Chapter Fourteen

„It'll be here around three, then? Aright, thank you. Bye." Tess hung up the phone and grabbed a pen to write down the appointment. Naturally, it didn't work and the only other writing utensil on the desk was her father's expensive fountain pen, which she knew to be empty. One more thing to be added to the shopping list: ink and cheap ballpoint pens. And she would have written it down, had there been something to write with around. This had to be the true irony of everyday life.

She got up to check on the shelf, shuffling through layers of paper –this mess definitely needed to be cleaned up- when Stevie knocked on the open door. "'Morning, Tess!" she chirped with unusual cheerfulness.

"Good morning…you're very late."

"I know, sorry."

"Well, you can't be that sorry, since you're beaming like a kid who's opening birthday presents. What happened, were you held up on Killarney?" Tess asked with a smirk, still concentrating on her search for a pen.

"Something like that." Stevie smiled wistfully and approached her, with her hands joined behind her back. "I've got some news, though."

"And what would that be?"

"Could you…stop rummaging around for a moment?"

Tess laid down the papers and turned to her friend, quite surprised. This had to be important. "I'm listening."

"I'm gonna move away from Drover's Run."

She gasped. "What?" Had she just heard that correctly? This had to be a misunderstanding. How could Stevie just stand there, with this big grin on her face, and announce something like that without a warning? She couldn't leave; this was her home, where she belonged, and she wouldn't just go without even talking to her about it before. And what about poor Alex? Unless he were leaving, too, of course, but Tess could hardly imagine that. On the other hand, Stevie wouldn't be so happy if there weren't a good reason for her departure, which meant good news. But still, she was a part-owner of Drover's Run, she and Jodi had led the farm for the past four years, and she had loved it. It made no sense. Alarming thoughts kept rushing through Tess's mind at a horrendous speed. "But why? When? How…since when…did I miss something!"

"I'm gonna move away from here…" Stevie repeated, inserting a dramatic pause, "…and move into Killarney."

This was not what she had expected. When the words had sunk in, a wide smile spread across Tess's face. "Oh Stevie, that's wonderful!"

"Alex and I are gonna live together." She was still beaming all over.

Tess hugged her. "Congratulations, I'm so happy for both of you!"

"Thanks. Yeah, weird thought…me on Killarney."

"Not at all. You and Alex living together sounds perfect to me" she replied reassuringly.

Stevie raised her shoulders, looking out the window past her friend. "I'm happy, I really am…it's just…a strange thought. This house…it's like walking in the footsteps of Harry and Sandra, ya know?"

"Yeah, you and Sandra are so alike…"

"Thanks, that makes me feel better." She leaned against the desk, shaking her head. "I mean you know I'm not a superstitious person –at all- but have you ever thought about what happened in that house? Harry and Sandra – failed, Harry's first marriage – failed, Alex and Fiona – failed, and then all that stuff about Harry not being Alex's biological father. That place has always been full of secrets and lies."

Tess smiled compassionately. "It's just a house, Stevie, nothing more. It doesn't mean anything. And if you really don't want to live there-"

"No, I do, Killarney has a nice homestead and Alex wouldn't wanna leave the farm, he loves that land. It's just…you know what Harry always used to say. About me not fitting into that world. I always thought he was an old, bitter idiot –hell, he'd turn over in his grave if he knew I was moving in there- but maybe he was right."

"And maybe he really was just a bitter old nob. Listen, Stevie, you've got nothing to worry about. Alex loves you."

Stevie nodded, a slight smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "Yeah. I guess you're-"

At that moment, Jodi entered the room with a coil of filament in her gloved hand. "The fence broke, again" she remarked gravely. "Hi, Stevie. Apparently, the wire wasn't taut enough. Now I wonder why that is." She threw a brief glance at her sister. "I'll get onto it straight away. See you later."

She turned around and left as quickly as she had come, and Tess suddenly seemed to be very concerned with the documents on the shelf. Stevie looked at her inquiringly, waiting for an explanation. When none came, she cleared her throat audibly. "Okay, are you gonna tell me what happened or should I just get my gun and join in?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, come on! She looked at you like she was gonna kill you or something."

