "Here. Small sips, don't drink too quickly."

Charlotte had stopped crying, instead, she was eyeing him with a mixture of wonder and fury reflected in her moist eyes and hesitated, but her thirst was too strong to resist. She set the bottle to her lips and quaffed the water off without taking a single breath.

"Easy…you're gonna get sick." Alex let her proceed at first, but took the bottle from her after another moment. "You can have more later." There was an awkward pause during which they just stared at each other.

"That horse threw you off…are you sure it doesn't hurt anywhere?"

She shook her head without meeting his gaze and wiped some tears off her cheeks with the back of her hand. "I'm fine. Leave me alone."

"I'm not going anywhere, whether you like it or not." He was baffled that she even preferred staying here to being taken home by him. It angered him, too, that she played that "careless" part after what had happened. "Everyone's been looking for you, for hours! Do you have any idea how worried your aunt is? What you did was very dangerous, you could have been injured badly and help doesn't arrive quickly out here! It could've taken much longer to find you!"

He stopped yelling when he saw the girl's affected look and her red, puffy eyes. "I mean…we were worried. We need to get you back to the house."

She shook her head, the corners of her mouth were twitching now. "Charlotte…" he sighed, "whatever happened, I'm sure it doesn't matter now. Everyone will just be happy to see you."

For some reason, she started sobbing again at this remark. He was a little unsure how to react, just watching her for a moment, since he didn't really know what precisely had upset her so much. Maybe she was just confused and tired now, in shock from what had happened…at least he hoped that there wasn't more to it. It pained him to see her like that, but he was at a loss of potentially helpful words. "Do you…do you maybe wanna tell me what happened?"

She shook her head. "G- go away!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that" he said softly, before sitting down beside her. There seemed to be a lot of conflicting feelings in that child, and he realized that this wouldn't be easy.

"I hate you, I hate everyone!" Charlotte cried in between sobs, stomping her foot on the ground.

He frowned. "No, you don't. You're mad, there's a huge difference there. No matter what you say, I'm not gonna leave you."

"Then why did you! Why doesn't a- anyone ever tell the truth, why does nobody ever talk about Mum…why…why didn't Daddy want me to live with him?" She buried her face in her arms again.

Alex's body stiffened. "Who said that?"

"Aunt Jodi…" she mumbled into her clothes.

That gave him a pretty good idea of what might have happened. "I'm sure she didn't mean it that way-"

"But I heard it! She said that if Mum hadn't died, he wouldn't have 'come back'. That's what she said!"

"No, that's not true…if your aunt really thinks that, she's wrong."

"Then she's mean!"

"No, she would never want to upset you, she just…" How could he come up with a good explanation for this? "You know, sometimes people say things they don't really mean because they're angry or sad, or cos they just didn't think too much about what they said. Jodi doesn't know your father very well, and I think it made her a little sad when you went to live with him, as a baby. She'd rather have had you on Drover's."

The little girl didn't look quite convinced. "You think so?"

"Yes, I do." He hoped fiercely that she couldn't tell he was lying. Secretly, deep down inside, in spite of the reconciliation, in spite of the grass that supposedly grew over events with time, Alex still felt that Peter had gotten a great deal of chances that he hadn't quite earned. He couldn't help it, he would never be friends with that man. Too many things had happened.

And still, he didn't understand how Jodi could have said such a thing in Charlotte's presence, no matter if the child had been eavesdropping or not. It was just so insensitive, so careless. This was the kind of thing you kept to yourself. Jodi had gone too far, he would definitely have a talk with her.

Charlotte had calmed down a bit. She looked over at him, and for a moment, she seemed way too old and serious for her age. "Aunty Tess said that after Mum died, she took care of me for a while, before I went to live with Dad and Julia."

"That's right, she did. Everyone thought it was best if you just stayed where you were because enough changes were happening already."

"I don't get it. Why?"

Alex scratched the back of his head. "Listen, I'm not sure if I'm the right person to explain all that to you. I do owe you an explanation for some other things, but all I know about this is that your Dad…loves you very much." It was hard to get the words out. "He really wanted you to come live with him, although your Aunt Tess was reluctant to let you go at first. But when she saw how well you two got along, and how much your sisters liked you, she knew you'd be fine there." He was quite proud of his explanation, and when he saw the slight smile on Charlotte's lips, he knew that it had been the right choice to tell her all this.

