Chapter Nineteen
„Auntie Tess!"
The child's voice pulled her out of her thoughts rapidly. She turned around and set down the buckets. "Good morning! You're up early!"
"I didn't wanna miss anything. What are you doing?"
"I was just about to run some food over to the horses."
Charlotte frowned. "But don't they just eat grass?"
"I'm afraid there's not enough of it right now; the drought was pretty bad this year."
"Oh. Can I help?"
"Sure, you can come along, if you want to. But it's not particularly exciting." It made Tess smile to see the look of anticipation on her niece's face, with regards to the simplicity of her plans.
They walked over to the Ute, and Tess heaved the buckets onto the loading space. Charlotte climbed up and pushed them closer to the driver's cabin. "By the way, your dad called last night" Tess remarked casually.
"Oh, why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want to wake you up, it was pretty late. Anyway, he was very upset about it, but he won't be able to pick you up tomorrow, because he needs to go check out a horse trainer that will only be there for one day. But Uncle Nick is going to give you a lift, he's got an appointment in Fisher anyway."
"Oh, okay." Charlotte sat down in the cargo area, waiting for Tess to return with the next two buckets. Her aunt wouldn't let her carry them, anyway; she always said that they were too heavy for her – utter nonsense, in her opinion.
When Tess came back with the next load, she noticed that Charlotte was playing with a piece of loose thread that had been lying around, lost in thought. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"If you say so" Tess muttered, stowing the last bit of feed on the load floor. This should be plenty. She eyed her niece suspiciously, but decided that if Charlotte wanted to talk about it, she would come out with it eventually. "Oh bugger, I forgot my keys. Would you do me a favour, honey? Could you run inside and see if they're on the kitchen table?"
When the girl jumped off the loading space without another word and ran off to get the keys without a word of complaint, Tess knew that something had to be wrong. Either that, or she was just trying to stay on her good side so shortly before leaving.
It was a pity that she had to go so soon, really. Tess didn't even want to think about the upcoming parting, which would be incredibly hard. They had grown close over the past month, and Charlotte had begun to refresh, or, in some cases, establish relationships with the others, too. She had opened up a lot and just when things were really starting to look up, she had to leave again. It wasn't fair. Emily would be broken-hearted to see her cousin go, although Tess had explained to her a million times that it wasn't "goodbye", just "see you soon". See you soon.
Before she could think about it any further, she felt a pair of hands on her waist and jumped, whirling around at the same time. "Good grief, you really gave me a shock there!"
Nick looked back at her with that mild smile of his. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you, but I thought you'd heard me coming. I wasn't exactly tiptoeing, you know."
"Well, in that case," Tess replied with a smirk, "you must be an elf or something."
"An elf?" he grimaced. "I don't think I've ever been called that before."
"Flattering for a man, isn't it?" she chuckled.
"Oh yeah, very much so."
"Thought so."
"Hm." Nick threw a brief glance at the load in the back of the Ute. "Have you had your breakfast yet?"
"No, the horses come first. Meg is going to make a big breakfast for all of us around nine, in case there's no time for it tomorrow."
"Need a hand with this?"
"That's okay, Charlotte is coming with me."
"Oh, she's up?"
"Yep." Tess nodded in the direction of the house, which was just being exited by the child.
Nick waved at her and she grinned and hurried towards them, holding up the set of keys for Tess to see. The morning sun, which had only come up over the paddocks half an hour or so ago, was painting sparkling golden patterns on Charlotte's light brown hair. Everything seemed quiet and peaceful for the moment, but in another sixty minutes, the homestead would be filled with voices, babbling, shouting, laughing voices, and the unmistakeable sound of work being done.
And suddenly, without any obvious reason, Tess felt a pang of remorse and sadness overwhelming her, in spite of, or maybe because of, the beautiful morning. Regret for that time that had run down the river, for all the years they had lost. Regret that Claire would never get to see her daughter like this, smiling, coming out of the house on an ordinary morning. And, finally, regret for knowing that this was only temporary, that they would not have another morning like this one for a long time.
"Good morning, Charlotte!" Nick called.
" 'Morning, Uncle Nick!"
Tess forced herself to smile with that wide, artificial grin she had adopted for the first time when she had realized that her mother liked to hear "I'm fine" a lot more than "I miss Claire, I hate my school, I want to go home".
"They weren't on the kitchen table, but I found them in the dining room" the girl explained.