"I sent Chloe out to fix the fence, although Jodi had offered to do it. Apparently, Chloe made a mistake; these things do happen. Jodi's angry because she'll have to re-do it. End of story."

"If you say so. It's none of my business anyway." She was reluctant to poke around any further, but didn't leave, either. Something was clearly bothering Tess, it was easy to tell from her clumsy way of handling the papers and the agitated expression on her face.

"Damn it!"

Stevie wasn't surprised at all when a whole stack of sheets dropped to the floor, but Tess's enervated reaction gave her true feelings away. "Here, I'll get that."

"Thanks."

She helped her gather the documents again, sorting them as far as possible. "You blamed her for what happened, didn't you?"

"Stevie, I thought you said-"

"Yeah, you're right, but it's not that hard to guess. You're always like that when you feel guilty."

"Now what's that supposed to mean?" Tess asked in a defensive tone. She didn't like the direction this was going.

"Nothing" Stevie sighed. "Tess, you're always telling me to talk about that sort of thing. Maybe you should just follow your own advice- whatever happened, sort things out with Jodi. And keep me out of it. What are we looking for, anyway?"

"A pen" she muttered absent-mindedly.

Stevie had a point there, but she didn't know how complicated the situation was. This wasn't just an "I'm sorry"-"it's okay", an "I'm wrong"-"you're right" thing. It wasn't even mainly about Charlotte taking off on a horse anymore. Tess wasn't even sure what the problem was herself. She had just been so angry - angry at Jodi for saying things she had forced herself not to say, for her lack of self-restraint and consideration, at herself for not talking to Charlotte about those things in advance, before such a situation could have occurred, for handing the kids off to Meg all the time, for being unable to instil some sense of stability and happiness into her family. It just never seemed to work out, not with her parents, not with Jodi, not with Charlotte, not with Claire at first (and they had lost so many years) - not even with Nick, who seemed so estranged to her at times.

At some point, she just had to wonder - was it her fault? Had she initiated that instability by going away from Drover's Run, first as a child and later again, as an adult? All threads appeared to run through Tess, it was her job to keep them together. Which was precisely what she hadn't done.

And here was Jodi - young, vivacious Jodi, who still hadn't got used to the idea of being a part of this family, but who didn't worry about the responsibilities that came with it, either. She could afford to be lively, to go to town festivals, parties and whatnot, to speak her mind and let someone else pour oil on troubled waters for her. And yet, she had grown into her role more, done paperwork, coordinated shears, even pushed a few issues through at the farmer's council, as Tess had just found out. She just hadn't become exhausted, or overly serious.

Moreover, she still didn't act like someone who was in charge. Tess didn't understand it. Not that she wanted Jodi to change, she wanted…what precisely did she want? To share more? And how much could she expect after being gone for such a long time? Sometimes, she just wished for a "normal" family, one without secrets, custody fights, extramarital children, divorces or affairs and resulting half-relatives, or cousins who had been lost and found, and lost again. Things weren't supposed to be this way, too many people had been hurt already. And she wished she could have told her father all that. If he hadn't…no, it made no sense to ponder about what-if.

"Here you go." Stevie had found a pencil on the floor, next to the waste bin, and handed it to her.

"Thanks." Tess had to think for a moment before remembering what she had needed it for initially, and wrote down the appointment into the large calendar. "You know, Jodi really was pretty insensitive."

"How could she have been sensitive to Charlotte's feelings if she didn't know that she was listening - eavesdropping, as far as I know?"

"She could have been more careful. It's about time she grows up and learns to take responsibility. And what she said-"

"What she said…" Stevie rolled her eyes. "Between you and me, Tess, wasn't that what all of us were thinking?"

"No, I neverwould have left Charlotte with Peter if I hadn't known she would have a nice, stable home there!" Tess exclaimed with sudden enragement. "I know you never agreed with it, but Charlotte loves her Dad, and her sisters – and Julia! And that shows me that it was right. It was right, I didn't let her down, I didn't just…abandon her."

Stevie was surprised at such an outbreak of emotion. "I...didn't say that." And suddenly, she began to understand. "Is that what this is all about?"