And somewhere along the way, they had slipped into an actual conversation, an almost "normal" one. In spite of the years and the events that had separated them, it was still possible to talk. It was precisely this unquestionable fact, this process of "breaking the ice", which tempted Alex to be daring. He was sick of the lies, of the extenuations, he just wanted to leave the past behind and solve what he had been running away from. "Look, Charlotte, I promise to tell you everything you want to know…I'll explain what happened…but let's first get away from here. The sky's getting darker and darker, it looks like there's a thunderstorm coming, and we should be home before that. Besides, your aunt and uncle need to know you're all right."

She shook her head forcefully. "You're just saying that so I'll come with you, and then you won't tell me anything. Everyone says 'later, when you're older'…I wanna know now! Why did you never come back, if you and Mum- why did you never come to visit me?"

His insistent, self-assured façade fell, all at once. "If you and Mum…"- how much did she know? How was he to explain, what should he say? There was no more pretence, no way to dissociate himself from her life anymore. He did matter, and maybe that was the worst thing that could have happened to him, because now, there was no way to resign himself to the situation anymore. He had mattered, once, and although a part of it had been lost due to circumstances he couldn't have influenced, he had just given the rest away. How cowardly, he could see it now.

Charlotte faced him expectantly, still with a hint of anger, but there was more to it than that- he could see hope, too. The hope that there would be some good, enormous explanation for everything that would make things appear in a new light, that would give her a glimpse at a grown-up logic she had been unable to comprehend before. And that was precisely what he lacked. He just had human failure.

"Charlotte…" he began insecurely, gazing off into the distance as if looking for a solution among the ochre hills or the dark blue clouds. "I don't know if anyone ever mentioned something like that, but when you were younger, I spent a lot of time with you. It came naturally, because your mother and I were…very good friends, and we knew each other since our childhood. After she…passed away, your Aunt Tess took care of you –it wasn't an easy time for her then- and we tried everything so you'd still have a happy childhood. Then, you went to live with your dad, but you came back for the weekend regularly and Tess and I sometimes went to see you in Fisher. After she and your Uncle Nick went to live in Argentina, you still stayed with me sometimes and I went to visit you every once in a while, until one day, I did something really stupid…"

Alex locked eyes with her, she was still listening intently. "I was pretty unhappy at that time for quite a few reasons, and those visits always made me happy, but they lasted only for a short period of time…that doesn't justify what I did, of course. It was wrong and I've regretted it for years afterwards-"

"What's it?" she interrupted him impatiently.

This was the turning point. He knew that he needed to let her understand why he had broken his promise, that she had a right to know the truth, but there was no way he could bring her to a simple understanding of what he had done. She was too young, and not even his own brother, an adult who probably knew him better than anyone else in the world, had understood. Sometimes, he didn't even get it himself. And he didn't want to confuse Charlotte any further. But in this case, it was either the truth or nothing.

"One day, I took you out to the zoo. We had a great time, you wanted to learn all about the animals, except for the snakes cos they scared you." A faint smile crossed his lips, but it was transient. "I was supposed to drop you off at home by five o'clock. But when we had left the zoo –you had fallen asleep in the car- instead of bringing you home, I drove on and on. I guess I wanted to spend more time with you, to make it last…Anyway, your family was worried, of course, since they didn't know where you were. I only drove you home hours later, and your father was very angry, which was his right because he hadn't known where you'd been, and something might have happened to you. After that, we thought it might be better if I didn't see you for a while, and after months had passed…I don't know, I s'pose I was too ashamed to come back and I thought you had forgotten, cos you were very young then."

She shrugged. "But couldn't you just have said 'sorry' for being late? Cos then, Dad wouldn't have been mad and you could have visited again."

"Unfortunately, things aren't that simple." He paused again, looking for the right words. She was right, it could have been easier. But Peter…it had taken so much for him to even tolerate Alex now. And he couldn't blame the man, although he still was an arrogant nob in his eyes.