"The dining room? Who'd put them there?"
Charlotte shrugged.
"Thanks, BOM…I mean, Charlotte."
"That's okay." She smiled bashfully. "You, uh, you can call me BOM, if you want to. I don't mind."
Tess smiled, genuinely this time, while attempting not to embarrass her niece by being too moved about it. It wasn't a big deal, after all. "All right then, BOM, let's get started on the work."
"I'm off to saw a few boards for the new shelter" Nick informed her before placing a hurried, soft kiss on her lips. "I'll see you two later."
"See ya!"
"Bye!"
Tess walked around to the right side of the Ute and sat down in the driver's seat, when she noticed that her niece was still standing outside, staring ahead blankly. She stuck her head out the open window. "Do you want to feed the horses, or not? Hop in, cowgirl!"
Charlotte did as told, while Tess turned the ignition key. For a while, both sat in silence, enjoying the ride in spite of the bumpy path. BOM stuck her head out the window and closed her eyes as the wind blew through her hair. Tess let her eyes wander around the gorgeous landscape, as much as this was possible while driving.
"Can we go for a ride this afternoon?" Charlotte asked.
"I thought you didn't want to ride" Tess replied, surprised at the question.
"I was riding on Killarney yesterday, all day long…well, almost."
Tess raised her eyebrows. Alex had told her about it, but she hadn't expected that much of a change in her niece. "Yes, but riding out in the open is different."
"But I even rode with my eyes closed! Okay, not on my own, but I was riding on my own later. And Alex said I did well."
"But that was only one afternoon. I'm sorry, but I don't think it's a good idea yet. We can go for a walk instead, just you and me."
"Pleeease, Auntie Tess! It's my last day, and I'm not scared anymore. Please!" she pleaded, looking at her aunt with a deliberate puppy face.
Tess was battling with herself. She knew it wasn't reasonable, but she couldn't deny her niece this last wish. "All right," she sighed, "but we'll go slowly. No cantering!"
Charlotte grimaced, but her joy was still obvious. "Okay."
They fell silent again, each one of them lost in their thoughts, until Tess decided that this quietness was unnatural for a last day together. "Your dad's really looking forward to seeing you. And you must have missed everyone while you were here."
The girl nodded, a smile flashing briefly across her features, but her sombre expression returned quickly.
"But we'll miss you, of course. Everyone will" she remarked warmly. "You can come back anytime you like, though. Weekends, holidays, whenever you want to. It won't be long, and before you know it, you'll be back here." She looked over at BOM, who was still staring ahead. Bewildered by her silence, she kept talking. "You're always welcome, I want you to know that."
"Really?"
"Of course!"
Her niece's face lit up, it seemed as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, but she wasn't quite willing to believe the peace yet.
Tess was confused, what had Charlotte expected? Didn't she know that this was her home, too, that she was almost like a second daughter to her? Had the time apart built up a barrier that couldn't be overcome, was it her fault, would it ever be what it was again? What could she possibly do to make up for it?
The car shook a little as she drove over a bump. "Oops, sorry." She should have paid more attention to the soil. The land was so well known to her that it was easy to fall into a clumsy routine.
"Auntie Tess" Charlotte asked all of a sudden, "you're not gonna leave again, right?"
Tess looked over at her, stunned at such a question. "No, of course not…oh BOM, of course not, we're staying." It took her a moment to grasp the extent of what had been asked, but then, things began to fall into place rapidly, like a riddle that made sense all of a sudden. "We're not going to leave again."
"And you're not just saying that?"
"No, I'm not. I couldn't leave, not again. I'm afraid you'll have to put up with me."
Charlotte leaned back contentedly, a smile of relief on her lips. "Good."
------------------------------------------------------
"Good, I'm glad the kid's not afraid anymore" Stevie stated, satisfied with Alex' account of the afternoon. "What about Emily?"
"What about her? She's adorable, but…don't get me wrong, but she can be pretty trying."
"You can say that again" she reiterated, thinking back to her strenuous babysitting experiences. The little girl was cute, but often, Auntie Stevie had been all too glad when Auntie Jodes had been ready to take over. "She's Tess and Nick's only child, they do spoil her a little."
Alex smiled mildly. "Yeah, she's quite the little princess…but she's a good kid. Reminds me of Jodi, in a way."
"Ha, I would've liked to see that. Or maybe I wouldn't. Jodi as a child…almost scary. She would have driven me insane."
