Here's another one shot, loyal fans(puh-lease)! I promised you a longer story so here's a longer story. I hope it's crackistic and all that jazz. I referenced some bands last chapter
The Black Keys: an American indie rock band with bucket loads of guitar swag
Tame Impala: a super cool Australian electronic band
The Killers: one of my favourite mainstream bands. they have the catchy-ist hooks ever! I love Brandon Flower's voice
Please read, review, and shove your head in a public toilet.
Disclaimer: I own two band t shirts, and will guard them with my life
Ivan was so excited he almost hugged Gilan. Almost. Because guess what? Well whatever you just guessed was wrong, but I'll still tell you: it was the day he was going to get his Ranger issue weapons and start learning how to use them. He hoped he would still be able to use his handy dandy faucet pipe. He had named his pipe. It was magical so he called it Tim. Hello to all those Monty Python fans out there! Let's go to lunch someday together!
Obviously Gilan hadn't heard that weapons and Russia weren't a great mix. Oh well. He'll find out soon enough. In the next few paragraphs, actually.
Gilan and Ivan skipped into the forest. Why did they go to the forest? Well it's because Rangers do everything in the forest, so Ivan might as well get used to it. They came to an ancient Amfalula tree that had been planted by the silver smith's great-grand niece's brother twice removed. Gilan set down his knapsack.
"Ooh I feel like Santi Claus giving out presents to evil little kids." Gilan cackled
"No Santa job is Finland's. And you no steal." Mr. Braginski replied in broken Aruleunese. I wonder if i can take advanced Arulenese as my foreign language class. That would be so fun!
"What the hell?! Anyway here are the weapons a Ranger uses" Gilan pulled out weapons out of the knapsack. The recurve bow had been a tight fit for the smallish knapsack. Good thing John Flanagan's imagination is so magical. "This is a recurve bow. It is not like a bow tie. I wore it to dinner as a bow tie once and Jenny still won't talk to me. So just use it as a weapon, okay dude?" Gilan instructed.
"Da" replied Ivan. The bow looked kinda spindly to him but then everything seemed spindly here: the trees, the horses, the rangers, his portions at dinner, etc. Gilan reached into the knapsack again and then everything, and I mean everything, even the Romanian opera rehearsal, went horribly schnitzeling wrong.
CLIFF HANGER HANGING FROM A CLIFF! AND THAT'S WHY HE'S CALLED CLIFF HANGER!
(bonus points in Monopoly if u know what that's from)
SO HOLD YOUR BREATH BECAUSE TODAY WILL BE THE DAY THAT IVAN LOSES IT! ALL OVER AGAIN! HE FINALLY LOST HIS MIND! GILAN WON'T WANT TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY I SWEAR IT'S TRUE! HE LAUGHED SO HARD HIS MIRROR BROKE IN TWO! OH WHAT'S A RANGER TO DO?
God I love parodies..maybe I'll have a chapter chock full of them but Gilan wants me to get back to the somewhat existent plot line. Hold on bro! Can't a guy have fun? Well it depends. Let's dance joy division! And celebrate the irony! Everything I going wrong, but we're so happy!
Okay fine...back to the future
Gilan reached into his knapsack...and brought out two shiny, sharp knives.
Russia stared at the knives for a second...Belarus...knives...was Gilan in league with her?! Ivan flipped out and ran screaming like a man into the woods. Most people speak like men and scream like kids. Ivan talked like a kid and screamed like a man.
"Belarus! YA ne znayu, chto my dolzhny byli ispolʹzovatʹ nozhi! eto napominayet mne slishkom mnogo, chto sumasshedshaya suka! Kakogo cherta ona budet dumatʹ, kogda ona vidit menya s ?Chto, yesli ona dumayet, chto ya ukral yeye? Vy ne mozhete ponyatʹ, chto ona budet delatʹ so mnoy! kakogo khrena ty, ublyudok!"
Translation:
Belarus! I did not know we had to use knives! It reminds me too much of that crazy bitch! What the hell will she think when she sees me with knives?! What if she thinks I stole hers? You can not fathom what she would do to me! What the fuck you bastard!
Russia was yelling this as he ran deep into the woods. He ran as fast as Italy does when he's retreating or as fast as Will does when he hears there's a soccer game on the telly.
Gilan didn't know any Russian, and so he thought Russia had been scared of the knives themselves.
"What a wimp. I wonder who this Belarus character is. Maybe an ex girlfriend? Hmm" Gilan muttered as he skipped back to his cabin. He had a date with himself he needed to get ready for anyhow. He didn't have the time to take care of his 200 pound student.
MEANWHILE IN REDMONT FIEF
Will was dancing in front of his telly. "Come on Manchester! Kick that ball! Shoot...shoot...yes!" when there came a loud knock on the door. Unlike Gilan, Will didn't lock his front door, so it was violently shoved open. In the door frame stood a girl who would be pretty if she wasn't snarling like a pissed off loggerhead turtle.
"Are you the Ranger?" the girl screamed in Will's face.
"Yep siree! And a Manchester United fan!" Will replied and promptly stared at the telly again.
Belarus was insulted that this kid wouldn't give her the time of day.
"Didn't anyone tell you how to flirt with lovely ladies such as myself?" Belarus cooed.
"mmmhhhmmm. Gilan. He's a ladies man." Will replied, his eyes still glued the screen.
Lithuania: "He should have learned from me. I get all the ladies and the men."
Romano: The potato bastard could show that fucker how to get ladies better than you."
Lithuania: "Germany?! Are you crazy?!"
Romano: "Of course I'm crazy! I live with a brainless brother and the tomato bastard!"
The two nations were getting annoying so Belarus threw a knife at them. Noooo Romano! Ill save you man!
Belarus turned back to Will. He wasn't paying attention to her so she did the logical thing: throw a knife that caught Will's sleeve and pinned him to the far wall.
Will looked in horror at his mutilated sleeve. "that was my only Manchester United shirt! Halt!" he wailed.
"Give me back my brother or I will kill you!" the bitch shrieked
"I don't have your brother!" Will sobbed. At that moment Halt appeared in the doorway of an adjacent room.
"Can't a man even take a damn nap in his own fucking house without assholes waking him up?!" Halt thundered. Then he saw what was happening. He picked up Belarus who was twice as big as him and threw her in the moat that just happened to be right outside a window.
"What did I tell you about inviting friends over, Will?!"
"Nothing, sir"
"Oh yeah...well, try and keep the noise down, goddammit."
So what did you think? That I'm crazy? I can't help it! I swear! I am not a tomato box fairy! I am a Ranger, though. Bwhahaha. Tune in next time for Gilan's mirrorship song!