"But why?"

"Well…I really did need to get some stuff sorted out. I guess I was just…very sad back then, and then I did something really stupid that couldn't just be made up by a 'sorry'. And you know how when people make mistakes, they- you know what a privilege is?"

She rolled her eyes. " 'Course, Julia always says that I can only watch TV after I'm done with my homework, cos it's a privilege."

"Exactly, and if you do something bad, these privileges get taken away from you. Visiting you was a privilege."

"Why did you do something bad, then?"

"I…" He shook his head. "To be honest, I'm not even sure about that myself anymore. Maybe I'll have a better explanation for you someday. But listen, I want you to know that it had nothing to do with you that I didn't come back. I'm sorry."

She was playing with a yellow blade of grass, twisting it, all the while looking down at her fingers. "Dad said that you didn't want to come visit me."

Alex felt a sickening rage in his stomach, but forced himself to stay calm. "Maybe he thought that. I think he was worried about you and didn't want you to be sad."

"Hm." Suddenly, she faced him. "Mum and you- you were good friends? Really good friends?"

He swallowed, there was still that stab of pain every time somebody asked him that kind of question. "Yeah…yes, we were."

"And that was all?" she pressed. At this point, he was finally certain that Charlotte had overheard more than "just" the remarks about her father.

"Look, I don't know how to say this, but…no. It was more than that."

"So you guys were, like…boyfriend and girlfriend? In love?"

Her childlike bluntness made him smile for a second, in spite of the heavy weight that was attached to the question. "Yes, you could put it that way."

Her eyes widened. "So it's true! If Mum hadn't died…you and her would have gotten married." The way she said it, it sounded like an obscure thought.

"Per-"

"And then everything would have been different! You and Mum…and I…and Dad…"

He immediately reproached himself for revealing that, on top of it all. After everything that had happened today, it was only natural that she was confused and vulnerable, and he just had a way of making it worse with every word he said. He was clearly asking too much of her.

"Charlotte-"

"So that was why you came to visit me! Why didn't anyone tell me! Nobody ever said anything!"

"You were supposed to hear about it as soon as you were old enough to understand. But things were complicated enough with us as they were, and…it would have been a lot to deal with, all at once."

She didn't seem to hear him; tears had begun rolling down her cheeks once more. "When people talk about Mum, they always stop talking when they see me. And then they get this look, this look that's all sad and…I don't even remember her! Everyone does, but I don't!"

"You were too young at the time of the accident…you were only a baby, it's okay that you don't remember her."

"No, I should! She's my mum, everyone knows their mum! And now, there's all of these things, like she and you, and I didn't even know that! I don't know anything about her…it's not fair!"

His throat had gone dry, all that he could muster was a cawed "no, it's not". There seemed to be nothing else to say, no cure-all to make it better. A long time ago, he had sworn to himself to always look out for Charlotte, a promise he had broken years ago…and now, the first time she needed someone, he wasn't sure how to offer comfort. No words could improve the situation, because this was just the way things were.

"I want you to know one thing, though: Your mum loved you very, very much."

"Then why did she leave me!" she sobbed.

Alex put one arm around her, tentatively at first, half expecting her to shrug it off angrily. He was starting to get all choked up himself, trying to fight back the tears that had formed in his eyes. He had lost, grieved, rebuilt his life, loved, lost, and loved again…he was over it. And still, this little girl got to him, reminded him of the void Claire had left behind. Charlotte was only starting to mourn for her mother now, a mother she had never known. "I'm sorry, BOM…so sorry."

And then, an amazing thing happened: She didn't push him away, but actually leaned a little closer. He let her cry for a bit without his interference, regardless of how much he just wanted to make her stop.

Amazingly, the darkest of the clouds had passed without bringing a thunderstorm or even a single drop of rain. The sky looked like a grey, stringy mass, which could really precede anything from sunshine to lightning. However, the wind had revived and it seemed cooler now than before.

Alex looked back at Charlotte, whose tears were abating slowly. "Shh, it's all right…we're all here, Aunty Tess, Uncle Nick, Meg, Aunt Jodi, Stevie, me…and, most importantly, your dad and Julia. That's a whole lot of people, and we're not going anywhere."