"She was one attention-loving girl!"
"Hm, I wonder why that sounds familiar…"
Alex stopped his horse, shielding his eyes against the sun to look ahead.
"What?"
"Here we are" he declared festively.
"I don't see anything." Stevie looked around in confusion. As far as she knew, this was one of Killarney's endless pastures. Pretty, but still a pasture, covered in yellow, sun-bleached grass with hardly any other vegetation around. Why on earth would he make them ride all this way for another piece of grass land?
"Just look at it." He nodded at the old plant in front of them.
She gazed up at the branches, holding on to her hat and shrugged. "It's a tree. Alex, I've been to Killarney once or twice. I know what your trees look like" she stated, unable to suppress a grin.
"Not just any tree. This is where Harry decided to buy Killarney."
"Ah." Stevie was tempted to remark that she had never really thought of Harry Ryan as a tree-hugger, but that would have been too inconsiderate. Besides, Alex seemed to be in an unusually soft mood. She didn't quite know what to make of it. "Well, it's a very nice…tree."
"Oh yeah, those leaves - and that bark! Mmh…"
Or maybe not quite as soft… "You can be such a-"
"A what?"
She shook her head, smirking at his expression.
"A dream bloke?" he chuckled. "Why, thank you, but I already knew that, sweetheart."
"You call me that one more time…" she threatened, looking in her saddlebags for something to throw at him – a wire cutter seemed a bit too drastic.
"Okay, swee-"
"Race you up that hill and back here – go!" Before he could utter another word, she had already taken off, urging Banjo forward.
The horse gathered speed quickly, leaving a baffled Alex behind. She could hear some faint yells about cheating, and the hooves of another horse only seconds later, shortly behind her. The thought of Alex' bewildered expression was priceless; she wished she could have seen it. Her hat had been blown off her head, and as she leaned forward, she could feel her hair flying freely behind her. She loved the feeling of the fresh breeze on her face, the natural smell of grass, leather and horses that filled her nostrils, the wind that lashed through her curls, the steady movement beneath her. It was like a perfect, rhythmic unity of rider and horse.
They turned at the very top of the hill in as sharp a curve as Banjo could manage and raced back town, passing Alex within a second. He wasn't far behind them and had kept up pretty well for his disadvantage, she had to admit that. Downhill, she kept her attention on the soil, there was always the danger of that one fatal hole or bump, no matter how often you had done it before. She was back at the tree in an instant and let Banjo slow down, turning him around to face the loser of the contest.
Alex smirked, trying hard to look angry. "That was so not fair! Lucky you, you had a head start, or I could have beaten you any time!"
"Sure you could have" she confirmed in a deliberately unconvinced voice, as if she were talking to a young child.
"Tsk, cheater!" He shook his head.
Stevie laughed and got off her horse to look for her hat. Alex dismounted Captain as well and picked it up for her, but not without scooping up a bit of dirt before, which passed unnoticed. "You do realize that I'll get back at you for that."
"Does it look like I care? Thanks." She took her hat from him and put it back on her head without looking, which caused the dust to trickle through her hair quickly, getting caught up in her curls, gushing underneath her collar and into her clothes, sticking to her sweaty body. She closed her eyes for a moment in disgust. "Not funny."
Alex laughed, which earned him a light punch in the arm. "You're such a child."
"We're even now. Come on," he took her hat, shook it to remove the last bits of earth, and put it back on her head, "let's go home."
Home. This was home. His home, her home, their home? Killarney, to her. Killarney, "the land where no love can grow", although that statement remained to be proved. Their home – what a thought to get used to! She still felt like a guest in that house, that big, fancy house, built of foreign freestone, Liz Ryan's dream home. The land, on the other hand – the land was something she could get used to, something she knew.
They mounted their horses again, and headed back. Stevie threw one last glance at the old gum tree. "I forgot to ask, why did we go here?"
Alex shrugged. "Just thought you might wanna know a bit more about this place, since you'll be here for a while…"
"A while?"
"Okay, a long while" he corrected himself, smiling in a way that got through to some part of her that she hadn't even known existed.
It made her feel uncomfortable, being touched in that way, but also good –a very confusing feeling indeed- so she tried to shrug off the awkwardness by a casual smile. "Sounds good to me."
--------------------------------------------------
"Here we are" Tess sighed, stopping Oscar, who still needed to be moved every once in a while.