Tess didn't respond. Her throat suddenly felt so tight that she was certain a sob would escape her mouth if she opened it. She tried to straighten her posture and take a deep breath, but her quivering lips betrayed her.

Stevie came to her side and put an arm around her. She could imagine so well what her friend was going through, too well…it affected her. She couldn't help thinking about Rose and she knew that there was nothing she could do to help Tess, the feeling of guilt would never lessen. "No, Tess, you didn't let her down. She's got a great home, you don't need to worry about that. But you have to realize that by going to Argentina…well…you sacrificed a closer relationship you could have had with her. But listen, it's not too late to build that relationship. You can still be her cool Aunty Tess, and I think you are already."

Tess swallowed. "It's just that when she was out there…I was so scared, Stevie. If something had happened to her…if something ever happens to her…" She shook her head, biting her lip.

"Hey, who says that something's gonna happen to her? Not something like…that, anyway. Because obviously, she's gonna have bad experiences in life, too, and you can't protect her from everything. You just can't.."

"But I promised…" Her eyes shone with unshed tears. "I promised I would."

"And you're doing your best. It's all you can do."

For a while, they just stood there like that, with Stevie comforting her friend. When Tess finally looked at her watch, it was after half past nine. There was still so much work to be done, but first of all, as a top priority, she needed to sort something out. "I really should go talk to Jodi. I said some things I shouldn't have, and I think it really…hurt her."

Stevie smiled contentedly. "You go do that. I'll get onto the shed."

Tess walked out of the room, determined to find Jodi right away, but turned around once more, smiling. "And I really am happy for you and Alex."

"Thank you."

On the veranda, Tess ran into her husband, who was just coming back from an appointment with his cardiologist. "Hi!"

He kissed her as a greeting, and his pleased expression relieved her worries. "What did the doctor say?"

"No change, this heart works properly at the moment" he replied with one hand on his chest.

"Did you tell him about your plans for the farm?" she asked sternly.

"I did…and of course he'd rather see me not doing anything at all, but when I asked specific questions, it became clear that these things don't really have much of an influence on my condition. If something should happen, it will, no matter what I do."

As always, Tess became serious and gloomier when they were talking about the subject. Over the years, they both had more or less accepted the heart disease as a part of their life, but while Nick had slowly adopted a relaxed, sometimes even self-deprecating tone when mentioning it, Tess just couldn't. It was too dangerous, the fear of loosing him too great. "Just be careful, please. Don't overwork yourself, and try to employ others as soon as possible."

"Don't worry, Tess. I'll watch out, and the Kneales' tenancy won't be terminated before the winter, anyway, to give them some time to find another place. Alex and I agreed on that. So there's almost half a year left to prepare everything." He studied her lovely face, looking for an answer to his question. "But…if you're not comfortable with it…I could try to find a job in town instead. You see, I can't work on Killarney anymore, I just can't…but an office job would be fine, I do have some qualifications. I don't want Wilgul to stand between us-"

"Nick, it's your dream. I understand that. I want you to be happy, and I want us to be happy and have a family life. And why should it be impossible to have both? I think we can work it out."

"Are you sure?"

She smiled, laid her arms around his neck, stood up on her toes and kissed him lightly. "Yes. Go for it."

"Thank you." Nick put his arms around her back and drew her closer, kissing her again, longer than before. "You're the best wifey any man could wish for" he remarked with a chuckle.

"Hey, careful, I might change my mind." She broke away from him with a sigh. "But now I really do need to go and find Jodi."

"I'll get started on the shed."

"Oh no, you don't need to, Stevie's doing it."

"Tess, you don't need to give me a break from having a break, my leg's fine, my heart's fine…I'm fine."

"I'm not 'giving you a break', I just think you should spend some time with the kids. Emily keeps asking about you, and it's been a few days since I last gave them a riding lesson…although I'm not sure if Charlotte wants that right now, you might wanna be careful there."

"Riding lessons…sure, I haven't done that in a while, but I should manage."

Tess smiled, glad to have found a less obvious way to make him take things easy. It could be quite difficult sometimes.