She smiled through a veil of tears, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. "Lots of people are good, cos if something bad happens, it doesn't mean you're alone."

"Yeah."

"Alex, um, can I ask you stuff about Mum?"

"Of course you can" he answered, surprised at the question. "Why are you asking?"

"Cos I don't wanna make Aunt Tess cry again…"

"When do you think you made her cry?"

"When…when I asked her how Mum died. She told me, and later, when I went by her bedroom, she was crying. I don't want her to be sad."

"Charlotte, maybe talking about…the accident itself made her sad, but I'm sure she's got many stories to tell you about your mother, things that she would like to remember and talk about."

"Hm. But will it make you sad if I ask you?"

"No" he replied with a smile. "It won't."

"Cos, you know, I've been wondering…what was Mum like?"

"She was…" He stopped. It seemed difficult to describe Claire in a few sentences, to "summarize" her. Suddenly, he became aware that he hadn't really talked about her aside from short remarks for a long time- months, maybe even years. She had been in his thoughts, but that was it. In some way, Charlotte was right- it was a topic nobody talked about.

She looked at him expectantly, full of excitement. So he just started talking, saying whatever came to mind. "She was…independent and organized, good at leading the farm. She lived on Drover's Run all of her life and loved this piece of land- couldn't stand the city, though! She, uh, she could be pretty…stubborn and when she wanted to do something her way, she was willing to stand up for it, even if it meant putting up with the men on the farmers' council." He smirked at the memory. "She was very –what's the word?- quick-witted."

Once he had started talking, it was harder to come to an end; there were so many things to be said about Claire, too many memories for one conversation. But what astonished Alex most, was that it didn't hurt anymore. He was able to remember the good times without that inward sense of claustrophobia, without the iron fist that seemed to clutch his heart. There would always be that tinge of sadness, the awareness of the life they hadn't shared, of all that had been lost…but it wasn't unbearable anymore. Alex could smile at the old days again.

"…she didn't care too much about clothes, make-up and all that, she was more…down-to-earth, and a great rider. One of the best horse trainers I've ever met! She even managed to tame a few brumbies, and she never gave up on a horse. So, you see, although she sometimes pretended to be a tough one…she wasn't really like that."

His gaze had wondered off into the distance again, but when he looked back at Charlotte, he noticed that she had devoured every bit of information, starry-eyed. It was touching. He smiled at her.

"I like horses, too" she said, beaming all over.

"Right, you got something in common there."

For a moment, neither one of them uttered a word, until Charlotte opened her mouth again with a bit of hesitance. "You still miss her, right?"

He nodded silently. "Yeah…"

They were interrupted by the distant sound of hooves. "You hear that?" he asked. Someone from the search party had to be nearby.

And there she was, coming down the hill, speeding up to a gallop when she saw them- Stevie. Her auburn curls were flying wildly, with her hat at the nape of her neck, and she was yelling something indefinable. Alex waved, imagining how relieved she would be to see that Charlotte was all right.

She stopped almost right next to them, dismounting her horse effortlessly, and rushed to the little girl. "Is she hurt?"

"No, she's fine…right?"

Charlotte nodded timidly, watching the concerned woman, who suddenly looked taken aback, even mad. "Then what are the two of you doing, sitting under a tree like nothing happened!"

"We were just-"

"We were worried sick!" she shouted.

Charlotte blushed, muttering a quiet "I'm sorry…".

"We were just talking, Stevie, it-"

She threw him an angry glance. "Never mind that now, let's get you both home before the rain surprises us. Your aunt will be so relieved to see you." Her voice had softened, and he could clearly detect some relief and exhaustion in it now.

She helped Charlotte up. "I suppose you don't know where Mistral -the horse- went."

"No, she ran away" she mumbled full of shame.

"Don't worry, we'll find her, maybe she's already back in some paddock. You can ride on Banjo with me, he can carry the two of us. I'm not so sure about Oscar…" She eyed the old horse suspiciously and smiled at Alex, who had apparently chosen him in a hurry.

He smiled back at the woman he loved, full of amazement. And right then, under the strangest of circumstances, he knew…