She got off her horse and looked up at Charlotte, who hesitated for a moment. Tess smiled at her and took her hand, once she had dismounted Gadabout. They slowly walked over to the small yard in silence. She had been quite surprised at first when her niece had asked to come here – on the other hand, it seemed understandable.
Tess nodded briefly on passing Jack's grave. "Dad."
"You talk to him?" Charlotte asked curiously, observing the plain stone that marked the burial place of "The Big Fella".
"Sometimes."
"But he's dead."
"Well, who are we to say he can't still hear us? Just because we don't see something doesn't mean it's not there."
The girl looked puzzled at this bit of philosophical musing. Tess hoped she hadn't freaked her out. It was consoling to her, to imagine that, on some level, they were still there. That her family existed, that nothing was lost forever. She wanted to believe in it, and she was convinced that, on some level, she was right – although Claire probably would have laughed at her.
"You sometimes talk to my mum, too?"
"Occasionally. Yes."
A glimmer of hope flickered up in Charlotte's eyes. "You think…she's still there? Like, that she knows what's going on?"
"On some level. And I think she definitely knows." Tess smiled, swallowing down the lump in her throat, and squeezed her niece's hand. "Come on."
She moved on a few steps to the next stone. "Prudence Claire McLeod. She was your grandmother."
"My mum's mum, right? Not…yours."
"Yes." It had been quite complicated to explain all of the family relations to her niece.
"How come your mum's not here?"
"We didn't live here. After my mum and me moved to the city, we never came back."
Charlotte frowned. "Oh. But….if my grandma isn't your mum…doesn't that mean…"
"What?"
"I mean…does that mean I'm only, like, your half-niece?"
"Nonsense, BOM. There's nothing half about you" Tess quoted her sister with a smirk. She put an arm around Charlotte's shoulders. "It doesn't matter."
"Okay" the girl smiled broadly. "Who's Adam, though?"
"He was your mum's brother. He died as a baby, along with your grandma."
"Oh. That's sad."
"Yes, it is."
They stopped in front of the grave they had come for. "Uh, hi, Mum" Charlotte muttered timidly.
Tess let go of her niece and kneeled down in front of the headstone, removing the withered wild flowers as well as well as the crumpled rose, and put down a few yellow tulips Meg had managed to grow in her very own vegetable patch in spite of the climate. She took three of them out of the small bunch, and put one in front of each of the other stones.
Charlotte followed her example, laying down a few purple flowers she had picked herself at her mother's grave. It had been hard to find any at all. She looked over at her aunt expectantly.
Tess smiled, and decided to give her a few moments in private. "I'll just be…over there, if you need me, all right?" She wasn't exactly sure what for, but somehow, she couldn't shake off the feeling that this situation was intimidating for her niece, that she felt something was expected of her. Charlotte had never known her mother, never grieved, but been aware of her absence. Truth be told, Tess wasn't quite sure what to tell her. It was hard to find the right words.
She shuffled over to another tree a few feet away, and leaned against the stem. The bark felt dry and warm against her back, and Tess could feel the sunrays on her face. The air was standing with the afternoon heat, not a breeze to relieve it; no sound cut through it. This was her land, the land where her family lay. All silent. She could hear Charlotte talking quietly, but didn't understand what was being said. The heat felt good, in a way, numbing her mind. Thoughts drifted by on the surface, coming and going. All still.
After a while, she turned around and slowly approached her niece, who was still standing in front of Claire's headstone. "You okay?"
Charlotte shrugged helplessly. "I didn't know her, Auntie Tess. It's weird, I'm not- I didn't know her."
Tess put an arm around her shoulders again. "It's okay. I know what you mean. She's still a part of you, though. You're her daughter, and there's a lot of her inside you."
"You think?" she smiled.
"Definitely. You ready to go?"
Charlotte nodded. "I'll see you soon, Mum."
They headed back to their horses, but the girl turned around once more to look back. "You think she'd mind?"
"Mind what?"
"Well, sometimes…I call Julia 'Mum', you know" she admitted quickly, chewing her lower lip.
Tess bit her tongue on accident. She could feel her heart pounding fiercely in her chest, as if it were about to burst, and tried to steady her breath, about to utter the biggest lie she had ever told about Claire. "No, she- I think she'd just want you to be happy."
Charlotte smiled. And that was all that mattered.